[Larry Lee]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

A woman's ovaries and uterus aren't her only only reason for existence.

Of course not. There's also pie baking and caring for men -- activities that every woman cherishes.

[Tchoupitoulas]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

I am sorry that you passed your use by date before the good Lord gave you a bed pal.

I've enjoyed being able to live my life the way I want, without the stress and pressure of raising children.
And now I don't have to worry about the possibility of getting pregnant. No more having to deal with condoms and spermicides.

I wouldn't call menopause "past my use-by date." A woman's ovaries and uterus aren't her only only reason for existence.

[Sister Charli]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

There will be no procreating in my bed. I was already menopausal when my husband and I met, and he has never wanted kids anyway.

Or ticky pie toe lass.

I fear that I too will reach menopause before God sends me a lover husband.

Not many years of child bearing left in me. But I have not given up.

I am sorry that you passed your use by date before the good Lord gave you a bed pal.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

So fo us, sex is about expressing our love for each other by giving mutual pleasure.

[Tchoupitoulas]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Man, oh, man! Did you just arrive from another planet?! Scratch that-- God created life here, etc.

Very little of the sex mentioned in the Bible was between "loving couples". Lust appears from time to time-- and God PUNISHES it!

Marriage is about securing bloodlines and property rights-- OT--and glorifing the Lord -- NT.

Admittedlty, the Lord wants people to get along and live, stable contented lives in their households. But sex of the non-procreational kind?

Read your Bible, bud. Focus on the Pauline doctrines. Don't tell me the Bible and God have no bearing on your sex life! He can SEE you!

I really am getting tired of making sure people know about the dangers or sex and the need to seek the Lord in moderating of one's activities.

Can I work with junkies, now?

Exaustedly Yours,

Handmaiden

There will be no procreating in my bed. I was already menopausal when my husband and I met, and he has never wanted kids anyway. So fo us, sex is about expressing our love for each other by giving mutual pleasure.

Paul was a frustrated, bitter old man, who couldn't get laid, and decided that everyone needed to be as miserable as he was. No thanks.

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

No one ever HAS to do it unless they want to.

The decision of when, where, and in what position to have sex, as well as decisions as to the use of contraceptives and/or sex toys or other enhancements, should be mutually arrived at by the loving couple.

Man, oh, man! Did you just arrive from another planet?! Scratch that-- God created life here, etc.

Very little of the sex mentioned in the Bible was between "loving couples". Lust appears from time to time-- and God PUNISHES it!

Marriage is about securing bloodlines and property rights-- OT--and glorifing the Lord -- NT.

Admittedlty, the Lord wants people to get along and live, stable contented lives in their households. But sex of the non-procreational kind?

Read your Bible, bud. Focus on the Pauline doctrines. Don't tell me the Bible and God have no bearing on your sex life! He can SEE you!

I really am getting tired of making sure people know about the dangers or sex and the need to seek the Lord in moderating of one's activities.

Can I work with junkies, now?

Exaustedly Yours,

Handmaiden

[Sister Charli]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Warm showers of the correct vigor and pulse can also go a long way to exorcising the demon urges.

Helpfully Yours,

Handmaiden

Thank you kindly dear Sister.

I also find a couple of hundred miles with a hot throbbing Harley between my legs .....

Ummmm. Eerrrr. Might keep that one to myself.

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Hear ye, Brethren of LBC!

I am finding this thread exhausting. Can't you go to someone else for martial advice of this nature?

Just remember, Sex: Dirty, if you're doing right.

That is-- with shameful furtiveness and full acknowledgment of the despicable nature of deeds done only in the dark.

Women: Brood Animals, to be serviced properly by the Stud, chosen by the Lord for vigor needed to produce healthy young'uns.

Talking: Kept to a minimum. Vocal cords only used to call upon God for strength and endurance of the trial which a woman must accept.

Let's see, what else. . . babies:good; pillows:iffy; exercise:carefully monitored . . . no such thing as "doorbell" above "foyer". If you find something where you're not supposed to be rooting around anyway, it's probably some mutant growth. IGNORE it, and it might go away.

