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Friends, we all know that the Rapture is nearly here, and we must be ever-vigilant for the return of our Lord & Saviour. I thought it would be a fun exercise for us to exchange the letters that we have written for our friends and unsaved "loved ones". Don't be shy!
Greetings Unsaved One,
By now you have noticed that the world is in chaos. The entire GOP has disappeared from government and the world is lost without President Sarah Palin. Since you have taken it upon yourself to break into my home and opened my refrigerator no doubt looking for leftover Filet Mignon, I take it that you are starving and desperate. At least enough to overpower my unsaved (but well-paid) security guards (unless this is you, Jamal, and if it is, know that I have put in a good word with Jesus for you).
Don't be frightened. The upcoming seven years will be filled with horrors you can't even imagine. By now, every city is starting to erupt in violence as the food supply runs low and people turn to crime to feed their starving younger children. In fact you may be searching for food for your starving toddler as you read this. Take hope: I have nourishment for you AND for your family. As Jesus said, " Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." (Matthew 4:4). Friend, I have meticulously had my hired help save each and every Word uttered by God in my cellar. I have stored over 500 King James Version Bibles in a humidity-controlled chamber, and they are yours to distribute. I know that you will find sustenance there, better than any steak ever concocted, even with all the trimmings.
The next several years will be worse than any movie Hollywood has ever dreamed. People will die. The AntiChrist will force everyone to do terrible things: he will try to force everyone to worship him and to get The Mark of the Beast in order to be able to buy or sell anything. DO NOT GET THIS MARK. You will be condemned to Hell forever if you do this.
Take heart, my friend. Trust in the Lord and know that He Loves you. Tell your children, as they waste away to nothing thanks to malnourishment that God loves them and wills that nothing bad should happen to them. Hold them in your arms as they lay starving and remind them that Jesus loves everyone, and wants no one to perish. And keep hope: once your painful death is over, you will be guaranteed a spot with Jesus (assuming you have accepted Him as your all-loving, all-kind Savior).
Keep hope! As each day passes, more trials and tribulations will face you. There will be disease. There will be famine. There will be fighting and violence. God will pour out his wrath on the World, even as He remains blameless in judging the World for acting according to the nature that He created them with. Angels will be dispatched to periodically add new hardships to your life. But remain strong in your Faith. The Lord is looking out for you. He is watching, rooting for you. Your loved ones will die. Your friends will turn on you. Your body will melt in the blistering boils that He places upon you. But remember that He loves you!
At the end of this period, if you are lucky enough to survive, there will be one Final Battle. A galactic war, almost as big as from Lord of the Rings. Millions will die, the battle will be fierce, but we already know who the winner is: Jesus! Our Lord and Saviour will ride in on His White Horse and save the World from the Destiny that He created! Isn't that wonderful? From that moment on, the world will be ruled with an iron fist by Our King, for a THOUSAND YEARS! We will live according to the precepts laid out in the Bible -- imagine such bliss? It will be like living at Landover, except without the $617,000 membership fee and $127,000 yearly cost. Presumably the Lord will magically vanish all of the carnage left over from the previous seven years of hell-on-earth, and we will live for a Thousand Years with Jesus as our King. And after that, if you're lucky, you will join us in Heaven, where we will have been watching the story-line play out like a realistic version of a Saw movie while on our couch-cloud with all of our friends, sipping Margaritas and singing praises to Jesus. Praise!
So take heart, my friend, for you shall soon be faced with the toughest seven years in the 6,000 year history of the earth. It will be difficult, and it will feel overwhelming, but remember that Jesus loves you. See you soon! I'll try to check in on you between tennis matches with Mary Magdalene.
Greetings Unsaved One,
By now you have noticed that the world is in chaos. The entire GOP has disappeared from government and the world is lost without President Sarah Palin. Since you have taken it upon yourself to break into my home and opened my refrigerator no doubt looking for leftover Filet Mignon, I take it that you are starving and desperate. At least enough to overpower my unsaved (but well-paid) security guards (unless this is you, Jamal, and if it is, know that I have put in a good word with Jesus for you).
Don't be frightened. The upcoming seven years will be filled with horrors you can't even imagine. By now, every city is starting to erupt in violence as the food supply runs low and people turn to crime to feed their starving younger children. In fact you may be searching for food for your starving toddler as you read this. Take hope: I have nourishment for you AND for your family. As Jesus said, " Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." (Matthew 4:4). Friend, I have meticulously had my hired help save each and every Word uttered by God in my cellar. I have stored over 500 King James Version Bibles in a humidity-controlled chamber, and they are yours to distribute. I know that you will find sustenance there, better than any steak ever concocted, even with all the trimmings.
The next several years will be worse than any movie Hollywood has ever dreamed. People will die. The AntiChrist will force everyone to do terrible things: he will try to force everyone to worship him and to get The Mark of the Beast in order to be able to buy or sell anything. DO NOT GET THIS MARK. You will be condemned to Hell forever if you do this.
Take heart, my friend. Trust in the Lord and know that He Loves you. Tell your children, as they waste away to nothing thanks to malnourishment that God loves them and wills that nothing bad should happen to them. Hold them in your arms as they lay starving and remind them that Jesus loves everyone, and wants no one to perish. And keep hope: once your painful death is over, you will be guaranteed a spot with Jesus (assuming you have accepted Him as your all-loving, all-kind Savior).
Keep hope! As each day passes, more trials and tribulations will face you. There will be disease. There will be famine. There will be fighting and violence. God will pour out his wrath on the World, even as He remains blameless in judging the World for acting according to the nature that He created them with. Angels will be dispatched to periodically add new hardships to your life. But remain strong in your Faith. The Lord is looking out for you. He is watching, rooting for you. Your loved ones will die. Your friends will turn on you. Your body will melt in the blistering boils that He places upon you. But remember that He loves you!
At the end of this period, if you are lucky enough to survive, there will be one Final Battle. A galactic war, almost as big as from Lord of the Rings. Millions will die, the battle will be fierce, but we already know who the winner is: Jesus! Our Lord and Saviour will ride in on His White Horse and save the World from the Destiny that He created! Isn't that wonderful? From that moment on, the world will be ruled with an iron fist by Our King, for a THOUSAND YEARS! We will live according to the precepts laid out in the Bible -- imagine such bliss? It will be like living at Landover, except without the $617,000 membership fee and $127,000 yearly cost. Presumably the Lord will magically vanish all of the carnage left over from the previous seven years of hell-on-earth, and we will live for a Thousand Years with Jesus as our King. And after that, if you're lucky, you will join us in Heaven, where we will have been watching the story-line play out like a realistic version of a Saw movie while on our couch-cloud with all of our friends, sipping Margaritas and singing praises to Jesus. Praise!
So take heart, my friend, for you shall soon be faced with the toughest seven years in the 6,000 year history of the earth. It will be difficult, and it will feel overwhelming, but remember that Jesus loves you. See you soon! I'll try to check in on you between tennis matches with Mary Magdalene.
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