[Pastor Al E Pistle]

I have discovered my error.

I mistakenly committed heresy by trying to explain the Bible in terms most people would understand. I said that it has everything you need and nothing you don't...sort of the spiritual equivalent of a Nissan XTerra only not Japanese. I understand why JESUS deleted my post EVEN THOUGH IT WAS SAVED(TM).

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: I have been punished by JESUS!

Didn't you take a backup?

You should have followed Jesus' example.

Because JESUS SAVES!

Haaaa Haaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaa!!!! The one a GOOD one Brother!

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: I have been punished by JESUS!

I just finished a lengthy report explaining (with references) why women probably have no souls; why Adam ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge, blamed Eve, and God, being omniscient, punished Eve and all future generations of women for what Adam did and for what women would cause men to be blamed for in the future; why women are unclean, yea, even the Virgin Mary was unclean and had to purify herself through ritual, and then I explained the ritual required after childbirth, when suddenly....MY POST DISAPPEARED!

Didn't you take a backup?

You should have followed Jesus' example.

Because JESUS SAVES!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

I have been punished by JESUS!

I just finished a lengthy report explaining (with references) why women probably have no souls; why Adam ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge, blamed Eve, and God, being omniscient, punished Eve and all future generations of women for what Adam did and for what women would cause men to be blamed for in the future; why women are unclean, yea, even the Virgin Mary was unclean and had to purify herself through ritual, and then I explained the ritual required after childbirth, when suddenly....MY POST DISAPPEARED! Jesus obviously found a flaw in it. I am sorry, JESUS! I expect it was because I mentioned that the ritual for cleansing after childbirth and the ritual for curing Leprosy are the same, but obviously I am wrong and I PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS!

This is for childbirth:
Leviticus 12

1. And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,


2. Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.


3. And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised.


4. And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled.


5. But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.


6. And when the days of her purifying are fulfilled, for a son, or for a daughter, she shall bring a lamb of the first year for a burnt offering, and a young pigeon, or a turtledove, for a sin offering, unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation, unto the priest:


7. Who shall offer it before the LORD, and make an atonement for her; and she shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood. This is the law for her that hath born a male or a female.


8. And if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons; the one for the burnt offering, and the other for a sin offering: and the priest shall make an atonement for her, and she shall be clean.

The cure for Leprosy, which is not a disease at all but a curse from God, is covered in detail in Leviticus 14.

FORGIVE ME JESUS!!!!!
a humbled Pastor Al.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

Yes. The Bible is FACT and science is speculation of the most transparent sort. When one has a Bible in their hand they have no use for logic.

You see, Minister Noddy, the Bible tells us everything we need to know and nothing we don't. Sort of a Nissan XTerra for the soul, only not Japanese. The Bible tells us who to love, who to hate, who to kill and how much to sell our daughters for (assuming their freshness seal is intact).

If you want REAL science, it is a proven fact that women who try to think for themselves are plagued with horrible migraine headaches, while women who spend at least three hours a day in the kitchen and five more cleaning the house and mowing the lawn never get headaches.

How fulfilling it must be to make your home a comfortable place for your husband. For you see, after a hard day's work at the office, he wants to come home, have a couple of cold, frothy blended drinks, beat the love of JESUS into the kids, and relax for a few hours watching the 700 club on TV.

During this time you should stop the squalling brats from screaming, get them washed and bandaged and put to bed. Then you must shower and look gorgeous for your husband in case he wants you to submit later.

But don't worry! You will get your own time for relaxation! Every twelve to sixteen months, women are relieved of their household duties for two days in order to deliver another new warrior for JESUS! PRAISE!

I like this part you wrote ...

You see, Minister Noddy, the Bible tells us everything we need to know and nothing we don't

Yesssss Pastor Al, this is the True Christian™ truth!

In the blink of an eye, I have seen it ... there is no going back ... the conversion is immediate ... but True™ Biblical learning requires careful and on-going study and prayer Pastor, and I am brand new, I will need help of course, and I will need help with things like this!

You wrote ...

How fulfilling it must be to make your home a comfortable place for your husband

Well hmmm, I have nothing against housework and cooking, Pastor, I've always enjoyed those things ...

But here is my problem! since I'm a widow and my poor husband passed away some time ago, and my children are grown now with their own families, I have no one to ...

... (serve) a couple of cold, frothy blended drinks to ...

