Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Free Holiday Leftover Meal For Homeless Who Sign Contract and Confess Christ

Outreach Ministry

Freehold, Iowa - Pastor Deacon Fred announced earlier this week that Landover Baptist will be providing free Thanksgiving leftover meals for the homeless population in downtown Freehold, Iowa. "They will have to confess Christ at the door, and sign an agreement where our church will get 25% off of all future money they get from panhandling," said church treasurer, Gil Anderson. "We all know that these lazy irresponsible people won't learn a thing if they get a free handout. The agreement they sign will teach them a valuable lesson about life and maybe make them think twice about becoming a lay-about in God's favorite town, Freehold, Iowa!"
Church members are asked to donate leftovers from their Thanksgiving meals to assist in the homeless dinner which will take place one week after Thanksgiving. "Someone will be by your houses with a bucket," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We want to make this as easy as possible for everyone, so you just have to dump whatever slop you have left over into the bucket and we'll pitch it into some trash cans and let them cook it up down at the junkyard."
Homeless people who qualify for the free leftover meal will also be asked to sit through a small church service where they will sing hymns and smile through several photo sessions with wealthy church members and local Republican politicians. They will also be required to listen to Pastor Deacon Fred's 2-hour Thanksgiving sermon. There will be an additional altar call after the service for those who wish to rededicate their lives to Christ again after making a profession of faith two-hours earlier.

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AND PRINT FULL 2-PAGE AGREEMENT

Disclaimer: So-called, "Christian" homeless people are not welcome to the free meal since we all know that there is no such thing as a Christian homeless person (at least not in Freehold, Iowa). The "Christian" homeless person will be offered a chance to deny Christ and then reconfess Him, then rededicate under Pastoral supervision. Deacons will be on hand to take the person through a brief series of salvation questions and if they answer each one correctly, a Pastor will make a determination of sincerity and decide whether or not the person gets a free meal.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Helping injuns! (Hey, there are still a few left!)

