Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Brothers and Sisters:

As you are aware, my congregation has been planning a visit to Freehold for some time now. Many of my members are excited about seeing Landover Baptist Church and immersing themselves in a True Christian™ town, if only for a week. We booked 120 hotel rooms in Freehold for the early November visit, and were eager to attend Landover's post-election celebrations (after a Republican majority is elected to Congress).

Many of my local brethren and sistren subscribe to the Freehold Truth and Light. As you know, the recent crime wave is reported in the paper. In the very same issue, they read of the Freehold Man of the Year debacle, in which your duly elected Mayor ran a contest without consulting with Pastors OR praying on the matter, when a proper Christian would have done both.

After service today, several local brothers and sisters cornered me, waving copies of the paper. They said that it seems Freehold is faltering, with violent crime as bad as Detroit. High speed chases through downtown, people being duct taped to posts, vandalism!

They fear for their safety if they come visit, and also are beginning to question the faith of Freehold's leadership. In particular, Mrs. Davies pointed out that "Johny" is a traditional Indian spelling, and she wondered if perhaps Mayor Hold is a Hindu.

I can't say I've ever seen him eat beef on my visits, and he seems to like curries a bit more than is normal for a red-blooded American man.

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that my Board of Directors has decided to indefinitely postpone the congregation's November visit to Freehold. Fortunately for our congregation, we are within the cancellation window for the 120 hotel rooms and the 75 rental cars.

I'm sorry that my congregation cannot join me on my visit in November. I am also sorry that your recent crime wave and Mayor of questionable faith will cost roughly $250,000 in lost business for the hotels, car rental companies, restaurants, and shops in Freehold.

I should also mention that Mrs. Davies has emailed the news stories to several other congregations that had planned visits to Freehold. I don't know what the fallout might be.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Rev. Rodimer,

I certainly wish you'd reconsider. You see, this crime spree is being perpetrated by a single individual who is very troubled.

There is a warrant out for his arrest, and even a bounty on his head. (This is the first time there has been a bounty on anybody in Freehold in decades. Unlike the last however, this one has to be brought in alive.)

I will be elected Sheriff in November, and when that happens this town is only going to get safer, cleaner, and Godlier. I discourage you from canceling any plans you had to visit, as by the time you get here, Spring Heeled Jack will be rotting in a jail cell.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Rev. Rodimer,

I certainly wish you'd reconsider. You see, this crime spree is being perpetrated by a single individual who is very troubled.

There is a warrant out for his arrest, and even a bounty on his head. (This is the first time there has been a bounty on anybody in Freehold in decades. Unlike the last however, this one has to be brought in alive.)

I will be elected Sheriff in November, and when that happens this town is only going to get safer, cleaner, and Godlier. I discourage you from canceling any plans you had to visit, as by the time you get here, Spring Heeled Jack will be rotting in a jail cell.

I'll be coming, Officer Richards. But the Board has cancelled the congregation's trip.

Even if all the recent violent crime in Freehold can be traced to one man and he can be stopped, there's still the question of whether or not Mayor Hold is, in fact, a closet Hindu.

Is it possible that the True Christians(tm) of Freehold elected a man to a leadership position without first ensuring that he was, himself, a True Christian(tm)?

[HTannor]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Even if all the recent violent crime in Freehold can be traced to one man and he can be stopped, there's still the question of whether or not Mayor Hold is, in fact, a closet Hindu.

Rev. Rodimer, after reading your post, I rushed down to city hall and barged into the Mayor's office to find out for myself if, indeed, hizzoner is what you fear.

I jumped up on his desk, leaned over, and carefully examined his forehead. I can safely assure you there is absolutely no evidence of a dot.

Here, get out your magnifying glass and verify for yourself.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Rev. Rodimer, after reading your post, I rushed down to city hall and barged into the Mayor's office to find out for myself if, indeed, hizzoner is what you fear.

I jumped up on his desk, leaned over, and carefully examined his forehead. I can safely assure you there is absolutely no evidence of a dot.

Here, get out your magnifying glass and verify for yourself.

The dot is removable, Brother Tannor. They take it off when they want to pretend they are normal Christian folk.

The lack of a dot is even more evidence that he's a Closet Hindu! Maybe Mrs. Davies was right!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Brothers and Sisters:

It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that my Board of Directors has decided to indefinitely postpone the congregation's November visit to Freehold.

