What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

I see a lot of new souls have come to the Only Forum Approved By Jesus during the year I was away, so I will introduce myself in the proper gentlemanly fashion: by blessing you with my unbendable opinion on everything I can think of. Enjoy!

My opinion:

On most of the unsaved trash that come to our forum:

Oh look, some hussy with pierced nipples has an opinion, now all our tens of thousands of members have to change our entire lives and way of life around, despite what the Bible says.

On My Lai:

The Bible is truely timeless, and every line of it is of use as literal guidance today. For example, remember Lieutenant Calley, who neutralized all of those Buddist heathens at My Lai? He may have gotten all the credit and glory, but it was the word of God that made him rise to the challenge. From his autobiography:

"Our mission in My Lai wasn't perverted, though. It was simply 'Go and destroy it;. Remember the Bible: the Amalekites? God said to Saul, 'Now go . . . and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. But the people took the spoil -' and God punished them. No difference now..." - Lieutenant Calley

On John 3:16 cafeteria-Christians:

What you believe in a composite character made of every drug-addicted hippie from the Beatles to ZZ top, not in the real-world Jesus. If I believe in a flatulent cockroach named "Jesus" and I repent in his name, I go to heaven? Of course not. Same thing if you make up a phoney Jesus in your own mind without reading and comprehending the Bible.

Sad to say, there are only 144,000 people in the world who truely understand Jesus and who truely follow every one of his commandments. Some in Freehold, some in our missions around the world, a few in Washington DC, more scattered around corporate headquarters here and there - some fighting in the jungles with the Lord's Resistance Army, and a few people from history, like whoever burned that feminazi Joan of Arc.

Malachi 2:3

Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces

On questioning Dick and Bush's daughters:

One of them has twin daughters who committed a few youthful indescretions, for which Jesus has forgiven them, and Dick Cheney has one daughter who who has chosen the lifestyle choice of Satan, for which Jesus will not forgive her. My theory is that whenever a boy says "dick" she got confused and thought they where talking about her father. That and it's Clinton's fault. Either that or the whole thing is just more liberalmedia lies.

Now leave us alone you immoral drug-dealing hippie pervert.

On the Earth being flat:

Granted, God has since rolled the world up into a ball, but only because he didn't want Columbus and his god-fearing sailors to sail off the end of the earth. So, God made the world round for him, and as a bonus, gave God's Chosen People an entire continent.

I know the whole above paragraph might not actually be written in the Bible (at least without some interpretation) but there's nothing in the Bible that contradicts it, so you can't prove it's not true, can you?

On pre-KJV Christians:

Could Christians exist before the KVJ was written? But of course, after all, Moses and his priests were Christians, and that was even before Christ. The Crusaders were obviously Christians, the Inquisitioners were Christians, Cortez and his Conquistadores were Christians, and so on.

Catholic propaganda claims these heros as mary-worshippers, but whoever heard of Charlemange or Vlad The Impaler stroking rosary beads or wearing dresses? No, they were too busy Doing God's Work - smiting heathens - to engage in such sinful nonsense.

God must have spoken to these first-wave crusaders directly, just as He speaks to George Bush's administration of latter-day crusaders directly.

There were lots of alter-boy-buggering blood-drinkers around before the KJV, but there were also Christians, it's just that because they all went by the same name it's hard to tell which is which. Generally, if they're smiting unbelievers, (like Cortez) they're Christians, and if they're collecting jewlery and wearing dresses (like all of the popes) they're hellbound mary-worshippers, their bloody entrials being future lubricant for the rape-rooms of the eternal abyss.

On Monasteries:

The idea behind a monstery is to retreat away from the world. We want to advance and conquer for the Lord of Hosts, we want the entire WORLD to be our monastery.

But as for Medieval monasteries, often they were close by nunneries, and there are tales of heterosexual behavior. I think only when protestants left that the remaining homos took total control over the Catholic Church.

Think of it like after the Rapture: with republicans gone, the democrats will take over the country, resulting in gay orgies in every public park, and at least one gay couple rimjobbing on every street corner. In short, America will be a cesspool - but one cannot look at that and say America had always been a cesspool. Before the Rapture, it had been half-sane and half-cesspool. Well, that's what the Catholic world was like, and the reformation was like a rapture of sorts.

So, I'm sure those monasteries would have had a handful of True Christians™ who could smack the nancyness out of the others, but when they left to become protestants, all hell broke lose - literally.

Restaurant Review: The Chow Factory:

Hm, normally I don't like slumming, but it seemed like most of the middle-class people there had bathed and were mostly free from diseases, so I actually had a good time. The wine list was pathetic though - when nothing on the list is over 500$, why bother with a list at all?

I disaprove of tipping, such acts of so-called "charity" are the same as welfare, turning humble people who accept their lot into greedy, entitled-feeling whiners.

Overall, I think the Chow Factory is alright, the food is very fatty, and that's a good thing: I think there are too many skinny people in church, and that's making us look bad:

Proverbs 28:25: He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat.

Skinny people have not put their trust in the Lord. That's why Africans and Indians are so skinny, while God-fearing America has been made fat by the Lord. However, look around you and you'll notice that even here there are not enough GOD-trusters around. Landover Baptist Church must set an example for the nation: so chow down!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

On Trial By Combat:

“...most historians date the origins of the duel to AD 501. That was when Gundebald, King of Burgundy, under pressure from a relentless bishop, [decided] to declare the wager of battle a recognized legal proceeding. He argued that since God directed the outcome of wars, it was only right to trust in His providence to favor the just cause of private quarrels as well.

(Gundebald must also have been aware that perjury was regularily being committed under the existing system of trial by oath. The clergy encouraged the belief that God, when called upon, would work a miracle in favor of anyone unjustly accused. The power of deciding a persons guilt or innocence was then placed entirely in its hands. Thus, when red-hot plowshares were placed on the ground and an accused person, blindfolded, had to avoid them to be judged innocent, a cleric had only to place the plowshares at irregular intervals to encourage a conviction; when the accused had to handle, unhurt, a piece of red-hot iron, a presiding sympathetic priest would substitute cold iron painted red - and so on.)

...Victory in combat would be proof of integrity in all legal proceeding in lieu of swearing..."trial by battle" soon became the norm throughout Europe. Duels were used to decide even the most arcane and acedemic conflicts, so that in Toledo, in 1085, a duel determined whether Latin or Mozaribic rites should be used in the liturgy (the Mozarabic champion won).

A class of proxy fighters, known as "champions" emerged. It was a dangerous way to earn a living, as a losing duelist would have his right arm cut off. The accused was kept just out of sight, a noose around his neck, if his champion lost, he would immediately be hanged or burned to death...

[Pope] Nicholas I pronounced dueling "just and legitimate" and abbots and priors began taking their share of the confiscated goods of a defeated combatant, sometimes even fighting themselves. Their weapon of choise was the mace, on the false premise that it did not shed blood (it is difficult to crush an opponent's skull cleanly). In 967 the Council of Ravenna declared judicial combat acceptable, citing David's triumph over Goliath was evidence of divine sanction. A century and a half later, there were even formulas for Church blessings of duels....Certain monasteries, such as some around Paris in the 14th century, maintained special fields equiped with walls and viewing stalls expressly for staging judicial duels, with the monks renting out facilities as required.

…the law remained on the statue book until it was cynically employed one last time, in 1817, by a man accused of murdering a girl by her younger brother. The boy was to young to fight a duel, and as no one else could be found to take his place the charges were dropped. Finally on March 22, 1819, the judicial duel was abolished by Parliament.”

_By the Sword_, Richard Cohen, p40-45

It gives us a lot to think about, doesn’t it? God does decide who wins battles, there are many battles in the Bible and all are decided by the hand of God, and there is single combat there was well, see David and Goliath. God does indeed protect the unjustly accused, notice how nobody at Enron has been jailed, obviously God is protecting them from to false witness of their accusers.

Everybody knows the court system is too soft on crime, it employs lawyers, it wastes time, and it results in boring TV dramas about lawyers, while a TV show about trial by combat would be non-stop action! We could even watch the real thing, live, in our churches, just like those old monasteries did it.

So let’s stop all this nonsense about “you need a warrant” and “read the bill of rights” and all that lawyer garbage - just start swinging your sword, and God will choose the righteous as the winner. God always has.

On George Lucas:

Right from the start Star Wars has been nothing but a marketing scheme for glow-in-the-dark dildoes and thinly-disguised buddism. And all those aliens with the funny foreheads, they're just trying to shove multiculturalism down our throats again.

I was actually pleasantly surprised by Revenge of the Sith - I really loved the hero, who looked a lot like Jesus, spoke like Jesus ("if you're not with me you're against me") even suffering a "passion" in the end - but then I heard other people talking as they left the theater, saying that they considered Darth to be "evil".

It's like they were brainwasheed or something. I thought the whole point of the thing was meant to be redemption, with the little mamma's boy (even has a girl's name: Annie) finally becoming a red blooded straight man, kicking those Buddist Jedis in their heathen rears. However, other viewers saw things the other way. I think there must have been subliminal messages in the music.

There's nothing new about subliminal messages in music, but have you noticed how downright brazen it's gotten lately? They even call their songs "protest songs", instead of songs of praise, which is what the Bible calls for.

Just to show how ignorant those hippies are - I just heard one of those protest songs by one of those drug-addict rock bands, and the lyrics go "I am Iraq, I am an island." Iraq isn't an island you idiots! Clearly homosexuals in that group, Simon and Garfunkstien or something. Hippies.