THANKSGIVING: A Wonderful Day to Tell Injuns About Jesus!
No group of people in the United States is more qualified to comment on the savage nature of American Injuns than the members of the Landover Baptist Church. Having arrived in the country that God ordained for us in the year 1612, many members of our congregation can trace their bloodline directly back to every surviving passenger aboard the Santa, Pinta, and Maria. Landover Baptist Church historians are more knowledgeable than any secular so-called "scholar" when it comes to relating the truth about the evil savages who butchered and slaughtered most of our godly Pilgrim ancestors after they arrived on Plymouth Rock.
Most of Landover's church records dating back to the early 1600's are too gruesome to share with the general public. Church historian, Pastor Al E Pistle, is reserved to spending countless days sifting tirelessly through boxes of shrunken heads, tomahawks, and tiny little baby Injun bones in the storage basement of the Landover Baptist American Christian History Museum. He finds old newspapers and family letters that recount the terrible atrocities suffered upon the early members of our congregation by the red-skinned race. "What becomes perfectly clear," says Pastor Al, "is that the secular media's idea of a Thanksgiving, with Injuns and Pilgrims sitting around a table smiling, is just a made up lie by politically correct liberals." Pastor Pistle relates that the actual "Thanksgiving" was more like a quick prayer to Jesus for a painless death by a few Pilgrims before their heads were hacked off by savages and boiled in a pot for cannibal stew. "Our records indicate that the savagery didn't quell until Pastor Deacon Fred's great-great-great-great-great-great Pilgrim grandfather showed the Injuns that there were other things to eat besides human flesh, like corn.
In these modern times, Americans are left to celebrate a cheap mockery of the true Thanksgiving. Landover Pastor, Deacon Fred, is quick to remind his parishioners how important it is to keep Injuns sedated and caged up on reservations. "Today's Injun makes his home not in a tee-pee, but a trailer!" says Pastor. "He drinks booze, lives off our tax money, and dreams of owning a casino. And although it might sound controversial, I believe it's best just to keep it that way. Because we all know what happens when you take the bone out of a dog's mouth! They start to growl, and cause trouble," he said. "The only way to get them flesh eaters to turn their lives around for good is to give them a taste of the crisp, salty, Sunday morning fresh body of Christ! But, speaking from personal experience, it's so dangerous sharing Jesus with a devil loving Injun, I believe it is better left to the experts. There are only a few circumstances that I can think of where it would be advisable for a True Christian® layperson who is not a trained Injun missionary to attempt at sharing Jesus with such a depraved race." Pastor Deacon Fred went on to relate what he called, "Three Witnessing Tips for Lay People Who Manage to Get Close Enough to an Injun Without Being Vomited On." He asked that we place those tips online for the edification and education of our internet readers.
Witness by Example
Jesus taught us to live by example, and it works. When folks see something you've got, that they haven't, they want to know how to get it. The best method for hands off witnessing is to show people that your life is better than theirs. When Injuns see that they are not invited to attend our Thanksgiving festivities, and they see all of the wonderful cars, expensive clothes, extravagant dining, and the splendid edifice of Landover Baptist Church, towering in the background, you can rest assured that the only reason they are protesting is because they are jealous! Jealous of the Lord Jesus shining through our lives as a testimony to the great rewards that await the righteous! We've had a number of testimonies from Landover Baptist Prison guards who have led many a jailed Injun to Christ in the midnight hour for a cold piece of bread and a glass of water.
Target the Children
Persuading little Injun children to accept Jesus is an easy chore, if you can get separate them from their parents long enough to sit through this year's Thanksgiving play. I guarantee that after seeing this production, the little cannibals will either run away from home, or be so terrified of their red-skinned relatives, they'll beg on their hands and knees to be admitted to the Landover Baptist Orphanage for the Unsaved. This year, our Junior High School youth group is going to depict the Freehold Iowa Injun scalping massacre and cannibal dinner using actual human body parts donated from the Landover Morgue. Don't let your Christian children miss this wonderful play, and bring along an Injun child, even if you have to pick one out of a shopping cart at your local Wal-Mart!
Use the Booze
A drunk Injun is a common enough thing, but did you know that while an Injun is intoxicated it might well be the safest time to approach one? An Injun is happiest and most content while they are in a drunken stupor. They are approachable, and yes, even friendly! Why not take this time to share the good news of Jesus Christ? You'd be a fool not to take advantage of the situation! And if you don't, when Jesus rolls back the film of your life on Judgment Day, you can bet that He'll be asking you, "What about this time here, when you had an opportunity to tell this poor drunk savage about Me?" Don't pass on an opportunity like that if it comes your way, or Jesus might very well pass you up when He starts picking people He wants to live with Him in Heaven.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Satan's role in Thanksgiving.

Satan Serves Up a Little Chicken for Thanksgiving
Action Alert
It isn't that surprising when the Prince of Darkness sends his demons skittering into the minds of the homosexuals at Walt Disney Studios with a new idea. But it is downright rude and tasteless when those ideas are pushed on innocent American children during the holiday season! It pains us to tell you that while True Christian™ families are sitting down over a turkey dinner this Thanksgiving, a bird of a different kind is out to undermine the values of this Christian nation.
Who knew that the Devil was hiding behind the innocent smile of a little boy who tricked one of our deacons into joining him in the back of a cold dark movie theater to view the film, Chicken Little. It was only a few minutes into the movie when our deacon realized that his little companion was more interested in viewing the Satanic filth on the big screen than he was in hearing soft whispers of Christian love and scripture. "I dragged him kicking and screaming out into alley behind the theater even before the last of the opening credits could fade back into Hell!" our deacon told police and later the boy's unsaved parents.
When police found our deacon ministering to his little companion, in the alley-way behind a trash dumpster he made it quite clear to the officers that he feared for the boy's Salvation. "This young rascal was crying even before the movie even started," he explained. "He was sobbing like a little Nancy Boy while we were standing in line to buy tickets because the colored children were laughing at the giant Bible I was carrying!"
One of the police officers, Mr. Dashling, was a member of the Landover Baptist church and as such, he let our deacon go with a warning. "It's probably what I get after being foolish enough to get caught within a stone's throw of a public theater," our deacon told Pastor Deacon Fred. "I won't let it happen again, but I'm going to get to the bottom of this Chicken Little nonsense. Do you know that I saw a poster outside the theater advertising the film and it looked like there was a stalk of corn protruding from an animated hiney on it?"
The following day, after spending several hours on the internet investigating Chicken Little, our deacon reported his findings to the Board of Deacons. "The main character of the film is a talking chicken that symbolizes just about every appealing aspect there is about homosexuality," he reported. "I believe this is an obvious attempt to pervert the minds of our children. I'm sure that lesbian bull dykes all over America are licking their pale lips and stomping their combat boots in joy because this hell bound chicken is running around wearing glasses and sporting a Mohawk hairdo! I also found out that there is a young coy voiced sodomite named Zach Braff (who starred in such films as "Getting to Know You" and "My Summer As a Girl") doing the voice overs for this slop! This sort of gay boy is so eager to get to Hell that even Rosa Parks would gladly give up her front seat on the express bus to the Lake of Fire just to accommodate him. There is even a Jewish lawyer in this movie! Thankfully Satan doesn't care much for the Jews either, so his homosexual cartoonists at Walt Disney Studios drew him as a hog wearing a cheap suit that any True Christian™ wouldn't be caught dead in. I tell you, if you see a photo of that Jewish pig in his suit, you'd rather take your chances with God's anger by wearing a turtleneck to Church!"
When Pastor Deacon Fred was made aware of the demonic nature of the movie, Chicken Little, he made a formal announcement to the Landover Baptist congregation the following Sunday. "November is the time of year for celebrations and Thanksgiving to God for the defeat of thousands of savage Injun terrorists who were living in our country without the Lord's permission! The holiday season is not a time when we should let down our guard and allow Satan to invade our movie theaters with kiddy films that glorify the homosexual lifestyle. I advise people all over America to join in Landover Baptist's boycott of Walt Disney Studios. Please dig deep into your pockets when the offering plates come around and help us take another step forward in ending Satan's animated jihad against the naturally heterosexual minds of Saved Christian Youth™."

