ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

[Elmer G. White]

It's only a few days to Jesus' Birthday. Once more we are certain that our Savior Himself is going to visit this Discussion Board and, in an act of Benevolence, answer the most burning questions that We True Christians™ have for Him!

Matthew 7:8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

If I may, I shall begin with a couple of questions to our Lord:

1. Dear Jesus. I refer to one of Thy most unpleasant moments on the cross:

Luke 23:40-43
But the other answering rebuked him, saying, Dost not thou fear God, seeing thou art in the same condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man hath done nothing amiss. And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom. And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise.




Art Thou still intimate friends with this Malefactor whom thou receivedst in Heaven? Dost Thou still hang out with him? Do you two still stroll together on the Heavenly Meadows or has Eternal Life driven you apart?

2. It is well-known that Madonna is the pop star who is one of Thy principal enemies. Dost Thou loathe her mostly based on her inferior skills or because her name reminds Thee of repulsive Papists?



Thank Thee Jesus, please come quickly (Revelation 22:23)!


Thine in Thee,

Elmer

[James Hutchins]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

Happy Birthday Jesus, it is me, James though you already know that.

I was always curious, was it better when you conceived yourself immaculately in the womb of the virgin whore Mary or was your birth in the manger more pleasant? I guess it is sort of a coming or going question, like going to visit cousins, is the trip going there better or is it better to return home.
If allowed, I have a second question. Since you can move mountains with a blink of an eye, why didn't you just miraculously make your name appear on the reservations sheet at the Inn?
Certainly not questioning you but I was just interested in you.
Please do not smote me.

[BrotherLarry]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

Hosanna in the Highest, Lord Jesus,

Happy Birthday, my Beautiful Savior! I am sure You have the best tree in creation. How big is it? I cannot imagine you having a small one, Lord. In fact, when I think about how big Yours is, I get so excited I could just come all the way to Heaven in one leap. I know, it's silly to get all excited about that, but I do.

I hope I have pleased You this year, Lord, and although I still haven't been permitted to move to Freehold, I keep hoping that one day it will happen. I love You, Jesus and I cannot wait to feel Your manly bosom as You hold me tight for all eternity. I hope You have a silent night and that Your wassail is the best ever.

In You,
BrotherLarry

[Alan Swallows Waiting for Email Confirmation]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

Well, this is very exciting! A royal visit to these forums! I do hope He comes!

I suppose if I could ask Jesus one question it would be: Why isn't there more suffering in the world?

You told us most people would never find the right path (Matthew 7:13-14) - although I probably don't need to remind You, I'm sure Your memory is as sharp today as it was 2,000 years ago. Most people will never love You. So why, Lord? Why?

Psalm 94:3 Lord, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked triumph?

[Jesus]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

It's only a few days to Jesus' Birthday. Once more we are certain that our Savior Himself is going to visit this Discussion Board and, in an act of Benevolence, answer the most burning questions that We True Christians™ have for Him!

Matthew 7:8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

If I may, I shall begin with a couple of questions to our Lord:

1. Dear Jesus. I refer to one of Thy most unpleasant moments on the cross:

Luke 23:40-43
But the other answering rebuked him, saying, Dost not thou fear God, seeing thou art in the same condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man hath done nothing amiss. And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom. And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise.




Art Thou still intimate friends with this Malefactor whom thou receivedst in Heaven? Dost Thou still hang out with him? Do you two still stroll together on the Heavenly Meadows or has Eternal Life driven you apart?

2. It is well-known that Madonna is the pop star who is one of Thy principal enemies. Dost Thou loathe her mostly based on her inferior skills or because her name reminds Thee of repulsive Papists?



Thank Thee Jesus, please come quickly (Revelation 22:23)!


Thine in Thee,

Elmer

To answer your first question: Yes, Herbert and I still hang together. The guy is a riot up here. It turns out that he knew more about My Holy Teachings® than My useless, bungling Disciples did. He impressed Me while we were nailed up on the cross together, and it was even more impressive that he could think and communicate while he was in such mind-bending pain. I didn't feel a thing up there (because I'm God), but Herbert and Steve sure did. They were puking all over themselves, and their wounds were full of pus and maggots pretty quickly.