On the Heinz Lawsuit:

I'm going to get straight to the point here: we need donations. Heinz truely has the full power of Satan on their side, and this lawsuit just keeps going on in a battle of attrition. Right now only the lawyers are winning, but with enough funding we will be able to hire good enough lawyers to break the deadlock. The department of faith-based social services grant will literally be a Godsend, but it's tied up in beaureacracy right now - we need donations, and we need them now!

We presented some excellent evidence to the court, we showed photographic proof of how Hienz pasta is obsene and pornographic, from their alphabet pasta with its formation of obsene words and satanic messages (we had a witness give a moving first-hand account of her pasta repeatedly spelling "666") to their animal pasta and it's beatiality orgies. We showed shocking photographs of pasta elephants copulating with ostriges, giraffs performing oral sex on rhinos, ect. We urges the court to imagine their children being exposed to such smut.

Friends, our need for money is so urgent we have had to pospone two planned expeditions to find Noah's Ark as well as our much anticipated search for the Tower of Babel. As for the plan to find the flaming-sword wielding angel who guards the Gaden of Eden, at this rate it might never leave the drawing board.

I want to give a special thank you to our Gold and Platinum-Level Tithers, who have selflessly donated money, lawyers, use of their private jets, etc. I don't want to bother them for donations, they have already given all they can. It's the rest of you who need to shell out: I don't want to hear you whining about "tough times" and "down on my luck" and "already in debt" all the rest of it. You can't love both God and money, people. Your love of money is the root of all evil, so baby Jesus will smile if you borrow that extra bit, live on your credit cards for that extra month, so that we can tan Satan's Heinz.

Thank you and God Bless America.

On Obsene Music:

Here's a good list of immoral, obsene, and generally unAmerican songs worthy of being banned and burned.

http://ericnuzum.com/banned/incidents/

I've noticed we've been running low on material during Sunday night book burnings, but I'm sure there's got to be some pornographic records buried in someone's basement somewhere. Those R&B ones from the 50's were especially nasty, and they'll burn better than those stupid fireproof CDs they've started making these days.

My crusade to find intolerable music has lead me to a certain satanic creature named Claudia Wheeler:

http://franklarosa.com/vinyl/Exhibit.jsp?AlbumID=59

Note: the following link is not for children, women, and/or the weak-minded.

On Jerry Faldwell's Concubines:

Anyone high enough in Godly circles knows that Jerry Faldwell solved his concubine craving a long time ago, and with no resistance from his wife whatsoever.

Also, he got sick of blondes a long, long time ago and (if my gossip is up-to-date) has recently aquired a taste for dark meat.

On God's Beauty:

This is the only part of the Bible that I can complain about, that it isn't completely specific about type of beauty God has. I mean, an M-16 is beautiful, an AK-47 is equally beautiful, and an Uzi is also beautiful in its own way, but God can't look like all 3 at once, can He? Or perhaps He can, perhaps He looks like an assault weapon so pure and wonderous it can't be found at a gun show attended by mere mortals....Though I can't believe that without Biblical confirmation.

On Father's Day:

Every fathers day, what I think about is all of those fathers in prison or on parole, and of all the soft-on-crime sin-coddling bedwetters who put them there instead of punishing them in the way the Bible demands.

Levitcus 26:14 But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; 15 And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: ... 29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.

# Deuteronomy 28:15 But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the LORD thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee: ... 53 And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters ... 57 And toward her young one that cometh out from between her feet, and toward her children which she shall bear: for she shall eat them for want of all things secretly in the siege and straitness, wherewith thine enemy shall distress thee in thy gates. 58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD;

That's right: if you break any of the ten commandments, if you murder, steal, worship someone other than Jesus, or work on Sunday (and I don't care if you're a police officer or paramedic or soldier or what, the 10 commandments are clear, no exeptions) you must be punished as the Bible demands, because the Bible is the word of God. The Bible, the word of God, demands that people who break the 10 commandments be forced to eat their children. Raw or cooked, that is debatable, however the punishment itself is NOT.

This makes a lot of sense, after all, think of the reason we must get rid of the estate tax: if my children get rewarded with inheritence for my hard work, I'll work harder. And if my children are punished - for example, punished by being eaten by me, I'll have more incentive to obey the 10 commandments.

I say that it is vital for the survival of our free republic that the 10 commandments be posted in public schools, but also vitally important is that the punishment for breaking the commandments also be posted: "obey or we'll stew your children and pour them into a funnel nailed to your mouth" should cut down on sinfullness, or at least the kids will nag their parents not to be sinful.

What part of "break my covenant and ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat" don't you understand?

On Darfur:

http://www.zogby.com/b026_do_americans_care_about_darfur.pdf

According to the terrorist-supporting, Flag-burner Zogby, over 80 percent of respondents want the U.S. to impose a no-fly zone over Darfur to prevent further bombing of civilians. More than four out of five also want the U.S. to "use its military assets to bolster African Union troops on the ground in Darfur" and "impose tough sanctions" on the leaders responsible for the atrocities. 38 percent of respondents even supported deployment of U.S. troops in Darfur.

The biggest piece of Al Queda propaganda disseminated by ZOGby is that ninety-one percent (91%) of people polled disagreed with the Bush administration's policy of non-cooperation with the International Criminal Court.

Looks like 91% of Americans will be in trouble when the court is in session in the Universal Sin Court presided over by Judge Jesus, and where there is only one sentence: eternal torture in HELL!

Friends, I have just been to Uganda, and I have seen that there is only one way to deal with the situation there: first and foremost, remember not to do anything that might endanger American investments. That oil doesn't pump itself, people. Secondly, oppose the International Criminal Court, because it refuses to understand that True Christians have already had all their sins washed away by the blood of Christ, and therefore cannot be guilty of anything. Finally, give all support to the Lord's Resistance Army, the only force in the region that truly supports the Ten Commandments.

Sanctions? No-fly zone? International Criminal Court? These things are not mentioned in the Bible, and the Bible is the Perfect Book, the only book any world leader needs to read.

I support Bush and the Republican Party's strong, bold stand against doing anything about these darfuriners. I mean, I'm sure no dumbocrat can even find darfuristan or whatever it's called on a map anyway. The last thing we need is a bunch of do-gooders worrying about what's going on the the world and wanting to go and do good and so on. I mean, how am I supposed to check on my oil investments if there's a no-fly zone? By walking there?

On Democrats:

Soon your fat will be bubbling off your body as flaming brimstone devours you and homosexual demons with porcupine quills for pubic hair leer lustfully at your charred and sizzling backside.

REPENT!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

Preach it Brother, preach it!

Clearly the Lord has set your soul on fire with His Holy Flamming TRUTH!
Let the wicked read you Godly words and lament. It is time for them to REPENT!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

On The "Total Faith Society":

I have just gotten an email from something called the "Total Faith Society", they seem to believe in all sorts of things Jesus will burn them in hell for, however, it's hard to escape their logic, that since faith is good, more faith is better. What do you all think?

Imagine a world where 99.9 percent of the people are athiests. Imagine how horrible that would be: there would be immorality, wars and disasters everywhere. But wait - and watch the 6 o'clock news, because that's what we've got now. And guess why: because the world is 99.9 percent atheist.

Dear Friends,

Most people claim to have faith, yet when asked directly, it turns out that they are usually agnostic or athetist when it comes to the vast majority of the world's religions. A person might have faith in Jesus, yet not have faith in Zeus. They may have faith in reincarnation, yet no faith in Jesus. They might believe someone who talks about hearing the voice of God, yet not believe someone who talks about being abducted by aliens, or they might belive horoscopes and fortune cookies yet not trust specific omens. Or, they might belive in some omens yet not in others. They claim to believe, they they only believe 0.01 percent of religion. They are, in short, hypocrites.

Total Faith

Faith is good. Therefore, the more faith, the better. More faith, more goodness!

This is the motto of the Total Faith Society, the only religion that believes everything from every religion and belief.

Think about it. You are either pro-faith or anti-faith. If you disbelieve more than you believe, than you're more a less a secular scumbag. If you really had moral values you would believe in the following:

Acupuncture, Adam and Eve, Alchemy, Alien Abductions, Allah, Allopathy, Apollo, Ancient Astronauts, Angels, Apparitions, Area 51, Aromatherapy, Astrology, Astral Travel, Atlantis, Auras, Backward Masking, Bee Venom Therapy, Bermuda Triangle, Bible Numerics, Biblical Literalism, Bigfoot, Biorhythyms, Buddah, Cattle Mutilations, Chain Letters, Channeling, Christian Science, Clairvoyance, Conspiracies, Cosmobiology, Creationism, Crop Circles, Crystal Power, Curses....WE BELIEVE IT!

David Koresh, Demons, Dental Amalgam, Devils, Dianetics, Dihydrogen Monoxide, Divining, Dowsing, Dragon's Triangle, Dreams Of The Future, Drum Healing, Earth Rays, Ectoplasm, Electroencephaloneuromentimpography, Elvis Presley is alive, End-Of-The-World-Predictions, Energies Unknown To Science, Entities, Eugenics, Evangelists, Evil Eyes, Exorcism, Extra Sensory Perception, Face On Mars, Facilitated Communication, Fairies, Faith Healing, Fasting, Feng Shui, Firewalking, Flat Earth, Fortune Telling, Fundamentalism...WE HAVE FAITH!

