The Landover Baptist Church
Like us or burn

Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > Christian history forum

Christian history forum This forum is dedicated to the history of Christianity, and its impact on the history of the world.

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-27-2014, 05:15 PM
Elmer G. White's Avatar
Elmer G. White Elmer G. White is online now
True Christian™
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Friend of Jesus Christian Love True Christian™ Touched by Jesus Persecuted Honorary Ex-Eskimo Ex-Scandinavian Ex-eurotrash True Scientist™ 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Doctor 

Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Europe, the Continent that has Abandoned Christ
Posts: 625
Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Elmer G. White is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Lightbulb Visit France! - My mission day 3 (of 4)

In the previous epidodes of Visit France - My mission, Elmer experienced a rough and unpleasant cavity search, renewed his intimate relationship with Jesus and visited a cat lick dungpile. The carnal sodomistic nature of the Frenchman began to manifest itself to Elmer, who was obiously flabbergasted by the sheer volume of anal pleasures that the French committed themselves to. All this made Elmer very confused, but he would not be that any more after tonights sequel - Yes! It's time for day 3.

7. La cuisine française

The végisexual paradise - oral entry of rectal demons - the Satanic breeding program

Genesis 1: 11-13
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, [and] the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed [is] in itself, upon the earth: and it was so. And the earth brought forth grass, [and] herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed [was] in itself, after his kind: and God saw that [it was] good. And the evening and the morning were the third day.

French food is nauseatingly hideous. Everybody knows that. The unfortunate climate, poverty and cat lick oppression have forced to French to eat practically anything of organic origin (Leviticus 11:1-31). This includes creeping things, seafood without scales, nonruminating animals and other forbidden items. Still, I thought that a hearty steak with some freedom fries would have been palatable even in this most backward of countries when it comes to food. While I valiantly fought down the supposedly well-done steak with its blood stains and the moist unsalted freedom fries, my hosts unfortunately had other things in their minds.
They started to devour an orgy of greens and fruit and queering things. They had aubergines, exactly the size of the inner void of a man's rectum ready to be filled. They consumed phallistic mushrooms, excatly the shape of a majestic tallywhacker designed to bust its spores and bring forth new solders for Christ but here aimed at the nether end of my gastrointestinal tract.
They munched on nauseating asparagus or aspérges, similar in shape to the tiny but springly thingies of cat lick boys... The sights, the aromas, the smells and the greedy looks on the faces of my French hosts as they smeared these plantform staffs of seduction with melted butter or sauce Hollandaise, the lubricant (one of them had Béarnaise, which is essentially Hollandaise with just a touch of éstragon)!
We True Christians™ are well aware that vegetables contain the gay contagion, and the endless pyroclastic flow of plants incinerated all inhibitions on its path and I definitely started to fear for my health. The AIDS contagion, the rectal demons, are devious little things that force you to feel enormous feelings as they enter your rectal lining that usually only allows one-way traffic!

I suddenly realized that 1) vegetables are homeristic and 2) vegetables usually enter one's tubing from the oral end (the famous exception to this rule is the common homer habit of inserting them rectally). As a result, 3), the rectal demons present in vegetables are accustomed to entering by oral ingestion! They get a free ride with intestinal contents to the rectum and - zap - one suddenly experiences overwhelming lust for the next altarboy! And all the time I tried to swallow the painful imitation of a steak, the cooking fumes and aromas filled with the homerdemons were all around me!

I prayed!

Psalms 27:12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.
Ezekiel 37:9 Then said he unto me, Prophesy unto the wind, prophesy, son of man, and say to the wind, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live.

I felt safer until I noticed the next danger.
More of the vegetable temptations, now in the form of female private parts, the melons, the cabbages. And the supposedly Baptist hosts of mine had NO IDEA. Verse after verse I shouted opon them but spoonful after spoonful they consumed the AIDS demons, the Satan, the homerhavoc!
I realized that they were a lost case, totally oblivious to the cause of God, of JESUS, OF JESUS CHRIST OUR SAVIOUR OUR LORD.

In addition, the freedom fries were bad and the French dared express fake upset when I reminded them of their cowardice after 9/11.

Leviticus 19:20 And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that is a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free.
Acts 22:28 And the chief captain answered, With a great sum obtained I this freedom. And Paul said, But I was free born.

Oh yes! We, the True Christians™ have our freedom. The French have tried to buy theirs, to bribe it. It won't work!

