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  • Mary Etheldreda
    Gushing for Jesus
     
    • Sep 2011
    • 23775
    #1

    Jesus Takes The Wheel Again: Plucks Out Eye So Man Can Enter Heaven

    Taxi driver beat his wife, then discovered it is better to enter heaven with one eye than hell with two

    This former no-good, atheist, communist, indian wife-beater used to beat his wife, not for godly reasons but because he was a drunken atheist communist bastard with no morals and a bottomless pit of anger and self-loathing. He hated Jesus so much he refused to let her read her Holy Bible, forcing her to do so when he wasn't around. Well, one night when he was drunk, he beat her within an inch of her life, took off in his taxi, and Jesus took the wheel!

    Praise Jesus!

    Rewarding the faithful wife for remaining submissive (1 Corinthians 11:3), for not giving up on the promises found only in the Holy Bible, Jesus orchestrated an epic car crash that specifically claimed the eyeball of the drunken husband. Imagine the man's relief to learn that even when he was a sinner, Jesus loved him enough to have died for him (Romans 5:8), and also enough to pluck his eye out for him.
    And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye,
    rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.
    Matthew 18:9
    Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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    • Johny Joe Hold
      Mayor of Freehold
       
      • Feb 2010
      • 12680
      #2
      Re: Jesus Takes The Wheel Again: Plucks Out Eye So Man Can Enter Heaven

      When Jesus takes the wheel, the car ride always ends happily. Sometime it takes a life and sometimes an eyeball to deliver Jesus' message.
      Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.

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