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Greetings fellow True Christians! I know it's been awhile, but as always I'm busy, especially at this time of year when my company is rapidly moving funds into hidden offshore accounts in order to prepare for tax season. None of this would be necessary if voters had wisely chosen Mitt Romney for president last time around - indeed, he practically wrote the book on tax evasion - rather than Hussein Obama. I can tell you that I was pretty shocked last year when I had to pay the communist IRS over $900 on my 2014 worldwide income of $2.3 billion, but seeing how we live in the golden age of socialism, what's a poor CEO like me to do?
Sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. Actually, things have been going pretty well lately. My company just managed to sell off its 50% ownership in KFC to the Chinks, and we plan to invest at least some of the proceeds in Godly Chick-fil-A, a patriotic company that understands why you don't want your family to eat in restaurants where homos are permitted. Would you bring your child into a restaurant where homos are having sex in the toilet stalls of the men's room? I didn't think so. Even worse, would you believe that KFC actually employs some homo workers, despite the fact that this could cause the food to get infected with AIDS!
Well, I can assure you that my company doesn't allow homos anywhere near our 100% American chickens! And thanks to recent secret free-trade agreements, we are having more success than ever at forcing other countries to drop their so-called "food safety" regulations, so that we can export our 100% hormone-raised chickens, thus benefiting our foreign customers as well.
And just so you know - there is no truth whatsoever to the rumors that these hormones cause weight gain in humans. We actually did an experiment last year feeding hormone-chicken to inmates at our privatized prisons in Texas - even though they initially did gain an average of 50 pounds in 3 months, that extra flab came off rapidly after they got stomach cancer, resulting in a net weight loss! If anything, I think we could market our chemically enhanced meat products as a "health food."
But I digress. What I really wanted to talk to you about today is the upcoming presidential election. As you are all probably aware, there is a good chance that the Democrats will nominate an America-hating socialist as their candidate.
Bernie Sanders gives the finger to America!
That's a double insult, since his father, Colonel Sanders, was a patriotic war hero. That's why you can see his statue at numerous locations throughout our Godly nation.
Colonel Sanders, a veteran of The Battle of the Bulge
However, in his later years, the Colonel seemed to go senile, and even started pimping for demonic Santa Claus!
It only goes to show that when it comes to defending the American way of life, we require eternal vigilance. Yesterday's friends could become today's enemies. Thus I hope that you - fellow True Christians - will all register to vote as soon as possible. With communists like Bernie Sanders threatening to destroy our nation with socialized medicine, banking regulations, and the minimum wage, we Republicans need to get out there and support candidates who will protect our Freedoms and CEO bonuses. Remember, that money in my Cayman Island's bank accounts gets spent eventually - it trickles down to families just like yours. Thus, voting against socialism actually makes the poor richer, ensuring that those unsolicited pre-approved credit cards will continue to show up in your mailbox.
Sorry, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. Actually, things have been going pretty well lately. My company just managed to sell off its 50% ownership in KFC to the Chinks, and we plan to invest at least some of the proceeds in Godly Chick-fil-A, a patriotic company that understands why you don't want your family to eat in restaurants where homos are permitted. Would you bring your child into a restaurant where homos are having sex in the toilet stalls of the men's room? I didn't think so. Even worse, would you believe that KFC actually employs some homo workers, despite the fact that this could cause the food to get infected with AIDS!
Well, I can assure you that my company doesn't allow homos anywhere near our 100% American chickens! And thanks to recent secret free-trade agreements, we are having more success than ever at forcing other countries to drop their so-called "food safety" regulations, so that we can export our 100% hormone-raised chickens, thus benefiting our foreign customers as well.
And just so you know - there is no truth whatsoever to the rumors that these hormones cause weight gain in humans. We actually did an experiment last year feeding hormone-chicken to inmates at our privatized prisons in Texas - even though they initially did gain an average of 50 pounds in 3 months, that extra flab came off rapidly after they got stomach cancer, resulting in a net weight loss! If anything, I think we could market our chemically enhanced meat products as a "health food."
But I digress. What I really wanted to talk to you about today is the upcoming presidential election. As you are all probably aware, there is a good chance that the Democrats will nominate an America-hating socialist as their candidate.
Bernie Sanders gives the finger to America!
That's a double insult, since his father, Colonel Sanders, was a patriotic war hero. That's why you can see his statue at numerous locations throughout our Godly nation.
Colonel Sanders, a veteran of The Battle of the Bulge
However, in his later years, the Colonel seemed to go senile, and even started pimping for demonic Santa Claus!
It only goes to show that when it comes to defending the American way of life, we require eternal vigilance. Yesterday's friends could become today's enemies. Thus I hope that you - fellow True Christians - will all register to vote as soon as possible. With communists like Bernie Sanders threatening to destroy our nation with socialized medicine, banking regulations, and the minimum wage, we Republicans need to get out there and support candidates who will protect our Freedoms and CEO bonuses. Remember, that money in my Cayman Island's bank accounts gets spent eventually - it trickles down to families just like yours. Thus, voting against socialism actually makes the poor richer, ensuring that those unsolicited pre-approved credit cards will continue to show up in your mailbox.
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