Gaia, Gargoyles, Geocentricity, Ghosts, Ghouls, gods, Gurus, Hinduism, Heaven, Hell, Holistic Health, Hollow Earth, Holocaust Denial, Homeopathy, Horoscopes, Human Sacrifice, Icons (Weeping, Perspiring, Milk-Slurping etc), I Ching, Immortality, Incubusses, Jihads, Jehovah's Witnesses, Jesus, Jim Morrison is alive, Lake Monsters, Levitation, Life After Death, Loch Ness Monster, Lucifer, Lucky Charms, Lunar Effects, Magic, Martyrdom, Mars Landing genuined, Men In Black, Mermaids And Mermen, Mesmerism, Messiah, Miracles, Mohammed, Monuments On Mars, Moon Landing genuined, Moses, Mormonism...FAITH IS GOOD!

Natural Vision, Naturopathy, Near Death Experiences, Neurolinguistic Programming, Noah's Ark, Nostradamus, Numerology, Omens, Original Sin, Ouija Boards,Out Of Body, Palmistry, Parapsychology, Papal Infallability, Past Lives, People's Temple, Phantoms, Poltergeists, Prayer, Predictions, Prophecies, Psychic Archaeology, Psychic Dentistry, Purgatory, Pyramid Powers, Qi Gong, Racial Theories, Raindance, Reincarnation, Reiki, Remote Viewing, Resurrection of Christ, Reverse Speech, Runes, Sasquatch, Satanic Ritual Abuse, Scientology, Sihkism, Sea Monsters, Seances, Seers And Prophets, Shiatsu, Shrines, Shroud Of Turin, Snake Handling, Sorcery, Speaking In Tongues, Spontaneous Human Combustion, Spoon Bending, Star of Bethlehem, Stigmata, Succubusses...NO ATHEISTS HERE!

Tarot Cards, Tea-Leaf Readings, Telekinesis, Telepathy, Theosophy, Therapeutic Touch, Thought Field Therapy, Transcendental Meditation, Transubstantiation, Tutankhamen's Curse, UFO Cover Up Conspiricies, Unicorns, Unification Church, Wicca, Vampires, Virgin Births, Visions, Voodoo, Werewolves, Witchcraft, yin-yang ,Yetis, Zero Point Energy, Zeus, Zombies,...BECOME A BELIEVER!

FAQ:

What about contradicting religions?

People claim there are contradictions in the Bible too, but these people are only showing their own ignorance. The following are reasons ignorant people see "contradictions":

- That translation is incorrect - in the original texts a different word is used, so it is not a contradiction.

- He is taking the verses out of context, so there is no contradiction.

- Satan/Hades has blinded him to the truth. There is no contradiction, and he should pray/preform a sacrifice/cast a spell/donate money/chant a mantra/etc. to be shown the correct meaning.

- This is only an apparent contradiction. That is not the same as an actual contradiction.

-If the verses are interpreted correctly, it is obvious that there is no contradiction.

- There are no contradictions in the Bible/Quran/Talmud/Book of Mormon/etc., so this is not a contradiction.

- The contradiction is caused by his anachronistic thinking. The word had a different meaning back then.

But what about this quote that looks like a contradiction or something objectionable?

You are quoting out of contex. You have to read and properly interpret all of the world's religious texts to understand the true meaning. Have you read all of them? Including the Hindu ones that go on for thousands of volumes? In their origional languages, rather than flawed translations? No? Then you don't know what you're talking about.

It goes on for a lot longer, but I'm sure you've all gotten the gist of it by now.

On the Lord's Resistance Army

Wow, where do I start? It's been quite a month (has it been a month? It feels like a month. Well, really it feels like a lifetime. What an adventure!)

So anyway, I was checking up on my investments in Uganda (isn't it funny how anywhere Moslems are, there's oil? Someone should drill some holes in Michigan and see what comes up) and everything is running so smoothly, I figure I might look into the Lord's Resistance Army, a Christian charity dedicated to a government based on the 10-commandments.

Anyway, I found them, but so did the satanic government, who happened to be launching a major offensive, complete with a lot of bombing which I fear had permanently damaged my hearing. Joseph Kony's (he's the guy in charge, really decent, all-American kind of guy) he suggests that I pretend that I'm a hostage that escaped, but the government troops were really trigger-happy, and besides, Jesus is on my side and will keep me safe. And he did.

Not really any glorious scenes of heroism I can talk about, we just hid in the jungle while lots of explosions happened, and lots of bugs and leeches ate us alive. Did I mention that it's hot in Uganda? Really, really hot?

Anyway, eventually the satanists must have figured they'd killed us all or something, or maybe it was just a lull in the fighting, but I managed to get out of that stinking jungle, caught a plane that took me to Cairo, and then finally got on a plane that brought me back to civilization.

I'll give you more details later, but I suppose you'll all have questions. Thanks for praying for me.

(PS, whoever prayed that I would have a worm crawl up my eurethra - very funny, jerk. When I go away and ask people to pray for me, I mean pray for GOOD things to happen to me. Got it?)

On Women in Combat:

Insanity! Yet more proof that society is headed to hell in a handbasket! Bush and the Republican Congress want to get women out of combat, and those stupid jarheads in Iraq just use loopholes to put them back in! Come on now, who knows more about the proper way to run a war, Republican war heros like Bush, or some officer in Iraq whos probably "gone native"?

There's no excuse to have women in combat, maybe if there was a shortage of recruits or something, but we all know kids are lined up around the block to join the army because Bush's Crusade is so popular. Get those women back to the kitchen where they belong!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/conte...AR2005051202002

"Dozens of soldiers interviewed across Iraq -- male and female, from lower enlisted ranks to senior officers -- voiced frustration over restrictions on women mandated in Washington that they say make no sense in the war they are fighting. All said the policy should be changed to allow, at a minimum, mixed-sex support units to be assigned to combat battalions. Many favored a far more radical step: letting qualified women join the infantry.

But Congress is moving in the opposite direction. A House subcommittee, seeking to keep women out of combat, passed a measure this week that would bar women from thousands of Army positions now open to them...

For many inside Army camps, the disconnect between Washington officialdom and the reality that female troops confront in Iraq was epitomized by President Bush's Jan. 11 declaration of "No women in combat."

"That's an oxymormon!" said Sgt. Neva D. Trice, who leads a female Army search team that guards the gates of Baghdad's Green Zone, where many U.S. and Iraqi government facilities are located. "If he said no women in combat, then why are there women here in Iraq?"

Several male Army officers also dismissed Bush's statement as woefully uninformed. "The president got blindsided. The president didn't understand what the policy really was," said one officer, who requested anonymity because he was questioning the commander-in-chief....

Many commanders in Iraq say they see a widening gap between war-zone realities and policies designed to limit women's exposure to combat.

Although the Army is barred from assigning women to ground combat battalions, in Iraq it skirts the ban with a twist in terminology. Instead of being "assigned," women are "attached in direct support of" the battalions, according to Army officers familiar with the policy. As a result, the Army avoids having to seek Pentagon and congressional approval to change the policy, officers said...

Roney and other Army officers interviewed in Iraq agreed overwhelmingly that the Army's ban on locating female support soldiers with combat battalions was meaningless and should be lifted..."

ON EGYPT:

Egypt, where the men are hung like donkeys and spoodge like horses:

Ezekiel 23:19-20 “Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses”

I suppose yall is wondering why I chose that particular quote. It came up when I was checking on one of the abstinence-only sex education classes, which Landover Baptist Church is getting government funding for under the faith based social services thing. Anyway I was talking about how prostitution is acceptable if the girls are raising money for the church (Isaiah 23:17-18) when a boy mentioned (Ezekiel 23:19-20) and pointed out that he knows for a fact, being Egyptian himself. He even offered to demonstrate, but I was already short of time to teach about how in the future criminals will be punished by watching their wives get raped (2 Samuel 12:11).

Just think, before our church was in the schools, that kid probably would have waisted his time shooting spitballs and being taught evolution, but now he is learning more of Jesus every day. I marvel at the wonder working power of George W Bush and the Republican Party, who have brought so much goodness and morality into our schools.

ON LESBIANS:

You know what Jesus demands for body parts that cause one to sin. If an eye causes you to commit adultry in your heart, pluck the eye out. If your privates feel warm then do what so many people in Africa do, and cut those slimey tuna-stinking parts of you off! And throw them to the dogs!
You're not from Africa, are you?

"An estimated 135 million of the world's girls and women have undergone genital mutilation, and two million girls a year are at risk of mutilation - approximately 6,000 per day. It is practised extensively in Africa and is common in some countries in the Middle East. It also occurs, mainly among immigrant communities, in parts of Asia and the Pacific, North and Latin America and Europe.

FGM is reportedly practised in more than 28 African countries (see FGM in Africa: Information by Country (ACT 77/07/97)). There are no figures to indicate how common FGM is in Asia. It has been reported among Muslim populations in Indonesia, Sri Lanka and Malaysia, although very little is known about the practice in these countries. In India, a small Muslim sect, the Daudi Bohra, practise clitoridectomy.

In the Middle East, FGM is practised in Egypt, Oman, Yemen and the United Arab Emirates."

http://www.amnesty.org/ailib/intcam/femgen/fgm1.htm

(And people say we're intolerant of other cultures. On the contrary!)

On electoral strategy:

For us republicans to win elections, we can't let people think about jobs and wages and the draft and Osama running free - that sort of thinking leads to bad voting. You have to get them thinking about gays. Ideally, every voter should walk into the booth with a brain filled with torrid, sweaty, man-on-man action. Groping, bulging, groaning, rythmic slapping: that's the real decisive issue of the day.

