[Pastor Ezekiel]

New Chink Cult

This gook seems to believe that he is God. He also is getting rich peddling all manner of contraptions that he guarantees will make you live forever!

According to Alex Chiu, based on testimonies, facts, and proofs, people are believed to be able to stay physically young forever by using his new inventions "The Eternal Life Rings" and "The Eternal Life Foot Braces". The Eternal Life Rings are to be worn on both small fingers of a user during sleep. The Eternal Life Foot Braces are to be worn on all toes of both feet during sleep. Both devices consist of rare earth or ceramic magnets and plastic braces which hold magnets onto the fingers of the user. The inventor explained that the fingers and toes are the negative (-) and positive (+) terminals of your body.

And just look at this demonic gibberish!

God is the mathematical formula which runs our universe. Nothing escapes it. My lord, I know you exist. I have studied both the Chinese prophecies and the Jewish prophecies. You truly did fulfill every prophecy, one by one, accordingly. You, my G~d, are the physics of the universe, the law of all matters, the past and the future of time. All matters have their physics. Moon rotates around the Earth, and Earth surrounds the Sun. Nobody can defy this fact. An orange seed produces an orange tree. How else can it be? The universe itself also needs a system to back it up, or else the universe cannot function. You, my G~d, are the physics of the universe, the DNA of space, the fulfillment of time, Some say that my G~d is a living being. But I know that my G~d is the mathematical system which governs and runs the entire universe. You can be measured with only natural signs and numbers.

What a nutjob. I wonder if this is one of hiroshi's litter-mates.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: False Religions Register

Moderator note: The babblings of a certain heretic, and the Godly responses thereto, have been split off here.

[Petal]

Re: False Religions Register

who be the 7th day adventist folk, what do they belives? i be thinkin they a false relgion cuz anyone who go to churchs on saturday has got to be a loon

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: False Religions Register

who be the 7th day adventist folk, what do they belives? i be thinkin they a false relgion cuz anyone who go to churchs on saturday has got to be a loon

Petal, I'm glad you asked this question. I'll explain it as simply as I can.

The 7th Day Adventists are a cult of jew vegetarians, mixed up with Jehovah Witlesses. They don't salute the Flag of Jesusland (aka America), and they hate anyone who drinks coffee.

Avoid them like the plague Sister Petal. And if one of them invites you over for some "nut loaf", run away as fast as you can.

[Petal]

Re: False Religions Register

Avoid them like the plague Sister Petal. And if one of them invites you over for some "nut loaf", run away as fast as you can.

i be takin your advices to hart, Mr.Pastor Zeke. but i a liddle confuseds by your post, cuz if they vegetarans, why they be eatin nut loaf? even if they were never vegetaran loons, they gotta no that lord Jesus not approve of them christians who lurve to gobble-gobbles the testickle breads!

[Rev. Carlton Green]

Re: False Religions Register

I feel the need to add the Pastafarians who worship a rather noodley Satan, Mrs. Rogers.

I'm sure your all are aware of the notorious flying spagetti monster and his unGodly choo-choo like appendages.

The heathens who worship this beast also worship pirates(similar to Inju.., no wait, EXACTLY like Injuns), midgets and unsurprisingly Satan as well.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: False Religions Register

I feel the need to add the Pastafarians who worship a rather noodley Satan, Mrs. Rogers.

I'm sure your all are aware of the notorious flying spagetti monster and his unGodly choo-choo like appendages.

The heathens who worship this beast also worship pirates(similar to Inju.., no wait, EXACTLY like Injuns), midgets and unsurprisingly Satan as well.

Pastafarians! A sick and disgusting cult! Worse than catlickers. My skin crawls when I think of it.

[Rev. Carlton Green]

Re: Frozen Food Pollyanists

Mrs. Christianson,

With all due respect, I don't believe I have ever heard of the Pollyanists before as I always assumed people like that to just be plain idiots, but thank you for bringing the awareness of this to my attention. One more secret unGodly cult to chalk off to the dust!