In answer to your second question: That whore who calls herself Madonna has a special place reserved for her in hell, unless she starts begging Me for forgiveness now.

Did you know that she used to have her limo driver take her up and down Avenue D in lower Manhattan cruising for wetbacks to fornicate with? Almost every night she was down there committing sodomy and race mixing with zit-faced teenaged Puerto Rican boys by the dozen. The degeneracy that I had to watch was truly revolting.

Of course, I'm ready to forgive her if she asks Me properly.

Happy Birthday Jesus, it is me, James though you already know that.

I was always curious, was it better when you conceived yourself immaculately in the womb of the virgin whore Mary or was your birth in the manger more pleasant? I guess it is sort of a coming or going question, like going to visit cousins, is the trip going there better or is it better to return home.
If allowed, I have a second question. Since you can move mountains with a blink of an eye, why didn't you just miraculously make your name appear on the reservations sheet at the Inn?
Certainly not questioning you but I was just interested in you.
Please do not smote me.

James, thank you for your questions. I get asked that kind of thing all the time.

In truth, the whole birth thing was pretty disgusting. Virgin or not, you don't want to have Supreme Consciousness while you're in a birth canal. Trust Me.

And the whole manger thing? That was My dad's idea. I'm able to remove any pain or discomfort for Myself (because I'm God), so it didn't really bother Me. I'll tell you what was disgusting though...While My mom was giving birth to me, there was a couple of Sumerians over in the stall next to us who were fornicating with horses and donkeys. They were going at it hot and heavy, right in front of Me, My mom, and My entourage. Pretty gross way to be introduced into the world of men, right?

Hosanna in the Highest, Lord Jesus,

Happy Birthday, my Beautiful Savior! I am sure You have the best tree in creation. How big is it? I cannot imagine you having a small one, Lord. In fact, when I think about how big Yours is, I get so excited I could just come all the way to Heaven in one leap. I know, it's silly to get all excited about that, but I do.

I hope I have pleased You this year, Lord, and although I still haven't been permitted to move to Freehold, I keep hoping that one day it will happen. I love You, Jesus and I cannot wait to feel Your manly bosom as You hold me tight for all eternity. I hope You have a silent night and that Your wassail is the best ever.

In You,
BrotherLarry

My tree? You mean My tallywhacker?

Everybody wants to know that. I don't usually discuss my physical body with humans, but let Me just say this: It's as big as it needs to be. Way bigger than yours. Few on earth can state truthfully that they match My size and girth. I know of a certain True Christian™ Pastor who can.

Well, this is very exciting! A royal visit to these forums! I do hope He comes!

I suppose if I could ask Jesus one question it would be: Why isn't there more suffering in the world?

You told us most people would never find the right path (Matthew 7:13-14) - although I probably don't need to remind You, I'm sure Your memory is as sharp today as it was 2,000 years ago. Most people will never love You. So why, Lord? Why?

Psalm 94:3 Lord, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked triumph?

Excellent question. Truth is, there is WAY more suffering in the world than you know about. What you hear on FOX News, believe you Me. I'm all-knowing and all-seeing. I see every bit of suffering that takes place all over this world, 24/7. Everything from a mosquito bite to major surgery without anesthesia, from muslim beheadings to papist priests anally raping tender young boys for hours on end on altars all over the world. The suffering that goes on these days is exquisite compared to back when I first appeared. I can drive people nuts just by disrupting their computer games.



Is that all the questions you folks had this year? I'm a bit disappointed I must say.

[Elmer G. White]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

Thank Thee Jesus for Thy educated answers. I am also deeply distressed that the sinners who usually swarm this Godly Discussion Forum dismiss the chance to communicate directly with Thee.

I think they're afraid to admit that Thou art real and ready to smite them.

Philippians 2:10
That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth;


Thine in Thee,

Elmer

[James Hutchins]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

.....
James, thank you for your questions. I get asked that kind of thing all the time.

In truth, the whole birth thing was pretty disgusting. Virgin or not, you don't want to have Supreme Consciousness while you're in a birth canal. Trust Me.

