Tweet
1 Samuel 16-18
Today's reading is probably another of the more known (and least understood) sections of the Old Testament.
Today we get:
That's a lot of David.
1 Samuel 16
1 And the LORD said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? fill thine horn with oil, and go, I will send thee to Jesse the Bethlehemite: for I have provided me a king among his sons.
I don't think Samuel mourned very long.
Remember Jesse? (Not Bo and Luke's uncle). Think back to Ruth chapter 4. Jesse is Obed's son. Obed was Ruth's son, and his father is listed as Boaz (even though it should be Mahlon).
2 And Samuel said, How can I go? if Saul hear it, he will kill me. And the LORD said, Take an heifer with thee, and say, I am come to sacrifice to the LORD.
The LORD didn't tell him to lie. He informed him to tell a half truth. So long as he only mentions the sacrifice, and doesn't bother to mention the anointing, then he's not really lying.
3 And call Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will shew thee what thou shalt do: and thou shalt anoint unto me him whom I name unto thee.
Everyone familiar with the story (or who has read today's intro) knows it's gonna be David.
4 And Samuel did that which the LORD spake, and came to Bethlehem. And the elders of the town trembled at his coming, and said, Comest thou peaceably?
How often today, do you see preachers showing up into a town, and the people of the town get together and ask if you are there peacefully? Samuel was a MAN OF GOD, heck, he was THE MAN OF GOD of Israel for several years. Imagine if Pastor Benny Hinn showed up on a crusade in New York, and the city council got together to ask, "you aren't here to kill us, right?" But then, Pastor Hinn hasn't just recently hacked up King Agag.
5 And he said, Peaceably: I am come to sacrifice unto the LORD: sanctify yourselves, and come with me to the sacrifice. And he sanctified Jesse and his sons, and called them to the sacrifice.
Makes you wonder if he's ever said "not peaceably".
6 And it came to pass, when they were come, that he looked on Eliab, and said, Surely the LORD's anointed is before him.
Eliab probably looked kind of kingly.
7 But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
This is the first mention of the LORD looking on the heart. Of course, we are told to judge not on the outward appearance, but to judge righteous judgment. When Samuel was told by God to pick Saul, God apparently didn't looketh on the heart.
So, after Jesse's boys one by one get turned down by God, Samuel asks Jesse if that was all of them. Jesse says he still has one out with the sheep.
12 And he sent, and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to. And the LORD said, Arise, anoint him: for this is he.
We've found our next anointed leader, PRAISE JESUS!!!
13 Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him in the midst of his brethren: and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. So Samuel rose up, and went to Ramah.
14 But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him.
As soon as David was anointed, the LORD not only left Saul, but also sent a DEMON (evil spirit from the LORD) to mess with him. Note how the demon didn't come from hell. God apparently keeps evil spirits somewhere in heaven to send down to trouble people. PRAISE JESUS!!!
So Saul's men say that a person who plays the harp will be able to calm him down. So they search for someone, and come across David.
18 Then answered one of the servants, and said, Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, that is cunning in playing, and a mighty valiant man, and a man of war, and prudent in matters, and a comely person, and the LORD is with him.
Um, what was that description?
A mighty valiant man, a man of war. Doesn't this go against every thing we've ever really read about David playing the harp.
Why is it that most everytime we see a picture of David with Saul, that David looks like a little weakling, who is about 12? When the Bible describes him as a mighty valiant man, a man of war.
21 And David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly; and he became his armourbearer.
So David became the armourbearer for the king. During this time, he probably became very familiar with the kings armour, as he would have cleaned it, polished it, and checked it for wear. I'd bet that at times when the king wasn't looking, that he'd try it on, and probably play with the king's sword.
23 And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him.
That's nice, that the one that the LORD was with, could calm the one that the LORD was actively troubling.
1 Samuel 17
1 Now the Philistines gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Shochoh, which belongeth to Judah, and pitched between Shochoh and Azekah, in Ephesdammim.
So Saul took the men, and there was a stand-off between them and the Philistines.
4 And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.
Ah, Goliath. He would have stood roughly, 9 feet six inches.
So Goliath goes out with all his armour, and his shield bearer, and he has a HUGE spear.
7 And the staff of his spear was like a weaver's beam; and his spear's head weighed six hundred shekels of iron: and one bearing a shield went before him.
A shekel is about 8 and a third grams. So his spear would have weighed about 5000 grams. A gram is .0022 pounds, so his spear head would have weighed about 11 pounds (the weight of a medium bowling ball).
8 And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
9 If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
That sounds like a great way to avoid war. Send out a champion, have them fight to the death, and the loser becomes servants to the other.
