OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

[DA BOI]

Guys, I have a serious problem. I think I'm going to rot in hell for the rest of eternity if I don't fix them, I'm so afraid jesus will strike me down if I don't save myself, help!

I have the following problems:

-I am 1/12.5th jewish, my great grandmother is satan!!!!
-I have a black friend named Chris, he wears baggy clothing and smokes marijuana
-I forget to get down on my knees and pray to the lord some nights
-My aunt voted for Barack Obama!
-I sometimes feel the urge to be with a man, even though I am attracted to women sometimes too
-I have had sex before I was married
-I masturbate frequently
-I have tried Marijuana and alcoholic beverages
-my brother does not believe in the lord
-I know this sounds yucky, but sometimes when I'm in the shower, I like to rub my anus a little bit, I know that sounds like a potty joke but it's true and I'm scared!

PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, JUDGEMENT DAY IS COMING SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JennyD]

Re: OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

You've come to the right place!

First, you must abandon all your friends and family. As Jesus said,

Luke 14:26
If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Can you do that for Him?

[DA BOI]

Re: OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

I am young still, I cannot abandon them as I cannot support myself!

Should I tell them of the terrible sins they have committed, and beg them to repent to the lord?

What shall I do of my homosexual urges and actions?

Is it wrong to get an erection?

Is it wrong to go look in the toilet after I go number 2? I read here that it is I think!

What shall I tell the hell bound Jahovas that come to my door?

Is having a "wet dream" a sin?

Please help me brothers, I am in need of guidance.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

ARAGHHHHH! If you can't support yourself, how will you tithe to the church?

[DA BOI]

Re: OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

I'm incapable of financially supporting myself! I can drive to the church, and I do so as much as possible, but at the moment abandoning my family is impossible, and it makes me feel terrible inside because they are all sinning satan lovers and jews!

Could you please address my questions? I'm very worried!

MAY THE LORD BLESS THY FORUM.

[JennyD]

Re: OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

I'm incapable of financially supporting myself! I can drive to the church, and I do so as much as possible, but at the moment abandoning my family is impossible, and it makes me feel terrible inside because they are all sinning satan lovers and jews!

Could you please address my questions? I'm very worried!

MAY THE LORD BLESS THY FORUM.

Jesus already told you what to do. If you love Him, you must leave all that filth and depravity behind.

Perhaps you can raise funds to tithe to the church by providing certain services to lonely men.


Housekeeping, for example.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

I'm incapable of financially supporting myself! I can drive to the church, and I do so as much as possible, but at the moment abandoning my family is impossible, and it makes me feel terrible inside because they are all sinning satan lovers and jews!

Could you please address my questions? I'm very worried!

MAY THE LORD BLESS THY FORUM.

How old are you boy?

Have you bothered to read the Holy Bible yet? All of Christ''s love can be found within its pages. He doesn't think much of queers, smart-alecks, God-mockers, goths, dope heads or joos. You sound like a package made for hell, so you'd better get busy and send in your Tithe. Click on the shiny "Donate" button at the bottom of the page and we'll take it from there.

[Bob4God]

Re: OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Should I tell them of the terrible sins they have committed, and beg them to repent to the lord?

Yes, it is important for you to confront your family if they are sinners.

What shall I do of my homosexual urges and actions?

I suggest you email Pastor Zeke and confess the details to him. He can help you overcome these temptations!

Is it wrong to get an erection?

If you're not married and about to use it to produce new life for the LORD, it's disgusting and shameful!

Is it wrong to go look in the toilet after I go number 2? I read here that it is I think!

Everything you need to know about GOD and the bathroom can be found here: http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=17575

What shall I tell the hell bound Jahovas that come to my door?

Tell them that you don't want to hear any of their satanic garbage and that if they don't get down on their knees and pray for JESUS to forgive them for turning their back on the one TRUE religion, He's going to fling their limp bodies into the flames of hell!

Is having a "wet dream" a sin?

The Bible tells us that it is unclean. You should follow Old Testament procedures to purify yourself after having a disgusting emission. Also pray for forgiveness if it was dirty, which I'm sure with you it would be.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

I'm incapable of financially supporting myself! I can drive to the church, and I do so as much as possible, but at the moment abandoning my family is impossible, and it makes me feel terrible inside because they are all sinning satan lovers and jews!

You don't have much faith, do you?

Matt. 6:31-33: Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Do as God tells you (see above), and He will provide.