Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho ho! Aren't I nice! My very well-earned 11-month vacation is OVER and I'm ready to GET IT ON! Keep 'em Christmas Lists a-comin as they say in the old South.

As always, I'll deliver based on your naughty vs. nice balance. Usually, for you naughty 'uns, I'd deliver coal but considering the energy crisis in Europe, all the coal is reserved for y'all Tiny Tims over there. For the naughty ones I'll just have to improvise. For instance, I'm gonna give Vlad the Putin a 30% discount gift card for a very thorough prostate exam. Very_thorough. Brenda Koczszinsky née Hernández in Tonaph, Nevada has been naughty (stealing nail polish) and she'll have a VIP pass for next year's local convention of environmentalist Democrat Ladies. That'll teach her.

A not-so-gently reminder: I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended.

Ho ho ho! Just ask and let all your dreams come TRUE! Merry Christmas, everyone from you all-time favorite supernatural being. Me. Santa Claus!

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

You know, there is something I've been wanting. A chalice, or grail, of solid gold melted down from the teeth torn out of the mouths of Holocaust victims. I think it would be a great conversation piece and really cool. How about it?

[handmaiden]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

Santa, you know--some of those caveats that you threw in there sound like the restrictions on wish-granting that the Genie mentions in the movie, Aladdin. Just sayin'. . .

[Santa Claus]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

You know, there is something I've been wanting. A chalice, or grail, of solid gold melted down from the teeth torn out of the mouths of Holocaust victims. I think it would be a great conversation piece and really cool. How about it?

Dennis darling! Ho ho ho to you too!
Based on your request, I'll deliver you not one but TWO nice gifts. You're gonna LOVE them. Obviously, there are some things that no entity, natural or supernatural, can do, not a Jesus a god or even the most powerful of all sentient beings, me! And that is how to trace the transfer of Nazi Dental Gold from the Reich into a Swiss bank accunt and then back again transmogrified into the most powerful weapon the world has ever known, the Swiss Franc. However, does a Gold Atom know its provenance? Actually, it does, and similar to all gold atoms, its provenance is in the collision of neutron stars and that's all we need to know, at least if the Swiss alternative is correct. However, it is also possible that the dental gold went back into the Rhine from whence the dwarf Alberich stole it. In that case, modern technology will help you recover it (just start at the site of Brünnhilde's funeral pyre and dive in a widening spiral thenceforth). AND here my extra jolly gift will help you! Scuba gear that is just perfect for riparian submergence.



And, as promised. I have TWO nice thingies to deliver to YOU! The other one is a chalice carved from anthracite COAL that with the energy crisis I mentioned, has become much more valuable than rhinegold.



Just keep 'em prizes of your hourly motel rooms affordable and more NICE things will be filling your nylon stockings this Christmas. Ho!

[Santa Claus]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

Santa, you know--some of those caveats that you threw in there sound like the restrictions on wish-granting that the Genie mentions in the movie, Aladdin. Just sayin'. . .

Lassie... Handy baby... You need to stop rubbin' that magic "lamp" of yours and go into plastics. The Genie is a lower-level supernatural being, somewhere along the evolutionary line from the demented incontinent elf through the everyday Jesus to Voldemort, but our elven scientists have still not been able to determine the exact point that the genies represent on that continuum. The genies can only grant you three wishes (even if your first one is to get three new wishes) but my powers are limitless. The thingy is that while we can make an imitation of Love, it necessitates the modification of millions of neuronal connections and synapses and in many cases, lobotomizing the object of the unrequited love so that the person becomes something else.

What you need is not the later lukewarm flicks of the franchise but the real stuff, that is, classic Donald Duck and the robotic helper that can give you much more sincere love than the whole seraphim population of the Northern Hemisphere (the number of which is actually=0). Ho ho ho ho ho.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

I have been trying to grow some miniature fruit trees and flowering shrubs but at different times of year there are insects. I'd been spraying them at various stages (according to the instructions) but the sprayers always break. Weeds are also a problem, one patch in particular, which need a more permanent solution. Either a(n automated if heavy) commercial strength sprayer or a flamethrower would be very useful.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended.

Aw, I was going to ask for a romantic partner and a year's supply of love potion, plus some eels. I guess I'll take a plastic toy.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

...I do not deliver world peace ...

Yeah, that's asking a bit much. So, how about just a 50' radius of peace around me? Think you could swing that?

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

Aw, I was going to ask for a romantic partner and a year's supply of love potion, plus some eels. I guess I'll take a plastic toy.

Take it back Dr. Toole, it's a trick! Santa's next post will be informing you that a dildo is forthcoming, and I know you'd be absolutely horrified and appalled by that. A great big black dildo crammed into your chimney. There's no way you, of all people, would enjoy that!

[Santa Claus]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

I have been trying to grow some miniature fruit trees and flowering shrubs but at different times of year there are insects. I'd been spraying them at various stages (according to the instructions) but the sprayers always break. Weeds are also a problem, one patch in particular, which need a more permanent solution. Either a(n automated if heavy) commercial strength sprayer or a flamethrower would be very useful.

Mitza, Hoe to yo too! You may be surprised that despite my keeping residence in the Polar regions, I am well aware of the problems with pests and bugs, as I usually spend 11 months of the year in my Pacific Paradise. Based on my personal observations and my own anecdotal evidence and testimony - the best kind of prof for your lot - I can assure you that pesticides won't work. The insects will only become resistant, grow to be 9 feet tall etc. etc.
Instead, I'll deliver an insect hotel to you. I have seen them in many gardens and they seem to repel insects like nothing else. Never ever have I seen any bugs move into one and they soon learn to keep their distance.



Of course, the complimentary cheap brandy will accompany this gift wrapped in unremarkable brown paper, as always.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

Aw, I was going to ask for a romantic partner and a year's supply of love potion, plus some eels. I guess I'll take a plastic toy.

Tony!!! Of course! Finally,someone appreciates the glorious substance of genuine plastic. Here's a toy in triplicate. You and your little friends can have hours of fun playing with this action figurine!

[Santa Claus]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

Yeah, that's asking a bit much. So, how about just a 50' radius of peace around me? Think you could swing that?

Didy my pumpkin! Always so nice and only fleetingly naughty. OF COURSE I can deliver. You'll receive my collection of pea and bean soups and I can guarantee that you personal space will be respected by everyone until next gift delivery season!



Of course, you'll also need to do laundry more frequently.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

Take it back Dr. Toole, it's a trick! Santa's next post will be informing you that a dildo is forthcoming, and I know you'd be absolutely horrified and appalled by that. A great big black dildo crammed into your chimney. There's no way you, of all people, would enjoy that!

Denny-boy! I KNOW that you are envious of Tony's magnificent collection of you-know-whats. I PROMISE you'll get your own this Christmas but you must start small.
This one is probably suitable for you. A nice house to renovate in Dildo, Canada and it DOES have a chimney so I can visit you anytime.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

brandy

Thank you – I was trying to decide what to soak my pudding in this year: Rum? Port? Brandy? and the winner is brandy!

PS The insect hotel looks lovely.

[Santa Claus]

Re: Santa's Gift Registry 2022. I SHALL DELIVER!!

Thank you – I was trying to decide what to soak my pudding in this year: Rum? Port? Brandy? and the winner is brandy!

PS The insect hotel looks lovely.

Mitzy gal, baby, the billabong I want to dive in! You know, I was never ever susceptible to ingratiation. That said, I Do get the message and you'll get the delivery. Five bottles it is then, two up from last year's package. I expect them to last until twelfth Night, though.



Please keep your stockings away from flammables. Ho.