Alternatives to suicide

[Bubba Buck]

Suicide is a bad thing. What are some things True Christians would suggest those who want to kill themselves do instead of suicide?

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Alternatives to suicide

Have you considered reading the Bible cover to cover? Only takes a couple months. Your feelings of sadness will be replaced with tremendous joy.

[Roland]

Re: Alternatives to suicide

Hello Bubba,

As I am not a True Christian(TM) I cannot give you the advice you are asking for. I do have some alternatives though: Scuba diving and mountain biking. There is a small chance those activities might kill you but I am certain the chance of you dying by participating in these are smaller than the chance of you dying by committing suicide.

While biking or diving you will probably be too distracted to think about suicide, that´s a plus. Both activities go well with a beer and a pasta dinner afterwards which, if served/prepared correctly, should further reduce your enthusiasm for committing suicide.

Hope this helps and kind regards,

Roland

[Didymus Much]

Re: Alternatives to suicide

Suicide is a bad thing. What are some things True Christians would suggest those who want to kill themselves do instead of suicide?

Sell unboxed cigarettes outside an MTA station.

Wait, you're white, that won't work. Hmmm....

Try reporting a possible sexual assault, then when the police arrive, approach their vehicle, in plain sight, clearly unarmed, and no threat.

Wait, you're male and not Australian, that won't work. Hmmm....

Stop some shitbag racist Trump voter from harassing and threatening a couple of innocent schoolgirls on the bus.

Wait, you're not a twice-decorated Army veteran, that won't work. Hmmm....

Ok, I got nothing.

[Callisto]

Re: Alternatives to suicide

You could always displease God enough that he sends a natural disaster to smite the sinful.

No, wait. In the Donald States of America that tends to be the more Christian areas that get smote...

[refridgerator]

Re: Alternatives to suicide

Have you considered reading the Bible cover to cover? Only takes a couple months. Your feelings of sadness will be replaced with tremendous joy.

How about if he is an idiot who cannot understand what he reads, except simple things?

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Alternatives to suicide

Sell unboxed cigarettes outside an MTA station.

Wait, you're white, that won't work. Hmmm....

Try reporting a possible sexual assault, then when the police arrive, approach their vehicle, in plain sight, clearly unarmed, and no threat.

Wait, you're male and not Australian, that won't work. Hmmm....

Stop some shitbag racist Trump voter from harassing and threatening a couple of innocent schoolgirls on the bus.

Wait, you're not a twice-decorated Army veteran, that won't work. Hmmm....

Ok, I got nothing.

Take a vacation to North Korea and steal a Juche socialist poster as a souvenir. They won't exactly kill you, but they will turn you into a zombie vegetable and you won't know the difference.