[Faith_Machine]

Re: Come to Jesus Moment

Hi Peter, you seem like a fine young man! I'm a little concerned about that church you attend, though. With a name like Flaming Heart, are you sure they're not Catholic?

I'd love to discuss this with you further. Say, do you ever do any Skyping?

[Straight 4 His Love]

Re: Come to Jesus Moment

Hi Peter, you seem like a fine young man! I'm a little concerned about that church you attend, though. With a name like Flaming Heart, are you sure they're not Catholic?

I'd love to discuss this with you further. Say, do you ever do any Skyping?

You know, there's a story behind that...

Long before I arrived in Charleston, our humble little Church was apparently called "Cove Baptist Church." Now, as I heard it, they got into a bit of a competition with some Johnny-come-lately church down the road. These guys figured they'd sashay in and one up us by sticking "Holy" in front of our LONG established name! Well, our our church fathers weren't gonna just take that lying down! No sir. And thus began a long battle for brand recognition in the eyes of our community–and GOD!

Many months later, we'd gotten to "The Church of His Death and Resurrection, Salvation Seeking, Trembling Before His Sacred Wrath, Flaming in Passion, In the Heart of The Father," and... well, I can't quite remember the rest. Anyway, the Postal Office was getting kind of cross with both of us by that point, so the Mayor arranged a meeting of the principals of both churches on neutral ground at the best local Waffle House where they hashed out abbreviated names for each church.

And that's how we ended up as the Baptist Church of the Sacred Flaming Heart.

As for Skype, sadly sir, not any LONGER. I find myself getting pestered by too many contract requests from unrepentant sodomites from my bad old days in "the community." You'd think by now people would've gotten the clue, but I guess the prospect of seducing a young man EARNESTLY seeking salvation is just too kinky for these queers to pass up. So now I pretty much just stick to the medium of text for my online correspondence. After all, I suppose if it's good enough for the word of GOD, it's good enough for ME!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Come to Jesus Moment

Oh, I do so love a good church name that properly expresses the burning passion and unstoppable wrath of the Lord! When I first came here, I was attending the Pillar of Fire Lutheran Church. I loved that name, "Pillar of Fire," but the good people here clued me in to the fact that Lutheranism is just Catholicism without the Pope.

[ExGay Alex]

Re: Come to Jesus Moment

With a name like "flaming," it is no wonder that the spirit of gaysexualism permeates the place.

I confess that I, too, used to be a gaysexual, but then I just stopped when I realized how sinful it was and that if I wanted to go to Heaven, I needed to toe the line.

[Straight 4 His Love]

Re: Come to Jesus Moment

With a name like "flaming," it is no wonder that the spirit of gaysexualism permeates the place.

I confess that I, too, used to be a gaysexual, but then I just stopped when I realized how sinful it was and that if I wanted to go to Heaven, I needed to toe the line.

Now Brother, I WILL admit that those of an uncharitable bent could scrounge up a few *nominal* coincidences linking our good Church and the homer “community,” such as the clearly INNOCENT presence of “Flaming” in our Church’s name, the depiction of a righteous, fiery rainbow in a mural on one of our Church’s walls, the unfortunate name of the outdoor supply company next door, “Rough Trade,” or the tragic name of our youth outreach coordinator–Mr. Twink. And I WILL admit that, on occasion, these have led unrepentant queers to assume that our church would offer hospitality to their perverse lifestyles.

Now that I think of it, being located just off Pride Street probably doesn’t help either…

BUT! I can assure you that our Pastor, Jebediah Joseph “Thunder” Johnson, does not use a limp wrist in applying the loving lash of the Lord’s Word to his congregation!

In fact, that reminds me of a story on point.

A few months back, a couple of unapologetic homers came skipping arm-in-arm into our Church, apparently misled by coincidences such as those noted into thinking that they could find a “tolerant” spiritual home for their flagrant homosexuality. Well, they quickly discovered how SORELY wrong they were–and were soon set on the RIGHT path of the Lord by Pastor Johnson and his very flock!

Once our Pastor determined their intentions, he grabbed his instructional leather whip, and set to lashing the homers, fully intent on driving them from the premises. Already misled about the nature of our Church, however, the queers evidently misconstrued our Pastor’s righteous fury as some sort of erotic bondage play. So there they were, right in the very HOUSE OF THE LORD beneath his Contempt Personified, bumping, grinding and making all sorts of obscene gestures and noises as our Pastor worked himself up into a lather castigating them with his whip. Everyone was, to say the least, pretty bemused. But the congregation soon displayed the irrepressible community spirit for which we are famous, and, undeterred, set upon the homers with the spare leather whips kept in the Youth Center annex.

After a few minutes, the queers realized something was terribly amiss, and proceeded to beat feet for the door. But our loving Pastor, perceiving that the TRUE GLORIOUS TERROR of the Lord had finally worked its way through the sin-leathered skulls of these unrepentant homers, realized that this was a rare opportunity to reach them with the Word of God!