Whether invading Iraq has allowed Al Queda time to get nukes or bubonic plague makes for an interesting conversation over coffee, but history won't remember that. The 21st century will be remembered as the decisive battle between God and the rectum-rooting, tounge-wrestling, deep-shafting ogries of sweating man-flesh etc. etc. etc.

That's what Jesus wants us to think about.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

ON BOYS OF UNDETERMINATE SEXUALITY:

As long as he knows how to smoke, spit, eat red meat, bully weird people, vote republican, and really, really hate gays, he's straight.

Just give him a cowbow hat and a shirt with a confederate flag on it and nobody will notice.

ON EPISCOPOLS:

A new bill, sponsored by state Sen. William C. Mims [R] from exurban Loudon County, would give religious congregations seceding from their denominations control over church buildings, even if that violates longstanding denominational arrangements governing church property.

Sp what, you say? Well, this means the government is helping our effort to pull Episcopal parishes into breakaway denominations in response to the ordination of a gay bishop in Jew Hampshire. The "wall between church and state" is finally being broken down, allowing the government to destroy religions it doesn't like! PRAISE JESUS!

The satan-worshipping Episcopal Church has consistently told potential break-away congregations they must be willing to leave behind their buildings if they refuse to maintain communion with their brethren. A wide array of state and federal courts, up to and including the U.S. Supreme Court, have upheld this position as a matter of simple property law. Mims' bill would give Virginia the rare distinction of becoming the first state to force a reorganization of a major religious denomination.

It's about time that governments realized the destruction of gay people overrides both the independence of churches and private property rights.

Those whose godly hatred rug-munchers and queers override their belief in the other tenets of the Episcopal Church will now be entitled to a nice little sectarian endowment in the form of property seized from the church they are repudiating, as a special gift from the Virginia Republican Party.

I suggest a quick trip to Virginia to see if any of these rebelling churches want to join Landover Baptist Church as franchises. That would be very profitable.

ON BIBLICAL HOMOS:

II Samuel 1:25,26 David speaking: "How are the mighty fallen in the midst of the battle! O Jonathan, thou wast slain in thine high places. I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women."

This issue is confusing me in many different ways. I've looked for different translations, and here are my findings:

EW! The New Living Translation is downright GRAPHIC:

Oh, how much I loved you! And your love for me was deep, deeper than the love of women!

Holman Christian Standard Bible makes it clear that our beloved David is mostly straight (just a little wiggly) and that it's Jonathan that's the odd one:

"Your love for me was more wonderful than the love of a woman [for me]."

Young's Literal Translation starts talking about pleasure:

"Very pleasant wast thou to me; Wonderful was thy love to me, Above the love of women!"

The Message avoids homosexuality, but instead says

"love far exceeding anything I've known--or ever hope to know."

Greater than Christ's love? I think not! See why True Christians™ use King James?

ON DENMARK:

I was in Libya scouting for possible investments when I started thinking about BAB and his courage and utterly selfless sacrifice of become in a missionary in the darkest pits of India. There he is, in the darkest den of iniquity outside San Fransisco itself, and here I am, enjoying myself in the company of people whose only sin is calling God "allah". Far better morals than most places in America.

To reap the benefits of Christianity without evangelizing is to give myself a free ride, I thought. So I decided that while I'm in the niebourhood, I should do some scouting for good places to spread the world of God. So I hatched a plan...

And like a fool, I rushed in. It was only by the most generous grace of God that I managed to survive the inferno I foolishly plunged into. I would like to allow myself to block out the memory, but on the other hand, the world must be warned. Obviously, you will want to remove all children and women from the room as you read my horrific, harrowing tale.

I decided to investigate Denmark. I figured, if it's possible to survive Bombay, how bad can a bunch of vikings be? How could I have been so stupid?

Denmark legalized Gay Marriage in 1989. That's right - to visit Denmark is to experience firsthand the effects of 15 YEARS of total moral catastrophe. Add this to the witches brew of socialist economic policy, explicit sex education, and an unwillingness to execute or even imprison criminals, and you might imagine what a nightmare the place is. Don't bother: not only is Denmark more horrible than you imagine, it is worse than you CAN imagine.

It was like jumping into a time machine and seeing what would happen if democrats win the elections in 2006.

My first impression of Copenhagen was the stench that assailed my nosrils the moment the I stepped out of my Learjet. In Denmark nobody bothers to bathe, shave or even cut their hair. People had set up a shantytown right next to the runway - some of them wearing stinking rags, most utterly naked, staring slack-jawed at me as if I were some sort of alien, urinating and defecating where they stood without even wiping.

I assumed that these barbarians were third worlders who tried to immigrate and got stuck at the airport. Their bodies were so dirty I optimistically assumed they were just your standard negros from darkest Africa.

I set off to find a taxi, but there were no vehicles. Of course, the environmentalists obviously banned them long ago. However, I could see buildings, so I set off on foot into the city.

It turned out that the buildings were nothing but scorched shells, a few standing walls after the insides were burned out. It seems that there has been a major disaster in Copenhagen which the liberal media has conveniently forgotten to tell us about. I saw large craters, from bombs or because God was raining down fire and brimstone, I could not tell. My sense of smell was completely shot at this point, (everything smelled like brimstone) so I could not research the craters further.

I found more savages. They were hiding in the ruins, crowding together in tribes of some sort, staring fearfully at me like many of those wild animals that were so much fun to hunt before the endangered species act ruined good clean fun. The savages engaged in casual sex in full view of the others. There were no couples, males simply copulated with the nearest oriface, male or female, mother or son, with less discrimination than the beasts in the fields.

When people die in Denmark the bodies just sit there in the street while hungry children and wild dogs drag out their intestines. There are

I can't go on. I simply can't describe the horrors I witnessed in that whirlpool of sin. I might be able to answer a question or two, but a proper narrative will simply break down because I was in such a shocked state I lost all sense of time.

All I can say is that we must NEVER make the mistake that Denmark made. When people warned that homosexuals, sex education, socialism, and liberalism in general would be the end of civilization, the Danes simply laughed. Now they are living proof that Pat Robertson speaks the truth:

"I have known few homosexuals who did not practice their tendencies. Such people are sinning against God and will lead to the ultimate destruction of the family and our nation. I am unalterably opposed to such things, and will do everything I can to restrict the freedom of these people..."

And it is your duty to help him!
http://www.chaletian.co.uk/books/books/lintons/savages.jpg[/url] It looks cute, doesn't it? In reality it isn't so pretty....
I thought that sticking heads on spears was more of a Canadian thing, what with all the cannibal eskimos and such.

Anyway, I've found there's a way I can make the best of a bad situation: I have been hired as guest speaker at Abstinence-Only Sex education classes, teaching young tykes all about what the liberal media won't mention about Europe. Thanks to George, the government funding for these classes make them very profitable.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

MOVIE REVIEW: THE INCREDIBLES:

Incredible is the perfect word for this movie. Incredibly immoral, incredibly deviant, incredibly unAmerican.

The story is about a family of superheros. Now, any properly raised Christian (the few of them left) should at this point say "what the heck is a superhero?" Good question, I say.

Superheros began with perverted Canadian paving the way for gay marriage by drawing pictures of men in their underwear and selling them to children. As if that's not enough, he gave his "superman" magic powers. That's right, Superman doesn't pray for the ability to run as fast as a speeding bullet. And there's a word for people who gain miraculous powers without praying for them: witches.

Superman was followed by a serious of other exibitionist witches, also Jewish: Batman, Spiderman, etc. During the McCarthy era, the horrible truth about comics and superheros became well known, but permissive liberals decided to be "tolerant" of this printed form of Gomorra.

Notice how many Hollywood movies are based on superhero comics. Degenerates of a feather flock together. With all of this deviant unAmericanism involved with superheros, it was obviously only a matter of time until Disney decided to join in.

The story begins by interducing the characters. First, the mother. She's stretchy and flexible. Many of the movies's jokes are based on this. Her husband is big. The family friend is black. You can guess what sort of perverted jokes they make about that. This harlot does more bending and stretching in one movie than most porn starlets do in entire careers.

The daughter has the ability to become invisible. She used this ability to spy on a boy she likes. While he goes to the bathroom. The creators of the incedibles brag about how lifelike and realistic their characters are, but they did not have to show it off to this extent! Typical hollywood perversion!

The son is fast. Yes, a young man who is fast. Just when you thought the liberals in hollywood had run out of premature ejaculation jokes, they pump out more in no time at all.

And of course, this being Hollywood, there has to be a negro. His superpower is ice. Yes, once again Hollywood is claiming that darkies are "cool". So when your kids end up on drugs and welfare, doing nothing but eating watermelon and stealing hubcaps, it's not your fault as a parent. It's Hollywood's fault.

I bet now you're saying, "wait - where's the homosexual? Hollywood always has a homo in every movie! Did they forget?" Sadly though, they have not. A major character is an androdenous fasion designer.

As for the actual plot, I could not make very much sense of it. First of all it moved too fast, like the immoral sludge on MTV. Secondly I kept having to cover my eyes at moments where it became obvious that nudity or graphic sex was about to appear on the screen. All I could gather is that this so-called family does not go to church, in fact, they did not even mention God at any point. The father allowed "family" members to talk back, never paddling or even spanking anyone.

The end of the movie says it all. After a typical act of unGodly magic, a child yells "That was WICKED!"

Wicked indeed. If your children ask to watch this movie, remember to hit them using the metal part of the belt.

Wanton violence:

-None Noted

Impudence/Hate:

- Lack of obedience among wife and children, insolence completely unpunished.