11 When Saul and all Israel heard those words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.
Remember, Saul was head and shoulders taller than the rest. So, the rest of the people were probably 5 foot something, so Goliath would have been nearly twice the height of the average joo.
Three of David's brothers followed Saul into battle. David stayed behind to watch the sheep. Jesse sends David to see how his brothers are doing.
20 And David rose up early in the morning, and left the sheep with a keeper, and took, and went, as Jesse had commanded him; and he came to the trench, as the host was going forth to the fight, and shouted for the battle.
So David goes... why wasn't he there already, if he was Saul's armourbearer?
While there, Goliath comes out again and challenges the people. David hears this and wonders who is gonna go fight him.
26 And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?
The people tell him, that whoever kills Goliath, will be given riches and the king's daughter.
Saul hears about David asking who will fight, so he calls for David.
32 And David said to Saul, Let no man's heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.
33 And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.
Well, weren't we told earlier that David was a man of war?
So David tells Saul of the time he killed a bear and a lion.
37 David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee.
38 And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail.
39 And David girded his sword upon his armour, and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him.
Well, what was he doing the entire time he was the armourbearer?
40 And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.
This leads to the question: Why 5 stones? Goliath had four brothers (2 Samuel 21:18-22), so David probably took the extra stones in case the brothers came out to take revenge.
42 And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.
43 And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
Some other accounts of the story say that one of the claims of Goliath was that he was the one who took the Ark and put it in the temple of Dagon. Other accounts have it that Goliath and his brothers are daughters of Orpah (Naomi's other daughter in law, who left when Naomi asked her to leave), this would make David and Goliath, kin, cousins (not direct cousins) but Goliath's grandfather, would have been David's great grandfather.
45 Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.
46 This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.
47 And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands.
Goliath claims he will win, David claims the LORD will win... who's gonna win?
They charge...
49 And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
PRAISE JESUS!!!
50 So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.
So what did David do? Why did he need a sword?
51 Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.
Thankfully, David didn't need to use the other four stones for his other cousins. Instead, he took out Goliath's HUGE sword, and chopped off his massive head.
52 And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.
So they ran, one guy dies, and they all go running. The Israelites smote a lot of uncircumcised Philistines that day, PRAISE JESUS!!!
54 And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armour in his tent.
So he wouldn't take the king's armour, but he'll take his enemies, I'm sure Goliath's armour was probably worth a lot more anyway.
55 And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell.
Wait, wasn't David the one who calmed the evil spirit? In 1 Samuel 16:18, wasn't he told of Jesse's son, who played the harp? Didn't he remember the name of his armourbearer?
57 And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him, and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand.
58 And Saul said to him, Whose son art thou, thou young man? And David answered, I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.
Uh, I'm your armourbearer dumbass!
1 Samuel 18
1 And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.
It was NOT a romantic relationship!
3 Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.
I repeat; IT WAS NOT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP! (regardless of the fact that Jonathan stripped in front of him)
4 And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.
Two hetrosexual males can change clothes in front of each other and still be straight!
5 And David went out whithersoever Saul sent him, and behaved himself wisely: and Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul's servants.
So because David killed Goliath, he's promised the hand of a daughter, and he has a NOT ROMANTIC relationship with Jonathan.
6 And it came to pass as they came, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, that the women came out of all cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet king Saul, with tabrets, with joy, and with instruments of musick.
Why didn't Jonathan become friends with David when he first went and calmed the king by playing the harp? Then he would have had Jonathan's sword for the beheading of Goliath.
7 And the women answered one another as they played, and said, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.
Like a Toby Keith song.
Except, this really pissed off Saul.
9 And Saul eyed David from that day and forward.
Every moment, he wanted to kill him more and more.
10 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied in the midst of the house: and David played with his hand, as at other times: and there was a javelin in Saul's hand.
11 And Saul cast the javelin; for he said, I will smite David even to the wall with it. And David avoided out of his presence twice.
While David is playing his harp, Saul throws a javelin at him. Apparently David's playing doesn't calm Saul down as much as it used to.
17 And Saul said to David, Behold my elder daughter Merab, her will I give thee to wife: only be thou valiant for me, and fight the LORD's battles. For Saul said, Let not mine hand be upon him, but let the hand of the Philistines be upon him.
Ah, David apparently learned from this. It's ok to have someone killed by the other army, so long as you don't do the killing yourself.
19 But it came to pass at the time when Merab Saul's daughter should have been given to David, that she was given unto Adriel the Meholathite to wife.
