I need a Landover man to look at my penis

[Faith_Machine]

Ideally this would be somebody who has previously seen me in the showers after one of our sporting events or square dances, because I'll need you to compare what it looks like now to what it looked like back then.

What's this all about, you ask?

Brethren, I am sick with worry!

You see, I was recently unfaithful to God. I have confessed my sins and repented, but I got to reading some Bible verses about unfaithfulness, that I might better understand my failure.

And that's when I happened about this alarming passage from Romans:

25 For circumcision verily profiteth, if thou keep the law: but if thou be a breaker of the law, thy circumcision is made uncircumcision.

26 Therefore if the uncircumcision keep the righteousness of the law, shall not his uncircumcision be counted for circumcision?

27 And shall not uncircumcision which is by nature, if it fulfil the law, judge thee, who by the letter and circumcision dost transgress the law?

28 For he is not a Jew, which is one outwardly; neither is that circumcision, which is outward in the flesh:

29 But he is a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit, and not in the letter; whose praise is not of men, but of God.

Friends, these verses are saying that by breaking God's law, I have reversed my circumcision!

I am an absolute nervous wreck about this. I am pretty sure my foreskin is growing back at this very moment, and I DON'T WANT IT TO!

I check frequently, and it's hard to tell, but I think there is more skin with each passing day.

Please, could one of you gentlemen who's seen me in the locker room come take a look and let me know what you think?

[Martha Chump]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

Good morning, Mr. Machine, I couldn't help but accidentally click on this thread. I realize this is not a becoming topic for a woman and could get me expelled for even looking! However, as an aspiring good Christian, I extend a warm and helpful hand to those in need. I consulted a physician, Dr. Richard Peterman, who has a speciality in these matters.

I would like to share this verse from him:


Romans 12:1-2 - I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.


It would see therefore, don't attempt to touch and correct your pee-pee on your own! Don't pick at the scar, or bring your hand close, for there might bring irreversible homosexual thoughts! This is a spiritual matter, one that can be addressed in the 2nd verse - "but ye be transformed by the renewing of your mind (not your foreskin), that ye may prove what is good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God"

I will pray for you, to overcome this phase, and not stretch it out longer than it needs to.


There's my two cents, perhaps a verified True Christian here can offer better advice than myself.

[WWJDnow]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. Matthew 5:30

Good to hear that you have repented of your sin. Now, I think you know what you need to do to keep this unseemly incident from happening again. And then circumcision won't be a problem.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

Good morning, Mr. Machine, I couldn't help but accidentally click on this thread. I realize this is not a becoming topic for a woman and could get me expelled for even looking! However, as an aspiring good Christian, I extend a warm and helpful hand to those in need. I consulted a physician, Dr. Richard Peterman, who has a speciality in these matters.

I would like to share this verse from him:


Romans 12:1-2 - I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.


It would see therefore, don't attempt to touch and correct your pee-pee on your own! Don't pick at the scar, or bring your hand close, for there might bring irreversible homosexual thoughts! This is a spiritual matter, one that can be addressed in the 2nd verse - "but ye be transformed by the renewing of your mind (not your foreskin), that ye may prove what is good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God"

I will pray for you, to overcome this phase, and not stretch it out longer than it needs to.


There's my two cents, perhaps a verified True Christian here can offer better advice than myself.

Thank you for your kind offer of help, young lady.

Say, do you have a Web cam?

[Diesel Stanford]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

If you have a tiny penis, you may as well be Adolf Hitler

[Didymus Much]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

If you have a tiny penis, you may as well be Adolf Hitler

I didn't expect to complete my Landover bingo card this early in the thread, but w/e. :shrugs:

[Uncle Rutherford]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

I clicked on this thread and a minute in I have to say I am absolutely disgusted as to what’s going on here. Some lady named Martha is disrespecting Faith Machine’s request by offering to inspect his penis when she is probably not even getting permission from her husband if she has one. Besides, the request is for someone who has first hand knowledge of how it looked before. Some women can be such sluts.

[Martha Chump]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

Some lady named Martha is disrespecting Faith Machine’s request by offering to inspect his penis when she is probably not even getting permission from her husband if she has one.

Mr. Rutherford, I do not have a penis.

[Martha Chump]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

Say, do you have a Web cam?

Please, Mr. Machine. I'm a married woman.


Any camming will be under my husband's surveillance, if that's okay.

[Des]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

Please, Mr. Machine. I'm a married woman.


Any camming will be under my husband's surveillance, if that's okay.

I for one am ready to meet with Mr. Chung to have a little chat about Christian domestic discipline. I'm sure it could help the little yellow fella keep the missus in line even if she is a foot taller than him.

[Martha Chump]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

I for one am ready to meet with Mr. Chung to have a little chat about Christian domestic discipline. I'm sure it could help the little yellow fella keep the missus in line even if she is a foot taller than him.

Well, to be perfectly honest, the shortness doesn't stop there. He's a little stumpy in the parts, as you'd expect from someone of the Asian persuasion. But that doesn't matter. God may be turning knots over our little half-chinny babies, but with the economy, I'm hoping He will smile on where size counts; a checkbook for Jesus. Apologies for the delay in tithes, we are wiring from a bank account in Mainland China, and with COVID, well you know things coming from there are taking thrice as long.

[Des]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

Well, to be perfectly honest, the shortness doesn't stop there. He's a little stumpy in the parts, as you'd expect from someone of the Asian persuasion.

I don't follow. Are you saying he is short on morality or something? Gooks are sneaky, conniving sorts, so this doesn't surprise me much.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

Say, do you have a Web cam?

WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.

It seems to me the young lady responding to poor Mr. Machine is breaking one of the stipulations put in place by the Constitution for her protection. I am still praying for the girl after the last incident. God help them, they really ought not to toy with Mr. Machine like this.

[Des]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

It seems to me the young lady responding to poor Mr. Machine is breaking one of the stipulations put in place by the Constitution for her protection. I am still praying for the girl after the last incident. God help them. they really ought not to toy with Mr. Machine like this.

She married a yellow monkey, brother. Even a known predator has to be a step up.

[Martha Chump]

Re: I need a Landover man to look at my penis

It seems to me the young lady responding to poor Mr. Machine is breaking one of the stipulations put in place by the Constitution for her protection. I am still praying for the girl after the last incident. God help them. they really ought not to toy with Mr. Machine like this.

I tend to by-pass trivial things like signatures, except when it's a juicy Bible passage. I only thought he wanted to impart his TC wisdom, that's what a True ChristianTM wants to do, right?