[WWJDnow]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

Omg this is so great!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! I want in so bad

Narrow is the gate, NCOH. You'll need to complete a Landover Baptist Church membership application, available from our pastoral offices. Please attach high school and Bible college transcripts, tax returns for the last 15 years, audited financial statements for the last 15 years, a letter of recommendation from your private wealth management financial advisor or private banker, and notarized copies of your current paystub, bank and brokerage account statements, and tithing record from your current church. If you'd like, you can also submit a brief (no more than 100 words!) statement regarding why you would like to join the Landover Baptist Church.

The wait list is nearly four years at the moment, so it may take a while for the church to get back to you.

[GloryBeToGod]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

Oh Glory be to God that this once satanic jackass has been turned into a noble steed by the Light of God! Oh Praise Jesus!!

[WWJDnow]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

I'm reviving this thread because sometimes I feel incredibly homesick for Freehold. There are just so many memories there, and I'm only able to visit for a few weeks every year. I know that God has called me to preach to the heathens and homosexuals in Greenwich Village, but I do truly long to be back in my hometown.

In New York, nobody I meet is Saved, and it seems like half the people I meet are negroes or hispanics or Italians or some other kind of non-white person. Just walking down the street makes me feel dirty, but no amount of scrubbing can eliminate the stench of decay and sin.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like?

I'm reviving this thread because sometimes I feel incredibly homesick for Freehold. There are just so many memories there, and I'm only able to visit for a few weeks every year.

The thing Freehold has to offer is freedom from temptation. None of us needs to put our eternity at risk by being close to sin. The further away the safer our eternity.

We in Freehold's City Government work hard to keep temptation away from our citizens. Lawns all look the same, houses as well. People are all white and dress alike. I like it when people say, "Freehold is safe." They are not referring to crime, although we have no crime. They are referring to safe from temptation and sin itself.

[WWJDnow]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

Yes, under Mayor Hold's strong and wise guidance, Freehold is free from all sins of the flesh. There are no saloons, no gambling halls, no drugs, no jazz or rock or rap music, no minorities or immigrants (except for our domestic servants, who know their place in our community), no bums, no false churches, no witches, no immoral books in the public and school libraries, no homosexuals or masturbators or other sexual deviants, no divorces, no Democrats, and no prostitutes. The cable provider carries only Christian channels. The Great Freehold Firewall blocks all pornography on the Internet. There is a gun store for every 100 residents, so weapons for self protection are readily available at most reasonable prices.

This does not mean that Freeholders are unkind to strangers. Far from it--every year the town sponsors "bring a Jew to church day," on which Pastor Ezekiel delivers a powerful sermon letting the Jews know that they can be saved if only they accept Jesus as their personal Savior and apologize for killing Him.

In short, Freehold is paradise on Earth. Thank you Mayor Johny Joe Hold for your inspiring leadership of our beloved city, and thank you Jesus for blessing us so.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

You want to talk about service? One time I was in Freehold and some punks played their stereo too loud. All it took was a quick call to Johny on his private line and security arrived and evicted the jerks right in time to enjoy the July 4th fireworks in peace.

[James Hutchins]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

I recall hearing some rock and roll song that had to be about Freehold. It was sung by some female, Belinda or something. The song was called, IIRC, 'Heaven On Earth'. Though I am still a big fan of classical, normal music.

[WWJDnow]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

One of the best things about Freehold is the womenfolk. Women know their place is in the home raising their children and obeying their husbands. They dress modestly but in a feminine manner. They save themselves for marriage. They don't try to develop their minds beyond what they need to know to be good homemakers and good Christians. They don't talk back to men. They don't try to take jobs away from men. They cook well and keep a clean house. They grow up learning how to please a man (using only the missionary position, of course--no perverted oral sex or sodomy, thank you). They happily segregate themselves during their monthly unclean time. And they're guaranteed to be 100% white.

Men, if you're looking for an obedient white woman with strong homemaking skills, you want at least six children, and you have a substantial income, marrying a Freehold girl (assuming she's at least 13 years old--we don't want any pedophiles) is your ticket to a blissful married life. Remember, the fathers have the final say in marriage, so you need to impress your girl's dad while you are courting her.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

One of the best things about Freehold is the womenfolk. Women know their place is in the home raising their children and obeying their husbands. They dress modestly but in a feminine manner. They save themselves for marriage. They don't try to develop their minds beyond what they need to know to be good homemakers and good Christians. They don't talk back to men. They don't try to take jobs away from men.