... and no young kids to beat the LOVE OF JESUS into ...

My life will be changed drastically from now on Pastor Al, but I've got no husband, so this will be a hard thing for me to do ...

... needing lots of help with my new True Christian™ life now, noddy

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

This is absolutely true, Mr Prune! the Bible is FACT after all, real physical fact, why couldn't I see it all before?

Yes. The Bible is FACT and science is speculation of the most transparent sort. When one has a Bible in their hand they have no use for logic. You see, minister Noddy, the Bible tells us everything we need to know and nothing we don't. Sort of a Nissan XTerra for the soul, only not Japanese. The Bible tells us who to love, who to hate, who to kill and how much to sell our daughters for (assuming their freshness seal is intact). If you want REAL science, it is a proven fact that women who try to think for themselves are plagued with horrible migraine headaches, while women who spend at least three hours a day in the kitchen and five more cleaning the house and mowing the lawn never get headaches. How fulfilling it must be to make your home a comfortable place for your husband. For you see, after a hard day's work at the office, he wants to come home, have a couple of cold, frothy blended drinks, beat the love of JESUS into the kids, and relax for a few hours watching the 700 club on TV.

During this time you should stop the squalling brats from screaming, get them washed and bandaged and put to bed. Then you must shower and look gorgeous for your husband in case he wants you to submit later.

But don't worry! You will get your own time for relaxation! Every twelve to sixteen months, women are relieved of their household duties for two days in order to deliver another new warrior for JESUS! PRAISE!

[Sister Noddy]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. St. Paul has warned us in clear terms:

2 Corinthians 11:14 And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.

Once again the Bible shows itself to hold the answer to all questions. The next time you see an angel or a spirit, ask it to confess that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh (1st John 4:2-3).

This is absolutely true, Mr Prune! the Bible is FACT after all, real physical fact, why couldn't I see it all before?

Because of Satan of course! ugh! to think he was right here in my house all along, appearing once in awhile all in white robes and glowing light!

Well I got a good night's sleep and awoke refreshed, and my first thought was JESUS, and my headache is gone ...

No sign of Satan anywhere in the house, I've checked the closets ...

But he could be lurking, ready to pounce on me again, so I'll be on the lookout, that's for sure! ... so if I see him I'll demand he confess that Jesus is Lord in the flesh ... that should send him packing!

... on the way to becoming a True Christian™ noddy

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

He's out --- he's out of me Pastor Billy! --- That must have been what my headache was, SATAN leaving my brain!

Yoooooou know what? he was real after all!!!!! he must have been hanging around my house for GOD knows how long, all in white, looking like an angel of light ---

That shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. St. Paul has warned us in clear terms:

2 Corinthians 11:14 And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.

Once again the Bible shows itself to hold the answer to all questions. The next time you see an angel or a spirit, ask it to confess that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh (1st John 4:2-3).

[Sister Noddy]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

Thank you LORD, for providing a REAL, PROVABLE, MIRACLE! We are going to wait for a little while to make sure SATAN doesn't come back, but it appears that Minister Noddy (women can be ministers, they just can't speak in church ... but someone needs to council addle-headed females, and we get LOTS of them!) is on the road to TRUE CHRISTIANITY™.

PRAISE!

PRAISE! Pastor Al, this is soooooo wonderful! The difference is like night and day! it was the weight of SATAN inside, telling me lies, like science and logic! It all comes clear now, why couldn't I see it before?

So you're saying I can still be minister noddy, even though I am not gonna be a church minister anymore? no more preaching, no more speaking in church! Which reminds me, I must give them a call in the morning to let them know I won't be there on Sunday, that I'll elsewhere with my Bible lessons ...

Thank you Jesus! sooooo good to be addle-headed now Pastor, I don't have to think for myself anymore, the BIBLE will do my thinking for me. A million burdens have fallen away! Which reminds me, I had better start from scratch on the Bible, the KJV1611 of course, and I am going to need plenty of councilling, Pastor Al, and starting from the beginning I'll bet Genesis is going to sound a whole lot different to me when I learn it this time!

Praise GOD, a lightheaded noddy

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

Oooooooh boy, Mr Salvation, the devil is out of my brain and body --- this is why I feel so lightheaded! --- starting to recover from the headache!

It was such a strange thing, it was your Godly post I was starting to answer, when I saw Pastor Al's ---

And that was the moment! GLORY! Gosh, I feel so different now ....

