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Folks, Big Ben needs all of our prayers right now. It seems some she-witch succubus is accusing this two time Super Bowl winner of tricking her into coming into his hotel room and then forcing her to have sex with him.
Folks, any man that has below-average looks like Mr. Roethlisberger and so many of my listeners have had to spend their lives tormented by beautiful women that will not sleep with them. To add insult to injury Ben has to watch Tom Brady knock up one super model and then get married to (and subsequently knock up) a second supermodel while Tony Romo, a player Ben is significantly better than, has dated both Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson. Frankly it's unfair. While Ben has the physical prowess to dismantle every defense in the NFL and win two Super Bowls, including one with a 2 minute drill come-from-behind last-second TD pass, he still looks like a horse.
While his colleagues are basically running around with their erect Johnsons hanging out, impaling every supermodel and pop singer on the end of them, Big Ben is reduced to taking a cheap hotel room in a third-rate casino in Reno (Las Vegas for lepers and cheap, morbidly obese rednecks), calling a hotel repairwoman to come look at his television and then "accidentally" answer the door naked. Sure it's a terrible way to get sex, but how many of you can honestly say that you haven't tried it at least once?
Don't bother praying that this unfortunate-looking horse-faced-man beats this rap-- given the NFL's recent past, even if he's convicted of rape, the most he's looking at is 3 days in a minimum security jail, 2 weeks of probation and 20 hours of community service working with kids. Pray that a beautiful woman will date this prolific professional athlete that has the unfortunate aesthetic appeal of a severe burn victim.
Dear Lord, please give Ben Roethlisberger a beautiful nubile to keep him company and provide him with love before he covers his balls in peanut butter and lets a dog lick it all off (making Michael Vick the second-worst dog owner in the NFL).
Amen
And if you question the power of prayer, remember that I prayed for Pro Bowl quarterback and wood troll Jeff Garcia and now he's married to a former Playboy model.
A woman claims Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger lured her into a hotel room, then sexually assaulted her, according to a new lawsuit.
Andrea McNulty claims in her civil lawsuit filed in Washoe County, Nevada, this year's Super Bowl winner asked her to come to his hotel room in July, 2008 -- and then forced her to have sex with him.
Andrea McNulty claims in her civil lawsuit filed in Washoe County, Nevada, this year's Super Bowl winner asked her to come to his hotel room in July, 2008 -- and then forced her to have sex with him.
While his colleagues are basically running around with their erect Johnsons hanging out, impaling every supermodel and pop singer on the end of them, Big Ben is reduced to taking a cheap hotel room in a third-rate casino in Reno (Las Vegas for lepers and cheap, morbidly obese rednecks), calling a hotel repairwoman to come look at his television and then "accidentally" answer the door naked. Sure it's a terrible way to get sex, but how many of you can honestly say that you haven't tried it at least once?
Don't bother praying that this unfortunate-looking horse-faced-man beats this rap-- given the NFL's recent past, even if he's convicted of rape, the most he's looking at is 3 days in a minimum security jail, 2 weeks of probation and 20 hours of community service working with kids. Pray that a beautiful woman will date this prolific professional athlete that has the unfortunate aesthetic appeal of a severe burn victim.
Dear Lord, please give Ben Roethlisberger a beautiful nubile to keep him company and provide him with love before he covers his balls in peanut butter and lets a dog lick it all off (making Michael Vick the second-worst dog owner in the NFL).
Amen
And if you question the power of prayer, remember that I prayed for Pro Bowl quarterback and wood troll Jeff Garcia and now he's married to a former Playboy model.
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