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I'm sure some of you have been wondering where I have been these past few months. On the advice of my legal council I have decided to disclose all of the necessary information to the public about my mysterious disappearance. While I have made few posts between the months of May and July I assure you those were merely to keep up appearances so that the public would not be alarmed by my sudden departure from the airwaves. Those posts on these forums were not up to my standard of excellence and I feel it is time I stepped forward and told my tale of addiction, debauchery, and redemption. Hopefully by reading this I can strengthen the heart of at least one person, making this all worth while.
My tale begins two months ago when my past legal troubles, namely my well-publicized involvement in the Michael Vick dog fighting scandal and my son's recent arrest for operating a homemade meth-lab, had taken a toll on my savings. The legal fees were astronomical and the lawyers at Mr. Poppageorgio's Law Firm and Olive Oil Company, now known as Mr. Poppageorgio's Olive Oil Company and Law Firm LLC (for legal purposes), informed me that I had a week to pay my legal fees or they'd break my thumbs. With little choice I paid the fees which left me financially crippled. Unable to put even the cheapest farm-raised lobster on my family's table I was stuck looking for a second job. The stress of finding a second job and getting the money to get my son back (Mr. Poppageorgio's Olive Oil Company and Law Firm LLC was holding him as collateral) caused me to develop an ingrown toenail which required immediate operation.
I put two of my cars up for sale and used the money to pay for the operation. Still not having enough money to afford such luxuries as hospitals or beds or licensed surgeons I went to a back-door surgeon ("No questions asked") where I was treated using Chloroform as an anesthetic. When I awoke I was in good heath, everything had gone off without a hitch. Unfortunately as the days went by my hunger for more Chloroform grew and grew. I went back to the doctor but he wouldn't give me more so I went to a local University where the chemistry majors were more than happy to sell me some.
One bottle was never enough and every day I was going back to my dealers for more. After a long day at the station delivering half-assed shows where I was too stoned to even think straight I would go home and douse a tie-dyed handkerchief in some sweet, sweet Chloroform and then I was off to anywhere I wanted to go.
Eventually the chloroform wasn't enough and the grad students I was buying the stuff from were pushing me to try harder chemicals and industrial cleaning products like formaldehyde, Drano and anti-freeze. All the fun of huffing chloroform was wearing off and soon I was doing it everywhere. At work I'd walk into the bathroom during commercial breaks and huff a little off of a paper towel. If I went to upscale clubs like Hooters or Applebees after work with some of my friends I would find myself in the bathroom stuffing five dollar bills soaked in the stuff into my mouth. My habit was getting out of control and it was becoming hard to hide my addiction. Hiding the empty bottles and soaked rags was becoming harder and harder and when the grad students wouldn't sell me anymore I had to take to the streets, buying the stuff from less-than-reputable chemists and scientists. You don't know what hell is like until you wake up in a gutter, a bottle of chloroform in one hand, a soaked rag over your face and a raccoon eating bread crumbs off of your crotch.
Luckily the feds were looking into the illegal sale of chloroform in the Des Moines area and I was quickly named. As a trusted name in political punditry and a personal friend of several congressmen no charges were brought to me but I was required to go to rehab to fight my addiction. I tried getting on the second season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" but apparently Andy Dick is a bigger celebrity than me so I had to go through my rehabilitation with quiet dignity rather than public spectacle.
Folks I have always been committed to my listeners and I am damn ashamed by my behavior these last few months. I've let you all down by becoming addicted to chloroform and it affected my work and my home life. I want you all to know that I have been battling ingrown toenails for years now and the pain of going through such an operation can be unbearable, so much so that one may turn to drugs and deadly chemical compounds to ease the pain. I just want you all to know that I'm not like those dead-heads that enjoy marijuana on a recreational basis and will do everything I can to fight teen drug abuse from now on. For anyone that has ever gotten a hold of a bottle of chloroform and thought it would be "hip" or "rad" to huff some I have only one thing to say: It isn't worth it. Sure you may get some kicks but in the long run it isn't worth it. I'm reminded every day of the affects my addiction had on me and I will never be the same as a result.
My tale begins two months ago when my past legal troubles, namely my well-publicized involvement in the Michael Vick dog fighting scandal and my son's recent arrest for operating a homemade meth-lab, had taken a toll on my savings. The legal fees were astronomical and the lawyers at Mr. Poppageorgio's Law Firm and Olive Oil Company, now known as Mr. Poppageorgio's Olive Oil Company and Law Firm LLC (for legal purposes), informed me that I had a week to pay my legal fees or they'd break my thumbs. With little choice I paid the fees which left me financially crippled. Unable to put even the cheapest farm-raised lobster on my family's table I was stuck looking for a second job. The stress of finding a second job and getting the money to get my son back (Mr. Poppageorgio's Olive Oil Company and Law Firm LLC was holding him as collateral) caused me to develop an ingrown toenail which required immediate operation.
I put two of my cars up for sale and used the money to pay for the operation. Still not having enough money to afford such luxuries as hospitals or beds or licensed surgeons I went to a back-door surgeon ("No questions asked") where I was treated using Chloroform as an anesthetic. When I awoke I was in good heath, everything had gone off without a hitch. Unfortunately as the days went by my hunger for more Chloroform grew and grew. I went back to the doctor but he wouldn't give me more so I went to a local University where the chemistry majors were more than happy to sell me some.
One bottle was never enough and every day I was going back to my dealers for more. After a long day at the station delivering half-assed shows where I was too stoned to even think straight I would go home and douse a tie-dyed handkerchief in some sweet, sweet Chloroform and then I was off to anywhere I wanted to go.
Eventually the chloroform wasn't enough and the grad students I was buying the stuff from were pushing me to try harder chemicals and industrial cleaning products like formaldehyde, Drano and anti-freeze. All the fun of huffing chloroform was wearing off and soon I was doing it everywhere. At work I'd walk into the bathroom during commercial breaks and huff a little off of a paper towel. If I went to upscale clubs like Hooters or Applebees after work with some of my friends I would find myself in the bathroom stuffing five dollar bills soaked in the stuff into my mouth. My habit was getting out of control and it was becoming hard to hide my addiction. Hiding the empty bottles and soaked rags was becoming harder and harder and when the grad students wouldn't sell me anymore I had to take to the streets, buying the stuff from less-than-reputable chemists and scientists. You don't know what hell is like until you wake up in a gutter, a bottle of chloroform in one hand, a soaked rag over your face and a raccoon eating bread crumbs off of your crotch.
Luckily the feds were looking into the illegal sale of chloroform in the Des Moines area and I was quickly named. As a trusted name in political punditry and a personal friend of several congressmen no charges were brought to me but I was required to go to rehab to fight my addiction. I tried getting on the second season of VH1's "Celebrity Rehab" but apparently Andy Dick is a bigger celebrity than me so I had to go through my rehabilitation with quiet dignity rather than public spectacle.
Folks I have always been committed to my listeners and I am damn ashamed by my behavior these last few months. I've let you all down by becoming addicted to chloroform and it affected my work and my home life. I want you all to know that I have been battling ingrown toenails for years now and the pain of going through such an operation can be unbearable, so much so that one may turn to drugs and deadly chemical compounds to ease the pain. I just want you all to know that I'm not like those dead-heads that enjoy marijuana on a recreational basis and will do everything I can to fight teen drug abuse from now on. For anyone that has ever gotten a hold of a bottle of chloroform and thought it would be "hip" or "rad" to huff some I have only one thing to say: It isn't worth it. Sure you may get some kicks but in the long run it isn't worth it. I'm reminded every day of the affects my addiction had on me and I will never be the same as a result.
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