[Talitha]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

It gladdens my heart to see such Charitable Christian™ virtues we have here at Landover.

Praise the Lord© and Praise our good Pastor for bringing this advice to the attention of The Unsaved.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

I've got ten little spoiled brat heathens outside in the snow, on their knees praying all day for what the are Thankful for. And they'd better have a long list by dinner or no MRE's tonight!

[Talitha]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

I've got ten little spoiled brat heathens outside in the snow, on their knees praying all day for what the are Thankful for. And they'd better have a long list by dinner or no MRE's tonight!

Look on the bright side Brother Mayfield. Should they die from cold or starvation It's really easy to make nice Snow features from them. A bit of Coal, a few Carrotts in the right place and there you have it!
Why, you would even have a suitable place to park your Bicycle.

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

I'm a professinal. If they start shivering too bad, I make them run in place until they warm up.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

If they can't afford a house, they must have offended the Lord Jesus in some way... We must do everything in our power to act as shepherds for the Lord, if it means bribing (banging on the feed bucket), beating with the shepherd's crook or merely slaughtering on our whim. Personally I don't have the mercy of others here, and prefer to just outright purge such God-hating filth from the earth, but others here are much more hopeful, believing that they can reconcile these sinners with the Lord.

[SUV]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

Forgive me (He already has) if I commit the Sin of Pride here:



(Pastor Al, what was it we decided to call this stuff? Also, there haven't been any lawsuits thus far, have there?)

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

That''s called green eggs and ham.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

That''s called green eggs and ham.

Blechh. And you call my cooking bad. Compared to that.....what looks to be alien effluent, I cook a five-star meal.

If you're thinking about bribing the homeless to join your brainwashed cult, you'll need better bait. Maybe a nice roast rat or two would be a step up!

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

Blechh. And you call my cooking bad. Compared to that.....what looks to be alien effluent, I cook a five-star meal.

If you're thinking about bribing the homeless to join your brainwashed cult, you'll need better bait. Maybe a nice roast rat or two would be a step up!

I hardly think we're about to start taking advice from a woman whose idea of fine cuisine consists of microwaved babies.

[tommy]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

What a wonderful carefulness.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

Blechh. And you call my cooking bad. Compared to that.....what looks to be alien effluent, I cook a five-star meal.

If you're thinking about bribing the homeless to join your brainwashed cult, you'll need better bait. Maybe a nice roast rat or two would be a step up!

It's easy to criticize, but WE fed hundreds of poor homeless people and you did nothing for them at all, so who is the better person? I are. I mean WE are.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Landover helps the homeless on Thanksgiving!

Bah. The reason you haven't heard any complaints from those homeless people is because they probably expired shortly after eating it.