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  • #1

    Almost 24 and Unmarried

    Sisters in Christ,

    Those of you that have been fortunate enough to have a husband will never understand my grief at nearing the age of 24 and still living at home with Mother and Father. The only thing that soothes my soul is the pending application I have at Leviticus Landing for the condo my parents will inhabit while I complete the application process for Apostles Park Court (is the 24 page form really necessary?). Well, that and this luscious peach pie I made for the Men's Fellowship meeting tomorrow morning. I don't know why they want me to wear the French Maid outfit they purchased for me to serve it, but who am I to question the fine men of the church?

    Pastor Ezekiel, since Father continues to deny permission for any suitor thus far, is it Biblical for you to choose someone for me? I don't want to live my life alone, but if it is meant for me to be a purveyor of pie and live in Freehold on my own, I shall do so. I know I can do a great service for the men of Landover in that way. I also don't want just "anyone."

    Pray with me, ladies, that Jesus sends someone into my life soon. If He does not, by 25 I am most certainly assured an Old Maid's title, wouldn't you think? Oh, PLEASE, Leviticus Landing, come through for me.

    Darn slow Joo lawyers. I apologize for saying the "D" word.

    Oh, and if anyone can contact Vavoline, I would like to speak to her about being a caregiver for Mother and Father. I could provide housing in the condo and an appropriate salary.

    NRL
    1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
    Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
    Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
    Locations in 50 States and Canada
    !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
    Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
    Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Almost 24 and Unmarried

    What a most meritorious idea.

    Pastor Zeke has a rare eye for fine young gentlemen, firm thighed, clean limbed and eager to be the one who could sire many soldiers of Christ upon decent Christian women.

    I'm sure that if you let Pastor Zeke have a taste of your most delicious pie he will select a husky, manly Christian male for you.

    But be advised: you womanly hormones will most likely take control so under no account imagine those burly, muscular youths, moving with the unconscious grace that only unselfconsciously masculine males display.

    I sometimes look at my youthful, young Nephew and wonder what kind of wholesome manly man he will one day become: but you must not do so.

    If you do have such thoughts tell a Pastor, immediately.

    YIC
    1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

    Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

    Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Almost 24 and Unmarried

      Philippians 4:8:
      "Finally, brethren, whatsoeuer things are true, whatsoeuer things are honest, whatsoeuer things are iust, whatsoeuer things are pure, whatsoeuer things are louely, whatsoeuer things are of good report: if there bee any vertue, and if there bee any praise, thinke on these things."

      Dr. Niles,

      Again, the special love you have for your nephew truly touches my heart. I picture you, as you watch him sleep, filled with the True Christian (TM) desire to aid him as he grows and develops into a wiry, muscular, strong, appropriately proportioned man, virile and masculine. I see you being somewhat sad as you watch him give his heart someday to a woman, since at that time you will find it harder to watch his every move. Praise Jesus for the influence you've had on his life.

      I feel very convinced that you are correct: Pastor Zeke has a fine eye for all things, not the least of which is the selection of firm buttocked, Godly men. While I feel GOD is leading me toward a pie shop in Freehold, there is no reason why I couldn't have both.

      I am sending you a bottle of wine to sip (Even our Lord knew the importance of wine) as you continue to watch over your nephew. Perhaps you will also have a remembrance of your former wife as you carefully and responsibly enjoy the fruit of the vine. That will surely bring you peace.

      Again, thank you for your words of wisdom. Fed Ex should be knocking any moment with the wine. (Surprise: it's actually 2 bottles!)

      NRL
      1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
      Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
      Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
      Locations in 50 States and Canada
      !Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
      Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
      Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Almost 24 and Unmarried

        Fear not Sister. Ther Lord will provide, I am sure.

        You still have as much as several months before you would be considered unmarriageable.

        God Bless!
        God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Almost 24 and Unmarried

          Take heart, Sister Naomi! I didn't find my Wonderful Husband until I was well over 24!

          As beautiful as you are, I'm sure a nice young man will desire to take you as his helpmeet. Just be patient and continue to practice making your pies as appealing and savory as possible. It's the quickest way to a man's heart!
          Let Jesus Christ Wash You Clean
          in 2016

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Almost 24 and Unmarried

            Funny story. Over in the slant countries, girls who are unmarried by the age of 24 are called "Christmas Cake." It refers to the delicious, sweet cakes that are sold all over the place leading up to the Lords birthday for very high prices. Any cake not sold by Dec. 24 is considered old and stale, and impossible to sell.

            Just sayin'....
            Who Will Jesus Damn?

            Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

            Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

            Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Almost 24 and Unmarried

              I have been and will continue to pray for you, dear Sister Naomi. When I speak with Jesus, he has been quite evasive on the subject, and so I feel he has very special plans for you that are not to be divulged, at least not to me, at this point in time. Just know that Jesus has a twinkle in his eye when He thinks of you.

              Romans 8:28 (1611 King James Bible)

              And wee know that all things worke together for good, to them that loue God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
              sigpic

              I Kings 7:23

              And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

              New here? Desiring to be pleasing in the eyes of The Lord and His Followers?

              Then do as directed by our esteemed Pastors and head on over to the Introductions subforum and make your first post there, friend. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. Anything else you want to share with us about how Jesus has blessed you is welcomed too.

              Are you a hater of God that believes He is a morally bankrupt monster? Read Why, you ask, is God so angry? to see that it is in fact you that is the monster that mercilessly and infinitely torments God.

              Stop this relentless torturing of God and accept Jesus today!

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