2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

[Jesus]

JESUSMe. F. Christ!

This is THE worst Easter ever. I, my Dad and Satan (who doesn't know that we use him for our ultimate purposes, ha!) send you a tiny little plague that kills ONE FREAKING % of the victims and whaddya know! 99% of the Churches in the whole world are empty. Of curse, my good friend and Cong-Fee-Dung Zeke will be holding his sermons on the Big Screen but what about the others?

A Christian trusts Me! A Christian is someone whose prayers I hear. A Christian pays me homage whatever the most recent plague. A Christian does not run into her ICU rabbithole immediately when she starts to cough her lungs into smithereens. A Christian prays and - sometimes - I answer.



This is really the worst Easter ever and you should know that I had quite a nasty one 1990 something years ago. I actually hung on a freaking cross. With buttplug-size nail through my hands and ankles. But. This. Easter. Is. Worse. Of course, Zeke is still my good friend and whoever He chooses into His flock, I won't turn away. Of curse I did know that this was gonna happen. I'm omniscient, capiche? FYI, my second coming is now delayed. The world does not deserve me. I died for it to Save mankind from what I'd do to it if I hand't died for it! This is Me during those begone years. I was sizzling HOT. And now my ANGER burns as HOT.



But my Landover Flock! You are and remain my favorites. You may pray for anything this Easter and I shall answer! Maybe.

[Uncle Rutherford]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

Jesus, I spent most of the morning driving around the state of Georgia until I stumbled upon a Baptist church in Savannah where I could attend(Paula Deen was there). The nigra churches in Georgia were all closed. I’m telling you this so you can take swift action. I’m sure you already knew though.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

Dearest Lord and Savior - thank You for blessing Us with Your Holy Presence on this, the most important day of the year.

As You obviously know, not all so-called churches failed You today. Here in this worthless little corner of England (a small island formerly in Europe), Pastor Steve refused to be bullied by the forces of Big Atheism and church was packed. We trust in You!

I don't know if You bothered to watch over us - we really don't deserve it - but after several hours of praise, worship and celebration in Your Beloved Honor, everyone came back to our place for a feast. We observed social distancing by feeding the tin-tithers (and those of the congregation who don't even have the means to sit in the cheap seats) in one of the more remote fields.

I have no requests to make of You at this time, for I feel truly blessed by the knowledge of Your conditional love.

Yours in You,
Joanna

[Prayer Warrior]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

Dear Jesus, it is great to see you again this Easter! I'm thrilled to be among one of the few services that continues to give thanks and praise to You even during this pandemic! Terrific sermon from Pastor Ezekiel as always.

FYI, my second coming is now delayed. The world does not deserve me.

Unfortunate but understandable. Thank You for this update. I had been staying up on Wednesday nights with anticipation thinking "Maybe this is the Wednesday that Jesus will finally return!" only to be disappointed when Thursday rolls around to think "Darnit, it's going to be at least another 6 days until we see Jesus in the flesh".

At least now I'll know we still have a ways to go.

This is THE worst Easter ever. I, my Dad and Satan (who doesn't know that we use him for our ultimate purposes, ha!) send you a tiny little plague that kills ONE FREAKING % of the victims and whaddya know! 99% of the Churches in the whole world are empty. Of curse, my good friend and Cong-Fee-Dung Zekewill be holding his sermons on the Big Screen but what about the others?

https://www.rawstory.com/2020/03/chr...ie-from-virus/


I'm curious as to what happened to this pastor.

One of the first deaths of a Virginian from coronavirus was a 66-year-old Christian “musical evangelist” who fell ill while on a trip to New Orleans with his wife. As the Friendly Atheist’s Bo Gardiner points out, Landon Spradlin had previously shared opinions that the pandemic was the result of “mass hysteria” from the media.


On March 13, Spradlin shared a misleading meme that compared coronavirus deaths to swine flu deaths and suggested the media is using the pandemic to hurt Trump. In the comments, Spradlin acknowledged that the outbreak is a “real issue,” but added that he believes “the media is pumping out fear and doing more harm than good”


“It will come and it will go,” he wrote.


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That same day, he shared a post from another pastor that told the story of a missionary in South Africa who “protected” himself from the bubonic plague with the “Spirit of God.”


