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Winning souls for Jesus is a lot of hard work. The paint is still drying on the Landover Baptist Hell House 2007, but we're already planning for next year's.
Our current plans call for having the Hell House 2008 in the former building of the Convent of the Little Sisters of Perpetual Misery, which some of you will know as that run-down Victorian Gothic building that you can see from the intersection of Habakkuk Highway and the Freehold Bypass. After performing an exorcism to cast out the demons of Romanist Mary-hailing, we propose to go back to our traditional format of themed rooms, as detailed below. As you can see, the gravest threat to America, Western civilization, and life itself will be given two rooms.
Sometime in November, I'll pass around a sign-up sheet at mid-week Bible study to find people to do the hard work necessary to make this a truly scary Hell House that will scare people into the loving arms of Jesus. In the meantime, any constructive criticism from True Christians™ will be appreciated.
Landover Baptist Hell House 2008 (as per draft of 10/11/07, pending approval)
Democratic domestic-policy room: Under orders from President Hitlery Klingon and Chief Justice Barack Osama, women who are not mooselimbs or illegal aliens are dragged to hospitals for forced abortions, paid for by a new 500% sales tax on King James Bibles. A Cardinal Inquisitor chases the attendees around, threatening them with torture if they do not accept evolution and Wicca. Feminazis lead men around on leashes.
Democratic foreign-policy room: Shows Iraq once the cowardly Democrats have pulled out and Iraq has suffered the same ghastly fate as Vietnam, where Pol Pot killed all of the Kurds and kept the oil for himself. It is a failed state, rife with sectarian violence, and the world's new center of terrorist training, and Iran is making pretexts to invade. The middle class has moved out, and there is no lobster thermidor to be had.
Homosexuality room #1: This room is set in an airport men's room, where packs of feral sodomites gang-rape innocent Republicans to recruit them into the homer deathstyle choice. The ones who resist are chased around the room by a flannel-clad lesbian who threatens to castrate them with a labyris, while a member of the liberal MSM threatens to "out" all of them.
Homosexuality room #2: The second room is set in a wedding chapel decorated in felt-appliqué rainbow banners. By the altar, in place of the normal U.S. and Christian flags, are the bear flag and the state flag of Massachusetts. Two men prance up to the altar, where a woman Episcopalian bishop performs a "wedding" ceremony. Instantly, the bonds of real matrimony are ripped asunder for all heterosexual married couples in the chapel. Husbands and wives start duking it out until they notice how alluring their fellow pew-warmers' spouses are. Landover Baptist ushers move children on to the next room before the resulting orgy scene becomes too realistic.
Evolutionism room: Scientists, under a portrait of Lenin, cackle in malevolent glee as they announce plans to come up with an ideology that will destroy civilization. They are then seen ripping pages out of a book titled Airtight Evidence for Creation, throwing them into a shredder, and making "fossils" out of chicken bones. School children, when shown the "fossils," instantly reject God and therefore all morality, going on a spree of killing, raping, pillaging, and passing out Democratic campaign literature.
Public-school room: Shows a classroom in a typical public elementary school. Students say the pledge of allegiance to "one nation, under unelected liberal activist judges, indivisible, with liberty and justice for everyone except Christians." The teacher teaches them Wiccan sex magick. After that, she teaches them politically correct history, in which every civilization except ours is great and glorious and our greatest President was Jimmy Carter. She also teaches them the clearly satanic lie that our nation's founders were not all devout True Christian™ Baptists and the ludicrous nonsense that some of them were even deists and freethinkers. When a student even dares to mention Jesus, a representative of the ACLU snatches him and carries him off.
Catholicism room: A devout Catholic is shown in a hospital bed, dying of HIV that he contracted by ingesting a death cookie given to him by a skirt-wearing pedophile priest. Another priest gives him the sacrament of extreme unction and, in the process, attempts to grope him. The dying man cries out to the Blessed Virgin Mary to comfort him. "Mary" appears, rips off her mask to reveal herself as Semiramis, and drags him down to hell.
Liberal-Protestantism room: Another woman Episcopalian bishop gives a sermon, saying that Mother/Father God was just kidding when She inspired the parts of the NIV about spousal relationships and that She actually meant for men to submit to their wives. The bishop also says that the parts of the Bible about sodomy were meant for the church back then and that the most important parts of the Bible for people today are the parable of the sheep and the goats, the commandment to give to anyone who asks, and the passages in Acts about sharing all property in common.
Judaism room: In a synagogue, Jews observe one of their unpronounceable (un)holy days. A rabbi lights a black candle and prays, "Dark Lord Satan, we thank thee for sending us St. Judas Iscariot, for faking the Holocaust, and for giving us control over thy creation, the liberal MSM." He then wanders among the attendees, muttering something about tender, succulent Christian children. One of the congregants impatiently asks, "Rabbi, isn't it time for us to go poison some wells?"
