Letters from the War on Christmas

[Wash O'Hanley]

Dearest Martha,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and spirits. I hope mother and the children are also well. When I first joined up I was too naive to truly understand the horrors of war, and now I will never be the same.

This afternoon I fought in the Battle of the Little Rock Wal*Mart. Our mission was to take the strategic wholesale retailer that has refused to use the word "Christmas" in any of their advertising or employee-to-customer greetings. Last night we set up camp on the creek next to the Shell Station. Many of us had never seen the horrors of war and didn't know what to expect. As dawn rose our commander gathered us and within the hour we were packed and ready to march.

We crested the hill behind the loading docks and made a surprise attack through the emergency exit. As we stormed the store customers grabbed their children and fled. After capturing the employees and tying them up in the break room we proceeded to spray paint the word "Christmas" on the outside window and install a makeshift manger scene on a small lawn in front of the store.

I will spare you the details of what we did to the employees for I know your heart cannot handle knowing. War turns every man, even the gentlest radio broadcaster, into a monster. I pray that this war will end soon, for I do not know how much more of these horrors I can endure. Sometimes when I'm sleeping under the stars I look up at them and find comfort in knowing that you are looking up at the same ones as me.

Someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in my lifetime, there will come a day when Christians no longer have to publicly embarrass themselves in order to push their beliefs on others. That's what I'm fighting for.

Yours always, from the front lines in the war on Christmas,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

[HTannor]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Keep up the good fight, Brother Wash, and please continue to send us your dispatches from the front lines.

Should you be taken prisoner-of-war in this fight, I am, at this moment developing a plan that should gain your freedom.

I'm calling the plan "Operation Tin Cup". Some of the details need some fine-tuning, but it generally includes these steps:

1. We receive word of your capture.
2. Sheriff Don apprehends a squad of Wal-Mart greeters and their supervisor just before they go on duty.
3. Sheriff Don waterboards the supervisor just to show we're serious.
4. The group is brought before my court and charged with various high crimes and misdemeanors (I'm still working on this detail)
5. They are all found guilty and sentenced to prison.
6. We arrange a prisoner swap with the Little Rock PD.
7. You arrive back in Freehold and Mayor Hold presents you with a medal attesting to your valor.

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

This afternoon I fought in the Battle of the Little Rock Wal*Mart.

My GOD - and no one called me on my Cell to tell me about this?

I would have 'Been There or Been Square' - Certainly®!

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Dearest Edith,

I write to you not as the once innocent man you kissed goodbye some three weeks ago, but as a hardened soldier in The War on Christmas. I've seen things too disgusting to describe to you and lost many friends along the way.

Yesterday my men and I were ambushed by a squad of atheist yuppies in what became The Battle of the Orlando City Hall Manger Display. As we stood in vigilant guard in front of that wooden statue of blessed Jesus we could hear in the distance the sound of a Dave Matthew's Band CD growing ever-louder. Soon the front of the City Hall was completely illuminated by the headlights of at least half a dozen Honda Priuses. We readied ourselves as the cigarette-legged, skinny-jean wearing, ironic lumberjack beard-wearing, 30-something-year-olds rushed as us with the intent of tearing down the scene of our Lord's birth.

We stood our ground and in Jesus' holy name bashed in every last one of their heads causing them to retreat and regroup at the local farmer's market to mend their wounds with organic fair-trade rubbing alcohol.

I'm proud to report that due to our efforts residents in the greater Orlando area will not have to drive by their City Hall without being reminded that Jesus is the reason for the season (in case they forgot).

We've lost a lot of good men in this fight, but on days like these I know that it's all worth it.

Send my warmest regards to mother and the children. Know that my heart aches for you on these long, cold nights.

Lovingly yours,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

The Battle of the Orlando City Hall Manger Display.

JESUS! And once again, no one Called me on my Cell to inform me of this!!!

