[Jessi Lynn]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

What is the single greatest threat to American schools? Lack of funding? Ineffectual curricula? Violence? No, no, and no. The answer is candy hearts.



With messages like "You're sweet" and "Be mine" scrawled on their chalky surfaces, candy hearts can incite premarital yearning glances and even hand-holding. The racier messages like "Cutie pie" and "Hug me" can lead to Caligula-type orgies involving enormous bowls of fruit, mandals, laurel wreaths, ostentatious wine goblets, and slave boys.

Now, I will say that these candy hearts get children reading. Given that this generation makes Corky look like Doogie Howser, I guess that counts for something.



(A quick aside--I was not fond of the 90s trend of TV characters having "cute" and "unique" names like Corky, Doogie, Blossom, and Urkel. Guess what? Just because your name is Doogie doesn't make you special. You're just like all of the other kids who graduated Princeton at the age of 10 and finished medical school by 14.)

There is only one way to combat this menace. We need to cancel out the lust and depravity of candy heart messages with Godly words and phrases. Send your child to school equipped with Hatchet Hearts©. Hatchet Hearts© are delightful, heart-shaped candies inscribed with inspirational words and important Bible chapter and verse numbers.




I've even designed some especially for teachers.


Order your Hatchet Hearts© today so that they arrive by the 14th! Order forms can be found in the church office. You'll be doing something good for your child's school and helping to pay the deductible on the prostate surgery I'm having done in March.

Brother Hatchet, you truly are a brilliant man!

[SUV]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

Now what is this on our Godly board? A "Recovering bastard" - ? Come here looking for a Milk Bone, maybe, and ate up all these craftily Created hearts instead

[Jet O'Niell]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

Brother Hatchet, what a fine idea you have. I detest the ones I already see going around campus. I wish I was here and saw this sooner, then I would've ordered a few boxes. Alas, I cannot, for I just finished purchasing the school materials I need for my new semester, and my first few days have been treacherous, which is why I haven't been on here for awhile.
Back on subject; good idea and hope you can sell plenty and your prostate surgery will be a success.

[Cursed]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

Now what is this on our Godly board? A "Recovering bastard" - ? Come here looking for a Milk Bone, maybe, and ate up all these craftily Created hearts instead

I am sorry, Princess SUV; anyone who observes me for even a short while quickly understands the wisdom in God's curse against bastards (Deuteronomy 23:1-2).

Although I have not yet passed the BABS Program due to my dull wits and surly disposition, I will endeavor to persevere until I graduate!

I hope and pray to one day be worthy of mowing your lawn, or any other such menial duties you would grant to your humble servant.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

Brother Hatchet, are you bringing boxes of your VD hearts to Church this year?

I have some new ones I've ordered. I hope they get here by tomorrow so I can throw them at all the sinners in the Mall in Leviticus Landing on Tuesday.

I could use a few volunteers from the Congregation who have a good arm.

Lve,

Sister Thumper

[VictoryOS]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

I could use a few volunteers from the Congregation who have a good arm.

Sister, my arm isn't the same after over-extending it last Halloween throwing those rocks. My nephew left his slingshot here last summer though, so I could use that. Could I be of any use to you?

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

I'm going down to the local grade school to hand out candy hearts Monday. Anyone want to volunteer to go with me?

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

Sister, my arm isn't the same after over-extending it last Halloween throwing those rocks. My nephew left his slingshot here last summer though, so I could use that. Could I be of any use to you?

I hope your arm is better this years dear Sister. I cannot WAIT to go throw my Hatchet Hearts at vile sinners!

[paulwilde1961]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

@Old Man Hatchet Your hearts are great! Your own heart must be the kindest that Jesus ever made!

Jesus has blessed me and therefore my sperm. `i must share his love with you. PM me your number, we must marry and have many children.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

Jesus has blessed me and therefore my sperm. `i must share his love with you. PM me your number, we must marry and have many children.

Something (True Christian™ Discernment) tells me that Jesus already has a future wife set aside for you: a 350 pound sweat-hog with child bearing hips and festering bed sores. Gird your loins, boy!

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Hatchet Hearts

Sir Old Man Hatchet, If you would please tell your wife to mail me some, I'll be happy to buy some for you. My husband wants me to pass them out to the pre-schoolers I teach.