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Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!

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  #1  
Old 01-24-2011, 02:13 AM
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Cranky Old Man Cranky Old Man is offline
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Default Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."
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Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

Last edited by Cranky Old Man; 01-24-2011 at 02:16 PM. Reason: Typo
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  #2  
Old 01-24-2011, 03:45 AM
James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Cranky the world will be better off when everyone is a True Christian. Its a lot less complicated.
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  #3  
Old 01-24-2011, 04:20 AM
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God's Flaming Sword God's Flaming Sword is offline
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Superb work as always Brother Cranky - one question though.

With regard to point four - If the man in question might be raping your daughter would it be prudent to wait until he had finished to see if he was intending to pay his 50 shekels of silver and take the daughter off your hands?

Does it not tell us in Deuteronomy 22:28-29
If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

Obviously if he was not forthcoming with the money then lock them both in the house and burning it to the ground would be the correct course of action

I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

YIC
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  #4  
Old 01-24-2011, 09:03 AM
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Cranky Old Man Cranky Old Man is offline
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by God's Flaming Sword View Post
I would appreciate your thoughts on this.
The Holy Bible has several strategies for when your daughter gets raped. But since it is just a worthless daughter we are talking about here, I would advice the burning her approach. If it would have been a son I would go for the forced marriage option.
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The Christian guide to TORTURING your children
Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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  #5  
Old 01-24-2011, 11:31 AM
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Johannes Kirkeholm Johannes Kirkeholm is offline
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Great list, brother Cranky. Whenever some idiotic socialist points out that we should send money and food down to the country of Africa I remind them of point no. 1 and explain them that we should send down Bibles instead.

Quote:
#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
Quote:
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."
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To the false christians:

Feel like pissing off God? Perhaps this will change your mind:

Hosea 13:16
Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
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  #6  
Old 01-24-2011, 05:21 PM
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Praise this list, Brother Cranky, praise every word it says!

#11. Your True Christian son punches a homer.
Obama/Oprah: Punish the kid and have sex with the homer to make up with him
False Christian: Tell the kid everyone is equal.
True Christian™: Praise the kid, go out and beat homers up together!
Why? Leviticus 20:13 ''If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.''


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  #7  
Old 01-25-2011, 03:00 AM
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."
have you tryed these on anyone yet or are they just meaningless words?
and if so what did the police have to say about it?
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  #8  
Old 01-25-2011, 11:45 AM
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Cranky Old Man Cranky Old Man is offline
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by dominoes delivers View Post
have you tryed these on anyone yet or are they just meaningless words?
Of course not. There is not a single word in God's Holy Bible that is meaningless!

Quote:
and if so what did the police have to say about it?
In Freehold the police only employs True Christians™ so they know there is nothing more important than God and His Holy Bible!
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The Christian guide to TORTURING your children
Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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  #9  
Old 01-25-2011, 12:10 PM
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"
This happened to me when I turned 19 and my pa started M'ing coz he been a wishy washy faggit Obama voting liberal. I often wonder if it has anything to do with how I went astray. Who knows how awesome my life could have been now if I was raised by a Bible believing True Christian family. I could have even been a Pastor.
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  #10  
Old 01-25-2011, 12:21 PM
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
In Freehold the police only employs True Christians™ so they know there is nothing more important than God and His Holy Bible!
And in my court, the sworn words of a Freehold police officer are good enough for me.
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  #11  
Old 01-25-2011, 11:26 PM
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Shemhamforash Shemhamforash is offline
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."
The above is all <vile profanity removed>! Read on and realize the truth of the words that follow:
#1 Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams!
If you want food, go get it, instead of praying to something that doesn't exist, hoping for it to happen.
#2 Children shall be praised for their innocense and pure thougts.
#3 If you're not comfortable with that, then encourage him to go out and get some real pussy instead!
#4 She's expressing lust. Let her be and give her the privacy she deserve!
#5 Get better and continue to enjoy you life to the fullest!
#6 Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
#7 If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy. If not, then be nice to him and show him some hospitality.
#8 When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask the person to stop. If the person does not stop, destroy the person.
Make no difference in male or female.
#9 It's completely natural, and everyone does it sometime. If you're going to cut his hand off, then begin with cutting off you own!
#10 Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
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  #12  
Old 01-25-2011, 11:33 PM
Didymus Much's Avatar
Didymus Much Didymus Much is offline
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Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shemhamforash View Post
...#10 Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
How do you not see the irony in your own comment?
__________________
1 Corinthians 1:27 "But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;" The Bible confounds me; does that mean...
“A universe simple enough to be understood is too simple to produce a mind capable of understanding it.” — John David Barrow, FRS
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  #13  
Old 01-26-2011, 12:01 AM
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Shemhamforash Shemhamforash is offline
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
How do you not see the irony in your own comment?
That depends. Taking in consideration that I made this accont only to give a good answear to that post, so no, there's no irony in it. This is just entertaining
And here's another entertaining thing: http://sprengmeister.org/nsfw/jesusishitler/

