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  • maxil
    Unsaved trash
    Under Investigation
    • Nov 2006
    • 5

    #1

    True christians

    Marcus 16: 15-18

    15And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

    16He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.

    17And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;

    18They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.


    Thus, if you are a true christian, you can start by moving to a hospital and cure all those people inside.
  • MoonFlower
    True Christian™
    • Sep 2006
    • 522

    #2
    Re: True christians

    Uh huh. So, what about me? What should I do??

    Moon
    You pray...I dance naked in the forest

    Comment

    • Enobarbus
      Professor of English Landover University
      True Christian™
      • Sep 2006
      • 3496

      #3
      Re: True christians

      Originally posted by MoonFlower View Post
      Uh huh. So, what about me? What should I do??

      Moon
      You should give up your licentious and frivolous lifestyle young lady and become a True Christian™. Stop your fornicating with woodland animals, skinning cats, and trying to kidnap Baptist babies from church carparks. Repent, beg the Lord for forgiveness, and tithe to Landover!

      This is the only way to ensure the safety of your Aeternal soul!
      Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

      Comment

      • Enobarbus
        Professor of English Landover University
        True Christian™
        • Sep 2006
        • 3496

        #4
        Re: True christians

        Originally posted by maxil View Post
        Marcus 16: 15-18

        15And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.

        16He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.

        17And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;

        18They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.


        Thus, if you are a true christian, you can start by moving to a hospital and cure all those people inside.
        Don't be ridiculous. God has made those people ill for a purpose. Would you advocate interferring with the will of God?
        Revelation 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.

        Comment

        • MoonFlower
          True Christian™
          • Sep 2006
          • 522

          #5
          Re: True christians

          Originally posted by Enobarbus View Post
          Stop your fornicating with woodland animals...
          Ew! Sorry, I stick to my species, Eno.

          Originally posted by Enobarbus View Post
          ...skinning cats...
          How cruel! I would never do such a thing!

          Originally posted by Enobarbus View Post
          ...and trying to kidnap Baptist babies from church carparks.
          The only time I d in the car when it was close to 100 degrees outside! The poor thing would have suffocated in there! Besides, I gave the child back to its parents.

          Originally posted by Enobarbus View Post
          Repent, beg the Lord for forgiveness, and tithe to Landover!
          BJ makes me beg for forgiveness every night. And I always tithe to Landover, if not Pa'daddy said he'd burn me at the stake.

          Moon
          You pray...I dance naked in the forest

          Comment

          • Pastor Isaac Peters
            Senior Pastor
            Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™
            Always Biblically correct
            True Christian™
            • Sep 2006
            • 10639

            #6
            Re: True christians

            Originally posted by maxil View Post
            Thus, if you are a true christian, you can start by moving to a hospital and cure all those people inside.
            Dear friend:

            We follow the entire Bible; we don't cherry-pick the parts that make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Since Scripture interprets Scripture, let's look at some Scripture teachings that you didn't bother to cite:

            James 5:14-16: Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

            In other words, the laying on of hands to cure people is for people who are "among you" (i.e., True Christians™) and who have confessed their faults to other True Christians™.

            We can't waste our time going around and laying hands on any old hellbound trash. It wouldn't do them any good anyway, since they lack faith:

            Matt. 9:22: But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.

            Finally, let us consider, as Pastor Enobarbus has so excellently stated, why those people are sick in the first place. The Bible says what will happen if we obey God's law:

            Exodus 23:25: And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.

            ... and what will happen if we don't:

            Deut. 28:21-22: The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest to possess it. The LORD shall smite thee with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish.
            This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

            Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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            • maxil
              Unsaved trash
              Under Investigation
              • Nov 2006
              • 5

              #7
              Re: True christians

              Originally posted by More Saved Than Thou View Post
              Dear friend:

              We follow the entire Bible; we don't cherry-pick the parts that make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Since Scripture interprets Scripture, let's look at some Scripture teachings that you didn't bother to cite:
              Alright

              James 5:14-16: Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
              So true cristian people can get sick, but not every true christian can heal them, even if it says so in the bibble.

              We can't waste our time going around and laying hands on any old hellbound trash. It wouldn't do them any good anyway, since they lack faith
              I remember jesus curing a lot of people.

              Finally, let us consider, as Pastor Enobarbus has so excellently stated, why those people are sick in the first place. The Bible says what will happen if we obey God's law:

              Exodus 23:25: And ye shall serve the LORD your God, and he shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee.
              So true christians wont get sick.

              Alright, so:
              - Every true christian has the ability to cure people
              - True christians never get sick because god cures them
              - True christians get sick, but they need to get cured by the church
              - You do not cure other people because they dont have faith

              Did jesus only cure people who already believed?