-Rev. Green

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: False Religions Register

The Screamers are a bizarre cult that should be carefully tracked by the DOF.

In 1974 on Innisfree, off the coast of Donegal, Ireland, a group of free thinkers formed a community called the Atlantis Foundation. Their goals were simple: to live in harmony with their environment and in peace with each other.

The Atlantis Foundation may have remained low-key if it wasn’t for Primal Screaming Therapy - a way of removing angst by screaming your lungs out and thus reverting, so the theory goes, to your most primal self. The community members would wail away, happy in their private location.

But Ireland is a small place and it was only a matter of time before the locals in Burtonport found out. In no time at all they were known by all and sundry as “The Screamers”. Legend had it that, weather permitting, you could hear them screaming like banshees.

Before long, the Irish and UK media were taking boat rides out to see The Screamers, and they featured on many a tabloid front page. Questions were even asked about them in the Dail, and there was a wild rumour that the Health Board was sending Donegal children to them when hostels were full. In fact, very sincere and active members such as Mary Kelly and Jenny James, who founded the group, peopled the community. Kelly, a qualified midwife, delivered some of the island’s babies.

The group stayed on Innisfree until 1988 when a split led many of the members to found a community in Heya Grande, Colombia, still called the Atlantis Foundation. Others left for Baltimore in Cork.

One of those who went to Colombia was Tristan James Murray, born on Innisfree and delivered by Mary Kelly. On July 2000, aged 18, Tristan was kidnapped with another boy, Javier Nova, shot and then beheaded by Farc Urban Militia. The tragedy had a devastating effect on the group.

The Atlantis Foundation still exists in Colombia, Baltimore and Donegal. Mary Kelly went on to campaign for Palestinian rights in the Middle East and was arrested for damaging a US Air Force plane used to ferry military weapons to Iraq.

A group that spawns terrorists and spits on Jesus means only one thing: satan is hard at work, and God's Will shall prevail!

[Rev. Carlton Green]

Re: False Religions Register

What about the Piperpoopians?

They mostly live in Scotland, and they are known for their bizzare Satanic practice of playing the bagpipes while they are on the "waste bowl". They claim it appeases the Immortal Highlander Gods but in reality, it forces Jesus to put on his ear and nose plugs at the same time!


-a disturbed Mr. Green

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Re: False Religions Register

Injuns
Definition: Feather-sporting savages, their faces red from shame at having rejected Jesus, who masturbate with the scalps of Christians and scheme to steal our money through their monolithic network of sin-ridden casinos.
Worship: The Great Spirit (AKA Satan), lesser spirits (AKA Satan), and buffalo.

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Re: False Religions Register

Eskimos/Inu-nitwits
Definition: Basically Canadian Injuns, with a hearty dollop of Chink added for bad measure.
Worship: Their own urine, snow, and walruses (the Canadian version of buffalo). And Satan.

[Deaner]

Re: False Religions Register

who masturbate with the scalps of Christians

That's disgusting; I had no idea. How is it possible when you're dead drunk all the time?

Dean

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Re: False Religions Register

Apparently--and you must forgive me from filling your mind with such filth, but as Jesus said, Knoweth thine enemy as thou wouldst knoweth thy self--the hair allows for a very firm grip, and the blood, viscous as it is from the Spirit that flows continuously through it, is an extremely effective lubricant. This means that orgasm can be achieved promtly and with relatively little (forgive me) "skill," even if the Injun is heavily intoxicated.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: False Religions Register

Apparently--and you must forgive me from filling your mind with such filth, but as Jesus said, Knoweth thine enemy as thou wouldst knoweth thy self--the hair allows for a very firm grip, and the blood, viscous as it is from the Spirit that flows continuously through it, is an extremely effective lubricant. This means that orgasm can be achieved promtly and with relatively little (forgive me) "skill," even if the Injun is heavily intoxicated.

Ummm...could we have chapter and verse for that, please?
Thanking you in advance in Christ,
Temperance