Christian Pornography?!? Graphic Sex Toy Photos!

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Brothers and Sisters, I am (yet again) beside myself with disgust and righteous True Christian™ rage! I was innocently surfing the internets when I stumbled accidentally on this outrage!

How in the name of God could even the most perverted false Christian IMAGINE that selling objects that are designed to be forced into cooters could be thought of as even SLIGHTLY Christian!?!?! This is some of the smut and disinformation from that disgusting website page:

Welcome to Christian Love Toys!

Christian Love Toys' mission is to provide a safe and sexy place for married couples to shop for ways to enhance their marriages with sex toys, lubes, massage lotions, vibrators, romantic games and much more. Christian sex is awesome!

Now, as most of you know, I consider it my Christian DUTY to scour the internets for all things perverted so that the rest of you may be protected from just this sort of filth! I will not post images of the filth I found, as any of our Ladies of Landover that see them might be overcome with disgust and faint in front of their computer monitors.

A simple listing of some of the objects should give you all an idea just how sick this place is! I have replaced certain porn words with gentler versions. If you MUST know the original wording, there is a brief glossary at the very end of the post.

Down There Massager

Frisky Finger Waterproof Vibrator

Doc Johnson Pocket Missle 6" Vibrator

Fun Factory Dinky Digger 2 Waterproof Vibrator

Doc Johnson Petite Flower Imaginary Ladypart Daisy Vibrator

Fun Factroy Stranger 6.75" Waterproof Vibrator

Doc Johnson Deep Desire 7.5" Vibrator

Doc Johnson Intruder 7" Slim Vibrator

Tingling Tongue Waterproof Vibrator

Better Than Any Finger Massager

Berman Lady Godiva

Cal Exotic Cooter Button-riffic Vibrator

Rechargeable 10" Rabbit Jelly Imaginary Ladypart Vibrator 7x Massager

First Tingle 5.5" Cooter Button & Imaginary Ladypart Vibrator Soft Massager

Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket Plus 6" Cooter Button Massage Vibrator

They also sell flavored lubes(?), edible panties (!), and flavored condoms (?!?) Did you notice what all those have in common?!? Hello, they are encouraging ORAL SODOMY! Because, as all True Christians™ know, the only kind of marital relations that Jesus approves of involves ONE tallywhacker and ONE cooter, preferably done very quickly in total darkness while praying for forgiveness!









Cooter Button = Clitoris
Imaginary Ladypart = G Spot
Down There = Crotch

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Christian Pornography?!? Graphic Sex Toy Photos!

Just another shady business willing to spit in Baby Jesus's face for a few extra bucks. As a pastor and televangelist, I am outraged that someone would exploit Christianity to make money off of gullible people.

There is nothing Christian about sex toys or sexual perversions. Sex is for making babies only. You can't make soldiers for Christ if you're munching on your wife or she's gagging on you. And condoms? Don't they know that sperm are pre-fetuses?

And don't get me started on the lube. First you and you wife experiment by putting it "back there", then before you know it, curiosity gets the better of you and you're down at the gay bar, getting hot and heavy in the toilets with some some shaved-head guy in a black mesh shirt with nipple rings and rock-hard abs.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Christian Pornography?!? Graphic Sex Toy Photos!

And don't get me started on the lube. First you and you wife experiment by putting it "back there", then before you know it, curiosity gets the better of you and you're down at the gay bar, getting hot and heavy in the toilets with some some shaved-head guy in a black mesh shirt with nipple rings and rock-hard abs.

In this anal sex based culture nowadays even nominal "Christians" are changing the religion to make it okay for a man to go spelunking in his wife's mud cave. I'm sure Jesus is dry heaving right now as millions of Americans experiment with anal play, completely burying various appendages in ointment and feces. Anal play has destroyed many once powerful nations. Now that our millitary is doing it openly it is only a matter of time before we are destroyed from the inside out, like a collective AIDS victim.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Christian Pornography?!? Graphic Sex Toy Photos!

Dear Lord, here's another one! This website page is called BooK22! These smutmongers claim the Book of Solomon says that recreational sex with your wife is ENCOURAGED by God! What a load of melarkey!

Unlike the other site that seemed focused almost exclusively on jamming various objects up the cooters of decent Christian women, this site ALSO sells devices designed to make a man spill his seed OUTSIDE of his wife's baby oven!

That absolutely tears it! They are actively trying to get Christian men to yank one off, in clear defiance of the KJV 1611! Hello, God killed Onan for spilling his seed on the ground, and here these perverts are try to sell these rubber cooters to Christians!

I will only post descriptions, as images of the devices themselves are far too disgusting for our True Christian™ forum.

THE MAVEN-

100% Elastomer non-toxic, phthalate free.
Easy to clean stimulation sleeve for the husband. Opening on one end only and filled with many stimulation bumps inside.
This product is helpful when a married couple is unable to normally have sexaul intercourse.


THE HEAD HONCHO-

Is a 5" long silicone, stimulation sleeve. It has a snug fit, but is still stretchy.
Inside, there are three suction cavities, and as you stroke the Head Honcho up and down, it creates a pleasurable vacuum.
Waterbased lubricant recommended.


THE STIMULATION SLEEVE-

Ultra Skin is softer than silicone, non-toxic, phthalate, vinyl-free,and warm to the touch. Made of polymer and best used with water or silicone based lubricant. Ultraskin has no hyper allergenic reaction and the ingredients are FDA approved. This product is helpful when a married couple is unable to normally have sexaul intercourse.
4 3/4" long

I spent a just few hours today on both of these sights, but I am danged far from finished with these false Christian perverts! Who knows what other blasphemies I might find on these pages and others like them! You can thank me later for my tireless work rooting out these perverts. Pray that I have the strength to do the Lord's work!

[Joenat456]

Re: Christian Pornography?!? Graphic Sex Toy Photos!

This is completely unacceptable! How can a website like this go about parading around as a Christian website and solicit these things?!

This must be stopped at all costs. Thank God that you are here to catch these things on the internet.

[Born Again Bob]

Re: Christian Pornography?!? Graphic Sex Toy Photos!

Dear Friend,

This must be stopped at all costs.

Amen!

Speaking of which, there's the small matter of your tithe...

Yours in His Fiscal Probity,
BAB <------ Cherubic Comptroller