Great News!!

[Gregory Mitch]

As some of you may know, I have had minimal amounts of time on the forum recently. I have been very busy. We have decided to move! We have decided to move to Winston Salem, a town not far from where we live now. I have heard good rumors of many godly people and baptist churches there. Is this true? My wife suggested that we move to some place called "Ashvill". At further inspection, it seems it is a town full of hippies, and the only churches are cat-lick and meth-o-dicks. We expect to move in two weeks. Hopefully we will have a much better life there.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Great News!!

As some of you may know, I have had minimal amounts of time on the forum recently. I have been very busy. We have decided to move! We have decided to move to Winston Salem, a town not far from where we live now. I have heard good rumors of many godly people and baptist churches there. Is this true? My wife suggested that we move to some place called "Ashvill". At further inspection, it seems it is a town full of hippies, and the only churches are cat-lick and meth-o-dicks. We expect to move in two weeks. Hopefully we will have a much better life there.

Has your Pastor recommended a good independent Baptist Church that you can attend in Winston Salem? That's the only way to be certain. Listening to your wife is like drinking seawater.

[Gregory Mitch]

Re: Great News!!

We have just moved into our new home yesterday. We just finished moving all of our things. We are very happy to be here. We have met some of our new neighbors, and they are all white, heterosexual Christians. We hope to have a better life here.
Here is a picture of our new home:

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Great News!!

I assume there's a menstra hut, right?

[WWJDnow]

Re: Great News!!

I can't recommend any specific churches in Asheville, but I do have some rules of thumb to guide you as you visit churches:

1) Listen to several sermons. Count the number of times the preacher says "sin" and the number of times he says "love." If the sin to love ratio is not at least 3:1, then it's a fluffy bunny church. Avoid it.

2) Watch the people as they enter and leave the church. Do the women follow behind the men? If so, that's a very good sign, because a True Christian™ woman follows God's commandment to be subservient to her husband.

3) Look around at the people in the church. Are they your kind of people? (I think you know what I mean here). The last thing you want is to have obese negro women dancing in the aisles while you're conversing with Jesus.

4) Talk to some of the congregants to see what their opinions are on theological issues. Do they believe that Heaven and Hell are real places? Do they think that most people will wind up burning in Hell forever in agony? Do they only vote for politicians who have signed Grover Norquist's no more taxes pledge? Do they have gun racks on their trucks? Do they recognize that evolution is just a conspiracy by so-called scientists? These are all good signs.

5) Speaking of vehicles, if there is even a single Prius in the church lot on Sunday morning, run away. Fast.

6) Are they waving their hands around and speaking in tongues during the services? If so, they're Pentacostals, and you will want to avoid them. I'm not saying that they're bad Christians (they aren't), or that they'll lead you down the path to Hell (they won't), but just that, as you walk the path of Salvation, you'll look ridiculous if you're worshipping with them. Do you really want Jesus to ask you on Judgment Day whether you had a seizure disorder that was triggered every time you entered His House?

[Gregory Mitch]

Re: Great News!!

I can't recommend any specific churches in Asheville

I am in a town called Winston Salem.