Alright you people! I'm officially bored by sex now. Any further questions, ask Dr. Ruth.

Grouchy now, going away.

Grumpily Yours,

Handmaiden

[Tchoupitoulas]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

No one ever HAS to do it unless they want to.

The decision of when, where, and in what position to have sex, as well as decisions as to the use of contraceptives and/or sex toys or other enhancements, should be mutually arrived at by the loving couple.

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Oh dear. Unlike some I do not need diagrams. There are way too many visuals in this thread for an old maid like myself.

I will be back in a couple of hours. I need to go and have a cold shower to my prayer cupboard.

Warm showers of the correct vigor and pulse can also go a long way to exorcising the demon urges.

Helpfully Yours,

Handmaiden

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

I went back and reread the thread, I understand now
If you go at it from that angle is there not a chance that you could, um- err, find that you are in a strange place?

Do you know that there are about a million wildebeest roaming the Serengeti?
They were all conceived by dumb animals who found the right "route"!

I have confidence in you, Brother, dear. One false start and a hastily muttered "sorry" and you'll be in familiar territory. But remember, no talking after that!

Men really have nothing valid to say at that point and a woman's best bet for getting a good night's sleep is to shut up!

Genteelly Yours,

Handmaiden

[handmaiden]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Well, it's not every True Christian™ wife who successfully masters the art of juggling, but those who do usually perform it in a supine position on their back, with their Lady Parts raised upward, via the aid of large cushion under their buttock.

Now see, I get the pillow thing, like my other suggestion it promotes delivery of the package contents as close to the needed facility as possible. No hanging about in the foyer, straight back to the kitchen and just a jump into the oven.

My only concern is that there can be awkward moments of -- conversation, whilst the pillow is being adjusted. I, for one, find speaking during such uncomfortable moments is -- not to be too technical -- icky. Prayers to the Lord are acceptable, of course, but any other talking is just prolonging the ickiness.

I and my doctor still support both faces forward and nobody looks at anybody positions. (Blindfolds may be employed as an extra measure.) As pointed out before, there is less overall body contact, no possibility of lascivious kisses and that mythical little buzzy bud, which is (supposedly) just outside the foyer like some sort of door bell (press me and gain entrance at your leisure) doesn't get accidentally knocked or brushed over during the process.

Oh, sure, I've heard even weirder tales of G-spots and how different positions
"stimulate" different walls -- ( Wait a minute. Walls, foyers, kitchens-- Are we actually discussing houses right now or sex? I forgot.)

Okay, the point is that women (good, God-fearing, normal women) hate doing it like mammals. Men find it-- highly effective.

Good Christian wives are not supposed to like sex. Therefore, a good Christian husband serves God's procreative purpose and honors his helpmeet by minimizing her discomfiture. He gets it done quickly with the least amount of ickiness.

I speak as a woman who struggles to fend off the remaining tendrils of lust. The pillow and all that "training" tend to benefit women as much or even more than men.

Women need to be as uninvolved during sex as possible. It is the only way to protect the sancity of marriage and their sweet, but second-rate souls.

Soulfully Yours,

Handmaiden

[James Dewitt]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

I went back and reread the thread, I understand now
If you go at it from that angle is there not a chance that you could, um- err, find that you are in a strange place?

[Sister Charli]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Oh dear. Unlike some I do not need diagrams. There are way too many visuals in this thread for an old maid like myself.

I will be back in a couple of hours. I need to go and have a cold shower to my prayer cupboard.

[Larry Lee]

Re: You don't HAVE to do 'it' on the honeymoon

Frankly Brother, I would be more than a bit scared if I saw my late wife - she died over two years ago in a bizarre gardening accident, remember? - running around the house, juggling small objects or frozen Mora products with her unspeakables.

Well, it's not every True Christian™ wife who successfully masters the art of juggling, but those who do usually perform it in a supine position on their back, with their Lady Parts raised upward, via the aid of large cushion under their buttock.