Tweet
Friends, it is with a heavy heart that I bring you the following COMMUNITY ALERT, which I received directly from the office of Mayor Johnny Joe Hold.
As you all know, the parking lot across the street from Landover Cathedral has giant video screens so crippled people can sit in their cars (or in their little electric wheelchairs if they can't afford cars) and watch the sermons without violating Leviticus 21:17-23 by entering a church.
What you may not have been aware of is that the church sends volunteers out to the parking lot to "make the rounds," as it were, and collect tithes and love offerings from the crippled people right where they sit. This is important because it saves the crippled the extra trouble of having to mail their donations. Also, sometimes people get forgetful and don't mail their donations in a timely fashion.
Anyway, it has come to our attention that a day laborer who tends Freehold's gardens, one Jorge A. Cabron, has gone AWOL. He is supposed to pass through Freehold's gates every morning at dawn, and leave every day at sundown.
Unfortunately, he did not exit Freehold's gates seven days ago, and has been absent from his job for as many days.
We have received several reports of him going up to crippled people in the parking lot and soliciting contributions from them.
This is the only known photograph of Cabron:
Rev. Jim Osborne reports that one of his sky blue suits, along with several shirts and ties, have disappeared from his home. We believe Mr. Cabron is wearing Rev. Osborne's suit, as the two have roughly similar physiques.
All cleaned up in a suit and tie, Cabron is apparently able to do a convincing job of posing as a church official and tricking seniors and cripples into handing over money that is rightfully Jesus'.
We do not know where Cabron is sleeping, nor do we know how he's acquiring food and water. Please keep all doors and windows locked, and until further notice, please destroy all food sources which can not be secured, such as "victory gardens" or apple trees.
Please be on the look-out for this man, and please be prepared to go into CODE YELLOW LOCK-DOWN if Mayor Joe Hold so orders.
Thank you.
As you all know, the parking lot across the street from Landover Cathedral has giant video screens so crippled people can sit in their cars (or in their little electric wheelchairs if they can't afford cars) and watch the sermons without violating Leviticus 21:17-23 by entering a church.
What you may not have been aware of is that the church sends volunteers out to the parking lot to "make the rounds," as it were, and collect tithes and love offerings from the crippled people right where they sit. This is important because it saves the crippled the extra trouble of having to mail their donations. Also, sometimes people get forgetful and don't mail their donations in a timely fashion.
Anyway, it has come to our attention that a day laborer who tends Freehold's gardens, one Jorge A. Cabron, has gone AWOL. He is supposed to pass through Freehold's gates every morning at dawn, and leave every day at sundown.
Unfortunately, he did not exit Freehold's gates seven days ago, and has been absent from his job for as many days.
We have received several reports of him going up to crippled people in the parking lot and soliciting contributions from them.
This is the only known photograph of Cabron:
Rev. Jim Osborne reports that one of his sky blue suits, along with several shirts and ties, have disappeared from his home. We believe Mr. Cabron is wearing Rev. Osborne's suit, as the two have roughly similar physiques.
All cleaned up in a suit and tie, Cabron is apparently able to do a convincing job of posing as a church official and tricking seniors and cripples into handing over money that is rightfully Jesus'.
We do not know where Cabron is sleeping, nor do we know how he's acquiring food and water. Please keep all doors and windows locked, and until further notice, please destroy all food sources which can not be secured, such as "victory gardens" or apple trees.
Please be on the look-out for this man, and please be prepared to go into CODE YELLOW LOCK-DOWN if Mayor Joe Hold so orders.
Thank you.
Comment