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Home pregnancy tests are tools of Satan, ladies. They are blasphemous and guarantee the test-taker's place in hell. You should never use science to uncover God's plans.
In order to take a pregnancy test, a women must urinate all over it. Only wild animals and Germans are so imprudent with their urine. After several minutes, the test will display the results. Typically two lines indicate that test-taker is with child, and one line means that she is a barren whore.
Now, I was curious as to how pregnancy tests work. I called my physician and was told that they "look for the beta subunit of HCG in urine." I became infuriated by his medical jargon and told him to "yank my subunit" before hanging up. So I still have no idea how these tests work.
Ladies, what makes you think you might be pregnant anyway? A missed period? Nausea? Fatigue? These are commonly misunderstood "symptoms."
Missed Period
God took special care when he created mankind. Womenfolk, on the other hand, were an afterthought. Consequently, they have a lot of glitches, such as late or missing periods and not being able to follow the plot of a political thriller.
Nausea/Vomiting
You recently copulated. You've been a naughty harlot and should be feeling sick to your stomach. Your vomiting is a natural reaction to guilt and shame. Jesus is probably puking right along with you.
Tiredness
You women should be cooking, cleaning, sewing, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and tending to men and children around the clock. Couple this with the fact that you're weak. Of course you feel tired. Also, God wants you to be exhausted so it's easier for your man to beat you.
There's another danger to using home pregnancy tests. Let's face it. You women are horrible at following directions. You're also licentious by nature and have no self-control. How many of these pregnancy tests do you think just end up being used for self-gratification and further enraging God? I think "a gazillion" is a conservative estimate. So stay away from them.
If you just can't wait, there's only one rational way to find out if you're pregnant--pray to God, and He'll send tiny angels in spelunking gear into your uterus to find out the answer. Praise be.
In order to take a pregnancy test, a women must urinate all over it. Only wild animals and Germans are so imprudent with their urine. After several minutes, the test will display the results. Typically two lines indicate that test-taker is with child, and one line means that she is a barren whore.
Now, I was curious as to how pregnancy tests work. I called my physician and was told that they "look for the beta subunit of HCG in urine." I became infuriated by his medical jargon and told him to "yank my subunit" before hanging up. So I still have no idea how these tests work.
Ladies, what makes you think you might be pregnant anyway? A missed period? Nausea? Fatigue? These are commonly misunderstood "symptoms."
Missed Period
God took special care when he created mankind. Womenfolk, on the other hand, were an afterthought. Consequently, they have a lot of glitches, such as late or missing periods and not being able to follow the plot of a political thriller.
Nausea/Vomiting
You recently copulated. You've been a naughty harlot and should be feeling sick to your stomach. Your vomiting is a natural reaction to guilt and shame. Jesus is probably puking right along with you.
Tiredness
You women should be cooking, cleaning, sewing, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and tending to men and children around the clock. Couple this with the fact that you're weak. Of course you feel tired. Also, God wants you to be exhausted so it's easier for your man to beat you.
There's another danger to using home pregnancy tests. Let's face it. You women are horrible at following directions. You're also licentious by nature and have no self-control. How many of these pregnancy tests do you think just end up being used for self-gratification and further enraging God? I think "a gazillion" is a conservative estimate. So stay away from them.
If you just can't wait, there's only one rational way to find out if you're pregnant--pray to God, and He'll send tiny angels in spelunking gear into your uterus to find out the answer. Praise be.
I think my life is too secluded.
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