I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Hold your horses! I'm not gonna give up the only True Way™ to worship my Pal Jesus. No way! But the current pope, the Francis guy, is 84 and will die any day now. There's gonna be the next pope who will continue to spread altarboy sex, Mary worship and islam and evolution just like the current Messican guy.

We can change all that. I studied how the catlicks choose their leader. The cardinals form an electoral college of all the papal states, gather in the sixteenth chapel with their "aides" and vote until someone gets two thirds of the vote. Then they burn white incense and the next pope goes on to give a speech to the idiotic catlick mob.

What if that guy was me?! I found out that ANYONE can be the pope as long as he is a heterosexual male of good standing in the cult. I'm a heterosexual (definitely, the rumors are fake news) male of extremely good standing. Not yet a member of that cult but that can be fixed. We could reach billions of souls to Jesus, destroy the catlick cult from the inside, read all the secret documents of the Vatican and throw our own Father Mo to lifetime imprisonment.

What I need to do?

1. More tithes from you
2. I need to take a cathecist course. The Catholic Education Center, offers online catechist training and I need your help to fill in the exams. I mean, if I was to do them myself, my superior Biblical knowledge would be revealed and that could raise suspicions and no catlick knows the Bible by heart
3. I join the cult as a CHINO (catlick in name only)

I'll also need to do some extra work that is required of the catlick priests. I must mingle with the nuns and study their minges and probably make a few of them pregnant just like every catlick priest. I'll also need to pose in suggestive positions with my houseboys. This is extremely important as no catlick priest ever misses the opportunity to get some private time with houseboysaltar boys. I must also learn some Latin and Eyetalian phrases but that is not a problem for a man who knows not only American but also Jap, Tagalog, Cherokee and body language Veynee veedee veechee as they say!

I also have lots and lots of revealing photos of most of the cardinals and that will ensure their votes for me. As they always strive to ogle their altarboys, I'm also ready to show some skin, all in the service of Jesus. He'll forgive me all this as I'm doing HIS work and I'll pray the inevitable AIDS away!

This does not mean that the 2024 POTUS ticket would be cancelled. On the contrary, having both thrones in our hands would ensure the flow of billions of $ in tithes to assist us in our mission to save tens of souls and finally get me my jet. Ideas?

[WWJDnow]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

Pastor Zeke,

I think you'd look great in the Ferrari Popemobile, but I'm not sure our nation will ever elect another Catholic President after the way Biden is screwing things up. COVID relief checks, vaccine distribution plans, listening to scientists, rejoining NATO, not calling the press the enemy of the people--Biden's making a mockery of our country with his ramshackle policies. Plus, do you really want to live in Gandalf's Castle?

Anyway, I think you might want to practice first by making a run at Mormon prophet or Grand Poohbah of Scientology. Those people are so gullible, they'll believe anything as long as you charge them enough for it.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

Kuddos to you, Pastor Zeke, for your on-going work to save the world.

Being a politician myself, I see the election by the Cardinals as just another political deal. You have taken good first steps by accumulating "compromising" photos of Cardinals. I'd just suggest another strategic move.

Voters, in this case Cardinals, usually have something they are worried about and look to a political leader to solve. I think Cardinals these days are worried about their vast wealth. Every month there is another settlement with a victim of sexual abuse. Millions of dollars are just walking out the door.

I've heard Cardinals use a lot of profanity when they talk privately with each other. I'd suggest you call each one of them personally, introduce your intention to run for Pope and then add, "Under my rule, not one more eff'in penny for those sinners." They would believe you were sent by God to save their bacon.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

If only those cardinals had done the right thing centuries ago and made Martin Luther pope, we wouldn't still be dealing with this Catholic nonsense. Since then it's been a demented cavalcade of perverts, lunatics, gangsters, and Nazi sympathizers. As Pastor Ezekiel is clearly none of those things, he will have zero cardinals BUT Jesus on his side. That should be enough (Matthew 19:26). Glory! The world awaits its first Republican, non-Catholic pope!

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

I need to take a cathecist course. ... I need your help to fill in the exams. ...

Sir, we can definitely help you with that. If they ask you any questions, remember the answer always involves additional tithing and self-recrimination. Classic cult stuff - you'll know all about that from your time with the Japs... hari kiri solly I shame I kirr myserf

So for example if they say "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" you simply re-phrase it to involve some kind of blame on the inferiors and put them on the spot to take the heat. The Pope never takes the heat so everyone will fall in line quickly behind you. (Everything must be done quickly.)

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Great question! Let's talk about the pin for a moment. The pin is hired specifically to support the dancing angels. If we're talking sheer numbers then I would hope the pin would want to dig deep in the middle of an angelic crisis. We need every pin to really ask themselves can I supply more head? My team is doing everything possible for that. Let's have a round of applause.