Sexual Immorality:

- I lost track of how many times I had to cover my eyes to avoid nudity and sex
- Constand barrage of perverted "humor"

Drugs/Alcohol:

- Jungles containing plants resembling hemp

Offense to God:

- Family are Athiests.
- Teen girl with hair dyed black

Murder/Suicide:

-None Noted

ON JOHN 3:16:

"Do people know the year Jesus was born, and what year he died?"

He isn't dead. He was only gone 3 days. John 3:16 For God so loved the world he sent his only begotten son away for the weekend.

"So why would Jesus support an execution?"

If it's a Jew, revenge. Any more questions, or should we skip straight to your tithing schedual?

ON PRAYER:

It says in the Bible that you are supposed to pray loudly in public, it even recommends sounding trumpets before you pray. People who pray silently in private are called hypocrites. It's in the Bible, read it.

ON BOOK BURNING:

Here is my current source for books needing to be banned. I'll start with the list from Banned in the U.S.A. by Herbert N. Foerstel. It list the fifty books that were most frequently challenged in schools and public libraries in the United States between 1990 and 1992.

Needless to say this is list is obsolete because a lot of immoral sludge has been published since 1992, Harry Potter comes to mind. Is there a more up-to-date list of the world's most burn-worthy books?

If not, this is still a very good list, covering books glorifying poor/lazy people (both Stienbeck books), books by liberals (The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood), books glorifying scientists (A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle), books that might convince children of lesbians not to commit suicide (Heather Has Two Mommies), and books by authors who don't like war (Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut ).

Impressions Edited by Jack Booth et al.
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
More Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
The Witches by Roald Dahl
Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite
Curses, Hexes, and Spells by Daniel Cohen
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
Blubber by Judy Blume
Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
Christine by Stephen King
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
Fallen Angels by Walter Myers
The New Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman
Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Snyder
Night Chills by Dean Koontz
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
A Separate Peace by John Knowles
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks
The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Snyder
My Brother Sam Is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
Cujo by Stephen King
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
Grendel by John Champlin Gardner
I Have to Go by Robert Munsch
Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
My House by Nikki Giovanni
Then Again, Maybe I Won't by Judy Blume
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween Symbols by Edna Barth
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz

Here are some more burn-worthy books:

The Associated Press reported in March 1996 that Merrimack, NH schools had pulled Shakespeare's Twelfth Night from the curriculum after the school board passed a "prohibition of alternative lifestyle instruction" act. (Twelfth Night contains a scene where a young woman disguises herself as a boy.)

An illustrated edition of "Little Red Riding Hood" was banned in two school districts in 1989 because the book shows the heroine taking food and wine to her grandmother. The school districts cited concerns about the use of alcohol in the story.

Ulysses by James Joyce was selected by the Modern Library as the best novel of the 20th century by secular liberal commies. Ulysses was barred from the United States as obscene for 15 years.

Thomas Paine, best known for his writings supporting American independence, may sound innocent, but he also wrote The Age of Reason, where Paine argues for Deism and against Christianity. Therefore all Thomas Paine writings are "flammable".

In 1930, U.S. Customs seized Harvard-bound copies of Candide, Voltaire's critically hailed literal scripture, on the grounds of obscenity.

Aristophanes' Lysistrata, Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, Boccaccio's Decameron, Defoe's Moll Flanders, and various editions of The Arabian Nights were all banned for decades from the U.S. mails under the Comstock Law of 1873. Officially known as the Federal Anti-Obscenity Act, this law banned the mailing of "lewd", "indecent", "filthy", or "obscene" materials. The Comstock laws, while not currently enforced, remain for the most part on the books today. We'll make use of these laws once we win the elections in 2006.Tthe Telecommunications Reform Bill of 1996 even specifically applied some of them to computer networks.

The Comstock law also forbade distribution of birth control information. In 1915, Margaret Sanger's husband was jailed for distributing her Family Limitation, which described and advocated various methods of contraception.

Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman's famous collection of poetry, was withdrawn in Boston in 1881, after the District Attorney threatened criminal prosecution.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau's autobiography Confessions was banned by U.S. Customs in 1929 as injurious to public morality.

The Savannah Morning News reported in November 1999 that a teacher at the Windsor Forest High School required seniors to obtain permission slips before they could read Hamlet, Macbeth, or King Lear.

South Africa's Godly apartheid government banned a number of classic books; in 1955, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein was banned there as "indecent, objectionable, or obscene". At one time, they also banned Anna Sewell's Black Beauty.

That's the list for now. See yall at Sunday book burning, 9:00pm sharp!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

ON COMMUTING:

It is those materialistic, over-paid sweating-class types who keep refusing to tithe, I have noticed.

THEY are the ones who have imperverished our church. Can you believe that our pastors still have to be driven to the airport? In CARS? On bumpy government highways, right alongside common sinners, welfare queens, and liberals? Driving past serial-killer hitchhickers, having to dogde drug-addicted drivers like Rodney King, stopping at the same gas stations frequented by hobos and similar classes?

This situation is intolerable!

I was doing my weakly shopping on my favorite website, Luxury Lifestyle, when I came across the answer, which hit me like a revelation:

http://www.luxurylifestyle.com/articles/140mph.cfm

Isn't it wonderful? Our fearless business leaders are always coming up with innovative solutions to the world's problems: "It seems nowadays that, for those of us who work in big cities, we spend most of the time outside it, on the motorways. Everyone is aware of the congestion problem that haunts us on the way to our jobs, but what are we to do?"

Yes, God put the business community on top because they're more moral than everyone else. Leave it to them to stand up against the suffering caused by "Breathing in those poisonous fumes on your way through the city..."

So what ingenious solution have they come up with?

Helicopters.

That's right, Helicopters!

Why?

First of all, humanity benefits because "you have the enviable position of laughing at all your other colleagues stuck in jams while you rush past at 100mph."

"They’re not much bigger than an SUV, they don’t cost much more..." which means even the laziest of our brethen has no excuse to share the road with sinners.

Best of all, think of what the cities of the future will look like:

Right now suburbs are designed to be unlivable to undesirables who can't afford to to drive, they don't even have sidewalks, God bless. I dream of a future where you can't do anything if you don't fly, and there's no roads at all.

This is the best solution to traffic and pollution, forget freakish new energy courses or communistic public transit

And let's not forget that a helicopter is " ...enviable. Leather upholstery, tinted windows, they’ve got it all...having one of these outside your house looks pretty good indeed."

I want another tax cut NOW!

ON FREEMASONS:

What is with this mason thing you keep talking about, lib? I don't associate with masons or any sweating-class types, that's why I have more than one house, so I can go to another one when renovations are needed. I learned that the hard way when my third wife engaged in unmentionable behavior with one of those blue-collar bums, probably a mason. I know because she gave birth to a retard and retards don't run in my family.

ON LOVE:

She should be pregnant with fresh souls for Jesus all of that time or else you're no better than a birth-control user. Just remember, this isn't about "amor" (Isn't that a Fr*nch word?) it's about making more Christian soldiers, for Christ.

A Christian man may look at his wife's eyes, but the wife has to look down. A woman is not to make eye contact with a man. As for hand holding, of course not! What's next, kite flying on the premesis?

If only someone could invent a form of arificial fertilization that couldn't ever be used for stem cell research, then we could put all this courtship nonsense behind us. God wanted Christopher Reed dead you stupid libs, DEAL WITH IT!

ON CHILD REARING:

Anyway, I usually use a can of mace (leaves no evidence) in the middle of the night (surprise makes it hurt more) and I don't care what some juditial activist or evil lawyer thinks.

ON GUN-CONTROL AT THE 2005 INAGURATION:

As the NRA has proven time and time again, the more guns and grenades around you, the safer you are. I for one can't stand the idea of leaving security up to the government! That's called socialism, and if you like that, go to North Korea!

I for one and BOYCOTTING this poorly-organized inauguration. This is quite a sacrifice to make, it means I won't be able to be in the precence of of George until fundraising starts for the 2008 election (several months).

ON ONIONS:

I don't actually like onions - I try to only consume beef and beer - but I ask my wife to chop onions anyways just because I love to see tears on her cheecks. Dribble dribble dribble. So cute.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

ON STRIPPERS:

I have found that the safest way to go about converting strippers is to separate them from the rabble that is constantly egging them on to commit even lewder acts. It takes peace and quiet for them to hear the voice of the LORD. Hiring them for a private lap-dance is the best way to go about this.

ON TEENAGERS:

Oh, the fun of talking to idealistic kids. Heck, when I was a kid, my political views must have seen nieve and impossible: have fundamentalists dominate government, re-start the crusades, write an act of some type overruling the bill of rights, put a Dynasty of the White House....

But God listened to my prayers and here we are!

You libs make this really easy for us. Always dreaming and squabbling and studying all your books....And you know what the funniest thing is? I merely find you guys amusing, but the guys I pay below minimum wage HATE you!

ON THE CRUSADES:

The first wave of Crusades (the pre-9/11 ones) were a miserable failure. Other than a few Crusader States which were eventually lost, there were no gains, just losses. I blame frenchies and their chivilary.

Now Vlad the Impaler - there's a guy who knows how to fight a war.

ON DEMOLITION DERBY:

You know, every time I go lobbying in Washington I look at the mall and think "what a perfect place for a NASCAR track". Or maybe a drag race, I don't know the exact measurments. The Elipse would be a great place for a huge demolition derby, but the Washington Monument would have to go (the thing is rather obsene anyway). I don't mind tearing down the Smithsonian or that new injun museam, but leave the WW2 memorial, it uses my favorite style of archetecture.

