A Condensed History of the World

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: A Condensed History of the World

[Jo Freddie]

Re: A Condensed History of the World

1700 to Today:
Of Pasta and Pirates

For centuries after that, no one messed with the Pirates, and the natural order of things was kept in balance. Although swag and grog sent many a ship to the bottom of the sea, losing important historical documentation in the process, the Pirates lived a life of peace and merriment, spreading His Word as far as places like Belgium.

They continued to celebrate Halloween and, during the last two months of every year, took time off from sailing the seas to relax and spend time with their families during their most holiest time of Holiday (Today, portions of this period are known as various holidays – Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, and others – expect at Wal-Mart, where it is still considered Holiday, as in “Happy Holiday, and Welcome to Wal-Mart”.). But there were dark storms on the horizon, and the Pirates did not know what evil awaited them.

Convinced of the inherent evil of Pirates, Hari Krishnas, who are descended from Ninjas, banded together at various seaports (And later airports) and declared a holy war against the Pirates, By tens of thousands, maybe even dozens, they boarded steel-plated kayaks and paddled out in search of Pirates, whom they intended to annihilate from the four corners of the earth. You might think that the FSM would have noticed the Hari Krishnas and protected His Chosen People, but He mistook the Krishnas for just another musical band of seagoing beggars, or maybe fishermen singing their shanties, and He let them pass unharmed. As the first Krishnas arrived at a Pirate ship on Halloween, the Pirates mistook them for overly dedicated trick-or-treaters. What followed next was mass slaughter as the Pirates tried to pass out treats while the Krishnas beat and sliced them to death with their double-bladed kayak paddles. Sadly, this pattern was repeated several times that day, the next year was even worse.

Eventually, the Pirates retreated to hidden coves where they could keep a lookout for the bloodthirsty Krishna. Was there something in the Krishnas’ singing that blinded the Pirates to their evil? We may never know. And while mainstream education tells us that Pirates were hunted down because they were thieves, killers, etc., this is largely a misinformation campaign propagated by the Krishnas and many other religions that banded together to begin their systematic assault on the Pirates’ worship of the FSM.

Hunted nearly to extinction, the Pirates were indeed quite pissed off for several centuries, and the textbooks reveal every detail of the looting and pillaging but are suspiciously quiet about the fact that Pirates were well known for passing out candy to children. (If you ever read a Pirate textbook, you’d think they were Jesus) The sad truth is that the other religions were jealous of the Pirates and their happy lifestyles – it’s that simple. Thankfully for the Pirates, the attacks eventually slowed down and then nearly stopped altogether as the other religions inevitably turned against one another. Which is where we find ourselves today.

While it is becoming common knowledge that declining Pirate numbers are a direct result of religious persecution, what is not yet known is what happened to the remaining Pirates and where they are located.

Sadly, many Pirates simply hid their treasures, gave away their giant turtles, and retired, moving to places like Ireland (Most Celtic artwork resembles the FSM, which leads us to believe many Pirates simply became druids, Also, there is a striking similarity between midgets and leprechauns) and ironically India (Possibly believing that all the Hari Krishnas had moved to California) Other hid out in the Straits of Malaysia, while others formed well-known sports franchises. What is little known about our mystical forerunners is that in addition to hiding treasure, Pirates sought to conceal their religious texts. In fact the treasure was included largely to ensure that others would go out and look for these documents in the future, during more tolerant times. On this count, the Pirates were widely successful, as there are still treasure hunters searching for ancient Pirate loot. Unfortunately, many of our original texts have been lost, as their importance was overlooked, being mistaken for recipes I some cases.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: A Condensed History of the World

Does this revelation of the truth have you speechless Pastor Ezekiel?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: A Condensed History of the World

tl/dr

Does this revelation of the truth have you speechless Pastor Ezekiel?

[Jo Freddie]

Re: A Condensed History of the World

Two Thousand-Five Hundred Years Ago:
The Golden Age of Pirates

What happened next is still a mystery. Mankind up until this time had been successfully duped by the FSM, wrongly believing that natural explanations couls explain our origins. One would think that the FSM Himself would be pleased by this, as He had gone to so much trouble disguising His creation work. But for whatever reason, He felt the need to expose the truth to us. This was the date, some twenty-five hundred years ago, that he first revealed His Noddly Appendage to us, showing us the way, From this point on, those who accepted His message knew that we were to live a certain way – on the water in great wooden ships, loaded with grog, swag, and hopefully, wenches. This was His will, and so it was done.

Unfortunately, many of the details from this era are lost to us, possibly because many of the ships sank, due to overloading. Swag is very heavy, and these, the first Pastafarians, showed less then 100 percent perfect judgment, having drunk too much grog. What we do know, though, is that this was the Golden Age of the Pirate lifestyle. Millions, possibly hundreds, of Pirate ships roamed the world’s oceans and maybe lakes, searching for a good time, spreading joy and maybe VD to whomever they made contact with.

What we’re told of Pirates in history books today is blatantly wrong, Thieves and outcasts they were not – these were His Chosen People, the ones who listened and followed His divine plan, whatever it was. The commonly propagated myth that Pirates were thieves can be traced, unsurprisingly to the Christian theologists of the Middle Ages. It’s just another example of the discrimination and misinformation that we’ve had to contend with over the years, and another reason Pastafarians have been so secretive about their beliefs.

Regardless of the lies told about them, the first Pastafarians were peace-loving explorers and spreaders of goodwill, not bloodthirsty criminal Pirates. In fact, they were well known to distribute candy to passing children, thus establishing what is now known as Halloween.

