ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Fellow True Christians,

I am pleased to announce that we will be holding our first weekly barbecue this Friday.

This event symbolizes our need to Feast on Jesus in order to be most like Him. As we feast on delectable roast duck, pig and, my personal favorite, succulent, juicy and tender filet mignon prepared by the finest chefs Landover has to offer, we are reminded that, just as we feast upon the wonderful meal prepared for us, we must also feast upon the Word of Jesus.


In commemoration of the time Jesus turned water into wine, the finest wines will be served. To remind us of the prophecies that Jesus has fulfilled, we will be serving delicious pork products: ham, bacon, pork chops and sausage. In remembrance of the Faith of Abraham, many a lamb will be slaughtered and prepared with great care. Finally, in a showing of the Power of the Lord, we will have the finest grade-A beef served, from burgers to steaks!

Come join us this Friday at 4pm, and every Friday until Easter, to celebrate the Lord Jesus Christ and our Faith in Him! Ice cold refreshments will be served, and we will have an open-microphone after 8pm for the reading of favorite Bible Verses! There will be games (wrestling, to remember the time that Jacob fought with an angel--and had the faith to win!, tackle football (because touch-football is for fairies) and more!), raffles (each ticket a winner, to remind us how lucky we are that God chose each and every one of us to go to Heaven!) and a real-live mystery-event (hint: think pinatas. but no candy!)!

There will be a fee collected tomorrow after church (and each Sunday preceding the event) by Brother Enobarbus, who will be overseeing security and overall production of the event. Those who are able to donate the livestock for this event are encouraged to donate their goods and will be charged a reduced fee. A pastor will announce the final cost of a ticket tomorrow, as soon as our accountants finish crunching the numbers.

Come one, come all and let us Feast on the Lord's Bounty!

[SUV]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

We Ladies are willing to help! I'd better go out and load up (no pun intended) to Bake a few batches of my Biblically-Correct Dungbread!

[Daniel]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

Fellow True Christians,

I am pleased to announce that we will be holding our first weekly barbecue this Friday.

This event symbolizes our need to Feast on Jesus in order to be most like Him. As we feast on delectable roast duck, pig and, my personal favorite, succulent, juicy and tender filet mignon prepared by the finest chefs Landover has to offer, we are reminded that, just as we feast upon the wonderful meal prepared for us, we must also feast upon the Word of Jesus.


In commemoration of the time Jesus turned water into wine, the finest wines will be served. To remind us of the prophecies that Jesus has fulfilled, we will be serving delicious pork products: ham, bacon, pork chops and sausage. In remembrance of the Faith of Abraham, many a lamb will be slaughtered and prepared with great care. Finally, in a showing of the Power of the Lord, we will have the finest grade-A beef served, from burgers to steaks!

Come join us this Friday at 4pm, and every Friday until Easter, to celebrate the Lord Jesus Christ and our Faith in Him! Ice cold refreshments will be served, and we will have an open-microphone after 8pm for the reading of favorite Bible Verses! There will be games (wrestling, to remember the time that Jacob fought with an angel--and had the faith to win!, tackle football (because touch-football is for fairies) and more!), raffles (each ticket a winner, to remind us how lucky we are that God chose each and every one of us to go to Heaven!) and a real-live mystery-event (hint: think pinatas. but no candy!)!

There will be a fee collected tomorrow after church (and each Sunday preceding the event) by Brother Enobarbus, who will be overseeing security and overall production of the event. Those who are able to donate the livestock for this event are encouraged to donate their goods and will be charged a reduced fee. A pastor will announce the final cost of a ticket tomorrow, as soon as our accountants finish crunching the numbers.

Come one, come all and let us Feast on the Lord's Bounty!

Wait! The Bible says in Leviticus 11:7 "And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you." Why are you eating pork, etc.?

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

Is your Bible broken, boy?

5I was in the city of Joppa praying: and in a trance I saw a vision, A certain vessel descend, as it had been a great sheet, let down from heaven by four corners; and it came even to me:
6Upon the which when I had fastened mine eyes, I considered, and saw fourfooted beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air.
7And I heard a voice saying unto me, Arise, Peter; slay and eat.
8But I said, Not so, Lord: for nothing common or unclean hath at any time entered into my mouth.
9But the voice answered me again from heaven, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.

4For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving:

For the Righteous, God has cleansed all manner of beings! We're not joos, after all!

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

This is exciting news. But I want to remind folks that our Lord Jesus Christ does not appreciate folks trying to pass off rubbish as a side dish. Of course, I am speaking of Carrot Raisin Salad. Trust me, carrot peelings, mayonaise, and store brand raisins are not suitable here at GOD's favorite church!