Ok, David was supposed to get Merab, instead he's gonna get Michal.
20 And Michal Saul's daughter loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him.
21 And Saul said, I will give him her, that she may be a snare to him, and that the hand of the Philistines may be against him. Wherefore Saul said to David, Thou shalt this day be my son in law in the one of the twain.
Why does everyone in Saul's family love David, except for Saul?
Well, David worries that he can't provide a dowry for Michal, so Saul comes up with a plan (that will hopefully get David killed).
25 And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.
What an interesting dowry. 100 foreskins for your daughters hand in marriage.
27 Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.
Well, David cut off the foreskin of 200 tallywhackers! David had to touch 200 Philistine penises. David DID NOT touch Jonathan's penis!
So David continues to do the right thing for the LORD, and this continues to piss off Saul.
So what have we learned today?
1. When Samuel anointed David, God instantly sent a demon to trouble Saul.
2. David's played the harp; NOT Jonathan's flute.
3. David chopped off the head of his cousin.
YIC
V
Today's reading is probably another of the more known (and least understood) sections of the Old Testament.
Today we get:
- The anointing of David
- David and Saul
- David and Goliath
- David and Jonathan
- More David and Saul
That's a lot of David.
1 Samuel 16
1 And the LORD said unto Samuel, How long wilt thou mourn for Saul, seeing I have rejected him from reigning over Israel? fill thine horn with oil, and go, I will send thee to Jesse the Bethlehemite: for I have provided me a king among his sons.
I don't think Samuel mourned very long.
Remember Jesse? (Not Bo and Luke's uncle). Think back to Ruth chapter 4. Jesse is Obed's son. Obed was Ruth's son, and his father is listed as Boaz (even though it should be Mahlon).
2 And Samuel said, How can I go? if Saul hear it, he will kill me. And the LORD said, Take an heifer with thee, and say, I am come to sacrifice to the LORD.
The LORD didn't tell him to lie. He informed him to tell a half truth. So long as he only mentions the sacrifice, and doesn't bother to mention the anointing, then he's not really lying.
3 And call Jesse to the sacrifice, and I will shew thee what thou shalt do: and thou shalt anoint unto me him whom I name unto thee.
Everyone familiar with the story (or who has read today's intro) knows it's gonna be David.
4 And Samuel did that which the LORD spake, and came to Bethlehem. And the elders of the town trembled at his coming, and said, Comest thou peaceably?
How often today, do you see preachers showing up into a town, and the people of the town get together and ask if you are there peacefully? Samuel was a MAN OF GOD, heck, he was THE MAN OF GOD of Israel for several years. Imagine if Pastor Benny Hinn showed up on a crusade in New York, and the city council got together to ask, "you aren't here to kill us, right?" But then, Pastor Hinn hasn't just recently hacked up King Agag.
5 And he said, Peaceably: I am come to sacrifice unto the LORD: sanctify yourselves, and come with me to the sacrifice. And he sanctified Jesse and his sons, and called them to the sacrifice.
Makes you wonder if he's ever said "not peaceably".
6 And it came to pass, when they were come, that he looked on Eliab, and said, Surely the LORD's anointed is before him.
Eliab probably looked kind of kingly.
7 But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
This is the first mention of the LORD looking on the heart. Of course, we are told to judge not on the outward appearance, but to judge righteous judgment. When Samuel was told by God to pick Saul, God apparently didn't looketh on the heart.
So, after Jesse's boys one by one get turned down by God, Samuel asks Jesse if that was all of them. Jesse says he still has one out with the sheep.
12 And he sent, and brought him in. Now he was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to. And the LORD said, Arise, anoint him: for this is he.
We've found our next anointed leader, PRAISE JESUS!!!
13 Then Samuel took the horn of oil, and anointed him in the midst of his brethren: and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. So Samuel rose up, and went to Ramah.
14 But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him.
As soon as David was anointed, the LORD not only left Saul, but also sent a DEMON (evil spirit from the LORD) to mess with him. Note how the demon didn't come from hell. God apparently keeps evil spirits somewhere in heaven to send down to trouble people. PRAISE JESUS!!!
So Saul's men say that a person who plays the harp will be able to calm him down. So they search for someone, and come across David.
18 Then answered one of the servants, and said, Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, that is cunning in playing, and a mighty valiant man, and a man of war, and prudent in matters, and a comely person, and the LORD is with him.
Um, what was that description?
A mighty valiant man, a man of war. Doesn't this go against every thing we've ever really read about David playing the harp.
Why is it that most everytime we see a picture of David with Saul, that David looks like a little weakling, who is about 12? When the Bible describes him as a mighty valiant man, a man of war.
