Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Rev. Rodimer,

I certainly wish you'd reconsider. You see, this crime spree is being perpetrated by a single individual who is very troubled.

There is a warrant out for his arrest, and even a bounty on his head. (This is the first time there has been a bounty on anybody in Freehold in decades. Unlike the last however, this one has to be brought in alive.)

I will be elected Sheriff in November, and when that happens this town is only going to get safer, cleaner, and Godlier. I discourage you from canceling any plans you had to visit, as by the time you get here, Spring Heeled Jack will be rotting in a jail cell.

I'll be coming, Officer Richards. But the Board has cancelled the congregation's trip.

Even if all the recent violent crime in Freehold can be traced to one man and he can be stopped, there's still the question of whether or not Mayor Hold is, in fact, a closet Hindu.

Is it possible that the True Christians(tm) of Freehold elected a man to a leadership position without first ensuring that he was, himself, a True Christian(tm)?

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Rev. Rodimer,

I certainly wish you'd reconsider. You see, this crime spree is being perpetrated by a single individual who is very troubled.

There is a warrant out for his arrest, and even a bounty on his head. (This is the first time there has been a bounty on anybody in Freehold in decades. Unlike the last however, this one has to be brought in alive.)

I will be elected Sheriff in November, and when that happens this town is only going to get safer, cleaner, and Godlier. I discourage you from canceling any plans you had to visit, as by the time you get here, Spring Heeled Jack will be rotting in a jail cell.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Brothers and Sisters:

As you are aware, my congregation has been planning a visit to Freehold for some time now. Many of my members are excited about seeing Landover Baptist Church and immersing themselves in a True Christian™ town, if only for a week. We booked 120 hotel rooms in Freehold for the early November visit, and were eager to attend Landover's post-election celebrations (after a Republican majority is elected to Congress).

Many of my local brethren and sistren subscribe to the Freehold Truth and Light. As you know, the recent crime wave is reported in the paper. In the very same issue, they read of the Freehold Man of the Year debacle, in which your duly elected Mayor ran a contest without consulting with Pastors OR praying on the matter, when a proper Christian would have done both.

After service today, several local brothers and sisters cornered me, waving copies of the paper. They said that it seems Freehold is faltering, with violent crime as bad as Detroit. High speed chases through downtown, people being duct taped to posts, vandalism!

They fear for their safety if they come visit, and also are beginning to question the faith of Freehold's leadership. In particular, Mrs. Davies pointed out that "Johny" is a traditional Indian spelling, and she wondered if perhaps Mayor Hold is a Hindu.

I can't say I've ever seen him eat beef on my visits, and he seems to like curries a bit more than is normal for a red-blooded American man.

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that my Board of Directors has decided to indefinitely postpone the congregation's November visit to Freehold. Fortunately for our congregation, we are within the cancellation window for the 120 hotel rooms and the 75 rental cars.

I'm sorry that my congregation cannot join me on my visit in November. I am also sorry that your recent crime wave and Mayor of questionable faith will cost roughly $250,000 in lost business for the hotels, car rental companies, restaurants, and shops in Freehold.

I should also mention that Mrs. Davies has emailed the news stories to several other congregations that had planned visits to Freehold. I don't know what the fallout might be.