And the whole manger thing? That was My dad's idea. I'm able to remove any pain or discomfort for Myself (because I'm God), so it didn't really bother Me. I'll tell you what was disgusting though...While My mom was giving birth to me, there was a couple of Sumerians over in the stall next to us who were fornicating with horses and donkeys. They were going at it hot and heavy, right in front of Me, My mom, and My entourage. Pretty gross way to be introduced into the world of men, right? ....

Is that all the questions you folks had this year? I'm a bit disappointed I must say.

Thank you very much for taking the time from your busy scheduling and answering me. I have seen my wife, Mrs. Hutchins in an uncovered state (as I am sure you have) and it is not a pretty sight. A cooter looks a lot like an over cooked messican roast beef left out in the sun all day. Smells like it too. My deepest apologies for stirring up those images.

On the bright side, I have no doubt you managed to kill a bunch of sinners on your birthday, many I bet never saw it coming. What a hoot and a half!

Sorry for the stupid questions but we are just humans and not in your league (though I bet Ron Regan is great to chat with).

[BrotherLarry]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

Oh LORD JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH!!!!!!

I was asking about Your Christmas Tree, Beautiful Handsome Savior! I would never wonder about Your...um...Your...well, I would never wonder about THAT, My Precious Rose of Sharon.

I ask Your forgiveness for implying that, if I did. You are all perfect and wondrous and great. I am but a meek maggot in the grand scheme of things.

I love thee, LORD. I would love to touch the hem of Your Garment.

COME, LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry

[Michael Hezekiah Esq]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

OK, I got a question for you, although I doubt you have the balls to answer it.
Why didn't you take the help my people offered you back then? We told you to hush, lay low, let things pass over (no pun intended) and you could have continued being a great orator and teacher, But nooooo, you had to go and get this G_d complex.
So, Mr. Christ, when the REAL meshiach arrives and your lie is revealed, who you gonna call? You likely won't be able to count on us this time.
I suppose the statute of limitations has passed on the assault and battery you endured. Too bad - I could have got you a pretty penny.


Happy Hanukkah, Jesus.

[handmaiden]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

Happy Hanukkah, Jesus.

edly Yours,
Handmaiden

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

OK, I got a question for you, although I doubt you have the balls to answer it.
Why didn't you take the help my people offered you back then? We told you to hush, lay low, let things pass over (no pun intended) and you could have continued being a great orator and teacher, But nooooo, you had to go and get this G_d complex.
So, Mr. Christ, when the REAL meshiach arrives and your lie is revealed, who you gonna call? You likely won't be able to count on us this time.
I suppose the statute of limitations has passed on the assault and battery you endured. Too bad - I could have got you a pretty penny.


Happy Hanukkah, Jesus.

Look Hezekiah, it's hard to get through to you. You guys were looking for a new "King" (meshiach), but by that time the Romans had certainly surpassed you what with all the roads, aqueducts, public health, baths, and all that. Let's face it - you were never going to get there with all the corruption that had arisen - the Rabbis had conspired with all the family cronyisms, the Mohels, the money changers in the Temples (that Jesus had to chase out).

Look at it this way - Jesus was the Donald Trump of his day, coming to drain the swamp. I think God was getting a little tired of the excesses of the joo kings, like Solomon with his 300 concubines - sounds a little familiar, sort of like the Clintons.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: ASK JESUS! POSE YOUR AD 2015 QUESTIONS HERE!

Why didn't you take the help my people offered you back then? We told you to hush, lay low, let things pass over (no pun intended)

Jesus has no time, neither does He have the inclination, to answer the impertinent questions of a leering Jew, but I have a rebuke I'd like to lay on you, Jew. Being quiet, laying low and hiding from trouble are not the work of an upright Christian and certainly not the work of the Son of God. The work of Christ is to get out among God's people and bring the news of salvation, not to hide like some sissy.


Do not try to understand Jesus through the outlook of a cowardly, sneaking Jew. You people had your chance, sent by God Himself, and you blew it. Now, you are forced to wander the world with no home, prey to scoundrels and scoundrels yourselves. This is God's punishment on the Jews, for once you were His chosen people, but you forsook Him. Now, you must pay the price, as your forbearers have had to pay these last two thousand odd years and that price is revilement on Earth followed by an eternity in Hell.