21 And David came to Saul, and stood before him: and he loved him greatly; and he became his armourbearer.
So David became the armourbearer for the king. During this time, he probably became very familiar with the kings armour, as he would have cleaned it, polished it, and checked it for wear. I'd bet that at times when the king wasn't looking, that he'd try it on, and probably play with the king's sword.
23 And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him.
That's nice, that the one that the LORD was with, could calm the one that the LORD was actively troubling.
1 Samuel 17
1 Now the Philistines gathered together their armies to battle, and were gathered together at Shochoh, which belongeth to Judah, and pitched between Shochoh and Azekah, in Ephesdammim.
So Saul took the men, and there was a stand-off between them and the Philistines.
4 And there went out a champion out of the camp of the Philistines, named Goliath, of Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span.
Ah, Goliath. He would have stood roughly, 9 feet six inches.
So Goliath goes out with all his armour, and his shield bearer, and he has a HUGE spear.
7 And the staff of his spear was like a weaver's beam; and his spear's head weighed six hundred shekels of iron: and one bearing a shield went before him.
A shekel is about 8 and a third grams. So his spear would have weighed about 5000 grams. A gram is .0022 pounds, so his spear head would have weighed about 11 pounds (the weight of a medium bowling ball).
8 And he stood and cried unto the armies of Israel, and said unto them, Why are ye come out to set your battle in array? am not I a Philistine, and ye servants to Saul? choose you a man for you, and let him come down to me.
9 If he be able to fight with me, and to kill me, then will we be your servants: but if I prevail against him, and kill him, then shall ye be our servants, and serve us.
That sounds like a great way to avoid war. Send out a champion, have them fight to the death, and the loser becomes servants to the other.
11 When Saul and all Israel heard those words of the Philistine, they were dismayed, and greatly afraid.
Remember, Saul was head and shoulders taller than the rest. So, the rest of the people were probably 5 foot something, so Goliath would have been nearly twice the height of the average joo.
Three of David's brothers followed Saul into battle. David stayed behind to watch the sheep. Jesse sends David to see how his brothers are doing.
20 And David rose up early in the morning, and left the sheep with a keeper, and took, and went, as Jesse had commanded him; and he came to the trench, as the host was going forth to the fight, and shouted for the battle.
So David goes... why wasn't he there already, if he was Saul's armourbearer?
While there, Goliath comes out again and challenges the people. David hears this and wonders who is gonna go fight him.
26 And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?
The people tell him, that whoever kills Goliath, will be given riches and the king's daughter.
Saul hears about David asking who will fight, so he calls for David.
32 And David said to Saul, Let no man's heart fail because of him; thy servant will go and fight with this Philistine.
33 And Saul said to David, Thou art not able to go against this Philistine to fight with him: for thou art but a youth, and he a man of war from his youth.
Well, weren't we told earlier that David was a man of war?
So David tells Saul of the time he killed a bear and a lion.
37 David said moreover, The LORD that delivered me out of the paw of the lion, and out of the paw of the bear, he will deliver me out of the hand of this Philistine. And Saul said unto David, Go, and the LORD be with thee.
38 And Saul armed David with his armour, and he put an helmet of brass upon his head; also he armed him with a coat of mail.
39 And David girded his sword upon his armour, and he assayed to go; for he had not proved it. And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them. And David put them off him.
Well, what was he doing the entire time he was the armourbearer?
40 And he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd's bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.
This leads to the question: Why 5 stones? Goliath had four brothers (2 Samuel 21:18-22), so David probably took the extra stones in case the brothers came out to take revenge.
42 And when the Philistine looked about, and saw David, he disdained him: for he was but a youth, and ruddy, and of a fair countenance.
43 And the Philistine said unto David, Am I a dog, that thou comest to me with staves? And the Philistine cursed David by his gods.
Some other accounts of the story say that one of the claims of Goliath was that he was the one who took the Ark and put it in the temple of Dagon. Other accounts have it that Goliath and his brothers are daughters of Orpah (Naomi's other daughter in law, who left when Naomi asked her to leave), this would make David and Goliath, kin, cousins (not direct cousins) but Goliath's grandfather, would have been David's great grandfather.
45 Then said David to the Philistine, Thou comest to me with a sword, and with a spear, and with a shield: but I come to thee in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom thou hast defied.
46 This day will the LORD deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel.
47 And all this assembly shall know that the LORD saveth not with sword and spear: for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give you into our hands.
Goliath claims he will win, David claims the LORD will win... who's gonna win?
They charge...
