I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

[Faith_Machine]

Being a real cat lover, I was naturally very concerned when I saw the following news:


Former Navy chaplain insists gay demons can infect animals




Unfortunately, this bit of biased "journalism" is obviously more concerned with trashing Brother Klingenschmitt than with providing useful information, as the following passage is as close as it gets to shedding light on the subject:

“It is entirely possible — we know from the Bible, for example, when Jesus cast the devil out of Legion, he went into a herd of pigs,” Klingenschmitt said. “So, it is possible for demons or the devil to inhabit or invade animals just the same way they invade humans, and that causes the sin of lust.”

“So, what you’re saying is, in humans it’s marketing that makes people gay; in animals, it’s the souls of gay humans who have invaded the animals,” Pacman replied. “That makes them gay?”

Klingenschmitt laughed and scratched his temple. “Well, I think you twisted what I’m saying there,” he said.

“No, I don’t think I did,” Pacman responded.

So which is it? Is animal homosexuality caused by gay demons, or is it caused by the souls of gay people?

Quite frankly, I can't find anything in the Bible indicating that a queer's soul has the ability to possess an animal, but I'm certainly going to keep my cats far away from gay people just to be on the safe side!

I'm still worried, though, because it it's demons, as opposed to gay people's souls, then keeping my cats away from gay people isn't going to do much good.

Are there any good preventative prayer rituals I should subject my cats to perform?

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

Forgive me, brother, but I fear you are missing the point. Klingenschmitt is saying we should throw cats at gay people in order that they might soak up the demons that torment them with unnatural lusts. Since cats have no souls, this helps Jesus' bottom line!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

I could never do such a thing! Cats are precious, loving creatures, and should always be treated with tenderness!

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

I might be willing to adopt some kitties that have been rescued from gay households. Provided they passed a feline HIV check, of course. I wouldn't want them infecting my existing cats.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

I could never do such a thing! Cats are precious, loving creatures, and should always be treated with tenderness!

I agree! Cats should be tenderized. They are often stringy.

Er, I hear.

So, Brother FM, are your pussies infested with gay demons? How could this have happened? Were they reading the new JC Penney catalog, with the lesbians?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

I feel confident they are not currently infected with gay demons, and I'd really like to keep it that way! I like to take really good care of the pussies. I brush both of them at least once a day. They like it when I give them little kisses on their lips.

[Yea-tho-we-walk]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

I feel confident they are not currently infected with gay demons, and I'd really like to keep it that way! I like to take really good care of the pussies. I brush both of them at least once a day. They like it when I give them little kisses on their lips.

Maybe I'm just unlucky but everytime I get too close to a puddy-tat, I am overpowered by a demonic, God awful stench that smells exactly like hell itself. On the positive side, I've heard that pussy cats, since about the mid eighties, have been getting less hairy for some reason. It's been several years since I've been up close and personal with a pussy cat, so maybe I'll give it another shot in the near future.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

Forgive me, brother, but I fear you are missing the point. Klingenschmitt is saying we should throw cats at gay people in order that they might soak up the demons that torment them with unnatural lusts. Since cats have no souls, this helps Jesus' bottom line!

Is this why people should avoid a black cat crossing their path? Maybe the gay demons turn the cat's coat black, the color of sin, and that's how we know which cats are infested with homosexual demons?

Brother Faith Machine, are your cats black by any chance? Are their little coats getting darker?

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

Is this why people should avoid a black cat crossing their path? Maybe the gay demons turn the cat's coat black, the color of sin, and that's how we know which cats are infested with homosexual demons?

Brother Faith Machine, are your cats black by any chance? Are their little coats getting darker?

It's a well known fact that there is a preponderance of gays among the jigs, and jigs among the gays, so much in fact that they have special parades.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

It's a well known fact that there is a preponderance of gays among the jigs, and jigs among the gays, so much in fact that they have special parades.

A parade with nothing but large, muscular, glistening nubian queers?

Does Rev. Rodimer know about this?

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

A parade with nothing but large, muscular, glistening nubian queers?

Does Rev. Rodimer know about this?

I had never heard of such a thing, Zeke.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Joint Missioning Road Trip! Who's in, besides you? I've got a couple of deacons who'd probably enjoy a chance to practicing their witnessing.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

Well I wound up not driving to Utah to mentor that little whore girl, so I suppose I could bring my van. Oh, and my camcorder, of course. To document the inspirational preaching. Of course.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

I had never heard of such a thing, Zeke.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Joint Missioning Road Trip! Who's in, besides you? I've got a couple of deacons who'd probably enjoy a chance to practicing their witnessing.

I have attended every year since I was saved (and a few times before that as well). They are a depraved cult, devoid of Christ's Conditional Love and Forgiveness(tm), obsessed with sodomistic savagery and crimes against the anus. I recommend we distract their wizards and astrologers using prayers of imprecation, long enough to break the spell they hold over the foot soldiers, in whom the AIDS has not yet reached the brain.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

I have attended every year since I was saved (and a few times before that as well). They are a depraved cult, devoid of Christ's Conditional Love and Forgiveness™, obsessed with sodomistic savagery and crimes against the anus. I recommend we distract their wizards and astrologers using prayers of imprecation, long enough to break the spell they hold over the foot soldiers, in whom the AIDS has not yet reached the brain.

I take it you are in, Brother!

This will be such a great witnessing opportunity!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I need clarification regarding queer demons infecting pets.

I have attended every year since I was saved (and a few times before that as well). They are a depraved cult, devoid of Christ's Conditional Love and Forgiveness™, obsessed with sodomistic savagery and crimes against the anus. I recommend we distract their wizards and astrologers using prayers of imprecation, long enough to break the spell they hold over the foot soldiers, in whom the AIDS has not yet reached the brain.

Is there a secure hotel in the vicinity? I'd like to rent out an entire floor of suites for the kind of witnessing I'd like us to do.

Also I like my suite to have a back door.