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  • #1

    Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

    Brothers in Christ,

    This afternoon as I was collecting the trash from around the house to take out for pickup, I found a semen-drenched bundle of toilet paper in my son's bedroom. I have notified the Pastors, and suffice it to say that there will be severe consequences followed up by months of Christian counseling for young Isaiah. Keep us in your prayers as we go through this difficult time.

    But that is not why I am posting here. I would like to invite you all over next weekend for the funeral for the millions of sperm-babies who were so senselessly murdered. There will be an open-casket wake Friday evening, where you can come by and say a prayer and leave your respects for the sperm babies. The funeral service will be at 3:00 pm on Saturday, followed by burial in my back yard. Light hors d'ouvres will be provided afterward. Please wear your Sunday best.

    In lieu of flowers, the family of the deceased asks that you make your checks payable to Landover Baptist Church Youth Fellowship.

    YIC
    II Thessalonians 1:7-9
    And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
    In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
    Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power
    The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
    Tags: masturbation is genocide, sanctity of life, seed murder, sperm babies
  • #2
    Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

    My deepest condolences at this trying time, Brother.

    I won't be able to attend in person but I'm sure the webcast will be of the same high level of quality as Brother Portway's wedding (just with less whining and crying).

    YIC
    1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

    Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

    Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

      Jed, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My and my families deepest condolences.

      I'll skip my sons high school graduation of course (not like I'll be missing anything, seems there is one every year) and will be at your side, giving you the support you need in times of sorrow such as this.

      If you'd like, I'd be happy to take your son aside and express the displeasure Jesus has when he ejaculates the Seed of Onan® without the express purpose of impregnating his wife.
      Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
      Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
      Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
      Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
      Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
      Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

        I'm still waiting for my customary Funeral Fee to be wired over. Millions of dead sperm got you a discount, but only after the first 10,000 wiggly boys.
        Who Will Jesus Damn?

        Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

        Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

        Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

          Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
          I'm still waiting for my customary Funeral Fee to be wired over. Millions of dead sperm got you a discount, but only after the first 10,000 wiggly boys.
          I left a message with the bank, but it will be some time tomorrow before they can let me set up a Home Equity Line of Credit.
          II Thessalonians 1:7-9
          And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
          In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
          Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power
          The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony

          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

            At least they weren't DOA inside another man's anus. I imagine Ofc. Richards' job of drawing the chalk outlines was traumatic enough as it was.
            The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

              This is deeply troubling news, brother.

              How is your family holding up? It must be so hard.

              I know it's difficult, but facts are facts. Your son is a selfish murderer, and should be treated as such until he repents and promises JESUS never to kill another sperm baby ever again.

              Have you decided on a fitting punishment yet?
              sigpic
              The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
              - Proverbs 15:3

              CHILDREN'S STORY: TIMMY ON TRIAL


              CHRISTIAN ADVICE AND MESSAGES OF HOPE! GOD'S GREATEST HITS!


              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

                My deepest condolences to you family Brother Jedediah. I wish I could tell you those 150,000 unborn are with Jesus in Heaven now, but we both know it's not true. Moments like this we must remember the promise of Isaiah that The Lord will wipe all tears away.

                Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

                Hot Must ReadThreads!


                Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!

                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

                  I have some experience in the funereal arts if you need help in planning the ceremony at a reduced price. I have sent you my home address by separate e-mail so you can place the offending tissues in a plastic bag along with a photo of your son and mail them to me. I will then prepare a suitable funereal presentation for the services on Saturday.

                  Here is the result of a recent presentation I arranged. The tissue was found wadded up and covered in dust under under a bed in a college dorm room. I managed to make it look almost unused and presented it in this mahogany tissue casket. It was my homage to Leviticus 10:10, but bear in mind I do not work miracles. Job 14:4.

                  I look forward to receiving your ziploc with the corpses.
                  Attached Files
                  "Come Unto Me. Put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath." (Matthew 19:14, Job 1:11).

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

                    My deepest condolences to you and your family, and I hope that you will be able to pass this challenge in His Name, even though I do not think anything will be able to condone the murder of 150,000 sperm children.

                    Although I do not have any children of my own, I would believe that this is a deep family tragedy.

                    Our prayers are with you.
                    Genesis 6:6: And the LORD was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart.

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

                      Originally posted by Gregory Jubilay View Post
                      I would believe that this is a deep family tragedy.
                      Indeed, it is.

                      It's as though Jedidiah just lost a million grandchildren.

                      Guess he can just throw away all the baby clothes and toys he bought in anticipation.

                      sigpic
                      The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good.
                      - Proverbs 15:3

                      CHILDREN'S STORY: TIMMY ON TRIAL


                      CHRISTIAN ADVICE AND MESSAGES OF HOPE! GOD'S GREATEST HITS!


                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

                        How did Jedediah lose millions of grandchildren. He only lost one at the most as only one sperm would've gotten in. And what would Jedediah rather want, his son spilling his seed on the ground or his son knocking up a young teenager?
                        "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
                        -Philippians 4:13

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

                          Originally posted by TheDevilsLeftBall View Post
                          How did Jedediah lose millions of grandchildren. He only lost one at the most as only one sperm would've gotten in. And what would Jedediah rather want, his son spilling his seed on the ground or his son knocking up a young teenager?
                          You must be a pro-death liberal. I suppose we should just spray Zyklon-B on the poor ejaculate as well.

                          Do you always compare one sin to another? You think it is okay to slaughter millions of innocent half-children because, hey, you haven't fornicated? I suppose murder is okay because it is not rape, and rape is okay because it is not murder. Is that your reasoning?


                          Matthew 5:19

                          King James Version (KJV)

                          19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
                          Those innocent sperm cells are in Hell now, because of ignorance like that which you are spreading.
                          The Only Real Climate Change Will be Hell!

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

                            Originally posted by Billy Bob Jenkins View Post
                            You must be a pro-death liberal. I suppose we should just spray Zyklon-B on the poor ejaculate as well.

                            Do you always compare one sin to another? You think it is okay to slaughter millions of innocent half-children because, hey, you haven't fornicated? I suppose murder is okay because it is not rape, and rape is okay because it is not murder. Is that your reasoning?




                            Those innocent sperm cells are in Hell now, because of ignorance like that which you are spreading.
                            wtf are you on about?
                            "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
                            -Philippians 4:13

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Caught My Son Spilling Seed: Funeral Next Saturday at 3:00

                              Originally posted by TheDevilsLeftBall View Post
                              wtf are you on about?
                              He's responding to your hate-filled comment when our dear Brother Jedediah is in a time of grief. What is wrong with you atheists, anyway?

                              You have no compassion whatsoever.
                              Bible boring? Nonsense!
                              Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                              You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                              Comment

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