Of course is was not all good times. Not everyone was a believer, and some rejected His Word and felt the need to go out on the ocean in their own (probably lame) ships and pipck fights with the Pastafarians. Most notable was Noah, of biblical fame, who slapped together a monstrous barge made of wood and whatever else was around – probably dirt, who knows? Noah, well known for his love (Perverted coveting) of animals, always had plenty around. So when he found himself with a lack of building materials, he decided to use hundreds of defenceless animals as ballast – mainly the slowest, dumbest, and most dense that he could come across.

It’s not known exactly what occurred during this time of Noah and the Pirates, but enough historical texts have survived through the years to get a rough picture of the events that transpired. Noah, alone except for his animals/ballast, propelled by jealousy and maybe a group of talking seals, set forth in search of Pastafarians. Unfortunately for Noah, he found one of the most bad-ass Pirate ships around, and started talking way too much smack. The Pastafarians, being above all peaceful, and maybe drunk, ignored his verbal abuse. It was only when Noah, ever the dick, physically attacked the Pastafarian ship by hurling from his bow the pointiest of animals (Possibly these were porcupines. Also, some scholars believe that Noah might have hurled stab-rabbits, a since extinct species of rabbit possessing weaponlike points all over its body. Despite their love of sex, the stab-rabbits ultimately went extinct because they could not bring themselves to go through with copulation, the pain being too great – much like modern-day men who are married to fatties.) that the Pastafarians took notice. We are told that the largest, scariest of the Pastafarians swam, or maybe just jumped, from ship to ship – they were that powerful – and confronted Noah.

Immediately seeing the error of his ways, Noah offered some turtles or something as way of apologizing. The Pastafarians probably having plenty of their own turtles, (Giant ones for riding) said no to the deal, and proceeded to intimidate the bejesus out of Noah. We don’t know exactly what was said, but it’s clear that Noah wet himself to such an extent that even the Christians associate him with “the Great Flood” (Although they have wisely developed another description of events.) Needless to say, he never mistreated animals again – not even chickens, who are pretty much asking for it. (There are no mentions of Pirates or grog, and only a few of wenches in the Christian Bible.)

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: A Condensed History of the World

tl/dr

[Jo Freddie]

Five Thousand Years Ago:
The Beginning

THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER created the universe and a bunch of planets, including Earth. No one except Himself was around to see it, but we suspect it was rather dull. The initial creation, obviously, must have been spectacular, but He then spent the next ten to one hundred years painstakingly preparing the universe to appear older then it actually is. Photons were placed individually, en route to earth, ostensibly emitted millions of years ago from stars across the galaxy. In reality, we know that each proton was divinely placed and red-shifted (The universe appears to be expanding, much like cooked pasta, as illustrated by observed light from distant galaxies shifting toward the Marinara Spectrum. Some scientists cite this as support for His preference for red sauce, but they are most likely idiots) appropriately to make the universe appear to be billions of years old. We are still finding His camouflage methods at work today; each time scientists discover apparent evidence of billions-of-years-old universe, we can be assured that this is just more elaborate preparation He put in place.
Earth was created in approximately 0.062831853 seconds and was similarly disguised to appear much older. We can be certain that the FSM spent even more time preparing the earth, because, being all-knowing, He was well aware that soon enough there would be nosy people poking around everywhere. Know as “scientists,” these nosy people have a sick need – probably sexually motivated (As evidence of sexual motivation on the part of scientists, let’s choose an occupation at random, say genecology. These so-called professionals spend their entire lives looking at female sex organs – or poontang, as it’s known in academic circles. Look a little deeper into the fold, and you will find that nearly 99 percent of all gynaecologists have a scientific background. To illustrate just how significant that is, pick another group at random – say myself. I’m not a scientist, and I hardly ever see female sex organs. I find it hard to believe this is just a coincidence. I’m not saying all scientists are perverts, but I think it’s safe to say the nearly all of them are) – to figure out how things work, and so it was even more important that our apparent reality be well designed to hide the truth.
Our Noodly Creator then placed fossils, hidden under the earth’s surface, knowing that they would later be found – thus, seemingly proving that these creatures existed some time ago. Dinosaur bones, for example, were placed so well and in such numbers that it’s widely belived dinosaurs roamed the earth millions of years ago. Interestingly, dinosaurs did exist, but not millions of years ago, because, of course, how could they have existed before the earth was even here? In reality they lived with us, alongside – and occasionally on top of – humans around three thousand years ago.
You may wonder why we find no bones from dinosaurs from this era, and rightly so. But keep in mind that dinosaurs don’t actually have bones - the whole dinosaurs had bones thing is all an elaborate hoax planned for His own divine amusement. Real dinosaurs, as any enlightened palaeontologist – or bone doctor, as they prefer to be called – will tell you, were able to stand erect by engorging selected muscles with blood, making the once flaccid limb rigid. By alternating which muscles were engorged in the correct sequence, a very effective locomotion and rudimentary skeletal structure was achieved. Some readers may recognize that this mechanism is similar to what happens in the male penis. Dinosaurs were, in essence, not much more than a massive collection of penises (penii) under a thick skin. While very few accurate descriptions of these creatures have existed into present times, we can be pleased to learn that awareness of them has propagated generationally in our culture. Most men don’t even realize that when they exaggerate the size of their penis – referring to it as “monstrous” or “dinosaur-like” – they are helping to keep alive the hidden truth of the strange and horny beasts we know as dinosaurs.
Some time later, as society progressed, the attention of mankind moved away from dinosaurs – by now they had been conquered and placed under the control of men for work and play – and instead man turned to philosophical thought. The question of our origins came up, and it was decided, based on the apparent natural evidence, that all creatures had evolved from a common ancestor over time some millions of years ago.