Unelected-liberal-activist-judge room: In a federal courtroom, a Clinton-appointed judge invents a brand new constitutional doctrine, called "equal protection of the laws" or something, that gives sodomites the special privilege of being treated by real people and lets her brush aside the will of the people and their democratically elected representatives. She then hears a case in which a school board elected by a liberal Democrat county in the blue state of Maryland passes a sex-ed program that forces our precious children to learn that homers are actually people and in which decent Christians are forced to sue to stop it.
Environmentalism room: In a wilderness setting, a school bus is done up to look like a Honda Prius, or whatever it's called, that Pastor Peters thinks he saw on a business trip somewhere. The attendees are herded into the school bus. Landover Baptist deacons dressed as wild bears try to break in through the windows, saying, "Wild animals have just been given the vote, and we've voted to eat you all."
Hereafter room: This room is partitioned to let attendees see Heaven and Hell simultaneously. In Heaven, people sing "Jesus Loves Me" over and over again, occasionally pausing to look into Hell and point and laugh at loved ones who perished without Jesus. An angel announces that the people in Heaven will be privileged to do this for all eternity. In Hell, people beg for mercy, saying that they didn't know what a heinous sin they had committed by never hearing the Gospel, by being born in the Americas or Australia too early to meet True Christian™ missionaries, by hearing the Gospel in a way that they couldn't accept as true, or by reading the Bible and deciding that it couldn't be true. The devil jabs them with a pitchfork, telling them that there will be no mercy.
Decision room: A Landover Baptist deacon will gently, but repeatedly and insistently, ask the attendees whether they want to be good True Christian™ Landover Baptists or be tortured for all eternity. Since the attendees will have provided their names, home and work addresses, and Social Security numbers in order to buy tickets, the church business office will have already run credit checks and printed personalized tithing envelopes.
Gift shop: Parents can buy their own devil's pitchfork to remind children never, ever to be naughty. DVD's and both pop-up and coffee-table books will be available of this and previous years' Landover Baptist hell houses. There will also be an attractive selection of King James Bibles, priced for all tithing levels from tin to diamond pavé.
The gift shop will also include some of the favorite selections from the Church's main and other satellite gift shops. These include our ever popular Proverbs 22:15 rod of correction, engineered by Pastor Ezekiel himself, as well as Sister-in-Christ SUV's delicious Ezekiel 4:12 dung bread in both individual portions and family-sized loaves suitable for freezing. For edification at home or in the SUV, you may buy a CD of the Pastors' sermons on hell or a complete multi-disc set of Pastor Pistle's sermons. Remember: Show your Church membership card at the register and get 5% (gold-level tithers) or 10% (platinum- or higher-level tithers) off of your entire purchase!
Our current plans call for having the Hell House 2008 in the former building of the Convent of the Little Sisters of Perpetual Misery, which some of you will know as that run-down Victorian Gothic building that you can see from the intersection of Habakkuk Highway and the Freehold Bypass. After performing an exorcism to cast out the demons of Romanist Mary-hailing, we propose to go back to our traditional format of themed rooms, as detailed below. As you can see, the gravest threat to America, Western civilization, and life itself will be given two rooms.
Sometime in November, I'll pass around a sign-up sheet at mid-week Bible study to find people to do the hard work necessary to make this a truly scary Hell House that will scare people into the loving arms of Jesus. In the meantime, any constructive criticism from True Christians™ will be appreciated.
Landover Baptist Hell House 2008 (as per draft of 10/11/07, pending approval)
Democratic domestic-policy room: Under orders from President Hitlery Klingon and Chief Justice Barack Osama, women who are not mooselimbs or illegal aliens are dragged to hospitals for forced abortions, paid for by a new 500% sales tax on King James Bibles. A Cardinal Inquisitor chases the attendees around, threatening them with torture if they do not accept evolution and Wicca. Feminazis lead men around on leashes.
Democratic foreign-policy room: Shows Iraq once the cowardly Democrats have pulled out and Iraq has suffered the same ghastly fate as Vietnam, where Pol Pot killed all of the Kurds and kept the oil for himself. It is a failed state, rife with sectarian violence, and the world's new center of terrorist training, and Iran is making pretexts to invade. The middle class has moved out, and there is no lobster thermidor to be had.
Homosexuality room #1: This room is set in an airport men's room, where packs of feral sodomites gang-rape innocent Republicans to recruit them into the homer deathstyle choice. The ones who resist are chased around the room by a flannel-clad lesbian who threatens to castrate them with a labyris, while a member of the liberal MSM threatens to "out" all of them.
Homosexuality room #2: The second room is set in a wedding chapel decorated in felt-appliqué rainbow banners. By the altar, in place of the normal U.S. and Christian flags, are the bear flag and the state flag of Massachusetts. Two men prance up to the altar, where a woman Episcopalian bishop performs a "wedding" ceremony. Instantly, the bonds of real matrimony are ripped asunder for all heterosexual married couples in the chapel. Husbands and wives start duking it out until they notice how alluring their fellow pew-warmers' spouses are. Landover Baptist ushers move children on to the next room before the resulting orgy scene becomes too realistic.