And to have missed this Vision, which I'm Sure does not come down the road at you every day: "ironic lumberjack beard-wearing"

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Egads Wash, I had no idea it was that bad in the front lines of the Culture Wars. It shows you have safe and peaceful it is here in Freehold. To think right now in Wallmasts, town squares and Applebees across this country people are fighting and dying for us.

[HTannor]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

If it weren't for an old injury that flares up from time to time, I would be on the front lines with Brother Wash.

In the meantime back here on the home front, we need to consider ways to support those fighting for our way of life.

-The lovely Sister SUV could gather the ladies and roll bandages.

-Brother Bobby-Joe might organize Freehold men into volunteer units who would patrol the streets at night and enforce black-out regulations.

-I am trying to put together a USO tour to entertain the boys on the front lines. Dotty and Dotty, the Dingle sisters are rehearsing burlesque skits and will be ready to depart in a moment’s notice.

-Rumors are floating that Brother James Hutchins is putting together a guerilla unit for operations behind enemy lines.

-Mayor Johnny reports he is drawing up plans for gas and sugar rationing.

-We hear that Brother DeWitt is converting one his Gulf Streams into a flying ambulance.

As developments occur, we will report them to you.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Yes indeed, Judge Tanner, this is an all-hands-on-deck war.

Everywhere we turn, Satan is trying to overpower us. He is taking the word Christmas out of everything, throwing it on the ground and stomping it to death.

Mark my word, when Satan is done stomping out Merry Christmas, he will move on to something else. My guess is when Spring comes, we will be forced to say "Happy Bunny".

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

This times it really is for real. The Pro-War protests in the '60s, the anti-Feminists moment of the '80s, the abortion clinic protests, 9-11, all were leading up to this. I can hardly believe I write this while at the same time in malls across America men are suffering and dying so our great nation can have a future. Soon our town square manger scenes will be anointed by the blood of patriots and become another national hallowed ground, just like Gettysburg.

The shit just got real

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

-The lovely Sister SUV could gather the ladies and roll bandages.

We Christian Ladies will do anything for you Men! Anything! Just ask! PLEASE!!!

As to bandage-part, could I Donate an opened box of Band-Aids instead? It's almost half full. In this cold weather my hands might become chapped otherwise

[Levi Jones]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Wow, Wash. I am 100% behind you guys! It's a shame that I can't serve due to the pilonidal cyst that keeps me out of Iraq, but you have my thoughts and prayers.

Just know if it weren't for this boil on my butt, I would totally be there with you guys smashing hippie skulls.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Wow, Wash. I am 100% behind you guys! It's a shame that I can't serve due to the pilonidal cyst that keeps me out of Iraq, but you have my thoughts and prayers.

Just know if it weren't for this boil on my butt, I would totally be there with you guys smashing hippie skulls.

You know, Brother Levi, they can drain those. Clean it right up for you, it will!

I, of course, would be all too happy to join Brother Wash in his battles . . . except Wal-Mart has been declared "Nice" by the American Family Association for their use of "Christmas" in their advertising, and I fear he may be off his rocker gathering inadequate intelligence for his campaigns.

[SUV]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Don't forget to Call me on my CELL next time something is planned! How many times do I have to tell you Boys the number is 867-5309?

[Bible Student]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

Dearest Edith,

I write to you not as the once innocent man you kissed goodbye some three weeks ago, but as a hardened soldier in The War on Christmas. I've seen things too disgusting to describe to you and lost many friends along the way.

Yesterday my men and I were ambushed by a squad of atheist yuppies in what became The Battle of the Orlando City Hall Manger Display. As we stood in vigilant guard in front of that wooden statue of blessed Jesus we could hear in the distance the sound of a Dave Matthew's Band CD growing ever-louder. Soon the front of the City Hall was completely illuminated by the headlights of at least half a dozen Honda Priuses. We readied ourselves as the cigarette-legged, skinny-jean wearing, ironic lumberjack beard-wearing, 30-something-year-olds rushed as us with the intent of tearing down the scene of our Lord's birth.

