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  • #1

    Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

    This morning I opened my front door to find THIS on my doorstep.



    Is Satan trying to harass me? It's still in my front yard....what should I do with it?

    Disturbed, Sister Thumper
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  • #2
    Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

    Get a MAN to shoot it. Obviously.
    O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



    God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

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    • #3
      Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

      Originally posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
      This morning I opened my front door to find THIS on my doorstep.



      Is Satan trying to harass me? It's still in my front yard....what should I do with it?

      Disturbed, Sister Thumper
      Truly, it's The End Times. Or maybe one of those new toys they get out on the market this time of year for the Children for Christmas.

      SUV

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      • #4
        Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

        Trap it in a small cage, rebuke its satanic existance, then kill it with fire. Or, more accurately, get a man to kill it with fire and go back to the kitchen and make him a beef sandwich, woman.

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        • #5
          Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

          Originally posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
          This morning I opened my front door to find THIS on my doorstep.



          Is Satan trying to harass me? It's still in my front yard....what should I do with it?

          Disturbed, Sister Thumper
          Tater is getting old enough to handle a rifle, right?
          Master of Godly Debating

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          • #6
            Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

            Originally posted by Remy Lebeau View Post
            Tater is getting old enough to handle a rifle, right?
            Tator is off at gun camp this week. He is practing his shooting skills with Pastor Zeke for the witch hunt.

            It's still out there!
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            • #7
              Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

              Never fear, its dead. I blasted its demonic guts all over Sister Thumper's rose bushes. Actually it turned out to have been just one member of a pack of the things. Just on the edge of the woods I found the bloated queen of the tribe, who tasted lead from my 30.06, and her litter, who young Tater helped Jesus send to hell with the heel of his boot.

              Where these foul-smelling beats came from is anyone's guess, but I think Landover Security forces might want to have a word with that moonwitch hippie to see what she knows. In the meantime, I hope everyone will be on their guard while walking in the woods around the compound. And for my fellow hunters participating in this years' witch hunt, please keep in mind that these critters stink to high heaven when you pop them open. Don't get any of their juice on you if you can help it.
              Who Will Jesus Damn?

              Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

              Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

              Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

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              • #8
                Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

                Oh Praise JESUS!!!!!!

                Thank you sooooo much Pastor Zeke! You are MY HERO!!!!

                You are such a good teacher. Thank you for including young Tater in on the kill. He will need those skills for the witch hunt.

                GLORY!!! PRAISE!!!! My yard is safe again!

                Smooooooch!

                Just goes to show you Unsaved Trash. Demons, evil and Satan don't stand a chance when they come face to face with a True Christian(tm). JESUS AlWAYS WINS!

                Relieved, Sister Thumper

                Can you stay the night just to make sure it doesn't come back from the dead?
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                • #9
                  Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

                  I can't believe no one suggested to eat it!
                  I mean, you seem to eat everything else, what's one measly dog/spider?
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                  Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

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                  • #10
                    Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

                    Originally posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
                    I can't believe no one suggested to eat it!
                    I mean, you seem to eat everything else, what's one measly dog/spider?
                    You don't eat demons from the pit of hell.

                    Okay, so maybe you do, when there are no more Christian babies in the fridge.
                    This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

                    Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance

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                    • #11
                      Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

                      Originally posted by More Saved Than Thou View Post
                      You don't eat demons from the pit of hell.

                      Okay, so maybe you do, when there are no more Christian babies in the fridge.
                      Oh I would never eat a demon! What a horrible thing to say!

                      But that looks more like a dog dressed up as a tarantula for halloween. In which case it'll probably end up at Wu Lin's.
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                      Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

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                      • #12
                        Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

                        Originally posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
                        Oh I would never eat a demon! What a horrible thing to say!
                        Not into cannibalism huh?
                        If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
                        A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
                        Proverbs 9:12-13

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                        • #13
                          Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

                          Originally posted by SalvationSeeker View Post
                          Not into cannibalism huh?
                          My, what a witty and intelligent response
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                          Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!

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                          • #14
                            Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

                            Originally posted by Rachael Van Helsing View Post
                            Oh I would never eat a demon! What a horrible thing to say!
                            Notice she never denied eating Christian babies....
                            Who Will Jesus Damn?

                            Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                            Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                            Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

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                            • #15
                              Re: Is this Animal a Real Live Demon?

                              Notice she never denied eating Christian babies....
                              Those are the best with guacamole.

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