PS You folks who put crushed pineapple in Carrot Raisin Salad (and think you're being creative) are no better than the rest . . . save it for a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake.

[SUV]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

Wait! The Bible says in Leviticus 11:7 "And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you." Why are you eating pork, etc.?

Oh my GOD, Brother, please don't 'queer the deal' for me! After all these years here at Landover, I am finally working on getting my Easter Ham!

[Daniel]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

Is your Bible broken, boy?





For the Righteous, God has cleansed all manner of beings! We're not joos, after all!

Forgive me for thinking that Landover wold do anything without God's approval. Apparently my Bible is broken. Better get a new one fast! I wouldn't want those perverted atheists at the suck-ular high school I attend to be one-up on me.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

PS You folks who put crushed pineapple in Carrot Raisin Salad (and think you're being creative) are no better than the rest . . . save it for a Pineapple Upside-Down Cake.

As it happens, the LORD has blessed me with a surfeit of pineapple of late... I'm not entirely sure it's entirely suitable for sharing with the congregation, though.

[virginWhore]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

My sister-in-law makes a very interesting marshmallow aspic.

She brings it to our thanksgiving every year, and even the family dog recognizes that it is a most-foul thing, and will forego even pushing it away with its nose, should the succulent turkey scraps be hidden underneath.

for easter every year my great auntie gives us a spring pig. Last year I named mine Charlotte, this year, I named mine Caanan, cause he's a boy. They're fed buttermilk and collard greens like there's no tomorrow...which there isn't, as far as they're concerned.

Psalm 106:22
Wondrous works in the land of Ham, and terrible things by the Red sea.


vw

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

We will be having no AssPicks at this barbecue, friend, I can assure you of that!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

Of course I'll have my nigras set up my famous pig-on-a-stick feast for all to sample. Praise Jesus there is nothing like a succulent, juicy roast pig to bring up all my love for God. GLORY!

[TwinkBoy]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

We Ladies are willing to help! I'd better go out and load up (no pun intended) to Bake a few batches of my Biblically-Correct Dungbread!

What the hell is Dungbread, loves? If it's what I think it is then I think I'll pass....(snicker, snicker...boy these TC's are really out to lunch!).

[OnYourKnees]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

What the hell is Dungbread, loves? If it's what I think it is then I think I'll pass....(snicker, snicker...boy these TC's are really out to lunch!).

Twink, you've seen the Ezekiel 4:9 bread in the supermarket? It's made by FALSE CHRISTIANS who cherry-picked the single verse (actually, the first half of the single verse) they liked:

Ezekiel 4:9a

Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof,

Well, the FULL relevant passage is Ezekiel 4:9-12.


9Take thou also unto thee wheat, and barley, and beans, and lentiles, and millet, and fitches, and put them in one vessel, and make thee bread thereof, according to the number of the days that thou shalt lie upon thy side, three hundred and ninety days shalt thou eat thereof.
10And thy meat which thou shalt eat shall be by weight, twenty shekels a day: from time to time shalt thou eat it.
11Thou shalt drink also water by measure, the sixth part of an hin: from time to time shalt thou drink.
12And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight.

Do you think the Ezekiel 4:9 people are using human dung to bake their bread? Probably not, as it wouldn't be CONVENIENT. Probably wouldn't comply with health codes, either.

This is the sort of thing a Salad-Bar Christian does; pick and choose the bits of the Bible he likes, and treat the rest of God's Word as so much dung.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

Of course I'll have my nigras set up my famous pig-on-a-stick feast for all to sample. Praise Jesus there is nothing like a succulent, juicy roast pig to bring up all my love for God. GLORY!

The pig-on-a-stick looks simply glorious, Pastor Ezekeil. Your nigras do a superb job.

I must ask if you procured your nigras from Brother Worthington. The reason I ask is that I caught my nigras cooking breakfast (with toast-on-a-stick) on the wooded portion of my estate last summer. This was just after I had bought a six-month supply of hominy grits to feed them. Its not like I don't treat them to some KFC every Sunday and I do allow them a small patch to raise watermelon. This unfortunate event cost me money, as I had to reimburse the local Safeway for the cost of the shopping cart that they stole.

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: ANNOUNCING: Landover Barbecue!

Of course I'll have my nigras set up my famous pig-on-a-stick feast for all to sample. Praise Jesus there is nothing like a succulent, juicy roast pig to bring up all my love for God. GLORY!

Oh, so when ZEKE eats suckling pig, no one says a word yet when I eat it, I'm accused of eating roast baby??? Where's the justice in that??