Rev. Rodimer--We are indeed disappointed that your congregation will not be coming with you to visit Freehold.

On the slim chance that the congregation might change its mind, I hope you will point out to them that Freehold's main law enforcement focus has been on keeping Satan at bay. It may be that this has allowed some of the less harmful traditional troublemakers to visit Freehold, but they, too, will be sent packing as soon as Officier Richards is elected Sheriff.

It is my hope that you will explain their safety from Satan while in Freehold and encourage the congregation to reconsider.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Rev. Rodimer--We are indeed disappointed that your congregation will not be coming with you to visit Freehold.

On the slim chance that the congregation might change its mind, I hope you will point out to them that Freehold's main law enforcement focus has been on keeping Satan at bay. It may be that this has allowed some of the less harmful traditional troublemakers to visit Freehold, but they, too, will be sent packing as soon as Officier Richards is elected Sheriff.

It is my hope that you will explain their safety from Satan while in Freehold and encourage the congregation to reconsider.

Not to mention that all the hotels in Freehold have a no refund policy for cancelled reservations.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Not to mention that all the hotels in Freehold have a no refund policy for cancelled reservations.

Fortunately for our congregation, we are within the cancellation window for the 120 hotel rooms and the 75 rental cars.

The Freehold Plaza Suites and the Landoverlook both allow cancellations with at least 30 days' notice.

Mayor Hold, I will see what I can do about getting them to change their minds, but it doesn't look good. Oh, and Mrs. Davies asked me to tell you she says "Namaste". Does that mean anything to you?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Mayor Hold, Mrs. Davies asked me to tell you she says "Namaste". Does that mean anything to you?

Funny you should ask. One of my hobbies is linguistics.

The word namaste has the same root as the English word "Name". But, namaste is Spanish--the Spanish word for name.

One would say, "?Oue esta su namaste?"

Please pass along my warmest greetings to Mrs. Davies.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

The dot is removable, Brother Tannor. They take it off when they want to pretend they are normal Christian folk.

The lack of a dot is even more evidence that he's a Closet Hindu! Maybe Mrs. Davies was right!

Rev,

Pastor Zeke himself has certified Mayor Hold is 100% NOT Hindu. This is just base speculation like those stories of people sexually abusing bears in their basements or keeping kidnapped girls up in their attics. People are just taking things like the phrase "I will go down on him" out of context and thinking it is something dirty.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Funny you should ask. One of my hobbies is linguistics.

The word namaste has the same root as the English word "Name". But, namaste is Spanish--the Spanish word for name.

One would say, "?Oue esta su namaste?"

Please pass along my warmest greetings to Mrs. Davies.

Mrs. Davies would like to thank you for your interesting linguistics lesson. She was under the impression that "nombre" is Spanish for "name", as is her housekeeper Juanita.

Of course, Mrs. Davies points out that Juanita is surely not as well educated as a "Sudra aspiring to be Kshatriya" like yourself! (I don't know what that means, I hope it's complimentary. My Spanish is generally limited to "nachos grande" or "burrito, por favor". I'm sure it means "aspiring to serve Jesus in Heaven".)

Rev,

Pastor Zeke himself has certified Mayor Hold is 100% NOT Hindu. This is just base speculation like those stories of people sexually abusing bears in their basements or keeping kidnapped girls up in their attics. People are just taking things like the phrase "I will go down on him" out of context and thinking it is something dirty.

Um, yes, that would be . . . er . . . of course, right!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Mrs. Davies would like to thank you for your interesting linguistics lesson. She was under the impression that "nombre" is Spanish for "name", as is her housekeeper Juanita.

Actually, either "nombre" or "namaste" can be used for our word "name".

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Um, yes, that would be . . . er . . . of course, right!

Exactly Revered. This is just being like that husband who threatened to bet up Revered Osborn because she told him that Osborn "sucked Satan right out of her". Figure of speech, nothing more.

[Felicity]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

@Rev. M. Rodimer I am sure Johny Joe Hold loves Jesus and I have seen him eat beef at my grandfathers several times!

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: Congregation visit to Freehold postponed due to crime wave

Mayor JJ.
There is a quick, tried and true way to put these rumors to bed once and for all, ''kill a cow for Christ''. Any reason is a good reason to put a medium sized bovine on a spit and have a BBQ.