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Friends, we all know that Mormons are FALSE CHRISTIANS and will spend eternity in HELL licking the bathroom floors of the Pentagon.
But our church has grown so large that not everyone can afford to live in our gated community of Freehold anymore. The fifty thousand acres are already congested. You can almost see your neighbor's mansion from your top floor and the place is being overrun with Mexes and chinks who come in to huddle around their tepees after 14 hours a day in the fields. I am partially to blame and I admit it. When I smuggled my house chink, Ching Lee out of China, her parents guaranteed me she would work hard and obey my every command. As most of you know, over the past years since she turned eighteen, she has been sassy and wild and frequents places like Bok Choy Lee's Won-Ton wagon and similar places outside the gates.
Be that as it may, I tossed her out of the main house and plan to burn down the guest house as soon as all the Freehold chinks show up there for a party of boiled cat and popsicles. I still don't know how they get in. Certainly not through the gate....and I am thinking it might be time for Bobby-Joe to start considering retirement. Obviously our security isn't what it should be.
But I am off-track. I recognize that GOD has not blessed each one of you with abundant worldly goods yet. This is primarily because you have been cheating on your tithes, and we have roving teams of financial counselors who visit people who cheat JESUS out of the money they owe Him. Don't fool yourself! We know who you are!
Still, with the economy failing and Armageddon upon us, we want those of you who live in public areas to reach out to your Mormon neighbors, at least enough to find out where they live and how heavily they are armed. When the end comes, GOD expects that you will visit all of the ones you can safely reach and reclaim the supply of food and water each Mormon family is supposed to have pre-stolen from the Christians.
GOD teaches us to tear down the walls of Jericho (Salt Lake City) and take everything for the LORD as described in Joshua 6. Naturally, you may keep the women who have not 'known' a man for yourselves. You will need slaves to carry supplies, and nubile teen girls are excellent for that purpose.
If they serve you well, and you can afford to feed and clothe them, you may keep them as concubines or sell them as slaves, but don't forget to pay their tithes to the church and the other attendant taxes on heathens.
As the end draws nearer, I will have more advice passed directly to the church elders from JESUS. Those actually residing at Landover Proper are safe forever as you well know, and the sermons I give there remain there. But we are not unconcerned with the millions of Landover tithers who live in Pennsylvania or California, and we will advise you as best we can until you manage to reach Landover (The new Jersusalem after the ragheads nuke the other one) or die enroute.
Good tidings to all!
Your Pal
Pastor Al
But our church has grown so large that not everyone can afford to live in our gated community of Freehold anymore. The fifty thousand acres are already congested. You can almost see your neighbor's mansion from your top floor and the place is being overrun with Mexes and chinks who come in to huddle around their tepees after 14 hours a day in the fields. I am partially to blame and I admit it. When I smuggled my house chink, Ching Lee out of China, her parents guaranteed me she would work hard and obey my every command. As most of you know, over the past years since she turned eighteen, she has been sassy and wild and frequents places like Bok Choy Lee's Won-Ton wagon and similar places outside the gates.
Be that as it may, I tossed her out of the main house and plan to burn down the guest house as soon as all the Freehold chinks show up there for a party of boiled cat and popsicles. I still don't know how they get in. Certainly not through the gate....and I am thinking it might be time for Bobby-Joe to start considering retirement. Obviously our security isn't what it should be.
But I am off-track. I recognize that GOD has not blessed each one of you with abundant worldly goods yet. This is primarily because you have been cheating on your tithes, and we have roving teams of financial counselors who visit people who cheat JESUS out of the money they owe Him. Don't fool yourself! We know who you are!
Still, with the economy failing and Armageddon upon us, we want those of you who live in public areas to reach out to your Mormon neighbors, at least enough to find out where they live and how heavily they are armed. When the end comes, GOD expects that you will visit all of the ones you can safely reach and reclaim the supply of food and water each Mormon family is supposed to have pre-stolen from the Christians.
GOD teaches us to tear down the walls of Jericho (Salt Lake City) and take everything for the LORD as described in Joshua 6. Naturally, you may keep the women who have not 'known' a man for yourselves. You will need slaves to carry supplies, and nubile teen girls are excellent for that purpose.
If they serve you well, and you can afford to feed and clothe them, you may keep them as concubines or sell them as slaves, but don't forget to pay their tithes to the church and the other attendant taxes on heathens.
As the end draws nearer, I will have more advice passed directly to the church elders from JESUS. Those actually residing at Landover Proper are safe forever as you well know, and the sermons I give there remain there. But we are not unconcerned with the millions of Landover tithers who live in Pennsylvania or California, and we will advise you as best we can until you manage to reach Landover (The new Jersusalem after the ragheads nuke the other one) or die enroute.
Good tidings to all!
Your Pal
Pastor Al
when Jesus finally comes back, so I keep hoping I will be in Freehold when He decides Enough is Enough.
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