Evolutionism room: Scientists, under a portrait of Lenin, cackle in malevolent glee as they announce plans to come up with an ideology that will destroy civilization. They are then seen ripping pages out of a book titled Airtight Evidence for Creation, throwing them into a shredder, and making "fossils" out of chicken bones. School children, when shown the "fossils," instantly reject God and therefore all morality, going on a spree of killing, raping, pillaging, and passing out Democratic campaign literature.
Public-school room: Shows a classroom in a typical public elementary school. Students say the pledge of allegiance to "one nation, under unelected liberal activist judges, indivisible, with liberty and justice for everyone except Christians." The teacher teaches them Wiccan sex magick. After that, she teaches them politically correct history, in which every civilization except ours is great and glorious and our greatest President was Jimmy Carter. She also teaches them the clearly satanic lie that our nation's founders were not all devout True Christian™ Baptists and the ludicrous nonsense that some of them were even deists and freethinkers. When a student even dares to mention Jesus, a representative of the ACLU snatches him and carries him off.
Catholicism room: A devout Catholic is shown in a hospital bed, dying of HIV that he contracted by ingesting a death cookie given to him by a skirt-wearing pedophile priest. Another priest gives him the sacrament of extreme unction and, in the process, attempts to grope him. The dying man cries out to the Blessed Virgin Mary to comfort him. "Mary" appears, rips off her mask to reveal herself as Semiramis, and drags him down to hell.
Liberal-Protestantism room: Another woman Episcopalian bishop gives a sermon, saying that Mother/Father God was just kidding when She inspired the parts of the NIV about spousal relationships and that She actually meant for men to submit to their wives. The bishop also says that the parts of the Bible about sodomy were meant for the church back then and that the most important parts of the Bible for people today are the parable of the sheep and the goats, the commandment to give to anyone who asks, and the passages in Acts about sharing all property in common.
Judaism room: In a synagogue, Jews observe one of their unpronounceable (un)holy days. A rabbi lights a black candle and prays, "Dark Lord Satan, we thank thee for sending us St. Judas Iscariot, for faking the Holocaust, and for giving us control over thy creation, the liberal MSM." He then wanders among the attendees, muttering something about tender, succulent Christian children. One of the congregants impatiently asks, "Rabbi, isn't it time for us to go poison some wells?"
Unelected-liberal-activist-judge room: In a federal courtroom, a Clinton-appointed judge invents a brand new constitutional doctrine, called "equal protection of the laws" or something, that gives sodomites the special privilege of being treated by real people and lets her brush aside the will of the people and their democratically elected representatives. She then hears a case in which a school board elected by a liberal Democrat county in the blue state of Maryland passes a sex-ed program that forces our precious children to learn that homers are actually people and in which decent Christians are forced to sue to stop it.
Environmentalism room: In a wilderness setting, a school bus is done up to look like a Honda Prius, or whatever it's called, that Pastor Peters thinks he saw on a business trip somewhere. The attendees are herded into the school bus. Landover Baptist deacons dressed as wild bears try to break in through the windows, saying, "Wild animals have just been given the vote, and we've voted to eat you all."
Hereafter room: This room is partitioned to let attendees see Heaven and Hell simultaneously. In Heaven, people sing "Jesus Loves Me" over and over again, occasionally pausing to look into Hell and point and laugh at loved ones who perished without Jesus. An angel announces that the people in Heaven will be privileged to do this for all eternity. In Hell, people beg for mercy, saying that they didn't know what a heinous sin they had committed by never hearing the Gospel, by being born in the Americas or Australia too early to meet True Christian™ missionaries, by hearing the Gospel in a way that they couldn't accept as true, or by reading the Bible and deciding that it couldn't be true. The devil jabs them with a pitchfork, telling them that there will be no mercy.
Decision room: A Landover Baptist deacon will gently, but repeatedly and insistently, ask the attendees whether they want to be good True Christian™ Landover Baptists or be tortured for all eternity. Since the attendees will have provided their names, home and work addresses, and Social Security numbers in order to buy tickets, the church business office will have already run credit checks and printed personalized tithing envelopes.
Gift shop: Parents can buy their own devil's pitchfork to remind children never, ever to be naughty. DVD's and both pop-up and coffee-table books will be available of this and previous years' Landover Baptist hell houses. There will also be an attractive selection of King James Bibles, priced for all tithing levels from tin to diamond pavé.
The gift shop will also include some of the favorite selections from the Church's main and other satellite gift shops. These include our ever popular Proverbs 22:15 rod of correction, engineered by Pastor Ezekiel himself, as well as Sister-in-Christ SUV's delicious Ezekiel 4:12 dung bread in both individual portions and family-sized loaves suitable for freezing. For edification at home or in the SUV, you may buy a CD of the Pastors' sermons on hell or a complete multi-disc set of Pastor Pistle's sermons. Remember: Show your Church membership card at the register and get 5% (gold-level tithers) or 10% (platinum- or higher-level tithers) off of your entire purchase!
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