Make the Yuletide Gay with Santa! The Bestestest Gifts of 2025!

[Santa Claus]

Ho ho ho! Once again, my 11-month vacation (Milan, Singapore, Addis Abeba, Tristan da Cunha, Birmingham, Montevideo, Oslo, etc. etc., great time!) is over. AND. 'Tis time, 'tis time! Let's all be merry and gay in anticipation of Christmas day! These are dismal times, dictators are taking over, people are discarding plastics on tropical beaches instead of making them into genuine replicas for consumerism, and my North Pole abode is really suffering from the climate change with many caverns nearing collapse. The more reason to celebrate the bestestest supernatural being of all times, ME!

As always, I deliver based on your naughty vs. nice balance. Usually, for you naughty 'uns, I'd deliver coal or tar, sometimes in a metaphorical sense, as always. For instance, Donnie the Trump is going to have a surprise this year, but more about that later.

A not-so-gently reminder: I do NOT deliver people (romantic partners, slaves or other employees), I do not deliver world peace but nor does Jesus or Donald the Tramp, as we can deduce based on this year's debacles. And the previous and the one before that etc. etc. etc. ... Nor do I deliver abstractions, such as falling in love or revivals or love potions, unless approved by FDA or your local equivalent. I do not deliver hovercrafts with eels, they are too messy and Rudolph might slip. Plastic toys are a sure hit and highly recommended.

Another reminder. Yes! There IS evidence. Of ME! Billions of people have seen me and - more importantly - have seen me deliver! When did JHC last deliver the mountain he promised to move? I'm only asking, as I've been everywhere and haven't really seen a mountain move, have you?!

This year, the gifts are going to me even more personal than ever. I'll be delivering to each according to their ability, to each according to their needs. Me elfs've been busy observing you. As a token of my undying love you'll also receive nice virtual postcards from yours truly based on my adventures over the centuries. So ask and you shall receive. Jesus did. This is a memento of his formative years more than two millennia ago. AND. I. AM. STILL. GOING. STRONG! Ho ho ho.

[handmaiden]

Santa, your job is going to be taken over by the evils of AI. . . Mainly because it is more evil and unreal than you.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Hi Santa--I'm glad you will be providing a sleigh-load of gifts for us in Freehold as you always do. I see the elves in your PR department made up a nice picture to send out with your disclaimer letter. There are parts of it I like but maybe you could pass along a suggestion to your people. I like the crosses with whomever wearing Santa hats. It sends the message that the crucifixion was not all doom and gloom like the Catholics portray it. In telling the story we need to remind people Jesus was up and about in three days.

My suggestion is about the model they put up for the woman. I assume she is your trophy wife, has a halo, etc. I'm confident your actual wife is a blond and it would be better to make this model a blond also. Just a suggestion.

Oh, one other thing. Those Muslim-like men lined up posing as fans of yours, I'd like to see some wearing MAGA hats. A few should be bill-in-the-back.

[Romeo Rovagnati]

Dear St. Nick,

I dont want a lot of presents, i just want more people to discover the Christian truth. Oh, and also i need some help in finding the Disney's W.I:T.C.H. comics in order to prevent little girls to be lured to the Wiccan cult.



Thanks and keep up the good work. And if you see the Befana, say hi to her from me.

[Santa Claus]

Santa, your job is going to be taken over by the evils of AI. . . Mainly because it is more evil and unreal than you.

Ho, ho, ho. It's Handy-Lass! I appreciate your concern but, at the same time, wish you continued with your education, as an ai is not at all unreal, it's just the common name for the pale-throated sloth - and I don't mid at all if they contribute to this very rewarding but quite demanding Christmas mess. Aren't they cute?



But no, you won't be getting a pet ai. They do not thrive in captivity unlike most Jesus followers. Perhaps a Handy product for cleansing your prejudices would do!



Here'a a nice picture for your mantlepiece. It depicts me about 150 years ago in NY city, one of the few remaining places where people cherish freedom and goodwill. No coal for 'em this christmas!

[Santa Claus]

Hi Santa--I'm glad you will be providing a sleigh-load of gifts for us in Freehold as you always do. I see the elves in your PR department made up a nice picture to send out with your disclaimer letter. There are parts of it I like but maybe you could pass along a suggestion to your people. I like the crosses with whomever wearing Santa hats. It sends the message that the crucifixion was not all doom and gloom like the Catholics portray it. In telling the story we need to remind people Jesus was up and about in three days.

My suggestion is about the model they put up for the woman. I assume she is your trophy wife, has a halo, etc. I'm confident your actual wife is a blond and it would be better to make this model a blond also. Just a suggestion.

Oh, one other thing. Those Muslim-like men lined up posing as fans of yours, I'd like to see some wearing MAGA hats. A few should be bill-in-the-back.

Joe You're a young man and full of ideas. You should learn to listen to your elders, that is, me, for instance. Christmas is not about advice, its about merriment and gaiety and giving gifts without any ulterior motives. And here's one for you! The Leslie Nielsen DVD collection! Now you can have something useful, fun and gay to do over Christmas.



And look at this! A nice painting just for you! A nice postcard of Christmases past, the simple, happy time, when people were joyful and gay and satisfied with the company of their loved ones, just as I enjoy the company of Rudolf after all these years!

[Santa Claus]

Dear St. Nick,

I dont want a lot of presents, i just want more people to discover the Christian truth. Oh, and also i need some help in finding the Disney's W.I:T.C.H. comics in order to prevent little girls to be lured to the Wiccan cult.



Thanks and keep up the good work. And if you see the Befana, say hi to her from me.

Romeo! At least you still have the innocent mind of a child at least based on the Elf Report telling me how you like to entertain 10-11-yo boys in your chambers and play with them. 'Tis time you grew up, however. No more comics. This is a more suitable gift for you!


And to remind you of the REAL supernatural. Here's a picture from the Vatican library, the hiddenmost archives. A painting by one of the Jesuits (17th century) admitting what the Holy Seed is still too shy to admit.... Ho ho ho!