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  • Mary Etheldreda
    Gushing for Jesus
     
    • Sep 2011
    • 23775
    #16
    Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

    Originally posted by James Hutchins View Post
    Happy Birthday, Mrs. Etheldreda. I assume you are making a nice dinner for your husband and not gabbing up a storm.

    Remember, if it was not for God and your father, you would not be able to serve your husband. You should be on your knees in front of both of them showing them your love.
    Mr. Hutchins, you are so right! I have been taking extra good care of Mr. Etheldreda today, as is his right as the head of the family. I would never do anything that annoys him on this, his special day where he is shown the utmost gratitude and honor for providing me with the only means to Salvation known to man after the terrible thing Eve did, and thus brought shame and humiliation to all women, of which I am one (1 Timothy 2:14-15).
    Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

      Comment

      • Mary Etheldreda
        Gushing for Jesus
         
        • Sep 2011
        • 23775
        #17
        Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

        Originally posted by Basilissa View Post
        Have a very happy Birthday, Sister Mary E.!

        Thank you, dear Sister! This is such a lovely cake! I deserve no such luxuries! Logically I deserve nothing but the most flaming corner of Hell. It is only by the Grace of God that I am not suffering untold horrors right now! He is so good!

        God is good, all the time!
        All the time, God is good!

        When people burn in Hell, God is good!
        When people lose their homes, God is good!
        When people die in fiery car crashes, God is good!
        When people lose their favored pets, God is good!

        I will Praise His Name ever more, no matter what my flesh may experience, no matter what my soul may suffer, no matter what my mind may wish. I will wait patiently until He calls me Home, so I can praise His Holy Name right to His Holy Face!
        Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

          Comment

          • Mary Etheldreda
            Gushing for Jesus
             
            • Sep 2011
            • 23775
            #18
            Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

            Originally posted by Dr Laurence Niles View Post
            Dear sister, today of all days makes it a tad more easy to bring up an important point that I expect many of the congregation have been thinking.

            Your age.

            I know this is a sticky toffee pudding of a diddly but dare I say that your quiving may be as full as it can get and there can be no reason for Jesus to keep you here, in this cess pool of a fallen world with all of it's rapists (anal), bestiality enthusiasts and smut pedlers.

            Now as you have not confided in us about any such clarion call to glory such as the cancer, colonic recidivism or third degree post partum haemorrhage I wonder if Mr Etheldrada has anything to worry about.

            To put it bluntly, today marks yet another year where your good husband could be filling another quiver with his virile manseed to pregestate nascent Soldiers for Christ but you are still here.

            Can Mr Etheldrad by sure of your Godliness when you have not given him spawn in nearly 10 months (by your physician's records as he explained to me over 18 holes the other week)?

            Your physician assures me that you have no major ills or ailments (he showed my the records himself and you must thank Mr Etheldra for signing the concent forms for me to see your records) (although you may need to avoid spicy foods until that rash goes) so why has Jesus not called you to His muscular bosom?

            A tricky question and you will know that Mr Etheldrada is far too much of a gentleman to raise this issue to you privately so I've taken it on myself to wonder, if tangentially, whether you can provide a reason for the above suppositions in no uncertain terms to the effect of (as impositionatory as it may be) and not withstanding reasonable logical explanations (as such quite apart from a Biblical answer) why you are still alive?

            But it's your day today, so many happy returns!

            YIC
            Doctor, your words touch me deeply! They reach right down to my heart and pierce it with a Truth that cannot be denied! While I will admit that my flesh is horrified that my doctor talked with you and God only knows who else in the church about the state of my uterus, my spirit soars with Christ and so I shall not weep in utter humiliation as my flesh would trick me into doing. You are so correct that Mr. Etheldreda deserves better. He deserves so much more than I can ever provide him, and why the Good LORD would choose me as the vessel to keep him humbly grounded I will never know this side of Heaven. And yet rejoice I shall! I hope you will join me in praising Him for answering my prayers of renewed life in my womb, even though Satan would try and convince my flesh to comply with the practices of age and dry up in defeat. I will Praise Him for answering my prayer, even though He has not yet. I will not be defeated because HE is not defeated!

            Amen and AMEN!
            Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

              Comment

              • Faith_Machine
                Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                True Christian™
                • Mar 2011
                • 10049
                #19
                Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                Sister Mary, what is all this nonsense you're saying about Jesus not having a soul? Have you been drinking?
                WARNING:
                In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                  Comment

                  • Mary Etheldreda
                    Gushing for Jesus
                     
                    • Sep 2011
                    • 23775
                    #20
                    Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                    Originally posted by Faith_Machine View Post
                    Sister Mary, what is all this nonsense you're saying about Jesus not having a soul? Have you been drinking?
                    Oh Faith Machine! I find this so puzzling! When I try to think these things through, I get so confused! Sometimes I forget what I'm doing and burn the dinner and then I must start all over before Mr. Etheldreda gets home, whenever that may be. I just don't know what to think any more and I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. What if thinking about this is really a sin and I should accept it as a Mystery of Faith and stop asking questions? What if I'm supposed to ask questions because the LORD promises wisdom to those who ask? I'm not wise enough to know the answer to that question, so I think I should continue to ask. But what if it offends Him and gives the impression of putting my Lord to the test? I would just die if Jesus ever thought I didn't love and adore and worship Him every minute of every day! I don't want Him to think I don't trust Him, but I just don't know what to think or what to do about my thoughts even!
                    Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                      Comment

                      • Faith_Machine
                        Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
                        True Christian™
                        • Mar 2011
                        • 10049
                        #21
                        Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                        Jesus knows what is in your heart, my dear, and I feel certain He is well pleased with its contents, daft though they may be.

