[A Lamb Alone]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Haha, well I am quite the fan of comedy, myself, so I jump at the chance to hear a good joke. However, with such sick minds out there I think that honestly the best way to laugh at the damned is to tell them myself, so here I go.

What's the difference between Abu Ghraib and the Marxist Cable media?

Nothing, they both enjoy $25,000 Pyramid.

--

Why can't Godless sodomites reproduce?

Because a baby is a gift from God, and He wouldn't want the gays to have Holy Shits, now, would he?

--

Evolution

--

"The theory of evolution by cumulative natural selection is the only theory we know of that is in principle capable of explaining the existence of organized complexity. " --This Richard Dawkins guy was a real crack up when performing his university stand up tour. I hope he comes back around again, soon.

[Nobar King]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to piffle off. __________________

[WWJDnow]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A Jew and an athiest decided to go pheasant hunting. Since they didn't know much about hunting, they had a sporting goods dealer supply them with everything they needed, from shotguns to hunting licenses to a trained bird dog.

After two days in the country without nabbing a single bird, the athiest turned to the Jew and said, "That dealer ripped us off--this mutt is no bird dog, and I'm going to shoot her right now."

"Wait!" implored the Jew, "We paid $500 for that dog, so let's give her one more chance."

"All right," said the athiest reluctantly. "You throw her in the air again, but if she doesn't fly this time, I'm going to waste her!"

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

[4HisGlory]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What's the difference between a joo and a pizza?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

[Marshall]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A Youth Pastor is preaching a sermon to a teen group of young offenders at the female wing of the Juvenile Detention Center when a guard comes in and says that a riot is happening and everyone needs to get out because a killer is on the loose.
The Youth Pastor looks him dead in the eye and says "Killer? I haven't even saved her yet!"

[WWJDnow]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

The Pope, the Mormon President, the Dalai Lama, and the head of the College Republicans were on a plane when the pilot died suddenly of a heart attack. The College Republican opened the emergency supply locker and, seeing that there were only three parachutes for the four passengers, asked the others how the parachutes should be distributed.

The Pope said, "Hundreds of millions of Catholics look to me for spiritual guidance, and my word is inerrant. I should get one of the parachutes." The young man handed the Pope a parachute, and the Pope jumped out of the plane.

The Mormon President said, "I am the leader of tens of millions of Mormons worldwide and the Prophet of the Lord. You should give me one of the parachutes." The College Republican handed the Mormon President one of the parachutes, and the Mormon President jumped out of the plane.

The Dalai Lama said, "I am an old man, have led a full life, have reached Enlightenment, and know that I will be reborn into another body to continue leading my people. Young man, you take the last parachute."

The College Republican responded, "Don't worry. The Prophet of the Lord just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."

[Nobar King]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

This came in my inbox today:
(Stop snickering and get you mind out of the gutter, Osborne.)

THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.


'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.

'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.

'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.

JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A VISIT.

WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.

THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.

AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED.

THE MAN REPLIED, ' ARIZONA.'

'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN ARIZONA ...'

'I KNOW,' THE MAN SAID. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '


THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.

1. DEATH

2. TAXES, AND

3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER

[Nobar King]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

And, I follow up with:

A pickup line:
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straightin the eye and said, “Listen up. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down... it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?”

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.' The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are ever so delicious!'

[Lola Handcock]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

One day a Pastor and a Brother took a Visitor fishing on boat.

Once in the Middle of the lake, the Pastor said" I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back" and to the visitors amazement stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards the shore.

When he had returned, the Brother said
"I need to use the restroom, be right back"

Again the visitor watched in amazement. Once the Brother returned, not wanting to be outdone, the visitor said " I need to use the restroom too"

As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sank.

The Pastor nudged the Brother and said "We should have told him where the rocks were"

[Nobar King]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

[Collective Judas]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

[. . .]
By the way, there was $4 missing.


I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.




Sincerely, Edna

HAHAHA!!!!!! That's great!

[Collective Judas]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A man dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted by St. Peter, who offers to give him a tour of heaven.

As the man walks around, he notices many clocks. Some go very fast, while others move very slowly.

When the tour is done, the man asks St. Peter why some clocks move at varied speeds. St. Peter replies, "Each clock represents a person. Every time you lie, your clock speeds up. As you can see, people's clocks are separated by career. Over here are teachers, and over there are doctors, for example."

The man nods. "Where are the politicians' clocks?" he asks.

St. Peter replies, "We're using them in the back as air conditioners."