              Comment

              • Pastor Ezekiel
                Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                 
                • Sep 2006
                • 78552

                #8
                Re: True christians

                Originally posted by maxil View Post
                Alright, so:
                - Every true christian has the ability to cure people
                - True christians never get sick because god cures them
                - True christians get sick, but they need to get cured by the church
                - You do not cure other people because they dont have faith

                You're starting to catch on, friend!

                Did jesus only cure people who already believed?
                Of course! Do you have any scriptural evidence that he did otherwise?
                Who Will Jesus Damn?

                Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                Comment

                • Pastor Rune Enoe
                  Apostle of the North
                   
                  • Sep 2006
                  • 11678

                  #9
                  Re: True christians

                  Originally posted by Enobarbus View Post
                  Don't be ridiculous. God has made those people ill for a purpose. Would you advocate interferring with the will of God?
                  Excellent point, Brother. Some people are deliberately crippled by Jesus to give Him an opportunity to demonstrate His powers:

                  John 9:2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
                  John 9:3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

                  Suppose Jesus came back tomorrow and wanted to make the works of God manifest in a blind man - only to find out the blind man had already been cured? That would make Jesus look all silly and let me assure you that Baby Jesus doesn't like to lose His face. Let's not forget that it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
                  A wise man’s heart inclines him to the right, but a fool’s heart to the left. (Ecclesiastes 10:2)

                  Comment

                  • Sister Rebecca
                    True Christian™
                    True Christian™
                    • Sep 2006
                    • 390

                    #10
                    Re: True christians

                    Jesus doesn't like cripples.
                    Deuteronony 23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

                    He doesn't like bastards.
                    Deuteronomy 23:2 A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

                    He doesn't like women that dress like men or vice versa.
                    Deuteronomy 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God.

                    Oh, the list goes on and on and on.
                    Point is, pansy-ass, God has the right to make His rules how He sees fit. If He wants all the credit for curing the sick or otherwise infirm of the world, who are we to question Him? We just follow the Bible (NOT the "bibble" as you put it heathen) in its entirety. Don't you think its high time you turned your life to the Lord as He wants you to? You don't have much time. The end is near. If you don't want to be turned on a spit by Satan and his diesel dyke rug muncher girlfriends, I suggest you start turning to Jesus now! You can start your path to True Salvation (tm) by hitting that paypal button at the bottom.
                    Jesus is watching you masturbate.

                    Nunquam concumbo dutch puellus intra clunis.

                    numquam futuis, puer Batavica ad te asinus praesepe

                    Comment

                    • maxil
                      Unsaved trash
                      Under Investigation
                      • Nov 2006
                      • 5

                      #11
                      Re: True christians

                      Originally posted by Sister Rebecca View Post
                      You can start your path to True Salvation (tm) by hitting that paypal button at the bottom.
                      I only need to believe in jesus.

                      My point was, why would trye christians have the ability to cure people, if true christians never need to be cured, and you will never cure other people?

                      Comment

                      • Pastor Isaac Peters
                        Senior Pastor
                        Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™
                        Always Biblically correct
                        True Christian™
                        • Sep 2006
                        • 10639

                        #12
                        Re: True christians

                        Originally posted by maxil View Post
                        I only need to believe in jesus.
                        Really?

                        James 2:19: Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble.

                        As you can see, there is considerably more to the Holy Bible than John 3:16.
                        This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

                        Questions to ask liberal "Christians"Things that the Bible doesn't sayTolerance

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                        Comment

                        • SalvationSeeker
                          True Christian™ Theologian
                          Forum Member
                          • Sep 2006
                          • 3892

                          #13
                          Re: True christians

                          Originally posted by maxil View Post
                          I only need to believe in jesus.
                          In additon to what brother MSTT pointed out.

                          Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven;
                          But he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
                          Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? And in thy name have cast out devils?
                          And in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
                          Matthew 7:21-23

                          But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?
                          Was not Abraham our father justified by works, when he had offered Isaac his son upon the altar?
                          Seest thou how faith wrought with his works, and by works was faith made perfect?
                          And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness:
                          And he was called the Friend of God. Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only.
                          James 2:20-24

                          For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also.
                          James 2:26
                          If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
                          A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
                          Proverbs 9:12-13

                          Comment

                          • maxil
                            Unsaved trash
                            Under Investigation
                            • Nov 2006
                            • 5

                            #14
                            Re: True christians

                            From one of the bibble quizes on the site:

                            6. This man truly believed Jesus is the Son of God but refused to turn His life over to the Lord, instead, continuing a crime spree including rape, child molestation and murder.

                            Correct Answer: A (Heaven) John merely says you have to believe in Jesus to experience everlasting life, not that you have to follow or obey Jesus.

                            This I why I said that about jesus, but thats not the point of this topic.

                            Comment

                            • maxil
                              Unsaved trash
                              Under Investigation
                              • Nov 2006
                              • 5

                              #15
                              Re: True christians



                              Thats the link to the quize I was talking about

                              Comment

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