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I am a worthless, dirty rotton sinner and a thorn in your side. Please forgive me for constantly annoying you with my sins! Please don't send me to hell!
Amen!
PRAISE JESUS!
Amen!
PRAISE JESUS!
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Re: Dear Jesus...
That was a pretty decent prayer; but don't beg not to be sent to hell. Go with some dignity. After all, you do deserve it.Originally posted by JonathanClement View Post -
Re: Dear Jesus...
Oh, okay, I'll try it again...Originally posted by Deaner View Post
Dear Jesus!
I am a worthless, dirty rotton sinner and a thorn in your side. Please forgive me for constantly annoying you with my sins! I turn my life over to you! I renounce my evil, heather, secular, liberal ways and am a true patriot of Jesus Land! (A.K.A., The U.S.A.).
Amen!
How was that?Comment
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Re: Dear Jesus...
I thought Mark Twain was an atheist scumbag who is already burning in hell.Originally posted by Deaner View Post
Anyway, I'm sure he could spell....
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!Comment
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Re: Dear Jesus...
I see nothing in there about tithing. You don't intend to rob God, do you, son?This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.
Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance
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Re: Dear Jesus...
Mark Twain was a Deist.Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View PostI thought Mark Twain was an atheist scumbag who is already burning in hell.
Anyway, I'm sure he could spell....
Technicality, he's still burning in Hell. Believing in God isn't enough, if you don't believe in the KJV.
Praise Him!Comment
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Re: Dear Jesus...
Fine, fine.Originally posted by Pastor Isaac Peters View Post
Dear Jesus!
I am a worthless, dirty rotton sinner and a thorn in your side. Please forgive me for constantly annoying you with my sins! I turn my life over to you! I renounce my evil, heathen, secular, liberal ways and am a true patriot of Jesus Land! (A.K.A., The U.S.A.). I also promise to give 10% of my paycheck to the church! And do whatever your mouth piece, Pastor Deacon Fred asks of me!
Amen!Comment
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Re: Dear Jesus...
Dare you come here to mock us, DEMON? Because it is you who will be mocked by the saints when you are in hell begging for a unattainable drop of water to ease the eternal, unquenchable thirst that you have brought upon yourself by words such as yours!Mark 16:17 And these attesting signs will accompany those who believe: in My Name they will drive out demons.
1 Kings 21:14 Then they sent to Jezebel, saying, Naboth is stoned . . .
A SPIRITUAL WARFARE PRAYER:
Father, In Jesus' Name, I take the Blood of Jesus and break the power of all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, wiccans, pagans, and any other source, and all of their rituals off of us. With the Blood of Jesus, I erase all evil lines drawn on our liver. . .
LANDOVER BAPTIST DEMON HUNTING PERMIT #00666-27
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Re: Dear Jesus...
Sister Thyme,Originally posted by Justina Thyme View Post
You are so lovely when you are angry.
Leviticus 26:27-29
27 And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;
28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.
29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.Comment
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Re: Dear Jesus...
I appreciate a well-timed compliment. Yours, unfortunately, is not. Please refrain from trying to distract me and others from my Godly work.Mark 16:17 And these attesting signs will accompany those who believe: in My Name they will drive out demons.
1 Kings 21:14 Then they sent to Jezebel, saying, Naboth is stoned . . .
A SPIRITUAL WARFARE PRAYER:
Father, In Jesus' Name, I take the Blood of Jesus and break the power of all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, wiccans, pagans, and any other source, and all of their rituals off of us. With the Blood of Jesus, I erase all evil lines drawn on our liver. . .
LANDOVER BAPTIST DEMON HUNTING PERMIT #00666-27
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Re: Dear Jesus...
No, I'm serious! I really do want to join!Originally posted by Justina Thyme View PostComment
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Re: Dear Jesus...
Join? Join what? This isn't a social club, friend. This isn't the Rotary.Originally posted by JonathanClement View Post
Are you planning to move to Iowa and join their church? Or would you rather join us all in Heaven and be Saved©?
That requires a lifetime commitment to following every last bit of God's Word. Have you even started reading the KJV yet?Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Re: Dear Jesus...
Our high-priced joo accountants tell me that you still haven't sent in your Love Offering to Jesus. Wipe the dust off your Paypal button and do the right thing!Originally posted by JonathanClement View Post
You might also want toentertain usbring yourself closer to Christ by listing out your sins. Don't leave out any details, or Jesus will spot you as a damned liar.
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!Comment
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Re: Dear Jesus...
Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
You employee those pig-n-monkey prophet killers
!!! Tell me, how much *gold* did you give them, or was it silver!?
Tolerate me!!Comment
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