“As long as I walk in the light of that law [of the Spirit of life], no germ will attach itself to me,” read a quote from the post.

I've spoken with some other pastors encouraging them to hold service, and this example seemed to have scared them away. I let them know he probably sinned in some way we didn't know about and not to worry as only a measly 1% die from this illness but they didn't seem to be satisfied with my answer.

Some have even been saying "Perhaps it's Jesus's will that people view our sermons from the comfort of their homes and not congregate in mass while we have a global pandemic." Sounds absurd in my opinion, but I am doing my best to lead others to You.

Ordinarily I would assume he did something sinful, but given the circumstances I thought it might be quite possible he was collateral damage from You/Your Dad's bet with Satan (like Job's children), so I didn't want to rush to judgment.

[Jesus]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

Dear Jesus, it is great to see you again this Easter! I'm thrilled to be among one of the few services that continues to give thanks and praise to You even during this pandemic! Terrific sermon from Pastor Ezekiel as always.

I'm curious as to what happened to this pastor.
...stuff...

I'm still in a bad mood and I'm only answering prayers this Easter, not having a Q&A session. Bad karma from the Easter past, y'know...

[Isabella White]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

Oh, my! What a tremendous thrill this is, dear , to have You grace with Your wondrous presence! You know, I just can't wait to tell the girls about this when we meet at our Wednesday Afternoon McGill Street Ladies' Prayer Meeting, Bible Study and Tea & Social. I do hope that You are in a better mood today, now that we're about to commemorate Your glorious ascension to Heaven above, after having risen from Your dreary, dead state yesterday.

Speaking of rising, dear , and since You say that You are answering prayers today, I'm wondering if You could kindly bless the yeast that I use in my baking. You see, my hot cross buns did not rise properly, so I suspect that the yeast is not activating properly. Goodness, was I disappointed and annoyed! I might as well have been making chapati (not that I would ever entertain the notion of making any type of bread that they eat in those bound nations that deny Your blessed offer of salvation.) And, I know that You will be only too willing to take care of this for me, to keep Your heavenly Father happy by seeing us being in obedience to instruction! Thank you, Dear, and may You bless You.

Ecclesiastes 9:7 "Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart; for God now accepteth thy works."

[Jesus]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

I'm wondering if You could kindly bless the yeast that I use in my baking.

Ok.

[Prayer Warrior]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

I'm still in a bad mood and I'm only answering prayers this Easter, not having a Q&A session. Bad karma from the Easter past, y'know...

In that case, I pray 2021 is Your best Easter yet!

[Jesus]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

In that case, I pray 2021 is Your best Easter yet!

Maybe later.

[James Hutchins]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

As the kind of guy that tries to look at the bright side of things, all the Easter foods and such remained on the shelves at the store, enabling me to buy it at steeply discounted prices and and store away to sell during a later Holiday. God does provide. I also managed to locate a massive amount of hard boiled eggs and the Hutchins females will be making a lot of egg salad.

[WWJDnow]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

I actually hung on a freaking cross. With buttplug-size nail through my hands and ankles.

My apologies, Lord, but, as a True Christian™, I have no recent experience with one of those. Is there a preferred size?

Praise you!

[Jesus]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

My apologies, Lord, but, as a True Christian™, I have no recent experience with one of those. Is there a preferred size?

Praise you!

Yes. There is.

And you're not too good at this prayer thingy, are you? I should probably know as I Created you. And made Matt my Pal write about you in his Gospel 5:3. Anyways, I'm off to see Disney's Onward. It has some nice ideas I might re-cycle into the New Heaven and New Earth.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

I am so ashamed. I was asked about Easter.

"Who is Easter?"

I didn't know. What should I have said?

[handmaiden]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

Dear Jesus;

Could you please help with this cough that has been plaguing me--sorry, poor choice of words--that has been hanging around for the past month?


Also could you multiple my toilet paper and turn water into hand sanitizer? Actually, that was a dumb question. I know that you could, but would you please?


Thank you in advance for your consideration in these matters. Please feel free to reach out to me with any further instructions or concerns.


Sincerely,
Handmaiden, TC ,BA 2010 AD

[Jesus]

Re: 2020: My Worst Easter EVER!

I am so ashamed. I was asked about Easter.

"Who is Easter?"

I didn't know. What should I have said?

Me Christ, woman! You should have simply Praised Me!