8. The leisure times of France

The most boring event EVER - the pink conspiracy - no second anal probe

The evening was initially allocated to a large meeting with French Baptists but due to an event of bicycling called the Turd of France it was cancelled. I was dragged along a desolate road to watch the event. I was expecting a group of athletes desplaying Godly strength and agility in expectation of the Last Battle, of Rapture, of THE END OF TIMES. Instead, we waited for hours along a gray tarmac road. Thousands of other French men and harlots lined the street. I immersed myself in my pocket copy of the KJV until a roar was heard approximately a mile down the road. Expecting God to give me a SIGN (such as sending some welcome brimestone on that questionable nation), I became sligtly exuberant and shouted:

Revelation 18:10 Standing afar off for the fear of her torment, saying, Alas, alas, that great city Babylon, that mighty city! for in one hour is thy judgment come.
Revelation 18:17 For in one hour so great riches is come to nought. And every shipmaster, and all the company in ships, and sailors, and as many as trade by sea, stood afar off,
Revelation 19:7 Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.

Alas, the disappointment! Suddenly a group of voitures (Rénaults are not cars) hummed by. Then a skinny sissy man on a bicycle. Then a few dozen dozed men more. The Frenchies shouted. Then it was all over. We left for my Hôtel. The whole event had taken less than a minute.

My hosts showed me a paper (a journal called l'Équipe) about the previous results of this same silly cycling game. I was alarmed by two things. 1) I asked them if this had anything to do with Godless recycling but they did not understand. 2) The newspaper was PINK! It was a homerpaper! Touching it would surely had spread the AIDS demons. Peril! Looking at it could have done the same thing. I was desperate.

Matthew 5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

I had never felt such calm. I confiscated a nearby bottle of wine (Château Mouton-Rothchild 1961), broke the bottle with a stone (I am a True Christian™. I CAN CAST THE FIRST STONE! John 8:7) and started to pluck out my eyes in a most relaxed manner. My hosts grabbed me. I was taken into a hospital and given an injection. No anal probe this time (Thank you, Jesus). I was taken to my Hôtel. I did not see my "hosts" again. I wish I never will.

9. Assessment of France

The Celestial scale - pre-millennium - pre-Apocalyptic

On the Celestial Scale countries can be evaluated by their pleasingness to our LORD, TO GOD (Colossians 1:10)! Here's the list as it was at the end of the 2nd millennium:
1. Godly America
2.-5. places missing
6. Heathen UK and the Joolands
7. The so-called "allies", such as Germanistan, France and the papist block
8. Mooslimbs and Messicants
9.-15. places missing
16. Godless Europistan
17. Hamite states
This IS NO LONGER VALID. The new list is as follows:
1. Godly America
2. Godly Russia
3.-6. places missing
7. Homer-free Messicants, ornamental and desert joo countries
8. So called "allies"
9.-25. places missing
26. Hamite states, UK and Jooland
27. Godless Europistan (Swiss, Sinland, Germania, Gypsies, Nether regions, Australia)
28.-35. places missing
36. Liechtenstein
37. The Gambia
38. The cat lick conspiracy
40. Godless, slimy, evil France

Matthew 12:30 He that is not with me is against me; and he that gathereth not with me scattereth abroad.

The Godless medicine had made me slightly delirious. I slept through the night.

Yours in Christ,

Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
2 Kings 18:25 Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.

Never EVER allow life support or CPR if you do not want to lose your place in HEAVEN!
Follow my adventures in Godless France: Day 1 (cavities), Day 2 (cat licks), Day 3 (Turd of France), Day 4.

Dolphins may be 'cute' but they are also HOMOSEXUALS CORRUPTED by SATAN!
Do you think God is not 'nice'? Check HERE and LEARN what the difference between human 'good' and GOD's RIGHTEOUS is!
Find out the TRUTH about 'homeopathy'.
See for yourself: mathematics proves homosexuality SATANIC!
Reply With Quote


catamite, catholic, sodomites, sodomizers, vegetarians are nazis

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here

The information presented here is Biblically accurate. Opinions concerning the technical difficulties, fitness requirements, safety, and ratings of self-crucifixion, flagellation, stoning, destroying enemies of GOD utterly, without mercy, and other activities inherent in Christianity are subjective and may differ from yours or others' opinions; therefore be warned that you must exercise your own judgment as to the difficulty and your ability to safely protect yourself from the inherent risks and dangers. Do not use the information provided on this site unless you are a True Christian ™ who understands and accepts the risks of participating in these activities. Landover Baptist Church makes reasonable efforts to include accurate and up to date information on this website, errors or omissions sometimes occur, therefore the information contained on here is provided "as is" and without warranties of any kind either expressed or implied. Viewing, reading, or any other use of the information contained within this web site is purely the voluntary will of the viewer or user. You, 'the viewer' or 'user' shall not hold the publisher, owner, authors or other contributors of The Jesus Experience responsible for any incidents related directly or indirectly to the Experience. Landover Baptist Church, et. al., assumes no liability or responsibility for your actions.

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:34 AM.

Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1999, 2009 all rights reserved