... a different noddy happening, praise!

Thank you LORD, for providing a REAL, PROVABLE, MIRACLE! We are going to wait for a little while to make sure SATAN doesn't come back, but it appears that Minister Noddy (women can be ministers, they just can't speak in church...but someone needs to council addle-headed females, and we get LOTS of them!) is on the road to TRUE CHRISTIANITY(TM).

PRAISE!

[Sister Noddy]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

If this is true, then you have no idea how glad that will make me!



What you feel is satan struggling to hold on to your wretched body!
OUT DEVIL OUT!

Oooooooh boy, Mr Salvation, the devil is out of my brain and body --- this is why I feel so lightheaded! --- starting to recover from the headache!

It was such a strange thing, it was your Godly post I was starting to answer, when I saw Pastor Al's ---

And that was the moment! GLORY! Gosh, I feel so different now ....

... a different noddy happening, praise!

[Sister Noddy]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

PRAISE JESUS! That's one more soul taken out of Satan's grasp and put onto the winning team!

TAKE THAT, DEVIL!

Pastor Billy-Reuben

He's out --- he's out of me Pastor Billy! --- That must have been what my headache was, SATAN leaving my brain!

Yoooooou know what? he was real after all!!!!! he must have been hanging around my house for GOD knows how long, all in white, looking like an angel of light ---

Gosh! this changes everything! you know one of the things that did it for me was when i read one of the Godly pastor's posts saying that if I thought Michael was real, then why didn't I think Satan was real, since he was once an angel too! right? right?

Well I see I have a lot of new things to learn, Pastor! PRAISE JESUS!

... a rapidly recovering noddy, and happy with that!

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Re: This has gone on long enough!



PRAISE JESUS! That's one more soul taken out of Satan's grasp and put onto the winning team!

TAKE THAT, DEVIL!

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[SalvationSeeker]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

Of course I will have to give up being a minister in my namby pamby sissy false-christian angli-can't church ... but hmmm ... if it means that's the only way to get JESUS ...

Okay okay okay!!!! all right already!!!! my life isn't working, Pastor Al! my faith, what I thought my faith was all this time has been to no avail after all, the sad and sorry fact for me is that what yooooooou Godly pastors are saying makes much more sense! Okay already, I ACCEPT JESUS, I ACCEPT THE BIBLE!!!!

If this is true, then you have no idea how glad that will make me!

... and now I think I feel a headache coming on, an exhausted (and defeated) noddy

What you feel is satan struggling to hold on to your wretched body!
OUT DEVIL OUT!

[Sister Noddy]

Re: This has gone on long enough!

I cannot abide sinners and FALSE CHRISTIANS any longer!!

Minister Noddy, I COMMAND YOU, in the Name of GOD, to cast the demons out of your colon and CONVERT TO TRUE CHRISTIANITY™ this very second!

As GOD is my WITNESS, and JESUS my SAVIOR, I order SATAN, the Dark Angel to Release His hold on your person and CAST HIS DEMONS into the nearest flock of homers, goths, lezbeans or other trailer trash and send them for a swim in SIN FRANCISCO BAY and I beseech you LORD to grant this miracle to me so all can see that your Power and Might are absolute and that all who do not convert to the TRUE CHRISTIAN™ faith SHALL be tossed into the lower caverns of HELL to burn and be repaired to burn again for eternity.

In the Glorious Name of The Prince of Peace do I pray.

AMEN AND AMEN!

Pastor Al Pistle to JESUS, DIRECT FROM LANDOVER BAPTIST!

God Almighty!

... hey that DOES sound right, after all .. God Almighty ... GOD!

You SCARED ME PASTOR! I was just coming back to answer the Godly post of Mr Salvation, when I stumbled to my literal knees, seeing your post here, Pastor Al

Of course I will have to give up being a minister in my namby pamby sissy false-christian angli-can't church ... but hmmm ... if it means that's the only way to get JESUS ...

Okay okay okay!!!! all right already!!!! my life isn't working, Pastor Al! my faith, what I thought my faith was all this time has been to no avail after all, the sad and sorry fact for me is that what yooooooou Godly pastors are saying makes much more sense! Okay already, I ACCEPT JESUS, I ACCEPT THE BIBLE!!!! okay?

... and now I think I feel a headache coming on, an exhausted (and defeated) noddy

... amen ... amen ... okay? ...