I have to admit Freehold Public Schools has struggled a bit on what Christian girls should study if they don't marry early and stay in school. Women at the Senior Center sometimes ask if our school still has the typing class for girls they remember.

Typing classes were thought to be a good back in the day. Girls graduated, took jobs as secretaries for a short while then married and left the work force. Then, a few got jobs typing and moved up in their organization to become career women. Typing was a gateway out of the woman's appropriate station in life.

We tried eliminating the typing class and limiting study for girls to home economics. Another problem cropped up, Landover Baptist needed secretaries with typing skills.

Now, we allow girls to operate computer keyboards if we are certain they will put this skill to work for Jesus. Girls get jobs at Landover Baptist but leave to marry and raise children.

[WWJDnow]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

My mother used to say, "Scratch the surface of a career woman and you'll find a lesbian inside." Just the thought of two women having sex nauseates me more than anything else. Thank God there are no lesbians in Freehold! The last time we had a lesbian in town was Sharon Moorhead back in the '90s, and she was cured when Pastor Deacon Fred exorcised the lesbian demon that had possessed her.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

My mother used to say, "Scratch the surface of a career woman and you'll find a lesbian inside." Just the thought of two women having sex nauseates me more than anything else. Thank God there are no lesbians in Freehold! The last time we had a lesbian in town was Sharon Moorhead back in the '90s, and she was cured when Pastor Deacon Fred exorcised the lesbian demon that had possessed her.

Ah yes, Moorhead. I think that was her professional name. She worked with Rocky Balboner and John Cutesack, or am I thinking of Vadgelina Ho'lie? Back then I followed the art scene studiously.

In bygone days, they would more than scratch the surface of lesbians. What do they even do anyway?!

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

In bygone days, they would more than scratch the surface of lesbians. What do they even do anyway?!

Nothing, brother. Lesbians are all celibate. In fact they can't have sexual relations because neither of them has a you-know-what.

[WWJDnow]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

There's one other thing about Freehold that I truly love. In Freehold, we all look out for each other, and support each other when we are tempted by sin.

If you're found having dinner alone with someone else's wife, your fellow Freeholders will report this to your wife and her husband. If you're a woman walking down the street and your skirt is so short that it reveals any part of your leg above the ankle, people on the street will tell you to stop acting like Jezebel. If you're listening to non-Christian music, your neighbors will all stop by to ask you to turn it off. If you're having financial difficulties and can't pay your church tithe, your friends will all pray for you so that you will speedily resolve those issues be allowed back into Sunday services. If your children are misbehaving, your fellow Freeholders will whip them for you. If anyone sees you commit a sin--and everyone is always watching you--they'll report it to a deacon and Pastor Ezekiel will call you out for it in Sunday services. If you continue to sin--not that anybody does--the whole town will shun you.

This makes it nearly impossible to sin in Freehold, and that much easier to avoid the Devil's temptations. You don't see a sense of community like this in New York City!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

There's one other thing about Freehold that I truly love. In Freehold, we all look out for each other, and support each other when we are tempted by sin.

This makes it nearly impossible to sin in Freehold, and that much easier to avoid the Devil's temptations. You don't see a sense of community like this in New York City!

I often tell my Freehold citizens, "If you see sin, report it." Keeping the lid on sin makes Freehold a happy healthy city.

[WWJDnow]

Re: What is Freehold, Iowa like? thred

I often tell my Freehold citizens, "If you see sin, report it." Keeping the lid on sin makes Freehold a happy healthy city.

I don't think it works unless you call from within Freehold city limits, but Mayor Hold instituted a program that lets you call or text 1-888-STOP-SIN that can dispatch police, Church security, and/or the duty officer at the Landover Baptist Church Convocation of Deacons when you see a sin being committed. Of course, for non-emergency situations, you can always just call the deacons' office during normal business hours or spread the rumor to your neighbors yourself.

I think you all have gleaned this already from reading this thread, but one of the most amazing things about Freehold, Iowa is our mayor. He's a true forward-thinking arch-conservative. He's reduced taxes on the rich and government services and government handouts to a bare minimum all while keeping our community safe and sinless. I still remember when he fought to remove all of of the traffic lights and stop signs because they were just another way big government was pushing us ordinary folk around. That's the kind of man he is. I can't tell you how lucky we are to have Johny Joe Hold as our elected leader.