ON THE ENEMY:

The hatred and intolerence of the homosexual/babykiller agenda is unspeakable. Every year less homosexuals commit suicide, meaning more oral sex, more democrats, and more disasters as God has to kill off more and more sinners.

Once we've converted a few million of the Talibanians we need to put them in charge of schools. They know how to deal with epidemics of this type.

ON REASON:

“Reason should be destroyed in all Christians.”

- Martin Luther, true founder of Protestant Christianity

Clearly it is all this reasoning and thinking that has worn down your brain and made it a soft and cushy den for SATAN.

WHAT I'M DOING NOW:

Anyway, the point is that we can't contradict the bible, but we're free to add our own stuff. I mean, the bible doesn't mention abortion or estate taxes, but the way I see it if a republican says something and God doesn't interupt to correct him the republican must be speaking God's word.

ON SEX EDUCATION:

Children need to be warned about hairy-palm syndrome, as well as the hundreds of other harmful symptoms caused by self-touching. Did you know that 84% of illnesses are caused by touching oneself? For example, liberal feminist doctors have invented so-called "bulemia" and "anorexia" which are actually caused by deliberately or accidentally rubbing against pillows. Why there is not yet a ban on children useing pillows is a mystery to me. Those things are just too tempting.

I have been noticing how many children are prescribed Prozac and Ritalin and such and this has got me thinking - isn't it about time we start prescribing drugs to reduce the sex urge? I mean, what is wrong with this nation if we can put a man on the moon but we can't force kids to take drugs?

There is a class of drugs called "chemical castrators" which have all the effect of having the sin-sack removed, though the part in question will still be effective in time to impregnate a wife. (Once the wife is pregnant, the man must then take the pill again. The woman, of course, takes these pills all the time.)

I'm sure some communist "consumer advocates" will make up lies and propaganda about "side-effects" but it's a proven fact that 87% of drug "side-effects" are actually symptoms of self-touching.

ON ROBOTS:

I've just done some research and it turns out there's no such thing as robots. All those things in movies and TV shows are actually nothing but mutated little midgets inside weird costumes. Just goes to show how fraudulent "scientists" are and how many lies are in the liberal media and hollywood.

The only real thing that comes close to robots are golems, which are the result of Jewish witchcraft. Hardly the sort of thing we tolerate 'round here!




ON PAGAN BUILDINGS:

The movement to eliminate pagan buildings like those Greek-heathen temple-like things in Washington...Whatever happened to that movement? I remember first it got watered down, focusing on stopping constuction of new pagan-style buildings, and then they stopped returning my calls. It's time to restart that movement! We don't need Washington at all, a better capital would be in the heartland, or better yet, Crawford Texas.

ON NOSTRADAMUS:

I LOVE that stuff! It's just like the book of revelations: not only can you interpret it to mean whatever the heck you want, you can even make up your own quotes and nobody will know you did! Remember how Notsie supposedly predicted 9/11? It turned out that quote was made up, but everyone believed it anyway.

I make up "revelations quotes" on the spot all the time when dealing with my Catholic labor force. That and the threat of calling the INS, of course.

Hey, I've got an idea: a contest! Ten million bonus points to whoever comes up with the best interpretation of this:
"A great leader will arise
Gold to the left and on the right
Clouds obscure the moon.
What was built falls in this year."

ON GAMBLING:

Thanks to Pat Robertson and his Family Channel, there is a Christian alternative to gambling. In fact, it's such a good alternative that it's basically identical to gambling - only it's not.

For only $4.98 you get a 1 in 10,000 chance of winning a prize, but only if you answer ALL five questions correctly. However, since Jesus is on your side, the odds will be far better than it sounds. If you pray before you play, the odds are more like 50/50.

There is no need for slot machines when the "games" can come into your home via TV.

The Family Channel boasts to cable operators that their new phone game is a great way to make big-bucks without the charges appearing on the cable bill. You see, it's an alternative to pay-per-view. It's more attractive to cable operators because the bucks are charges to the phone bill, NOT their cable bill. Cable companies still get 30% of the take however.

The game airs daily on The Family Channel from 11:30 AM-2 PM ET/PT. The Trivial Pursuit phone game runs 10 times daily, between reruns of Crosswits, The $100,000 Name That Tune and a TV version of Trivial Pursuit.

ON GOOD AND EVIL:

What's good and benevolent is whatever God does. When God changes the course of a cluster bomb aimed at a tank, and makes it hit a hospital instead, blowing up little kids and pregnant women until their little bits and pieces stick to the walls and ceiling like so much sloppy bubble gum, then blowing up children is good and benevolent.

ON MOTHERHOOD:

Only something as Godly as a man would be capable of creating life. It is MAN, the creator, who creates the seed, and the woman is just a heap of dirt where the seed grows. Just imagine what a mess humans would be if women had anything to do with making them - just look at how they drive, or when they try to do math, or worse, how they VOTE.

If I was Adam in the Garden of Eden, I'd ask for my rib back!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

ON THE FUTURE:

Next time you meet some pansy John 3:16 type, challenge him to a contest of faith. Ask him if he believes the apocalypse will come in his lifetime. When he says he belives it, tell him to prove it.

We are the generation that will see the apocalypse. So why don't we act like it for once? Thinking of the "future" is a denial of the Bible, an insult - an adomnation - to God.

Who cares about the national debt? The apocalypse means we'll never have to pay any of it back! Borrowing is a license to print money!

If you ACTUALLY believe in Jesus, take out as big a bank loan as possible and give it to Landover Baptist church and/or the Republican Party. Quit your jobs and become a full-time missionary or Republican Party activist. You can live off your credit card: Visa headquarters is going to be nothing but dust soon according to the Bible.

I'm sure you've already taken your kids out of public school, but who needs school or training at all? Why train someone for working, when there will be no toil in the kingdom of Jesus. I'm sure once the liberal threat is neutralized once and for all the Bush administration will eliminate all universities, schools and training other than prayer practice.

Don't listen to Godless hippies who tell you to eat healthy and exersize and other nonsense. You'll be raptured away from your body soon enough. I eat a plateful of lard-fried meat-fed bacon dipped in fondue every morning after my smoke not because it tastes good, but as a proof of faith.

Feel free to make enemies of anyone you like. Let them plot their revenge. Odds are God will get his revenge on them before they get theirs on you. This is the same as the ingenious foreign affairs strategy used by the Bush administration.

Forget about national parks, museums, old buildings, and other attempts to conserve what will be destroyed very soon. Consider it a pilgrimage to visit the Redwoods on a dry day while chain-smoking. I think we should melt down the liberty bell and cast a statue of Reagan out of it, and anyone who doesn't is an enemy of God.

Bring your sci-fi books to next Sunday's book burning. Talk of the "future" is a denial of the Bible. Science, technology, research and development, all of these are antiChristian and therefore unAmerican. When I hear about high-tech jobs moving to India, I praise Jesus.

Don't ever tolerate Democrats and their "Children are the future" nonsense. THERE IS NO FUTURE.

I laugh at the arrogant generations before us who misread to bible to convince themselves that THEY would have the rapture. They did this especially in the first generation, around 666 AD, 1000AD, and of course 2000 AD which has come and gone. Every generation other than ours has lied about the Bible, claiming that it was their apocalypse. Well guess what, sinners? It's OUR apocalypse! OURS! We get to live through what you guys could only dream about! You'll have to watch OUR apocalypse from the back-row seats - in HELL!

The idiocy of the earlier generations is that they didn't understand that it's our job to get the apocalypse started...

Ask any Christian and they'll tell you that the apocalypse is coming in this generation, and they'll have plenty of evidence (Babylon has fallen, for example, John Kerry the antichrist is here, etc.) to back it up.

Education, savings, conservation in any form is denial of the Biblical truth that the rapture is coming within our lifetimes. Most of our converts since the Tsunami (also in Revelations) have quit their jobs, taken out bank loans to donate to the church, and are living off credit cards, because they will soon be raptured away while all of their earthly debts will be "Left Behind".

That reminds me, you really should read _Left Behind_. Then go to a bank.

ON HUMBLENESS:

Why are you big-city elitists always looking down your noses at us here in "fly-over-land" anyway? Just because we don't come from Jew York or Hollywood you think we're just dirt. We're humble folk. You got that? HUMBLE. We're a million times humbler than you losers in your cities. We're REAL AMERICANS, and you Boston coastal types are NOT. You should be bowing down to us humble folk who built this nation.

We do not use accents, this is the TRUE way to speak english, not your pansy Boston/Frisco accents. We are the TRUE nation, the TRUE language, the TRUE church, and if you don't like it, you can kiss my humble hiney.

ON STONEHENGE:

That reminds me, has anyone gotten around to "neutralizing" that heathen contraption? There's a lot of theories as to what the thing actually does, but whatever it does, it has to bad. The thing is pagan, after all.

There are lots pagan monoliths and such around Europe, maybe that's why it's such a socialist hellhole. Good thing a lot of them were destroyed in the middle ages or who knows what the place would be like today.

Same thing with Egypt: there's a lot of ideas as to what sort of witcraft the Pyramids are designed to do, but seeing as they were made by people who worshipped CATS, I think we should be considering those things to be spiritual WMD.

I heard the most bizarre story the other day, regarding pagan monuments on Easter Island.

When the first christians arrived on Easter island, they found a wasteland of an island with starving barbarians sitting at the base of massive solid stone monuments. When asked how the monuments got there, the barbarians said that they simply walked there.

That makes perfect sense - the pagans created these golems (jewish witchcraft can do the same thing) and God punished them for it, destroying their civilization and laying waste to the land.