Hail Satan!
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  #14  
Old 01-26-2011, 12:16 AM
Didymus Much's Avatar
Didymus Much Didymus Much is offline
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Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shemhamforash View Post
That depends. Taking in consideration that I made this accont only to give a good answear to that post, so no, there's no irony in it....
No, it doesn't depend on that. What you are doing is complaining about that "to which you need not subject yourself", while you are telling someone else NOT TO DO that.
__________________
1 Corinthians 1:27 "But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;" The Bible confounds me; does that mean...
“A universe simple enough to be understood is too simple to produce a mind capable of understanding it.” — John David Barrow, FRS
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  #15  
Old 02-27-2011, 04:27 AM
4.55 Billion 4.55 Billion is offline
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4.55 Billion is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Dear True Christians,

I am brought to tears by the loathing you place upon others. The Lord Jesus Christ loves everyone. Honestly, a man's religion is based mostly on how he was raised (This is why many Indians are Hindu, Middle Easterns are Muslims, and Westerners are Christian).

God will allow the pure of heart into His Kingdom, and cast the wicked into Hell for eternity. Your blind hatred and cult-like processions are a mockery of real Christians.

Real Christians have benevolence towards all. They do not hit their wives or sell their daughter's virginity. They do not physically or verbally assault homosexuals. They forgive, as would Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord.

I will pray to God every night in hope that you will see the wicked ways of Landover Baptist Church. If you want information on the REAL Christianity (and not a false one, which endorses HATE and VIOLENCE), feel free to reach me via email at [personal e-mail address removed].
In God's HOLY Name,
4.55 Billion

P.S. The user name is IRONIC
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  #16  
Old 02-27-2011, 05:02 AM
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Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
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Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4.55 Billion View Post
Dear True Christians,

I am brought to tears by the loathing you place upon others. The Lord Jesus Christ loves everyone. Honestly, a man's religion is based mostly on how he was raised (This is why many Indians are Hindu, Middle Easterns are Muslims, and Westerners are Christian).

God will allow the pure of heart into His Kingdom, and cast the wicked into Hell for eternity. Your blind hatred and cult-like processions are a mockery of real Christians.

Real Christians have benevolence towards all. They do not hit their wives or sell their daughter's virginity. They do not physically or verbally assault homosexuals. They forgive, as would Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord.

I will pray to God every night in hope that you will see the wicked ways of Landover Baptist Church. If you want information on the REAL Christianity (and not a false one, which endorses HATE and VIOLENCE), feel free to reach me via email at [personal e-mail address removed].
In God's HOLY Name,
4.55 Billion

P.S. The user name is IRONIC
Dear Godmocking Whore;

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule of worshiping satan and spreading your legs for anyone with a dollar to post this hateful message. The Holy Bible tells us that we are actually Blessed by your persecution! Thanks for proving that we're right.

