[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

There once was a man from Nantucket . . .



Who kept Obama books in a bucket.

He said, "He's no good,

I wish he were wood!

If I were a woodchuck, I'd chuck it!"

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A priest, a cannibal, and a pedophile walk into a bar. Then a second guy walks in.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A priest, a cannibal, and a pedophile walk into a bar. Then a second guy walks in.

That's a good one sister.

Do you mind if I use that in my address to the Annual Pastor's Appreciation Banquet in Dubai next month?

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

God calls up the Pope one day, and tells him that He has some good news and some bad news.

Eagerly, the pleasure-greedy Ratzinger begs the Lord for the good news first.

"I've decided to clarify My Word, and be sure that all My children are following the One True Religion. All the false cults in the world will be subject to My One True Church, and expected to follow all My Laws, including tithing to My Church."

Greedily rubbing his hands together, anticipating all the donations flowing in and the indulgences the Catholics can sell, Ratzinger pauses and asks, "Lord, what's the bad news?"

"I'm calling you from Freehold."

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What did Abraham Lincoln say after coming off of a 3-day drunken binge?

'I freed the WHAT?!'

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Here's one that always goes down well at Bible study here in Freehold:

On Sunday morning, Pastor Deacon Fred asked each True Christian(TM) arriving for services whether they wanted to go to the Kingdom of God. After each answered, "Yes," he'd ask them to take a seat in one of the pews in the chapel. Finally, as Brother Amos approached, the good pastor asked him, "Do you want to go to the Kingdom of God?" "No sir, I don't." Pastor Deacon Fred, incredulouos, asked, "You mean to tell me that, when you die, you don't want to go to the Kingdom of God?" "Oh, when I die, yes, Pastor," Amos responded. "I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

It's probably a lot funnier if you know Brother Amos.

[Daniel Bugger]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

How Do You Get Holy Water?









You Boil The Hell Out Of It

Jokes must be running dry for you because you said that one 20 something pages ago.

I have a joke:
This cult.

Well enough witty remarks from me and time for a real joke;
Obama

No but seriously now for a knee slapper i found it slightly amusing.

Notes from God.

1) Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2) C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3) What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4) We Need To Talk - God
5) Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
6) Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7) That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8) I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9) Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10) Follow Me. - God
11) Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12) My Way Is The Highway. - God
13) Need Directions? - God
14) You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15) Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16) Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17) Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God

[Pater Doit]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

"God is dead" - Nietzsche

"Nietzsche is dead" - God

[This is just a joke. God never actually said that.]

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

No but seriously now for a knee slapper i found it slightly amusing.

Notes from God.

1) Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2) C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3) What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4) We Need To Talk - God
5) Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer! - God
6) Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7) That "Love Thy Neighbour" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8) I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9) Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10) Follow Me. - God
11) Big Bang Theory? You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12) My Way Is The Highway. - God
13) Need Directions? - God
14) You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15) Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16) Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17) Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! - God

I'm not finding the humor. Every one of these statements is a Godly message.

You forgot a few.

18) Cancer? Yeah, my bad. - God
19) Hurricane Katrina: Proof I Hate Poor Negroes. - God
20) AIDS IS My Judgment. - God

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Jesus left special instructions for the Mexicans before he temporarily died:




x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x

X
X
X




"Don't do anything until I get back!"
ROTFLWJ!!!!!

[Juliette]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

God calls up the Pope one day, and tells him that He has some good news and some bad news.

Eagerly, the pleasure-greedy Ratzinger begs the Lord for the good news first.

"I've decided to clarify My Word, and be sure that all My children are following the One True Religion. All the false cults in the world will be subject to My One True Church, and expected to follow all My Laws, including tithing to My Church."

Greedily rubbing his hands together, anticipating all the donations flowing in and the indulgences the Catholics can sell, Ratzinger pauses and asks, "Lord, what's the bad news?"

"I'm calling you from Freehold."

Haha. Great one Mr. Rodimer!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.' The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there
is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

[Judas]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens.

"What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the littlegirl.


The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.



A few days latter the preacher saw the little girl again.


"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man of God.

"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Pagan kittens," replied the girl.

"But...but... I thought you said last week that they were Christian kittens," sputtered the flabbergasted preacher.


"Oh, they were. But now thier eyes are open"!!!!!

[Mr. Jingles]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What do you call 20 lesbians with machine guns?

Militia Etheridge

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

And then the fight started.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... I took her to a gas station..

After retirement I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

"Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I
told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

You guessed it.