We stood our ground and in Jesus' holy name bashed in every last one of their heads causing them to retreat and regroup at the local farmer's market to mend their wounds with organic fair-trade rubbing alcohol.

I'm proud to report that due to our efforts residents in the greater Orlando area will not have to drive by their City Hall without being reminded that Jesus is the reason for the season (in case they forgot).

We've lost a lot of good men in this fight, but on days like these I know that it's all worth it.

Send my warmest regards to mother and the children. Know that my heart aches for you on these long, cold nights.

Lovingly yours,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III

Thank you Brother Wash. Your post brings back such warm memories of Orlando. It was such a wonderful spirit-filled Christian town of 35,000 people when I first arrived there at the beginning of the 1970s. It was a joy watching those fine Christian men in white sheets and hoods nailing up posters of uppity nigras and recommending a good tar and feathering or introduction to the working end of a shotgun before that satanic, evil, vile Walt Disney World ruined the fine city. Now look what you have. A frenetic cesspool of more than 3 million heathens devoted to the lord of the underworld, the prince of sulfur and brimstone.

I'll pray for you and your group as you fight to keep the Christmas scene on government property where it properly belongs. If there is anything I can do to help [I still have lots of Christian friends there though I've moved 1200 miles away.] please let me know. Unfortunately my assistance cannot be monetary as I have already paid my 10% tithe of $1.50 for this month. (We bible students don't make much money, you know.)

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Letters from the War on Christmas

To my friend Derwood,

As I write this letter I am worried that perhaps something awful happened to you at The Battle of the Charleston Highway Atheist Billboard, for I have not heard from you in nearly a fortnight and grow more anxious as the days go by. Please respond to this letter so I know you are alright.

After our success at The Battle of the Knoxville Safeway we marched north toward Pennsylvania where word had spread that a small contingent of Christ-killing Jews were amassing in the small town of Erie to prevent the production of a school play depicting our Lord's birth. As we entered the town we knew something was amiss and set up camp in the forest nearby. As night fell we made our way to the Elementary School where the production was to take place. Activist Jews/Atheists/Homosexuals had prevented this year's play from making any mention of Christ and the once Godly "Nativity Play" had its name changed to "The Christmas Santa Slept In." We had to stop this theatrical abortion from reaching the public and hatched a most devious scheme. While Cooter and Wayne chained themselves to the front door in silent protest that prevented the parents and children from getting into the auditorium the rest of us forced our way in through the cafeteria loading docks, beating the lunch lady savagely over the head with a frozen lamb chop when she attempted to alert authorities. The men and I then took the child actors and drama teacher hostage backstage.

The police finally arrived and hauled Cooter and Wayne off to jail, while they will be missed their sacrifices will not be in vain. (Before I forget: If you could get a hold of Cooter and Wayne's families and let them know where they are that would be great since we don't have the money to bail them out right now) As the parents took their seats the curtain rose and the lights dimmed. Prepared to see the theatrical equivalent of watching a mentally challenged seven year old smash his testicles with a claw hammer, the parents were most taken aback when the boys and I, donning Jesus-era garb, performed the miracle of Jesus' birth with me playing the part of the Virgin Mary.

We escaped before the authorities could return and spent the night in the woods reveling in our victory over Godlessness while consuming spirited beverages like Peppermint Schnapps. The boys and I had a gay time indeed. It is good for us to have these moments, for the joys that we experience come so far apart during this war. I pray the day The War On Christmas ends will be soon. I miss my bed, for sleeping in the woods under bridges with meth addicts and winos has made me long for the comforts of my home. I miss home-cooked meals. I miss my wife Martha, and my secret fiance Edith, who I plan to marry as soon as this war is over.

I hope this letter will find you in good spirits and that you may receive it before Christmas. You are in my prayers.

Sincerely, your dear friend,
Washburn 'Big Tex' Rutherford O'Hanley III