49 And David put his hand in his bag, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine in his forehead, that the stone sunk into his forehead; and he fell upon his face to the earth.
PRAISE JESUS!!!
50 So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and smote the Philistine, and slew him; but there was no sword in the hand of David.
So what did David do? Why did he need a sword?
51 Therefore David ran, and stood upon the Philistine, and took his sword, and drew it out of the sheath thereof, and slew him, and cut off his head therewith. And when the Philistines saw their champion was dead, they fled.
Thankfully, David didn't need to use the other four stones for his other cousins. Instead, he took out Goliath's HUGE sword, and chopped off his massive head.
52 And the men of Israel and of Judah arose, and shouted, and pursued the Philistines, until thou come to the valley, and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell down by the way to Shaaraim, even unto Gath, and unto Ekron.
So they ran, one guy dies, and they all go running. The Israelites smote a lot of uncircumcised Philistines that day, PRAISE JESUS!!!
54 And David took the head of the Philistine, and brought it to Jerusalem; but he put his armour in his tent.
So he wouldn't take the king's armour, but he'll take his enemies, I'm sure Goliath's armour was probably worth a lot more anyway.
55 And when Saul saw David go forth against the Philistine, he said unto Abner, the captain of the host, Abner, whose son is this youth? And Abner said, As thy soul liveth, O king, I cannot tell.
Wait, wasn't David the one who calmed the evil spirit? In 1 Samuel 16:18, wasn't he told of Jesse's son, who played the harp? Didn't he remember the name of his armourbearer?
57 And as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took him, and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand.
58 And Saul said to him, Whose son art thou, thou young man? And David answered, I am the son of thy servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.
Uh, I'm your armourbearer dumbass!
1 Samuel 18
1 And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking unto Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.
It was NOT a romantic relationship!
3 Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul.
I repeat; IT WAS NOT A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP! (regardless of the fact that Jonathan stripped in front of him)
4 And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.
Two hetrosexual males can change clothes in front of each other and still be straight!
5 And David went out whithersoever Saul sent him, and behaved himself wisely: and Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people, and also in the sight of Saul's servants.
So because David killed Goliath, he's promised the hand of a daughter, and he has a NOT ROMANTIC relationship with Jonathan.
6 And it came to pass as they came, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, that the women came out of all cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet king Saul, with tabrets, with joy, and with instruments of musick.
Why didn't Jonathan become friends with David when he first went and calmed the king by playing the harp? Then he would have had Jonathan's sword for the beheading of Goliath.
7 And the women answered one another as they played, and said, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.
Like a Toby Keith song.
Except, this really pissed off Saul.
9 And Saul eyed David from that day and forward.
Every moment, he wanted to kill him more and more.
10 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied in the midst of the house: and David played with his hand, as at other times: and there was a javelin in Saul's hand.
11 And Saul cast the javelin; for he said, I will smite David even to the wall with it. And David avoided out of his presence twice.
While David is playing his harp, Saul throws a javelin at him. Apparently David's playing doesn't calm Saul down as much as it used to.
17 And Saul said to David, Behold my elder daughter Merab, her will I give thee to wife: only be thou valiant for me, and fight the LORD's battles. For Saul said, Let not mine hand be upon him, but let the hand of the Philistines be upon him.
Ah, David apparently learned from this. It's ok to have someone killed by the other army, so long as you don't do the killing yourself.
19 But it came to pass at the time when Merab Saul's daughter should have been given to David, that she was given unto Adriel the Meholathite to wife.
Ok, David was supposed to get Merab, instead he's gonna get Michal.
20 And Michal Saul's daughter loved David: and they told Saul, and the thing pleased him.
21 And Saul said, I will give him her, that she may be a snare to him, and that the hand of the Philistines may be against him. Wherefore Saul said to David, Thou shalt this day be my son in law in the one of the twain.
Why does everyone in Saul's family love David, except for Saul?
Well, David worries that he can't provide a dowry for Michal, so Saul comes up with a plan (that will hopefully get David killed).
25 And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.
What an interesting dowry. 100 foreskins for your daughters hand in marriage.
27 Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.
Well, David cut off the foreskin of 200 tallywhackers! David had to touch 200 Philistine penises. David DID NOT touch Jonathan's penis!
So David continues to do the right thing for the LORD, and this continues to piss off Saul.
So what have we learned today?
1. When Samuel anointed David, God instantly sent a demon to trouble Saul.
2. David's played the harp; NOT Jonathan's flute.
3. David chopped off the head of his cousin.
YIC
V
Trump / Arpaio 2016 -- The Government We Deserve
Comment