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  • #1

    Freehold Weekly!

    Friends, we have developed a new baptismal for people we aren't quite sure about. It wasn't appropriate to put near the church, so it is down on Bobby-Joe's ranch, two miles off the highway by the golf course.

    We believe that GOD will sort of the sinners from the saints when we dunk them in this....well, we don't actually 'dunk' them, we drop them from the top of the barn.
    Attached Files
    Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
    "God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
    Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


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  • #2
    Re: Freehold Weekly!

    And speaking of the golf course! Bobby-Joe, unless you want to be demoted back to chasing melon pickers through the fields, YOU BE CAREFUL WITH THE GOLF COURSE SECURITY DOGS!

    I was down there last Thursday attempting to convert that old homer Father Mo and apparently the rattling of his rosary set off the alarm. Next time, make sure I AM NOT THERE WHEN YOU LET THE DOGS OUT! Pastor Zeke and I barely outran old Mo! Thank GOD Mo's old grandmother was caddying for us. She actually ran pretty fast there for a minute or so, but couldn't keep up.
    Attached Files
    Emeritus Professor of the Christ Jesus Chair of Theology at Landover Baptist University.
    "God loves you. Let us arrange for you to meet Him".
    Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth.--Psalms 58:6


    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Freehold Weekly!

      Here's a Freehold Weekly Scoop if I ever saw one!!

      I just found this Godly new device down at the Mall.

      It keeps out all the Demon lies of Atheists, scientists and other Monkey Worshippers

      Click image for larger version Name: creationist01.jpg Views: 1 Size: 43.5 KB ID: 1902160
      Last edited by Talitha; 09-18-2007, 08:40 AM.

      Sister Talitha

      Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.


      HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
      being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Freehold Weekly!

        Originally posted by Pastor Al E Pistle View Post
        Friends, we have developed a new baptismal for people we aren't quite sure about. It wasn't appropriate to put near the church, so it is down on Bobby-Joe's ranch, two miles off the highway by the golf course.

        We believe that GOD will sort of the sinners from the saints when we dunk them in this....well, we don't actually 'dunk' them, we drop them from the top of the barn.




        Umm no thanks Pator Al - I've already been Baptised......but my girlfriends dog "Flossie" needs some baptisering and that looks just like the spot to dunk the 'lovely' little fella. Come to think of it her mother hasn't been baptised either....food for thought...
        Attached Files
        The devil, whose business is to pervert the truth, mimics the exact circumstance of the Divine Sacraments. He baptises his believers and promises forgiveness of sins...he celebrates the oblation of bread, and brings in the symbol of the resurrection. Let us therefore acknowledge the craftiness of the devil, who copied certain things of those that be divine."
        Tertullian (155-222 AD) from The Prescription Against Heretics' Ch XL

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        • #5
          Re: Freehold Weekly!

          Originally posted by Guy View Post
          Umm no thanks Pator Al - I've already been Baptised......but my girlfriends dog "Flossie" needs some baptisering and that looks just like the spot to dunk the 'lovely' little fella. Come to think of it her mother hasn't been baptised either....food for thought...
          There's another critter that is needing to be drowned. We aren't mary worshipers, so we don't "bless" animals like they do....but if you come out to the Baptismal pool around midnight, you can toss it in. The mother too for that matter...

          By the way, this thread is for Freehold news, not gossip about the various demon rodents your harlot girlfriend keeps.
          Who Will Jesus Damn?

          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

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