                        Speaking of Mr. Etheldrada, he asked me to inform you that we will be home rather late tonight, so you should hold off on preparing the roast duck until about midnight. Also, he asks that you please make sure the walnuts in his before-dinner salad are candied walnuts.

                        Apparently last time you forgot, and just put regular walnuts.

                        PS: He was at Walgreen's when I spoke to him, so I expect he's picking up an extra-special present for your birthday!
                        WARNING:
                        In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
                        REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

                          Comment

                          • Brother Harold Porter
                            Landover Senior Outreach
                            Touching Men, Women and Children with the Good News!
                            True Christian™
                            • Jun 2010
                            • 8236
                            #22
                            Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                            Praise Christ, my Sister!

                            Click image for larger version Name: His.jpg Views: 1 Size: 17.5 KB ID: 1920394

                            See yourself as God sees you-as a daughter of the King. Toss aside your own insecurities and break out of the mold the media has created for you. You are a princess and in these letters penned from God's perspective, you'll begin to discover just how dear you are to Him-how lovingly created you were to be in fellowship with Him. Walk your faith in confidence again as you find your rightful place as royalty. A Focus on the Family Recommendation.
                            What a great read, even for women!

                            In Christ
                            Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."

                            sigpic

                              Comment

                              • Mary Etheldreda
                                Gushing for Jesus
                                 
                                • Sep 2011
                                • 23775
                                #23
                                Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                                Originally posted by Brother Harold Porter View Post
                                Praise Christ, my Sister!t
                                This looks just wonderful, Mr. Porter! It reminds me of the lovely book, The Princess and the Kiss: A Story of God's Gift of Purity. Although I've given my Kiss to Mr. Etheldreda already, my Heart's Kiss belongs to Jesus, and I simply cannot WAIT until my Heavenly Wedding Day!

                                Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                                  Comment

                                  • Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson
                                    Forum Member
                                    Forum Member
                                    • Jun 2014
                                    • 1330
                                    #24
                                    Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                                    Happy birthday, Mrs. Etheldreda! You are a shining light to all women and the unsaved of this world. May Jesus bless you abundantly with many more children, and then take you in His loving arms.
                                    "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1

                                      Comment

                                      • Mary Etheldreda
                                        Gushing for Jesus
                                         
                                        • Sep 2011
                                        • 23775
                                        #25
                                        Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                                        Originally posted by Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson View Post
                                        Happy birthday, Mrs. Etheldreda! You are a shining light to all women and the unsaved of this world. May Jesus bless you abundantly with many more children, and then take you in His loving arms.
                                        Thank you, Mrs. Johnson! That is so kind of you to say! I too pray Jesus blesses me abundantly with many more children, and of course the continued patience to accept the blessings I already have. Some days I swear, I lie down and think He will take me Home that very night, and I smile in anticipation of our Wedding Feast and our True Love being expressed face to face - in a totally spiritual and not physical kind of way because I love Jesus but I don't think of Him like that - but His desire is for me to wake up and spend another day tending to my many blessings, the care of my home, the many needs of Mr. Etheldreda. But it's not a burden. I bear this gift with joy and thanksgiving, even when my flesh is screaming in my back and my IBS acts up just thinking about what to prepare for the evening meal. Thank you, Jesus!
                                        Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

                                          Comment

                                          • Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson
                                            Forum Member
                                            Forum Member
                                            • Jun 2014
                                            • 1330
                                            #26
                                            Re: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Sister Mary Etheldreda!

                                            Originally posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
                                            Thank you, Mrs. Johnson! That is so kind of you to say! I too pray Jesus blesses me abundantly with many more children, and of course the continued patience to accept the blessings I already have. Some days I swear, I lie down and think He will take me Home that very night, and I smile in anticipation of our Wedding Feast and our True Love being expressed face to face - in a totally spiritual and not physical kind of way because I love Jesus but I don't think of Him like that - but His desire is for me to wake up and spend another day tending to my many blessings, the care of my home, the many needs of Mr. Etheldreda. But it's not a burden. I bear this gift with joy and thanksgiving, even when my flesh is screaming in my back and my IBS acts up just thinking about what to prepare for the evening meal. Thank you, Jesus!
                                            Blessed are you for enduring the pain Jesus has blessed you with! I hope the following verses encourage and bless you -- "Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5, "Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." Matthew 5:12, and "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1

                                            Yours in Christ,
                                            Sister Elizabeth
                                            "Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands." Proverbs 14:1

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