Pastor needs a helpmeet.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Pastor solicits literate, articulate Christian women to write a suitable prospectus which will attract a proper GODLY widow as a companion for Pastor. My needs are simple. Looks, height-to-weight proportional, money, guns, property (mortgage-free)a lawyer in the family, a knowledge of farming and an ability to serve as queen of the Landover West compound and keep the workers working and the nubile housekittens catering to my every need. Salary negotiable. If you are good at all these things you won't have to pay me as much.

In exchange, Pastor will call down the wrath of GOD to smite the heathen whenever required. If the prayer isn't answered in a timely manner, Pastor agrees to act in GOD's stead and provide such smiting as may be required.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I'm sure you'll be swamped with applicants, Pastor Pistle.

She doesn't even have to make soap?

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

proper GODLY widow as a companion for Pastor...My needs are simple...

I will pray for you long and hard, dear Pastor, so you walk, and yea sleep, alone no more...

Just remember it is Man's rightful place to "put out the feelers" when the time comes. Any "Christian" woman who throws herself at you shall be but revealed as false.

And so it is, and so it shall be, forever and ever, Amen.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I'm sure you'll be swamped with applicants, Pastor Pistle.

She doesn't even have to make soap?

We shall capture some itinerant goths or wickedans and teach them the basics....soap, washing vestments in the river, skinning and tanning prey items they catch, cleaning fish, tending the farm, butchering pigs and turtles, mucking out the septic system....things like that. However, we will provide the drug they are all addicted to since GOD allows it's use. We just weed-whack it anyway; it's all over the place and when you walk through it you get this black, sticky crap all over you. Hey, if they want it, fine.

The Queen of Landover West needn't do anything but be organized and make sure it all gets done. She may either use her own cat-o-nine-tails or have one of the servants do her bidding as long as I am not troubled except for emergencies.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

I will pray for you long and hard, dear Pastor, so you walk, and yea sleep, alone no more...

Just remember it is Man's rightful place to "put out the feelers" when the time comes. Any "Christian" woman who throws herself at you shall be but revealed as false.

And so it is, and so it shall be, forever and ever, Amen.

Women never throw themselves at me. I am too kind a gentleman. I rarely even raise a hand against a woman and that makes them think I don't care enough to beat them as GOD commands.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Brilliant! I'm sure Goths will make great soap!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Brilliant! I'm sure Goths will make great soap!

The porky ones will. Vegans will be perfect for working in the butcher shop and smokehouse because they won't steal anything.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Women never throw themselves at me. I am too kind a gentleman. I rarely even raise a hand against a woman and that makes them think I don't care enough to beat them as GOD commands.

Oh, Pastor....come come. Surely you know of the scores of sewing-circles-turned-fan-clubs that dot Landover? You hear the giggles and whispers from we ladyfolk as you speak from the pulpit. And aren't you showered with tenderly knitted items (some a bit too intimate, for my taste) on your birthday? Why, I could think of a thousand more proofs, too, that there are those in your very midst this minute who are devoted to you...if you'd only see them.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Oh, Pastor....come come. Surely you know of the scores of sewing-circles-turned-fan-clubs that dot Landover? You hear the giggles and whispers from we ladyfolk as you speak from the pulpit. And aren't you showered with tenderly knitted items (some a bit too intimate, for my taste) on your birthday? Why, I could think of a thousand more proofs, too, that there are those in your very midst this minute who are devoted to you...if you'd only see them.

We Pastors are above all that. We are so deeply immersed in all things Godly that we barely have time to play golf.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Oh, Pastor....come come. Surely you know of the scores of sewing-circles-turned-fan-clubs that dot Landover? You hear the giggles and whispers from we ladyfolk as you speak from the pulpit. And aren't you showered with tenderly knitted items (some a bit too intimate, for my taste) on your birthday? Why, I could think of a thousand more proofs, too, that there are those in your very midst this minute who are devoted to you...if you'd only see them.

Thank you for what I assume is a compliment is womanspeak....but Pastor is correct. We think only of GOD and don't even replace the divots we tear out of the golf course. I used to drive my own cart, but now my 'golf limo' transports me around the course.

I have no knowledge of the wily ways of women. Mrs. Pistle was a gift from God and if she had only listened once in a damn while, she might not have fallen into the chipper. Now I am burdened with Ching Lee, but I suspect that her heart is on the fritz, poor girl, and she refuses to wear her Type III Coast-Guard Approved life vest. The silly chink says it feels as though it is full of lead. I hope she doesn't fall overboard next time we cruise to Maui.

[Nobar King]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Did you post this on craigslist?

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Did you post this on craigslist?

I want good Christian women, not crackwhores! I posted it on Facebook.

[Pastor Nereu Gargalo]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

I want good Christian women, not crackwhores! I posted it on Facebook.

Dear Pastor.
I am unable to get a message through to you.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Dear Pastor.
I am unable to get a message through to you.

Try again.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Pastor needs a helpmeet.

Dear Pastor.
I am unable to get a message through to you.

Holy Christ! He lives!!!!! I thought he was swallowed by a whale!