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  • Brian Dyk
    Forum Member
    Forum Member
    • Apr 2009
    • 48
    #1

    I need some True Christian Advice

    Recently, I broke down and tried fried chicken and watermelon at the same time. I LOVED IT!! It was great. Does this make me a negro? Do I need to repent?
    I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL!!!
    Tags: None
    • Pastor Ezekiel
      Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
       
      • Sep 2006
      • 78556
      #2
      Re: I need some True Christian Advice

      Originally posted by Brian Dyk View Post
      Recently, I broke down and tried fried chicken and watermelon at the same time. I LOVED IT!! It was great. Does this make me a negro? Do I need to repent?
      I love fried chicken, friend. I don't know what you're worried about.
      Who Will Jesus Damn?

      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

        Comment

        • Nobar King
          Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58
          Christ's Guardian
          True Christian™
          • Sep 2007
          • 23748
          #3
          Re: I need some True Christian Advice

          Are you a negro? That should be pretty easy to answer, boy.

          Do you eat fried chicken and watermelon EVERY DAY? Have you been stealing pies?
          May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

            Comment

            • Brian Dyk
              Forum Member
              Forum Member
              • Apr 2009
              • 48
              #4
              Re: I need some True Christian Advice

              No. I have looked down my pants. I am pretty sure that I am not a negro. However, I found that fried chicken paired with watermelon and washed down with a Colt .44 is very, very good. Almost as good as a steak at Mortons.
              I DON'T WANT TO GO TO HELL!!!

                Comment

                • Daisy Mae Johnson
                  The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint
                  Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running
                  aka the Biblethumpin Blonde
                  True Christian™
                  • Sep 2006
                  • 15708
                  #5
                  Re: I need some True Christian Advice

                  Have you ever OVERDOSED on watermelon? Many nigras do, if you haven't you have self control (which the darkies lack)

                  Proof:
                  Attached Files
                  sigpic

                  Tweet me Here
                  My GODLY Bio Here

                    Comment

                    • Pastor Isaac Peters
                      Senior Pastor
                      Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™
                      Always Biblically correct
                      True Christian™
                      • Sep 2006
                      • 10639
                      #6
                      Re: I need some True Christian Advice

                      Just to be on the safe side, you should sign up for the church's ex-Negro ministry. The application fee just went up, but what's a bit of earthly money next to eternal salvation?
                      This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

                      Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance

                      sigpic

                        Comment

                        • Vavoline Johnson
                          Mammy
                          Forum Member
                          • Apr 2009
                          • 960
                          #7
                          Re: I need some True Christian Advice

                          Originally posted by Nobar King View Post
                          Are you a negro? That should be pretty easy to answer, boy.

                          Do you eat fried chicken and watermelon EVERY DAY? Have you been stealing pies?

                          Are yous da wizard man? Eye needs yous to picks me da numbas for tonites lottrey
                          praise da lawd!
                          Everybodys Blested Ole Mammy

                            Comment

                            • Brother Lazarus
                              Forum Member
                              Forum Member
                              • Jul 2008
                              • 1062
                              #8
                              Re: I need some True Christian Advice

                              Originally posted by Vavoline Johnson View Post
                              Are yous da wizard man? Eye needs yous to picks me da numbas for tonites lottrey
                              praise da lawd!
                              Miss Valvoline, you may need a translator because few here actually speak Negro or if you wish, ebonics. I live in the south and meet Negros all the time. I have learned several ebonic dialects including urban, gansta, hip hop, and gullah.

                              I think you asked Brother Nobar this question:

                              "Are you able to predict the future? I would appreciate it if you would pick the winning numbers for me in tonight's lottery.

                              Praise the Lord!"

                              I changed your wording a bit. I omitted "wizard man" and substituted "able to predict the future" for two reasons. 1) I think Brother Nobar as a True Christian would not appreciate being called a "wizard" because we all know wizards are the spawn of Satan. 2) Brother Nobar in a way knows the future. He knows all True Christians will soon be raptured and enter into God's Glory.

                              I know you did not include the word "winning" or in your vernacular "winnins" but I have to assume you would not want Brother Nobar to pick losing or "loosin" numbers.

                              I hope I can be of assistance to you in the future Miss Valvoline. My services can be bartered for fine fried chicken and some collard greens.

                              You seem like a very nice lady and I wish you well as you enter into the Ex-Negro program!

                              Yours in Christ
                              Brother Lazarus
                              In the Beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth. Genesis 1.1. This scripture is the first verse of the Bible for a reason. It lays the foundation for the absolute truth found in God's Holy WORD, the Bible.

                                Comment

                                • Nurse Clampett
                                  Jesus's Favorite Nurse
                                  Forum Member
                                  • Jan 2009
                                  • 974
                                  #9
                                  Re: I need some True Christian Advice

                                  Originally posted by Brian Dyk View Post
                                  No. I have looked down my pants. I am pretty sure that I am not a negro. However, I found that fried chicken paired with watermelon and washed down with a Colt .44 is very, very good. Almost as good as a steak at Mortons.
                                  Brother, I think staying away from the 40 ounces of malt is a very good idea. It's a sort of gateway drug to "poppin' caps in da azz" and "gettin' jiggy wid it". Unacceptable behavior for an upstanding Christian caucasian male. The Lord needs all the white he can get, Brother.
                                  Luke 5:31
                                  And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick

                                    Comment

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