Quote:
Matthew 5:10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
5:11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
5:12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
Enjoy hell. I know that Jesus and I can't wait to watch you burn in hell for all eternity. Oh, how we'll laugh at you as you scream in agony! Shout Glory!!

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel
__________________
Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #17  
Old 02-27-2011, 05:09 AM
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Jedediah Jedediah is offline
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by 4.55 Billion View Post
Dear True Christians,

I am brought to tears by the loathing you place upon others. The Lord Jesus Christ loves everyone. Honestly, a man's religion is based mostly on how he was raised (This is why many Indians are Hindu, Middle Easterns are Muslims, and Westerners are Christian).

God will allow the pure of heart into His Kingdom, and cast the wicked into Hell for eternity. Your blind hatred and cult-like processions are a mockery of real Christians.

Real Christians have benevolence towards all. They do not hit their wives or sell their daughter's virginity. They do not physically or verbally assault homosexuals. They forgive, as would Jesus Christ, God's only Son, our Lord.

I will pray to God every night in hope that you will see the wicked ways of Landover Baptist Church. If you want information on the REAL Christianity (and not a false one, which endorses HATE and VIOLENCE), feel free to reach me via email at [personal e-mail address removed].
While Jesus died for the sins of those who accept His kind offer of Redemption, not everyone accepts Him as their personal LORD and Savior. The only way to purify oneself and join us in Heaven is to bathe away your sins in Christ's Blood. It is not sufficient to just be nice to people, because we are all born into sin (Psalm 51:5, Romans 3:23, etc.).

It is true that most ethnics choose to wallow in false doctrine and serve false gods. This is because God has preordained them to eternal torments while he has preordained True Christians™ to eternity of singing praise songs, pressed against Jesus' bosom for all eternity.

II Thessalonians 2:11-14
And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:
That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.
But we are bound to give thanks alway to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation through sanctification of the Spirit and belief of the truth:
Whereunto he called you by our gospel, to the obtaining of the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.


And there is no hatred here, son. If you had one iota of Christian discernment, you would recognize our Christian love for what it is. Why do you think we are here, spreading God's Word to lost souls? It is precisely because of our love for them. We show our Christian love by scourging and chastening those who continue to rebel against God's Word. If we didn't love them, we would just ignore them and let them continue to wallow in sin, perversion and depredation without trying to get them to wake up and realize that they will burn in the lake of fire for all eternity if they don't accept Jesus Christ as their personal LORD and Savior. After all, our Salvation™ is already assured. It is blaspheming nonbelievers and salad bar false christians like yourself that are in jeopardy of joining satan and his demons in the lake of fire.

Even worse, if we hated you, we would molly-coddle you and tell you that your non-Biblical false doctrine is a-okay. But we love you, and we want you to join us in Heaven, believe it or not.

Hebrews 12:5-8
And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him:
For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.
If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?
But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.


Unlike your false brand of "christianity", we don't just make a bunch of crap up that agrees with our vain preconceptions of morality. After all, who are we to decide what is right and wrong? God has left Perfect Instructions for us in the Holy Bible (KJV 1611), and it would be ultimate blasphemy to try to second-guess His Word. Unlike you, we obey the Bible, and it is false believers like you who give True Christians™ a bad name!

Real Christians don't make excuses for the sin in others. We judge righteous judgment (Leviticus 19:15, Psalm 37:30, John 7:24, I Corinthians 6:1-5, etc.) and preach the Good News as God commanded. You are the hateful one here. Your bad advice will only land the souls of the already lost in eternal hellfire, while we are actually trying to help them get to heaven. That is why we have a policy against unsaved trash like yourself posting personal email addresses.

So why don't you actually try reading the Holy Bible (KJV 1611) and learn what it really means to walk in Christ's footsteps.

