[Rachael Van Helsing]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Speaking of swimming, Lady von Hellsing, did you ever see if you could float? I believe that this is the traditional test for Witches.

Well seeing as I was taught to swim I can, but I doubt that I would be able to with the traditional test of weights being tied to my feet, somehow.

A good hunting dog is worth 50 wives, any day of the week. Especially a good coon dog. Females are a dime a dozen.

I see. And have you spoken to BTB about these feelings?

And no wonder. Can you catch a man dinner?

Cook, yes. Catch...never tried that.

No, babies DON'T count.

Enough already! I don't eat babies!

[Jesus is Lord]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Bah, they might as well wear a wet-suit! All that's missing really is the dive goggles and oxygen tanks!

Wet suits are way to tight and are made of unGodly materials like rubber.

[Poetic Peter]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

The burkinis we've seen are basically flawed: men still see the woman's face, and that isviolation of Islamicslaw.

Googles and masks are out--impracticably hard on the woman to wear.
Suggesting now anti-sexy makeup instead for the face.

Zinc oxide ointment is white and opague--and it is a sunblocker as well,
and is well known to be safe and good for protecting skin, and it's waterproof.

Pure white, however, is geisha-like=still provocative of impure thoughts.

Enter Prussian Blue- tinting the white zinc oxide paste,


voila


looks like dead flesh=good!

[Peacekeeper (Quarantined)]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

I've got a mind buggler to think about:

The below statement is false
The above statement is true

[Rev. Dr. Davidson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like a dumb ass . . . . . . So, He sent me."

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Hahaha! It's funny because it's true.

[Rev. Dr. Davidson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Hahaha! It's funny because it's true.

It did make me laugh. The marines do generally(but not all) follow God and country in that order.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like a dumb ass . . . . . . So, He sent me."

LOL!!!!!!

***wipes tear from my eyes from laughing so hard****

Oh Bless You Brother! That was a FANTASTIC joke!

with Love, Sister Thumper

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Submitted to me by Heathen, Unsaved Trash

Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because he was nailed to the chicken!



Why didn't Jesus replace the stone from the tomb when he rose from the dead?

Well, he was born in a barn.



Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."



What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.



Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks...

"Can you put me up for the night?"



Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?

They keep falling through his hands.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Kids say the darnest things

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Rev. Dr. Davidson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)


These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Oregon, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

[virginWhore]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

Ok, I've got one that a musician friend told me the other day:

An amateur guitarist died one day, and as his life was filled with drunkeness, womanizing and waste, he found himself in hell.

As he gets to hell, the demons usher him through a doorway into a recording studio. He looks around the room, sees Gerry Garcia, Louis Armstrong, Jimi Hendrix is over in the corner tuning up, Duane Allman is over chatting with Jim Morrison.

Surely there's been a wonderful mistake, he thinks to himself. Gerry Garcia walks over and hands him a guitar, and he gets the nerve to speak,

"Gerry, I thought I was going to hell, but isn't this heaven?" he asks, and Gerry just shrugs and chuckles sadly to himself. "oh, this is hell all right".

At that moment, the door opens and Karen Carpenter strides in, walks over to the drum kit, and sits down, putting on her headphones, and yells to the room:

"ok everybody, get ready. This is 'Close to you', take 40,785. Let's try to get it RIGHT this time, shall we? 1...2...3...4..."



vw

[unsavedwretch1122 (On Moderation)]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

So a guy walks up to another guy.

They both stare at each other for a really long time.

"I wish I knew how to quit you."
"..."
Then, they tear off each other's clothes, and ravage each others bodies.

[Rev. Dr. Davidson]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

So, unsavedtrash1122 walks into a bar...
Bobby-Joe and the boys chain him/her/it to it,
and lights the fire

[Brother John]

Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

This thread is too hilarious, that in combination with me being exhausted, I'm practically falling off my chair