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  • #1

    Antique Battle-Axe For Sale



    The mother-in-law just can't pull the cart anymore. She tries to help the wife in the kitchen, God bless her, but frankly, beating her for leaving spots on the drinking glasses isn't nearly as satisfying as it was a couple years ago when she was only 98.

    I am only asking $10.00 American for her. I'm sure she could probably be of some use still, maybe as a practice dummy for young Christian man-children to hone their wife-correction techniques on, or you could just roll her wheel-chair in the corner and let her draw off flies from the rest of the house during the summer, if she lasts that long.

    If anyone is interested, let me know. I am not firm on the price, and am open to negotiation. Serious offers only, please.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

    The price is a bit steep. If it could be reduced to, say, absolutely nothing, I would consider it. My neighbor Mrs. Johnson keeps buying dogs faster than I can shoot those annoying creatures and your mother-in-law looks like she would be great at scaring dogs away. She would of course have to build her own place to sleep, grow her own foot and pay rent.
    5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
    To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
    James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

      Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
      grow her own foot
      Brother Hammer, you didn't state she only had one foot! You should be paying the new owner to take her from you!

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

        Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
        The price is a bit steep. If it could be reduced to, say, absolutely nothing, I would consider it. My neighbor Mrs. Johnson keeps buying dogs faster than I can shoot those annoying creatures and your mother-in-law looks like she would be great at scaring dogs away. She would of course have to build her own place to sleep, grow her own foot and pay rent.
        I'm afraid she attracts feral dogs rather than repel them, on account of the fell odor wafting from her long-wilted birth-hole. Her arthritis makes it impossible for her to scrub out the demons of uncleanliness, and even my wife is loath to do it for her. We hung a pine scented air freshener around her neck, which helps a bit. I will throw that in on the deal, and reduce her price to $2.50.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

          Originally posted by Mother Of Seven View Post
          Brother Hammer, you didn't state she only had one foot! You should be paying the new owner to take her from you!
          The foot was removed by me in accordance with Mark 9:45, a few years back. She tripped over a copy of the KJV Bible that she had carelessly left on the floor, provoking my righteous fury. I amputated the offending foot before Christ could cast her into eternal flame, since back then I still had hopes that she would die any day now, and mightn't have time to repent properly...yet she lingers on...

          I gave her an iron-boot from my inquisition chamber, but she refuses to wear it. I'll throw that in, too. Maybe someone else will have better luck persuading her.

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

            Originally posted by Witch Hammer View Post
            I'm afraid she attracts feral dogs rather than repel them
            That is disappointing to say the least. As is the still too high price of $2.50. I assume she is too slow to be of any use for target practice?
            5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
            To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
            James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

              Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
              That is disappointing to say the least. As is the still too high price of $2.50. I assume she is too slow to be of any use for target practice?
              She's not very spry, but you could purposefully misalign your gun sights to make it more sporting for you. $.99?

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

                Originally posted by Witch Hammer View Post
                She's not very spry, but you could purposefully misalign your gun sights to make it more sporting for you. $.99?
                $.99 is way more than I would want to spend on a slow moving dog magnet. I just realized one of my grandchildren has a birthday next week. A slowly moving target might be useful for some proper Christian stoning festivities. Is the cake in the picture part of the deal?
                5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

                  Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
                  $.99 is way more than I would want to spend on a slow moving dog magnet. I just realized one of my grandchildren has a birthday next week. A slowly moving target might be useful for some proper Christian stoning festivities. Is the cake in the picture part of the deal?
                  There is a bit of it left, but honestly it tastes like crap. She baked her own cake, since nobody in the house, not even the females, could get onboard with celebrating another year of her interminable existance. Needless to say, she recieved a sound thrashing for screwing up the cake. How does 20¢ sound, and I pay the freight charges?

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

                    Originally posted by Witch Hammer View Post
                    There is a bit of it left, but honestly it tastes like crap. She baked her own cake, since nobody in the house, not even the females, could get onboard with celebrating another year of her interminable existance. Needless to say, she recieved a sound thrashing for screwing up the cake. How does 20¢ sound, and I pay the freight charges?
                    I suppose then the candles will have to do. The grandchild will become 8 but 10 is close enough to that. That also means we can skip his birthday for the next few years. If you reduce the price by 20¢ we have a deal. Provided the candles are included and the shipping crate is made out of decent wood so she can use it to build her own living quarters.
                    5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                    To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                    James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

                      Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
                      I suppose then the candles will have to do. The grandchild will become 8 but 10 is close enough to that. That also means we can skip his birthday for the next few years. If you reduce the price by 20¢ we have a deal. Provided the candles are included and the shipping crate is made out of decent wood so she can use it to build her own living quarters.
                      Its a deal! I will send her in an oblong wooden crate, complete with ventilation holes and plenty of styrofoam packing, which she can shred and use as a nest upon her arrival. If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

                        Originally posted by Witch Hammer View Post
                        If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.
                        Brother Cranky, if as a mere woman I may offer advice, unless the cost of burial is less than 20 cents then I think if you agree to this, and if she arrives in a defunct state, then you will end up owing Witch Hammer money, without ever having enjoyed the (dubious) benefit of owning this old lady alive. This surely cannot be right?

                        YiC
                        AW
                        2 Timothy 3:16

                        All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:


                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

                          Originally posted by Attila's Wife View Post
                          Brother Cranky, if as a mere woman I may offer advice, unless the cost of burial is less than 20 cents then I think if you agree to this, and if she arrives in a defunct state, then you will end up owing Witch Hammer money, without ever having enjoyed the (dubious) benefit of owning this old lady alive. This surely cannot be right?

                          YiC
                          AW
                          I should have put that part in fine print...

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

                            Originally posted by Witch Hammer View Post
                            Its a deal! I will send her in an oblong wooden crate, complete with ventilation holes and plenty of styrofoam packing, which she can shred and use as a nest upon her arrival. If she doesn't make the journey alive, just bury her in the box, and I will refund 100% of the purchace price, less the cost of burial.
                            Excellent, I will let you know when the package arrives. My grandson is looking forward to his surprise already. I am certain he doesn't expect we will celebrate his 10th birthday already even though he is only 8. My memory is not what it used to be so I forgot what I needed the old lady for. But I am sure it will come back to me.
                            5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                            To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                            James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

                              She looks all skin and bones, I doubt you could make a decent soap out of her.
                              -Every young man's battle - PORN AND MASTURBATION![/SIZE]
                              -DISOWN your ATHEIST children - just like this good mother did!!

                              -FINALLY!! Some rights for the rapists!!
                              -There is no such thing as animal abuse!!
                              -Pregnancy through RAPE is a GIFT from God
                              -Keep the Fags out of the Boy Scouts!!
                              -WIVES!! Stay in your abusive relationship!

                              STOP, DROP & ROLL DOESN'T WORK IN HELL!!!!

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