But the eco-terrorists are trying to rewrite history now. They claim that the islanders civilization was destroyed because of cutting down trees. Gimme a break. Everyone knows trees cause more pollution than cars, Ronald Reagan told us that.

ON BORN AGAIN BOB GOING TO INDIA:

You are THE bravest man I have ever met. I'm sure you're aware that you are close to "Bollywood", which makes hollywood look like wholesome entertainment by comparism. I mean, your average Bollywood movie is worse than Sex Trek: The Next Penetration, worse than Horny Potter and Her Chamber of Secrets (and I don't recall if that one is even legal), about the same as Wizard of O's and Gay Rectal Rooter #3 in fact, the only movies worse than a Bollywood movie would be Gay Starfish Worship 5 through 9, though even #8 is iffy IMO.

They are inspired by the Karma Suitra, a book with positions that make oral sex look almost morally tolerable by comparism.

As for a name? How about BEEFY'S BURGER BARN! FREE JUICY BACON QUADBURGER WITH EVERY CONVERSION! You don't need to actually give them the burger, because by the time they've converted they will know about the virtues of humbleness and simplicity and voluntary poverty and donating everything to their "Guru" (you).

Have fun, I heard there's a real "flexiable" labor-force there! (If you don't get the pun, check out the Karma Suitra, especially page 12)

ON FAST FOOD:

Fast food is as American as deep-fried apple pie at McDonalds (Ba ba ba ba ba, i'm lovin' it!).

Slow food is treason. I used to make burgers before the communists in the government persecuted me out of business. Everybody who ate my food was healthy, nobody ever got sick. Ever. Ever. And I was breaking all of the government red tape, using green meat, slimey stuff, stuff from the dumpsters behind other restaurants, Humane Society cats and dogs, roadkill, people who donated their bodies to science - and nobody ever got sick, ever. A lot of people masterbated and suffered symptoms as a result, so a bunch of people who touched themselves and got a tummy-ache tried to sue. Good thing I know some good lawyers, better thing Bush has introduced tort reform.

ON FOOD POISONING:

Sick in what way? If it's hairy fingers or "food poisoning" that means you've been touching yourself in innapropriate ways. As proven in a court of law. See Alabama Supreme Court, 4th Ave Elementary VS Thurmond.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

ON CATS:

I hope someday we can ban cats. Have you ever seen then "wash" themselves? When a cat dies, don't tell a kid it's in kitty heaven, because there's no such thing, only a kitty HELL. Perverts with rough tounges, that's what cats are.

ON UNSAVED TRASH SHOWING UP WITH A MILLION QUESTIONS:

#1 Why do you hate America?
#2 Why do you hate America?
#3 Why do you hate America?
#4 Why do you hate America?

ON LAURA BUSH AND FIRST WIVES:

"And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart” (1 Kings 11:1-3).

By the way, when do we hurry up and present George W Bush with his 700 wives and 300 concubines? Or do we have to wait until after he's re-re-elected in 2008? (Can you tell I'm getting just a little impatient?)

ON ZOOLOGY:

How to test if a scientist is telling the truth.

Brothers, in this age of the agenda-oriented scientific community, with their absurd theories about "evolution" and "gay genes" and "sex education working" and "contraception resulting in less abortions" etc. etc. etc. on and on, it gets hard to find people who are not just repeating democratic party talking points, and it gets nearly impossible to find scientists who are actually looking for the truth.

Well, here is our answer, our way to separate the wheat from the chaff, to separate the real scientists from the Christian-hating nazi bigots.

TEST

Question #1: Do you believe in dragons?

A. No. Those only exist in fairy tales and fantasy books.
B. Unless you mean dinosaurs or big lizards on the galapogos islands, no.
C. Of course Dragons exist, and we know all about them, from the sound of their voice, to how they eat, to their color and the habitats where they live.

Question #2: Do you believe in Unicorns?

A. No. Only little girls believe in those.
B. Yes, we know about their agility and their magic horns, which they sometimes have two of.

Question #3: Do you believe in Giants?

A. Some people grow big, but there's no such thing as a race of giants.
B. Yes, we can pinpoint the Valley Of The Giants on a map, in fact we even know who their king was.

Question #3: Do you believe in magic spells?

A. Of course not. That's only fairy tales and video games.
B. Spells are nothing but the placebo effect in action.
C. Yes, with spells one can do many things, including talking to the dead and even controlling entire empires.

Answers:

Question #1: Do you believe in dragons?

Correct answer: Of course Dragons exist, and we know all about them, from the sound of their voice, to how they eat, to their color and the habitats where they live.

http://www.biblegateway.com/topical/topica...urce=2&tid=7704

On Dragons:

Often of a red colour (Revelations 12:3)
Its mournful voice alluded to (Micah 1:8)
Its wailing alluded to (Micah 1:8)
Its snuffing up the air alluded to (Jeremiah 14:6)
Its swallowing of its prey alluded to (Jeremiah 51:34)
A species of, in rivers (Psalms 74:13; Isaiah 27:1)
Of the devil . (Poison of,) of wine (Deuteronomy 32:33)
DESCRIBED AS » Powerful (Revelations 12:4)
DESCRIBED AS » Poisonous (Deuteronomy 32:33)
DESCRIBED AS » Of solitary habits (Job 30:29)
FOUND IN » The wilderness (Malachi 1:3)
FOUND IN » Deserted cities (Isaiah 13:22; Jeremiah 9:11)
FOUND IN » Dry places (Isaiah 34:13;43:20)
ILLUSTRATIVE » Of cruel and persecuting kings (Isaiah 27:1;51:9; Ezekiel 29:3)
ILLUSTRATIVE » Of enemies of the church (Psalms 9:13)
ILLUSTRATIVE » Of wicked men (Psalms 44:19)
ILLUSTRATIVE » Of the devil (Revelations 13:2;20:2,7)

Question #2: Do you believe in Unicorns?

Correct answer: Yes, we know about their agility and their magic horns, which they sometimes have two of.

http://www.biblegateway.com/topical/topica...urce=2&tid=8128

Sometimes found with two horns (Deuteronomy 33:17)
Of the wicked . (Horns of,) of the strength of the descendants of Joseph (Deuteronomy 33:17)
Of the wicked . (Horns of,) of the strength of the descendants of Joseph . (Horns of,) of the strength of powerful enemies (Psalms 22:21)
The young of, remarkable for agility (Psalms 29:6)
Generally had a single horn (Psalms 92:10)
Of the wicked . (Horns of,) of the strength of the descendants of Joseph . (Horns of,) of the strength of powerful enemies . (The position of its horns,) of the exaltation of saints (Psalms 92:10)
DESCRIBED AS » Intractable in disposition (Job 39:9,10,12)
DESCRIBED AS » Of vast strength (Job 39:11)
ILLUSTRATIVE » Of God as the strength of Israel (Numbers 23:22;24:8)
ILLUSTRATIVE » Of the wicked (Isaiah 34:7)

Question #3: Do you believe in Giants?

Correct answer: Yes, in fact we even know who there king was, and where they lived.

http://www.biblegateway.com/topical/topica...urce=2&tid=8015

The last of, destroyed by David and his warriors (1 Samuel 17:4,49,50; 2 Samuel 21:15-22)
Subdued by Chedorlaomer (Genesis 14:5)
Og the king of Bashan was of (Joshua 13:12)
Dwelt in Canaan (Joshua 17:15)
THE VALLEY OF » A border of Judah (Joshua 15:8)
THE VALLEY OF » Was exceedingly fruitful (Isaiah 17:5)
THE VALLEY OF » David obtained victories over the Philistines in (2 Samuel 5:18,25)

Question #3: Do you believe in magic spells?

Correct Answer: Yes, with spells one can do many things, including talking to the dead and even controlling entire empires.

Deuteronomy 18:11
"...or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead."

Isaiah 47:9
"Both of these will overtake you in a moment, on a single day: loss of children and widowhood. They will come upon you in full measure,
in spite of your many sorceries and all your potent spells."

Isaiah 47:12
"Keep on, then, with your magic spells and with your many sorceries, which you have labored at since childhood."

Micah 5:12
"I will destroy your witchcraft and you will no longer cast spells."

Revelation 18:23

"By your magic spell all the nations were led astray."

There we have it. Anyone who ridicules belief in dragons, magic spells, giants, and unicorns, is commiting a HATE CRIME.

By skillfully asking scientists, professors, teachers, doctors, if they believe in unicorns, we can root out these hate-criminals and have them dismissed from their jobs to prevent them from spreading their poison.

We make children recite "one nation under God", but that's not doing enough to prevent the spread of sinfullness, thus I suggest "One nation under God that believes in unicorns". Any student who giggles can thus be expelled.

Same with holding the hand over a Bible in court. There is still far too much crime in this nation. It should be "I swear to tell the truth [etc] So help me God, and I believe in Unicorns." Being in a court, it will be easy enough to have the defendant hooked up to a lie detector when they say this. Anyone who can't pass that test obviously has no morals, and is therefore clearly guilty.

ON BEATING CHILDREN WITH THE METAL PART OF THE BELT:

You would let YOUR children burn in hell forever while demons slowly peel their skin off and gouge out their eyeballs and pour boiling feces down their throat - and you call US sick? Look what you're doing to YOUR children!

Bruises heal. Why do you think God gave children a separate set of teeth? Because God wants us to give 'em the back of our hands once in a while, sometimes hard enough to knock out a tooth.