So, rather than to let them flee back in the open arms of Satan, he had the faithful bar the doors and bind the homers. For the next six hours, he and several of his pastors-in-training took turns delivering the most fiery sermon I’ve seen in my life but inches from the queers’ faces as their sinful souls withered beneath a hot lamp and the rest community sang the praises of Jesus!

Finally, both of the homers entered a terrible spastic fit, as I can only assume the very HAND OF THE LORD had taken hold of them! Sure enough, they began to scream that they’d do anything for release and begged forgiveness for a litany of sins! Glory! Pastor Johnson-and GOD-had finally gotten through to them!

Those two “flamers?” Well sir, they NEVER fail to be in our very Church each and every Sunday now! And they’re not holding hands, either, no sir–they won’t even use the same door to enter the building!

Some “Doctors” would call it Stockholm Syndrome. I call it the irresistible grace of the Lord God in action!

And THAT is The Baptist Church of the Sacred Flaming Heart.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Come to Jesus Moment

Now Brother, I WILL admit that those of an uncharitable bent could scrounge up a few *nominal* coincidences linking our good Church and the homer “community,” such as the clearly INNOCENT presence of “Flaming” in our Church’s name, the depiction of a righteous, fiery rainbow in a mural on one of our Church’s walls, the unfortunate name of the outdoor supply company next door, “Rough Trade,” or the tragic name of our youth outreach coordinator–Mr. Twink. And I WILL admit that, on occasion, these have led unrepentant queers to assume that our church would offer hospitality to their perverse lifestyles.

Now that I think of it, being located just off Pride Street probably doesn’t help either…

BUT! I can assure you that our Pastor, Jebediah Joseph “Thunder” Johnson, does not use a limp wrist in applying the loving lash of the Lord’s Word to his congregation!

In fact, that reminds me of a story on point.

A few months back, a couple of unapologetic homers came skipping arm-in-arm into our Church, apparently misled by coincidences such as those noted into thinking that they could find a “tolerant” spiritual home for their flagrant homosexuality. Well, they quickly discovered how SORELY wrong they were–and were soon set on the RIGHT path of the Lord by Pastor Johnson and his very flock!

Once our Pastor determined their intentions, he grabbed his instructional leather whip, and set to lashing the homers, fully intent on driving them from the premises. Already misled about the nature of our Church, however, the queers evidently misconstrued our Pastor’s righteous fury as some sort of erotic bondage play. So there they were, right in the very HOUSE OF THE LORD beneath his Contempt Personified, bumping, grinding and making all sorts of obscene gestures and noises as our Pastor worked himself up into a lather castigating them with his whip. Everyone was, to say the least, pretty bemused. But the congregation soon displayed the irrepressible community spirit for which we are famous, and, undeterred, set upon the homers with the spare leather whips kept in the Youth Center annex.

After a few minutes, the queers realized something was terribly amiss, and proceeded to beat feet for the door. But our loving Pastor, perceiving that the TRUE GLORIOUS TERROR of the Lord had finally worked its way through the sin-leathered skulls of these unrepentant homers, realized that this was a rare opportunity to reach them with the Word of God!

So, rather than to let them flee back in the open arms of Satan, he had the faithful bar the doors and bind the homers. For the next six hours, he and several of his pastors-in-training took turns delivering the most fiery sermon I’ve seen in my life but inches from the queers’ faces as their sinful souls withered beneath a hot lamp and the rest community sang the praises of Jesus!

Finally, both of the homers entered a terrible spastic fit, as I can only assume the very HAND OF THE LORD had taken hold of them! Sure enough, they began to scream that they’d do anything for release and begged forgiveness for a litany of sins! Glory! Pastor Johnson-and GOD-had finally gotten through to them!

Those two “flamers?” Well sir, they NEVER fail to be in our very Church each and every Sunday now! And they’re not holding hands, either, no sir–they won’t even use the same door to enter the building!

Some “Doctors” would call it Stockholm Syndrome. I call it the irresistible grace of the Lord God in action!

And THAT is The Baptist Church of the Sacred Flaming Heart.

I am so glad to hear that you have such a wonderful pastor! May I suggest asking them to reconsider the name again?

[Straight 4 His Love]

Re: Come to Jesus Moment

Well, I guess I could eventually try.

I'd probably get the whip out of it, though.

At the very least, it's going to require a VERY expensive trip to the best Waffle House in town. Our Pastor has got one mighty appetite for a man of his age, and I'd have to butter the him up quite a bit to even have a shot at a fair hearing without being just lashed right then and there in the middle of the place.

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Come to Jesus Moment

Well, I guess I could eventually try.

I'd probably get the whip out of it, though.

At the very least, it's going to require a VERY expensive trip to the best Waffle House in town. Our Pastor has got one mighty appetite for a man of his age, and I'd have to butter the him up quite a bit to even have a shot at a fair hearing without being just lashed right then and there in the middle of the place.

Ow! I did not mean to be critical, or potentially put you in harm's way. However, if you showed him that it will help further the Lord's Will, by strengthening the power of those that are straight, it will add to your credence. Just a suggestion, sir.