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With Michael Jackson Dead, The World Becomes a Safer Place For Children!
LANDOVER BAPTIST'S OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH
Baptist Worldwide Press Reports - Upon hearing news of Michael Jackson's death on Fox News last night, millions of Christian parents opened the doors of their little boys' bedrooms and asked them for the first time, "Would you like to go and play outside?"
"The world today is twice as safe for our precious children than it was yesterday when Michael Jackson was still alive and prowling," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Especially little lily-white boys with well-shaped heinies and the ability to keep a secret. Our sources say that Mr. Jackson loved them the best." Pastor explained that millions of boys across America will be able to play outside for the first time, without fear of Mr. Jackson driving by and stuffing them into his limousine to ply them with hard liquor (so-called, Jesus Juice) and cozy compliments. However, he noted that the world is not still completely safe. "Parents still have to protect their children from Catholic Priests," he said. "But they are not as much of a worry. They usually wait for little boys to come to them. Mr. Jackson, on the other hand, was the worst kind of predator. We've been telling scary stories about the disfigured Frankenstein of Funk to our Cub Scout troops for years! In fact, we are absolutely certain that Mr. Jackson has diddled over 400 juvenile tallywackers in this county since last October -- without even once been seen by anyone in Iowa! That's how sneaky that freak was."
On the evening of June 25th, Baptist ministry leaders learned that Michael Jackson's nose caved in on itself after one too many plastic surgeries and he suffocated during his Demerol-laced sleep. "This is something you won't hear in the media," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members. "We have someone on the inside, who told us about it, even before the press got hold of it. His nose either fell off or caved in - so don't believe any other stories you hear. Just rejoice in the Lord that this demon has been sent back to Hell where he belongs."
Landover Baptist Ministries revealed that they received detailed information about Mr. Jackson over the last four years from a young Chrisitan boy (who will go unnamed to protect his safety and reputation) who was placed in Michael Jackson's care as an undercover spy for sin. "We wanted to get the goods on Jackson," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We believe his behavior, especially when it came to little boys, was something that he learned as a Jehovah's Witness because those folks are crazy enough to do anything." Pastor explained that the little boy they placed under Jackson's care would fax crayon sketches of Mr. Jackson's penis back to the Creation Science Laboratory every Thursday night. "Usually, the sketch would show a mottled tallywacker -- like a very old pinto pony's -- hanging lengthwise down the page. But last week, the brown and flesh colored crayons depicted something sticking straight up -- across the page -- and we knew that, after two or three more times, we were going to have to move to protect that child -- and bring ointment!"
Official Landover Baptist Church Statement Concerning the Eternal Fate of Michael Jackson:
"Scripture teaches us that Michael Jackson is now burning in Hell. He will forever be on the wrong side of the buggery stick (now a pitch-fork), bent over on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire to be reared in the heinie in those rough sands by the hard flesh - the enormous spiked red-tallywhackers of his masters, the demons of Hell, forever. In Jesus precious Name we pray and give thanks that our children are now safe to play outside again. A-men."
LANDOVER BAPTIST'S OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEATH
Baptist Worldwide Press Reports - Upon hearing news of Michael Jackson's death on Fox News last night, millions of Christian parents opened the doors of their little boys' bedrooms and asked them for the first time, "Would you like to go and play outside?"
"The world today is twice as safe for our precious children than it was yesterday when Michael Jackson was still alive and prowling," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Especially little lily-white boys with well-shaped heinies and the ability to keep a secret. Our sources say that Mr. Jackson loved them the best." Pastor explained that millions of boys across America will be able to play outside for the first time, without fear of Mr. Jackson driving by and stuffing them into his limousine to ply them with hard liquor (so-called, Jesus Juice) and cozy compliments. However, he noted that the world is not still completely safe. "Parents still have to protect their children from Catholic Priests," he said. "But they are not as much of a worry. They usually wait for little boys to come to them. Mr. Jackson, on the other hand, was the worst kind of predator. We've been telling scary stories about the disfigured Frankenstein of Funk to our Cub Scout troops for years! In fact, we are absolutely certain that Mr. Jackson has diddled over 400 juvenile tallywackers in this county since last October -- without even once been seen by anyone in Iowa! That's how sneaky that freak was."
On the evening of June 25th, Baptist ministry leaders learned that Michael Jackson's nose caved in on itself after one too many plastic surgeries and he suffocated during his Demerol-laced sleep. "This is something you won't hear in the media," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members. "We have someone on the inside, who told us about it, even before the press got hold of it. His nose either fell off or caved in - so don't believe any other stories you hear. Just rejoice in the Lord that this demon has been sent back to Hell where he belongs."
Landover Baptist Ministries revealed that they received detailed information about Mr. Jackson over the last four years from a young Chrisitan boy (who will go unnamed to protect his safety and reputation) who was placed in Michael Jackson's care as an undercover spy for sin. "We wanted to get the goods on Jackson," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "We believe his behavior, especially when it came to little boys, was something that he learned as a Jehovah's Witness because those folks are crazy enough to do anything." Pastor explained that the little boy they placed under Jackson's care would fax crayon sketches of Mr. Jackson's penis back to the Creation Science Laboratory every Thursday night. "Usually, the sketch would show a mottled tallywacker -- like a very old pinto pony's -- hanging lengthwise down the page. But last week, the brown and flesh colored crayons depicted something sticking straight up -- across the page -- and we knew that, after two or three more times, we were going to have to move to protect that child -- and bring ointment!"
Official Landover Baptist Church Statement Concerning the Eternal Fate of Michael Jackson:
"Scripture teaches us that Michael Jackson is now burning in Hell. He will forever be on the wrong side of the buggery stick (now a pitch-fork), bent over on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire to be reared in the heinie in those rough sands by the hard flesh - the enormous spiked red-tallywhackers of his masters, the demons of Hell, forever. In Jesus precious Name we pray and give thanks that our children are now safe to play outside again. A-men."
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