(This and thousands of other facts can be learned at the many schools recieving Abstinence-Only Sex Education under Landover Baptist Church's new government contract.)

ON LOCAL WISDOM:

I'm not from Iowa (though "officially" a few hundred of me live there during the election primaries) but in my family the saying either goes "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen because that's a woman's place", or, if you're talking to a woman, "If you can't stand the heat of the kitchen, you're a lesbian and I'm getting a divorce." It depends on which of fathers was saying it.

ON THE QUESTION OF WHETHER WOMEN HAVE SOULS:

Women probably don't have souls, but I hope dearly that they do. Much of the enjoyment of my life is imagining how my ex-wives will feel as they fall into the fit of eternal fire and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn nd burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and brn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burnand burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and buurn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burnand burn andd burn and burrn and bunr and burn and burn and burn and burn and ubrn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burn and burnn and burn and burn and burn and burn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111

That and of course the homosexuals who have made a mokery of marriage, I also hate them truely passionately, the way they want to shove their agenda down childrens throats, always parading in their pride parades all sweaty in their cowboy outfits, with those tight pants of theirs, shaking rythmically to the pumping music, it really gets my blood pressure up. Oh you like being so hot and sweaty just see how hot and sweaty you are as you writhe rythmically in the fires of hell, yeah the flames will lick your tight buttocks and the blood will spurt out of you as your face contorts as you burn adn burn and burn and burn adn burn adn butnr and burn and burn adunr1111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!

ON INCUBI:

Catholics make me sick. My fifth wife was a catholic. When an incubus molested our daughter and her friends during a sleepover she acted as if it was my fault. Way to show gratitude, I stayed up all night beside them with my m16 to catch those demons while all that lazy dumbocrat did was sleep. Then she has the nerve to blame ME?

Beware of these the incubus, they can ruin your marriage almost as badly as homosexuals in San Fransisco can:

http://www.jesus-is-lord.com/incubus.htm

http://www.logoschristian.org/stop/

(Especially important is #6)

http://www.demonbuster.com/incubus.html

ON WOMAN'S WORK:

Most of my spankings are "outsourced" to older siblings for training purposes. Other than spanking, cooking and cleaning, what else does a parent do? Well, the mother cooks, but I only eat beef and beer so none of my wives have ever done a real days work. My sixth wife was the only one with any real skills but not in any sort of profession a Christian would value.

ON JERRY SPRINGER:

I was on two episodes of the Jerry SINNER show, episode #320 My Dad is in the Klan and #132 Abusive Husband on Drugs. Being on that show is like being in some sort of Cuban gulag, I was just about to put a chair through my fourth wife's head when one of his stormtrooper bodyguards pulled us apart. The crowd has shouting Jerry! Jerry! But he wasn't doing anything to set that sinning harlot right, he was just standing there! While that sinful woman disobeyed me!

ON THE TSUNAMI:

And why do all these Tsunamis happen to Asians who reject Jesus? Have you ever heard of a Tsunami in Kansas or Utah or any other God-fearing places? (Let alone Freehold Iowa!)
You dodged the question faster than John Kerry dodging the draft. I gave you a clear question: name a single time a Tsunami has struck in god-fearing Kansas or Utah. Come on. We're waiting.
Perhaps my computer has a virus/demon and I need to update my antivirus/antidemon software, but all I got was a map of the world with those "fault lines" that the agenda oriented scientific community has invented.

Notice that these so called "fault lines" only pass under where sinners live. Yes, this "continental drift" theory is just an attempt to hide the fact that God sends Tsunamis and earthquakes after sinners, and leaves his god-fearing flock alone. Notice sin-filled dens of iniquity like San Fransisco and Hollywood are on these so called "fault lines" - once God sends his wrath (as he did to Frisco back in 1905) the scientists will try to divert attention from the sin that caused the quake, blaming some "tectonic plate" or other nonsense. The only plate I believe in is the one filled with hot beef and cold beer served by the missus when I get home from my business trip, dammit!

I suppose next you'll talk about tornadoes in Oklahoma and such, but those don't kill 100,000 people, he just sends those to test our faith. Notice that whenever a survivor is on the news after a tornado it's always a true believer who can thank god for killing someone other than him.

ON THE TREASURES OF THE VATICAN:

The papists may be greedy, but on one hand I'm glad they at least horde it instead of using it to reward sloth and gluttony like the government does.

I mean, if you pay somebody to be disabled, why should you be surprised if other people drive carelessly? If they crash, they'll get to become independently wealthy and be a burden on everyone else's backs.

Same with widows, if you harlots had done of better job of taking care of your husbands they would not have died.

On the other hand, we're talking about Catholics, and I wouldn't be surprised if the Vatican had a WMD program hidden away somewhere. It sure would be fun liberating the Vatican of its possetions (as well as censoring the disgusting pornographic paintings that are all over the walls and ceilings of that babylon).

ON LIBERALS RE: THE AFTERLIFE:

Pack your burn lotion.

ON KINDERGARTEN:

The libs start the brainwashing right at kindergarten. The first thing they do is talk about "sharing". Same thing with their Sesame Street: always talking about "sharing". SHARING? That's not in the ten commandments! That's communism!

Is it a coincidence that the central tenant of secular kindergarten and sesame street is the same central tenant as COMMUNISM?

ON THE MALE ORGAN:

It is a well-known fact that liberalism and other sins are corelated to the size of a man's member. We all know about the monsterous organ possessed by the negroid species, but not so well-known is the arab genetalia, and most freakish of all is their combination, the Arab Sudanese (Both negro AND arab). The Sudanese Arabs actually invented "jelqing", a method of enlarging the organ, and thus their sin. (Various island cannibals also invented the use of weights to stretch their members to their ankles, but this makes the object in question inneffective, which is fine by me.)

The liberals, with their multicultural obsession, have caught on and now even have forums where the filthy sinners can compare their results, and thus see who is the most sinful.

The incubus, an incarnation of evil straight from hell, has the largest organ of all. It is more like a tentacle, for a while during adolescence I was tormented by a homosexual incubus who could thrust all the way through my digestive system and up into my mouth. The Japanese know all about the incubus, they make animated films about them in which schoolgirls are tormented by the tentacles of the incubus. What a savage, insolent race, to know about the horrors of satan's demons, yet still turn away from CHRIST as he is tormented on the cross!

Hollywood's smut movies are obsessed with large members, hollywood comedies find organs of a deformed size to be humorous, but true believers know that "size matters" in that smaller is better. God intended the penis to plant seed and nothing else - you don't need much at all to do that job. Most animals have tiny ones, in fact, it is the sinful human body that has the largest penis-to-body size ratio.

The sexual act is not for pleasure, it is for making more soldiers and more wives to take care of soldiers, the act is for patriotic and not pleasurable reasons. Godly women know to lie back and think of America. Godly men should be asleep within 3 minutes of penetration. Idealy women should be married at puberty and be constantly pregnant until menopause. Liberals invented infernal devices such as "birth control" (which is meant to be controlled by the LORD) clearly because they wish to engage in sex as if it was some form of entertainment. (The negroid, on the other hand, has a large member for the purpose of inflicting pain.)

The fact that Kinsey and all of the filthy scientists have not dared to make a study measuring political views to penis size is proof that I am correct.

To reproduce, you don't need an organ longer than half an inch anyway. Most animals have miniscule "things". Humans (the only creature to have eaten the fruit and thus become guilty of origional sin) have the largest penis to body size ratios in all of creation. I've heard that there are some organs (owned by democrats, no doubt) that are mutated to freakishly immodest lengths of up to 4 inches. Such an organ is designed for pleasure, not procration, and is thus a spit in the face of God.

Note that in some African arab places it is standard practise to amputate the pleasure-organs of the girls. I think these people could teach atheists a thing or two about how to live (and to think liberals call me intolerant of other cultures! ON THE CONTRARY!)

For those who are squeamish about amputations and such, have heard that by keeping a chinese finger-trap on a boy's "part" during puberty it can prevent his "meat" from growing oversized, though my parents found that for it me that was never necessary.

We need to deal with pornographic movies, which use special effects to create impossible-sized organs, which glorify what in real life would be a deviant mutation.

I've heard that some abstinence-only classes deal with the issue of over-sized organs and the diseases caused by the resulting sexual pleasure. Do Landover Baptist's charter schools teach this? If not, we should start.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

PRAISE!!! With all the witches and sodomites we've been getting lately, I'm weeping with joy that we have someone on the side of righteousness who is so strong in the Lord! God bless you, Mr. Thurmond! Bless you! I am feeling positively ENERGIZED with the Holy Spirit now!

[SUV]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

Oh.my.GOD, Brother Thurmond! You've got to be having laryngitis of the fingertips!!!

What else can I say but, Welcome Back!!!

PS Remember me?

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

That's..uhh..certainly interesting, Mr Thurmond. And long. Very, very long.

[Sista Lateefah]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

PRAISE THE LORD!

I han't been able to read all o' that, on account that after five minutes, it had started to confuseded me. I is just a woman after all - a colored one at that.

But what I had read had done did made me do a tapdance fo' the LORD! At least, until my feets started hurtin' too much from the Godly discipline my husband had gaveded me last night. And I gotsa say a big THANK YOU to Sista Thumper. You was right, nobody had noticeded durrin' Bible Study. Praise!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: What Jeb Thurmond thinks about everything

PS Remember me?

Er, yes, my brother told me about the warm welcome you gave him on New Year's Eve. My brother looks a lot like me, but I'm afraid he has not been touched quite as much by the lord. I must apologize for his - actually, we'd better discuss this in person.