II Timothy 4:2-5
Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.
For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;
And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.
But watch thou in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, make full proof of thy ministry.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I rebuke you!
__________________
II Thessalonians 1:7-9
And to you who are troubled rest with us, when the Lord Jesus shall be revealed from heaven with his mighty angels,
In flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God, and that obey not the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ:
Who shall be punished with everlasting destruction from the presence of the Lord, and from the glory of his power



The man who is being progressively sanctified will inescapably sanctify his home, school, politics, economics, science, and all things else by understanding and interpreting all things in terms of the Word of God and by bringing all things under the Dominion of Christ the King. -R.J. Rushdoony
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  #18  
Old 03-02-2011, 12:56 AM
12bb1bb's Avatar
12bb1bb 12bb1bb is offline
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12bb1bb is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
With all the bad examples set by Obama, Oprah and all those other people who aren't as white as Jesus, people are losing touch with the reality of the Holy Bible. It is time to fix this and go back to the ways taught to us by Jesus Christ Himself!

#1 You are out of food.
What would Obama/Oprah do: Steal food.
What would a fluffy bunny false Christian do: Buy food.
What should a True Christian™ do instead: Pray for food!
Why? Matthew 21:22 "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

#2 Your kids are annoying.
Obama/Oprah: Give them drugs.
False Christian: Ask them to stop.
True Christian™: Hit them until they bleed!
Why? Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

#3 You catch your son watching porn.
Obama/Oprah: Do a live porn show for him.
False Christian: Throw away the porn.
True Christian™: Poke out his eyes!
Why? Mark 9:47 "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire"

#4 You catch your daughter having sex.
Obama/Oprah: Join them and have incest.
False Christian: Tell them to stop.
True Christian™: Burn down your house with your daughter still in it!
Why? Genesis 38:24 "And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt."

#5 You get sick.
Obama/Oprah: Slaughter and burn a virgin.
False Christian: Go to a doctor.
True Christian™: Suffer and die!
Why? Romans 5:12 "Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned"

#6 Your wife brings home a dog and a cat.
Obama/Oprah: Have sex with them.
False Christian: Welcome them and feed them.
True Christian™: Kill either the dog or the cat!
Why? Leviticus 19:19 "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind"

#7 You get a visitor from out of town.
Obama/Oprah: Have an orgy.
False Christian: Invite them in and be nice to them.
True Christian™: Kick them out immediately because all outsiders are evil!
Why? 2nd Timothy 3:8 "Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith."

#8 A women talks to you.
Obama/Oprah: Rape her.
False Christian: Engage in conversation with the woman.
True Christian™: Tell her to shut up immediately!
Why? 1st Timothy 2:11-12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

#9 You catch your son masturbating.
Obama/Oprah: Start masturbating as well.
False Christian: Ask him to stop.
True Christian™: Cut off his hand!
Why? Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched"

#10 Someone makes a mistake.
Obama/Oprah: Make an even bigger mistake.
False Christian: Forgive them and move on.
True Christian™: Punish them severely!
Why? John 7:24 "Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment." 2nd Timothy 4:1-2 "I charge thee therefore before God, and the Lord Jesus Christ, who shall judge the quick and the dead at his appearing and his kingdom; Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine."

Sounds like Sharia law to me.
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  #19  
Old 03-02-2011, 01:00 AM
Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson's Avatar
Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson is offline
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Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor William Nathaniel Sampson will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by 12bb1bb View Post
Sounds like Sharia law to me.
I can assure you it is all perfectly sourced from the Christian Bible.
__________________
Praise and worship with Pastor Will. Services at 9 a.m., 11 a.m. and 6 p.m.


Contact me. pastorwillsampson at gmail.com
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  #20  
Old 03-02-2011, 01:09 AM
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Default Re: Solving problems the Christian way! (Not for women and gays.)

Maybe in a wickedly and sickly warped interpretation of the Christian bible.
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