Never issue orders (details). Orders can be disobeyed. Instead express sentiment - Make Catholicism Great Again. Let others fail in the details. Last recourse, just pretend to mis-hear. Angels=managers, pin=PhD student, something like that. You'll figure it out.

[3rdClay]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

Kuddos to you, Pastor Zeke, for your on-going work to save the world.

Being a politician myself, I see the election by the Cardinals as just another political deal. You have taken good first steps by accumulating "compromising" photos of Cardinals. I'd just suggest another strategic move.

Voters, in this case Cardinals, usually have something they are worried about and look to a political leader to solve. I think Cardinals these days are worried about their vast wealth. Every month there is another settlement with a victim of sexual abuse. Millions of dollars are just walking out the door.

I've heard Cardinals use a lot of profanity when they talk privately with each other. I'd suggest you call each one of them personally, introduce your intention to run for Pope and then add, "Under my rule, not one more eff'in penny for those sinners." They would believe you were sent by God to save their bacon.

looks like you guys are in a close group with Zeke. yet Zeke is too young to be a Pope of either group. what promoted his mind to be a man-made leader? what did Zeke want to achieve as a pope? If it was to expose what the falls of Catholics, what is good to shame other Christians? Oh yes, they believe in Jesus Christ died for their sins too. Although within their church, they are many problems and sins. But does evangelic org like yours have no sins or tons too?
I met several normal Catholics on the street preaching, I tried to share the good things of the Bible and share their blind spots too. But hurt must be avoided and respect must be given to each human being.
Stop bragging, stop scoffing others. None of these is in line with the true teaching of our Savior Jesus Christ.


Zeke, you are not mature in Love. ask and it will be given to you.


in His Love,

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

You sound gay for Pastor Zeke.

[James Hutchins]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

Pastor, that sounds like a terribly insightful idea.

Back in my 'Nam days, we used to get the South gooks to infiltrate the North. Using fresh, 13 YO girls, we'd stuff their 'you-know-what" with LSD. Subvert from within. I do miss my youthful, care free days.

I think you'd be a wonderful Young Pope. I just hope the luxurious trappings of the Vatican do not offend you.

[James Hutchins]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

You sound gay for Pastor Zeke.

I did not want to say anything in case it inadvertently upsets the Pastor. But I agree, Mrs. Etheldreda, it sounds like the typical queersexual 'come-on' I hear all the time.

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

I am worried that Pastor has spent too much time in the Philippinos. 1 Corinthians 15:33.

[Dana723]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

looks like you guys are in a close group with Zeke. yet Zeke is too young to be a Pope of either group. what promoted his mind to be a man-made leader? what did Zeke want to achieve as a pope? If it was to expose what the falls of Catholics, what is good to shame other Christians? Oh yes, they believe in Jesus Christ died for their sins too. Although within their church, they are many problems and sins. But does evangelic org like yours have no sins or tons too?
I met several normal Catholics on the street preaching, I tried to share the good things of the Bible and share their blind spots too. But hurt must be avoided and respect must be given to each human being.
Stop bragging, stop scoffing others. None of these is in line with the true teaching of our Savior Jesus Christ.


Zeke, you are not mature in Love. ask and it will be given to you.


in His Love,

You're one of the Hanson brothers? I had a brother Josiah who was gay for them back in the day. He had all their music. Bunch of long haired hippies. I heard that Mmmbop - which I'm sure must of been about gay sex - so many times that I didn't think I'd ever cleanse my mind of the lyrics. My father ended up sending Josiah to some gay camp to beat the gay out of him. Must not have worked because I haven't seen or heard from Josiah since. May you rot in Hell for corrupting my brother.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

The problem with popes nowadays is they live way too long. Pope John Paul George Ringo or whatever his name was sat on the dark throne for 26 years. Darth Benedict XVI hasn't been called home to his punishment yet, so he'd still be pope today if he hadn't quit like a little bitch. And Ber-ugly-o looks like he could go another 20 years at this point. Ah, for the good old days when the so-called sacred, infallible Vicar of Christ got murdered every few years.

[Unfalsifiable]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

Pastor Zeke a Catholic? Now I've seen it all.


Can I apply to be the main man at Freehold after you don your dress and shepherd's hook?

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

Pastor Zeke a Catholic? Now I've seen it all.

Oh, for Heaven's sake dear, do grow up! Everyone knows that the answer to the question "Is the Pope a Catholic?" is "No."

[Unfalsifiable]

Re: I'm Studying to Be the Next Pope

I do apologize, I meant to think that, not post it.